10-03-2019, 07:59 AM
10-08-2019, 08:41 PM
“I pledge Allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the Republic for which it stands,
one nation under God, indivisible,
with Liberty and Justice for all.”
The scene opens up… the American flag waving proudly from someone’s front lawn before zooming back. The KNN logo superimposes itself on the screen, and Chesty LaRue, clad in the red, white, and blue of the United States of America sitting in front of her news desk, as market research has shown that is where she is most popular. With a big smile on her face that you’re clearly ignoring in favor of her most-marketable assets…
Her… her boobs.
She throws her chestnut hair behind her shoulder as, beside her head, a small square with a still-framed Uncle Sam Derek Adonis, can be seen smiling in a way that only Derek Adonis is capable of.
Chesty: “Ladies and gentlemen, from the KABLAM News Network studios here in scenic Las Vegas, Nevada, I am Chesty LaRue, coming to you today with a KNN BREAKING NEWS report! In moments, we are about to go LIVE to the front of the Summer Nights Wedding Chapel here in Vegas… actually across the street from the studios here… where I’m told that our founder and benefactor, Derek Adonis, is going to have a startling, potentially career-altering announcement. I’m told that the announcement is minutes away, but in the meantime, I have an anal-yst here in the KNN studios. Please welcome, for the first time on KNN television, Adonis’ former man-servant, Jeff Rey.”
The scene scales back briefly, to where Jeff Rey, the redheaded former assistant to Derek Adonis, can be seen in an obnoxiously-neon suit. He leans forward to where no microphone rests, looking for a quick correction.
Jeff Rey: “Actually, Chesty, I was Derek’s assistant.”
Chesty: “That’s what I said.”
Jeff Rey: “No, you said that I was his man-serv…”
Before he can finish his words, Chesty cuts in.
Chesty: “So as someone who once served his man, what do you think Derek Adonis could be getting ready to announce here?”
Jeff Rey: “Well, all we know is that it’s career-altering. He could be talking about retiring. He could be talking about finally putting the rest of these side projects… the KABLAMpire, if you will… on the backburner to focus on his contractual obligations with Supreme Championship Wrestling. Hell… he could be here to say that KABLAMpire is growing with a little prince or princess.”
Chesty is confused because… well… she never really needed brains to get by in life, if you know what I mean (KABLAM!).
Chesty: “Huh?”
Jeff Rey: “I mean that he and his trophy wife may be copulating.”
She stares blankly.
Jeff Rey: “Procreating.”
Still.
Jeff Rey: “Multiplying?”
Staring.
Jeff Rey: “With child?”
Chesty: “Remember the rules, Jeff… ‘Daddy Don’t Diddle’.”
Jeff Rey lets out an exasperated sigh as he lowers his head.
Jeff Rey: “Oh for Christ’s sake… Cookie might be pregnant!”
Chesty: “Really?! Oh my God! That’s so exciting! I have to plan a shower… a gender reveal… get a baby registry going... “
Jeff Rey: “What? No… relax. I’m not saying she is pregnant… just that being pregnant would fit the metrics of Derek having to make a “career-altering announcement”.”
Chesty: “Sh’yeah… I knew that.”
She holds two fingers to her ear, pressing them in as though she’s getting a message. This despite the fact that there is actually nothing IN her ear, but dammit if it doesn’t look professional!
Chesty: “I’m receiving word that Derek Adonis, our boss, our friend, our mentor, and our secret lover, is about to take to the stage now.”
Jeff Rey: “Our what?”
Chesty: “We now go LIVE across the street... boys?”
The scene fades from the studio…
---
KNN LIVE BREAKING NEWS!!
---
The scene moves across the street where Derek Adonis has finally taken the stage. He stands in front of a crowd of reporters, most of them from various pornographic websites and “after dark” newscasts, clad in his Uncle Sam attire from Rise to Greatness this year, with one small, very noticeable difference. In place of his Uncle Sam hat is one of those powdered white President wigs that were all the rage back in 1776 when George Washington debuted them at New York Fashion Week or some less boring, probably more realistic thing. He looks out over the gathered reporters and steps to the pen-mic mounted onto the podium.
Derek Adonis: “My fellow Americans… it was four years ago that I stood in this exact spot and… wait…”
Derek looks to a producer off the stage.
Adonis: “Are you sure this was the spot?”
Producer: “Um… yeah?”
Adonis: “Positive?”
Producer: “Yes.”
Adonis: “But the “X” is over there?”
Derek points about three feet to his left, where there IS an “X” taped to the stage. The producer curses inaudibly before speaking into his head mic.
Producer: “God dammit… you misplaced the podium! Get up there and fix it!”
A pair of stagehands, both wearing KNN t-shirts, rush to the stage and move to either side of the podium, lifting it up and moving it three feet to Adonis’ left. Once it is set down and they retreat from the stage, Derek takes his proper place on the stage, behind the podium, and on top of the “X”.
Adonis: “My fellow Americans… it was four years ago that I stood in this exact spot and sent out a tweet over the Twitter platform. Wasn’t that a great thing? Twitter… a chance for everyone on the internet to express themselves without the risk of being intercepted by terrorist organizations or troll farms from foreign countries looking to misinform the population to promote their nefarious means. The good old days of 2015. Ahhh, what a time to be alive. But that’s not what I’m getting at here. Four years ago I stood in this very spot and sent out a tweet declaring myself a candidate to become President of the United States of America!”
The reporters murmur amongst themselves as Derek pauses dramatically, possibly waiting for them to applaud. They don’t.
Adonis: “We ran a brief, but lively campaign for President. In the weeks and months since I made the announcement, I serviced many Americans’ needs. Bored housewives, frat girls daring each other, women shouting out YOLO as if that phrase would never go out of style… it was a very successful campaign, even if I did practice the withdrawal method by pulling out… KABLAM!... of the election race before it’s climax. Unfortunately, I was led to believe that there was no way America would choose an overweight, sex-obsessed womanizer with a penchant for big speech… the biggest, best speech… and no experience to be President.”
Derek looks knowingly into the camera. Seriously, you guys. What the fuck?
Adonis: “But that was four years ago. I was young...er…. And naive…er?... than I am today. At that time, I was a swinging single with four divorces under my belt. Today, I am a married man with five divorces under my belt. Then, I didn’t know how many children I had. Now, I know the answer is at least one. Then, I thought the most I could give America was a Presidential sideshow. Now, I know that for a lot of you, that’s all you really want. So I stand here today, in the same place I stood four years ago and hit send on that tweet, to announce that I am re-entering the race to become President of the United States of America in 2020!”
Derek throws his arms back, and a banner behind him unfurls emblazoned with the slogan “Make America KABLAM Again!” on it.
Adonis: “I believe in fiscal restraint and social responsibility. I believe we can put America both first and second without being a burden on the rest of the world. I believe the White House would look good with a makeover! I believe that orange is a soda, not a skin color. But most of all, I believe that every man and woman deserves to be happy and healthy, with all that they could want and more! And when we pass on this great country to our children, they too can learn about the greatness of eKABLAMics. But it’s not only me… take a look at these very real, not at all coerced celebrity endorsements that real people like you love!”
Derek motions behind him, where a projection screen declines slowly. He steps out of the way as the video counts down…
5…
4…
3…
2…
The scene opens up with an American flag blowing in the wind. The first voice belongs to Arnie Braunschwager…
“If ah can’t be President, then Ah’d vote for Derek Ah’donis.”
Shots of Derek Adonis can be seen… Adonis with a bald eagle that isn’t attacking him… Adonis standing on George Washington’s head at Mount Rushmore… the voice of Maddie Chase, obviously reading from a script in front of her, is next…
“I would like totally vote for Derek Adonis. He is so hot and looks all soft. As if… wait, do I like really talk like that?! It doesn’t sound like me at all! As if!”
Derek is now shown in some classic American movies like Gone With The Wind and A Bridge Too Far… the third voice is maybe Christopher Walken…
“Oh…”
Okay, it’s Adonis doing a Walken impression.
“I would vote for Man Mountain if that were possible, oh!”
As the scenes wind down, the final voice to be heard is that of the voice-over guy from those classic movie trailers you love so very much.
“Derek Adonis for President? Count me in! Vote Adonis 2020!”
The screen retracts…
Adonis stands on the stage, his hands at his sides as the screen moves into nothingness, A tear rolls down Adonis’ cheek.
Adonis: “I didn’t really know how I wanted to close out this announcement. I mean, that video was just perfect, don’t you think? But you know what, even if I don’t have the most experience in office… even if my only experience comes from managing numerous businesses, at least MINE are successful. And, in America, success should count for everything! Thank you everyone, and I look for a fair and orderly election that will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath! USA! USA! USA!”
Derek tries to get the chant going but, again, his reporter-laden crowd doesn’t bite. The scene moves back to the studio…
---
KNN STUDIO!!
---
...where Chesty LaRue, possibly aroused by the pure, unbridled manliness she just witnessed, is fanning herself with her script. Jeff Rey, for his part, isn’t exactly unimpressed, though his level of acceptance over the announcement is clearly extremely dwarfed by Chesty’s.
Chesty: “Wow…”
As her sweat cascades down her next, shimmering on her flesh under the bright studio lights, she begins to pat herself around the chesty…
Jeff Rey: “What’s happening?”
Chesty: “We have just witnessed the greatest moment in American history for a second time! Derek Adonis, the Greatest American Hero… I don’t think that’s trademarked…”
Jeff Rey: “I’m pretty sure it is…”
Chesty: “Has announced his intention to challenge for the American Presidency! I…”
She begins to get visibly emotional, her voice quivering as she speaks.
Chesty: “I will always remember where I was when Man Mountain announced that he was going to seek the highest office in the land. And all of us here at KNN will be openly biased, like Fox, AND secretly biased like CNN!”
Jeff Rey: “How does that work?”
Chesty: “For Jeff Rey and all of us at the KABLAM News Network, I’m Chesty LaRue saying buckle up everybody else… this race just got good!”
She waves to the camera, bouncing as she does to accentuate her strengths, while Jeff Rey places his face in his hands, embarrassed to be seen on this program at all. The scene fades…
---
“I remember it like it was only yesterday, even though it was like two years ago. I took myself from lowly member of the SCW roster. No one thought I would win a match, let alone a Championship, and yet that is exactly what happened when I pinned Stacy Kissinger, who I remember once gave a promotional piece to SCW that she recorded topless in a gym because who could forget such a scene AM I RIGHT!? KABLAM!!
Where was I? Right…
I pinned Stacy Kissinger to claim my first Championship! And it wasn’t a fluke either! Well, maybe it was a little bit like a fluke. I mean I did come out of nowhere and suddenly there I was, a Champion in one of the toughest companies to get laid in around. Have you tried? All the womenfolk are attached or not interested. And seeing as I’m NOT rapey THANK YOU VERY MUCH KANDIS, once interest is denied, I stop. But here I was… Champion. And then I did it again the next year! Yes… I, Derek Adonis, who many people thought was always a guaranteed win, became the Champion of Television not once, but TWICE! I’m living proof that if you put your mind to something, you can succeed!
Which is why I am SO freaking excited about this US Title contender tournament. Not only is this my chance to prove that I would be a fighting President of the United States, but the shiny belt would look fan-TAS-tic with my Uncle Sam wardrobe! Think about it… what’s more imposing than Uncle Sam pointing at you, wanting YOU to enlist in the service of the USA? Uncle Sam with some bling!
BUUUUUUUUUUUT if I want to get there, I have to go through this tournament thing Sasha D set up. And I’m grateful that ol Sasha thought to put Man Mountain’s name forward. After all, I may not have the greatest record in the past few months. I may have stumbled a bit, dropped a few balls in the non-fun way, But I am living, breathing, KABLAMing proof that all you need to get back onto the horse is for the horse to come back around if you know what I mean! And this is the PERFECT chance for me to get back on that horse.
Not that Bree is a horse! Don’t put words in my mouth!
In this tournament, I get to face Max Kane who I think I faced before, but that was then if we did. I know that Maxy stands between me and the second round… the second round and the finals… and the finals and a title match. But if beating Max Kane is what I have to do to prove that I want to be the PRESIDENT… I mean… CHAMPION of AMERICABLAM!... then I have to do that. Because I represent the SPIRIT of America! That unbridled, possibly undeserved, sense of entitlement to things other people have! The knowledge that, while everyone else may look down on me, they do that because they’re jealous! And in the end, I am America, and in the words of the immortal Stephen Colbert, SO CAN YOU! KABLAM!!”
of the United States of America
and to the Republic for which it stands,
one nation under God, indivisible,
with Liberty and Justice for all.”
The scene opens up… the American flag waving proudly from someone’s front lawn before zooming back. The KNN logo superimposes itself on the screen, and Chesty LaRue, clad in the red, white, and blue of the United States of America sitting in front of her news desk, as market research has shown that is where she is most popular. With a big smile on her face that you’re clearly ignoring in favor of her most-marketable assets…
Her… her boobs.
She throws her chestnut hair behind her shoulder as, beside her head, a small square with a still-framed Uncle Sam Derek Adonis, can be seen smiling in a way that only Derek Adonis is capable of.
Chesty: “Ladies and gentlemen, from the KABLAM News Network studios here in scenic Las Vegas, Nevada, I am Chesty LaRue, coming to you today with a KNN BREAKING NEWS report! In moments, we are about to go LIVE to the front of the Summer Nights Wedding Chapel here in Vegas… actually across the street from the studios here… where I’m told that our founder and benefactor, Derek Adonis, is going to have a startling, potentially career-altering announcement. I’m told that the announcement is minutes away, but in the meantime, I have an anal-yst here in the KNN studios. Please welcome, for the first time on KNN television, Adonis’ former man-servant, Jeff Rey.”
The scene scales back briefly, to where Jeff Rey, the redheaded former assistant to Derek Adonis, can be seen in an obnoxiously-neon suit. He leans forward to where no microphone rests, looking for a quick correction.
Jeff Rey: “Actually, Chesty, I was Derek’s assistant.”
Chesty: “That’s what I said.”
Jeff Rey: “No, you said that I was his man-serv…”
Before he can finish his words, Chesty cuts in.
Chesty: “So as someone who once served his man, what do you think Derek Adonis could be getting ready to announce here?”
Jeff Rey: “Well, all we know is that it’s career-altering. He could be talking about retiring. He could be talking about finally putting the rest of these side projects… the KABLAMpire, if you will… on the backburner to focus on his contractual obligations with Supreme Championship Wrestling. Hell… he could be here to say that KABLAMpire is growing with a little prince or princess.”
Chesty is confused because… well… she never really needed brains to get by in life, if you know what I mean (KABLAM!).
Chesty: “Huh?”
Jeff Rey: “I mean that he and his trophy wife may be copulating.”
She stares blankly.
Jeff Rey: “Procreating.”
Still.
Jeff Rey: “Multiplying?”
Staring.
Jeff Rey: “With child?”
Chesty: “Remember the rules, Jeff… ‘Daddy Don’t Diddle’.”
Jeff Rey lets out an exasperated sigh as he lowers his head.
Jeff Rey: “Oh for Christ’s sake… Cookie might be pregnant!”
Chesty: “Really?! Oh my God! That’s so exciting! I have to plan a shower… a gender reveal… get a baby registry going... “
Jeff Rey: “What? No… relax. I’m not saying she is pregnant… just that being pregnant would fit the metrics of Derek having to make a “career-altering announcement”.”
Chesty: “Sh’yeah… I knew that.”
She holds two fingers to her ear, pressing them in as though she’s getting a message. This despite the fact that there is actually nothing IN her ear, but dammit if it doesn’t look professional!
Chesty: “I’m receiving word that Derek Adonis, our boss, our friend, our mentor, and our secret lover, is about to take to the stage now.”
Jeff Rey: “Our what?”
Chesty: “We now go LIVE across the street... boys?”
The scene fades from the studio…
---
KNN LIVE BREAKING NEWS!!
---
The scene moves across the street where Derek Adonis has finally taken the stage. He stands in front of a crowd of reporters, most of them from various pornographic websites and “after dark” newscasts, clad in his Uncle Sam attire from Rise to Greatness this year, with one small, very noticeable difference. In place of his Uncle Sam hat is one of those powdered white President wigs that were all the rage back in 1776 when George Washington debuted them at New York Fashion Week or some less boring, probably more realistic thing. He looks out over the gathered reporters and steps to the pen-mic mounted onto the podium.
Derek Adonis: “My fellow Americans… it was four years ago that I stood in this exact spot and… wait…”
Derek looks to a producer off the stage.
Adonis: “Are you sure this was the spot?”
Producer: “Um… yeah?”
Adonis: “Positive?”
Producer: “Yes.”
Adonis: “But the “X” is over there?”
Derek points about three feet to his left, where there IS an “X” taped to the stage. The producer curses inaudibly before speaking into his head mic.
Producer: “God dammit… you misplaced the podium! Get up there and fix it!”
A pair of stagehands, both wearing KNN t-shirts, rush to the stage and move to either side of the podium, lifting it up and moving it three feet to Adonis’ left. Once it is set down and they retreat from the stage, Derek takes his proper place on the stage, behind the podium, and on top of the “X”.
Adonis: “My fellow Americans… it was four years ago that I stood in this exact spot and sent out a tweet over the Twitter platform. Wasn’t that a great thing? Twitter… a chance for everyone on the internet to express themselves without the risk of being intercepted by terrorist organizations or troll farms from foreign countries looking to misinform the population to promote their nefarious means. The good old days of 2015. Ahhh, what a time to be alive. But that’s not what I’m getting at here. Four years ago I stood in this very spot and sent out a tweet declaring myself a candidate to become President of the United States of America!”
The reporters murmur amongst themselves as Derek pauses dramatically, possibly waiting for them to applaud. They don’t.
Adonis: “We ran a brief, but lively campaign for President. In the weeks and months since I made the announcement, I serviced many Americans’ needs. Bored housewives, frat girls daring each other, women shouting out YOLO as if that phrase would never go out of style… it was a very successful campaign, even if I did practice the withdrawal method by pulling out… KABLAM!... of the election race before it’s climax. Unfortunately, I was led to believe that there was no way America would choose an overweight, sex-obsessed womanizer with a penchant for big speech… the biggest, best speech… and no experience to be President.”
Derek looks knowingly into the camera. Seriously, you guys. What the fuck?
Adonis: “But that was four years ago. I was young...er…. And naive…er?... than I am today. At that time, I was a swinging single with four divorces under my belt. Today, I am a married man with five divorces under my belt. Then, I didn’t know how many children I had. Now, I know the answer is at least one. Then, I thought the most I could give America was a Presidential sideshow. Now, I know that for a lot of you, that’s all you really want. So I stand here today, in the same place I stood four years ago and hit send on that tweet, to announce that I am re-entering the race to become President of the United States of America in 2020!”
Derek throws his arms back, and a banner behind him unfurls emblazoned with the slogan “Make America KABLAM Again!” on it.
Adonis: “I believe in fiscal restraint and social responsibility. I believe we can put America both first and second without being a burden on the rest of the world. I believe the White House would look good with a makeover! I believe that orange is a soda, not a skin color. But most of all, I believe that every man and woman deserves to be happy and healthy, with all that they could want and more! And when we pass on this great country to our children, they too can learn about the greatness of eKABLAMics. But it’s not only me… take a look at these very real, not at all coerced celebrity endorsements that real people like you love!”
Derek motions behind him, where a projection screen declines slowly. He steps out of the way as the video counts down…
5…
4…
3…
2…
The scene opens up with an American flag blowing in the wind. The first voice belongs to Arnie Braunschwager…
“If ah can’t be President, then Ah’d vote for Derek Ah’donis.”
Shots of Derek Adonis can be seen… Adonis with a bald eagle that isn’t attacking him… Adonis standing on George Washington’s head at Mount Rushmore… the voice of Maddie Chase, obviously reading from a script in front of her, is next…
“I would like totally vote for Derek Adonis. He is so hot and looks all soft. As if… wait, do I like really talk like that?! It doesn’t sound like me at all! As if!”
Derek is now shown in some classic American movies like Gone With The Wind and A Bridge Too Far… the third voice is maybe Christopher Walken…
“Oh…”
Okay, it’s Adonis doing a Walken impression.
“I would vote for Man Mountain if that were possible, oh!”
As the scenes wind down, the final voice to be heard is that of the voice-over guy from those classic movie trailers you love so very much.
“Derek Adonis for President? Count me in! Vote Adonis 2020!”
The screen retracts…
Adonis stands on the stage, his hands at his sides as the screen moves into nothingness, A tear rolls down Adonis’ cheek.
Adonis: “I didn’t really know how I wanted to close out this announcement. I mean, that video was just perfect, don’t you think? But you know what, even if I don’t have the most experience in office… even if my only experience comes from managing numerous businesses, at least MINE are successful. And, in America, success should count for everything! Thank you everyone, and I look for a fair and orderly election that will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath! USA! USA! USA!”
Derek tries to get the chant going but, again, his reporter-laden crowd doesn’t bite. The scene moves back to the studio…
---
KNN STUDIO!!
---
...where Chesty LaRue, possibly aroused by the pure, unbridled manliness she just witnessed, is fanning herself with her script. Jeff Rey, for his part, isn’t exactly unimpressed, though his level of acceptance over the announcement is clearly extremely dwarfed by Chesty’s.
Chesty: “Wow…”
As her sweat cascades down her next, shimmering on her flesh under the bright studio lights, she begins to pat herself around the chesty…
Jeff Rey: “What’s happening?”
Chesty: “We have just witnessed the greatest moment in American history for a second time! Derek Adonis, the Greatest American Hero… I don’t think that’s trademarked…”
Jeff Rey: “I’m pretty sure it is…”
Chesty: “Has announced his intention to challenge for the American Presidency! I…”
She begins to get visibly emotional, her voice quivering as she speaks.
Chesty: “I will always remember where I was when Man Mountain announced that he was going to seek the highest office in the land. And all of us here at KNN will be openly biased, like Fox, AND secretly biased like CNN!”
Jeff Rey: “How does that work?”
Chesty: “For Jeff Rey and all of us at the KABLAM News Network, I’m Chesty LaRue saying buckle up everybody else… this race just got good!”
She waves to the camera, bouncing as she does to accentuate her strengths, while Jeff Rey places his face in his hands, embarrassed to be seen on this program at all. The scene fades…
---
“I remember it like it was only yesterday, even though it was like two years ago. I took myself from lowly member of the SCW roster. No one thought I would win a match, let alone a Championship, and yet that is exactly what happened when I pinned Stacy Kissinger, who I remember once gave a promotional piece to SCW that she recorded topless in a gym because who could forget such a scene AM I RIGHT!? KABLAM!!
Where was I? Right…
I pinned Stacy Kissinger to claim my first Championship! And it wasn’t a fluke either! Well, maybe it was a little bit like a fluke. I mean I did come out of nowhere and suddenly there I was, a Champion in one of the toughest companies to get laid in around. Have you tried? All the womenfolk are attached or not interested. And seeing as I’m NOT rapey THANK YOU VERY MUCH KANDIS, once interest is denied, I stop. But here I was… Champion. And then I did it again the next year! Yes… I, Derek Adonis, who many people thought was always a guaranteed win, became the Champion of Television not once, but TWICE! I’m living proof that if you put your mind to something, you can succeed!
Which is why I am SO freaking excited about this US Title contender tournament. Not only is this my chance to prove that I would be a fighting President of the United States, but the shiny belt would look fan-TAS-tic with my Uncle Sam wardrobe! Think about it… what’s more imposing than Uncle Sam pointing at you, wanting YOU to enlist in the service of the USA? Uncle Sam with some bling!
BUUUUUUUUUUUT if I want to get there, I have to go through this tournament thing Sasha D set up. And I’m grateful that ol Sasha thought to put Man Mountain’s name forward. After all, I may not have the greatest record in the past few months. I may have stumbled a bit, dropped a few balls in the non-fun way, But I am living, breathing, KABLAMing proof that all you need to get back onto the horse is for the horse to come back around if you know what I mean! And this is the PERFECT chance for me to get back on that horse.
Not that Bree is a horse! Don’t put words in my mouth!
In this tournament, I get to face Max Kane who I think I faced before, but that was then if we did. I know that Maxy stands between me and the second round… the second round and the finals… and the finals and a title match. But if beating Max Kane is what I have to do to prove that I want to be the PRESIDENT… I mean… CHAMPION of AMERICABLAM!... then I have to do that. Because I represent the SPIRIT of America! That unbridled, possibly undeserved, sense of entitlement to things other people have! The knowledge that, while everyone else may look down on me, they do that because they’re jealous! And in the end, I am America, and in the words of the immortal Stephen Colbert, SO CAN YOU! KABLAM!!”