Complacency can be a double-edged sword, you know. On one edge is this feeling that you're OK, and everything is normal. There is this sense that, truly, what you see is what you get. But then you look at the other razor sharp edge and what do you feel happening? You feel your body being sliced to shreds by its bevel and wonder if the other side is worth it enough.
That was me at the end of 2019... Again...
In my profession, you see, we get opportunities to become recognized and receive awards if we can outdo our opponents and coworkers alike. Early on in my tenure with this company, I was lavished with praise and constantly draped with accolade after accolade. It was something I loved. I loved feeling the admiration and jealousy of others. I loved feeling superior. Then Father Time and stiffer competition made me realize my days of constant time atop the mountain were coming to an end. The feelings were still there, and I began to harness them in different manners. That final night of work, everything boiled over for me again. I was in a bad place, feeling everything raging inside of me. I came back to my room and I just sat there, clinching my fists, ready to lash out at whatever and whomever I could.
That anger and rage felt like it was seething for an infinite amount of time, when in reality I hadn't been sat down in that chair, drenched in sweat, for more than about one or two minutes, when there was a knock. Before I could saying anything, the door opened, and my sister peeked her head in, looking around for me.
Jordan Majors: Oh... Mind if I come in?
Deep down, I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to seethe. But I couldn't let others necessarily see that yet.
Jake Starr: I guess...
Jordan comes in.
Jordan Majors: That could be the warmest welcome you've ever given me...
Jake Starr: Feel lucky I even let you in the door.
Jordan is taken aback.
Jordan Majors: Oh? Me? Lucky? Well thank you, your grace, for allowing me to be in then presence of thy divinity.
Jake Starr: Oh fucking stop...
Jordan Majors: Alright, Queenie, is it your time of the month, because if so we haven't been around long enough for us to sync up...
Jake Starr: Thanks...
Jordan rolls her eyes, as Jake looks down.
Jordan Majors: What is your fucking problem, dude?
Jake just looks up at her annoyed, and then lifts his arms in the direction of the ring. He gives her a look like "duh," and then shakes his head and looks down again.
Jordan Majors: ... Really?
Jake doesn't look up.
Jake Starr: Yes...
Jordan Majors: ... Fucking really...?!
Jake looks up and with more authority replies.
Jake Starr: YES!
Jake sighs.
It's not fun to admit something that you know others don't view like you do. You know they're probably judging you, and rightfully so. In the end, feelings like this, I know, are trivial. They're not how one should think, yet it's how I'm programmed. And I didn't understand why she would be so shocked or surprised at my reaction. She's my sister. She's known how I am. It just didn't make any sense to me why she'd question me...
Jordan Majors: For fuck's sake, Jake, why? Seriously, why? It's like you think you were the ONLY one of the two of us involved in that match. I didn't walk away with the Championship either, so I don't know why you get to have your panties in a fucking twist over it.
Jake stands up and rages.
Jake Starr: BECAUSE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY TIME DAMMIT! I DON'T HAVE MANY TIMES LEFT!
Jordan slowly stands up, completely unimpressed with Jake's outburst and walks to within inches of him.
Jordan Majors: Sit... Down... NOW!
Jake lets his emotions continue to speak for him.
Jake Starr: Or... Else... What?!
Jordan Majors: Brother or not, I won't hesitate to bitch slap you back to your mother's womb...
Jake Starr: Not just my mother's...
Jordan swings, but Jake catches her hand, and grins. He shoves it down and slowly ends up sitting back down.
Jordan Majors: You know... Sometimes you can be a real fucking prick.
Jake Starr: Yeah, so I've been told...
Jordan Majors: And on top of it, you're reverting back to the same shit you said caused you to try and kill yourself. You preached about how your fucking emotions were what pushed you over the edge. You've told me that, you've told your other family that, you've told your friends that, you've fucking told everyone. You preached about how you saw the light and changed, yet, you lose some, effectively meaningless, battle royal and you act like you just lost your life savings at a craps table.
Jake Starr: It may be meaningless to you...
Jordan Majors: Jake, no. This match, in the grand scheme, didn't matter. If you hadn't entered your name, would you feel like you magically squandered something, or would you think that you never lost, so you still are right in any running, huh?
Jake's emotions rise again.
Jake Starr: BUT I DID ENTER MY NAME, SO IT DOES MATTER! I'm not getting any younger, Jordan! I'm not out there being a begged for commodity in the big matches anymore, am I, Jordan? This could have been that last chance for me.
Jordan Majors: It could have for all of us you asshat. Donald Trump could do something dumb, we all get nuked, and be dead by morning, then low and behold it was ALL of our last chances. But you don't think that way. It's always "the glass is half empty" with you. You can't see the forest for your OWN trees. You stop yourself from ever allowing a positive to be made because you're hell bent on finding something negative to say and think about yourself. And look where it has you. Look what you act like. You look like a titty baby who didn't get the exact toy he wanted from Santa. For what, Jake? Seriously, for what? You think you only have one chance here or there? Fuck that... Look at what you, yourself, called a revolving door of people, and look how long they've been here. You don't have much more tenure over them, do you? They still they theirs over and over again, don't they? So maybe it isn't age. Maybe it isn't you being held back. Maybe you just have to step up and fight, huh? Just like I do. I'm not pissing and moaning. Would I have liked it, of course. Did I get it, no. But I'm not shoving my head up my ass to cover it up either. I'm dealing with it, and I'm moving on. Wasn't that what you said you were doing? Wasn't that what you said this new you was about?
Jake Starr: You just don't get it...
Jordan Majors: No I think I do, Jake. I think I get it just fine. I think you want to overcome a lot, and then it's easier to just revert back to being the little bitch boy you were...
Jake turns away from her, angry.
Jordan Majors: ... I think you are afraid of those same demons, still. I think they still control you. I think you can't beat them yet...
Jake grits his teeth and turns to storm in her direction, but as he turns, she's right in his face.
Jordan Majors: ... Grow up... Quit being the bitch that got you into this mess and be my older brother I can look up to. Otherwise, you're going right back into the same downward spiral that made you jaded, hated, and almost fucking dead. And I will tell you right now... You go down that path, I won't be there. You'll be as dead to me as you are yourself. Weakness, or strength... It's your decision... Not mine... Not anyone else's...
She immediately turns and exits the room, leaving Jake in a state of silence that truly puts him alone with his own thoughts.
That was something I didn't expect. Someone almost two decades younger than me was in my face, calling me out, and telling me off. To my face, no less. I can say it wasn't something I was used to or expecting for that matter. Nevertheless she did what she did and she made me think. She made me question who I was, again. She made me question my personal decisions, morals, and values. She made me question everything. Deep down I think that was her goal. I think she wanted me to be challenged. I think she wanted me to reshape my thought process back to one more analytical, and one less plagued by the constructs of the "old me."
I just wish it were that easy, you know. I think a lot of people look at it at face value. They see it as a switch that should be just shut off immediately, and people should grow up. They don't realize the work, the pain, the suffering, the fashbacks, everything that goes on to both cause the relapses, but also that can be fought back on, with the hopes that one day, even for one moment, normalcy may happen, and peace will flow within my veins, rather than the constant state of fear currently residing there.
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Jake Starr: I want to tell everyone a story, that is very true, very real, and is as straight of a shoot as you're going to get. Yeah, in a sense it tears down some of those proverbial "fourth walls" but only in the sense of one person, me. This isn't a story about anyone else. This isn't a story about me busting someone else's balls or insulting others. This is the world getting a glimmer into what it's like to be Jake Starr, and to be Jake Starr fighting a mental disorder that sometimes wants to beat him down and take everything he has in life from him.
Jake takes a deep breath.
The year is 2009... Early 2009 at that. I was a cocky, untouchable, greedy, motherfucker, who believed he could do no wrong, and there was no one superior to him. I was a guy who would shit on everyone, friend or foe, if I thought it would get me ahead in the world. I had no sense of shame. I had no sense of remorse. I just knew that I had the ability to break people down to little bits where their will was effectively broken. Ultimately, I was proud of that. I was proud that I could break people. I was proud that I could destroy people, and make them vanish, or lose their sense of competitiveness. To me, that was a win. It was a victory that nobody could take, and another feather in my cap. I didn't care if I made someone want to leave the industry. To me, at the time, it showed they were soft and I was "stronger."
This mentality had gotten me a reputation of being someone that NOBODY liked. Nobody wanted to work with me, nobody wanted to be associated with me, nobody wanted anything to do with me whatsoever. Again, I was cocky. I thought it was because of fear. I thought it was because people realized I was the best of the best of the best. Then I brought that ego to SCW. I brought the "burn it down" mindset to an organization that wouldn't tolerate my shit, and call me out for it. But again... I was cocky. This was a new challenge for me. This was a place trying to strong arm the great Jake Starr. And honestly it was what I needed. It wasn't the first place to try and put me in my place, but it was the first to put me in my place whereas also showing they respected my value. It was that latter bit that just reinforced me pushing buttons. I made fun of Donovan Kayl, mocked Jason Zero's obsession with looking like Tom Cruise, wouldn't shut up about how little I thought of James Exeter, and basically gave the middle finger to everyone because by that point, nobody was stopping me, and I was at the top of the mountain.
You fast forward to 2010, it was much of the same. Yeah, the competition began to improve, and I wasn't AS dominant, but think about everything that happened... I won another World Championship... I won another World Championship in another organization while defending SCW's honor... Hell I asserted my dominance over Chamber Matches and before the year was up, I was named the Superstar of the Year, one year after being named the Rookie of the Year. In just two years, I had gone from someone who many in SCW just wrote off as a loud-mouthed asshole, to THE GUY who everyone realized was the one man you had to outperform if you EVER wanted to be a somebody in this organization.
I was God...
I was untouchable...
Yeah I lost here or there, but I was still THE MAN in this industry, and I was thriving on it. I was eating up every moment I could and nobody could stop me from living high on the hog. But as 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and so on began to roll around, my epitome of excellence started to wane. I started to not be "the guy," and in fact, I started to feel forgotten. For some, this is just depressing and they get past it and move on. In my head, I couldn't. In my head, something was wrong. Someone was holding me back. Someone was screwing me over. Someone was overlooking me. It was never my own fault. It was never my own doing. It was never anything to do with ME, it was always an external force. I became unbearable because I was still in such a manic state that I felt the louder, more boisterous, more obnoxious, more threatening, more whatever I was, ultimately I would get my way, and be back with that drug being shot into my veins. If whoever it was that was at fault would just have gotten out of my way, I could have had my high.
Jake sighs.
The problem was, there was nobody there...
The anger built, and built, and built, and built and I kept blaming someone new every other fucking day because IT HAD TO BE THEM. It had to be this person, that person, management, fans, friends, family, EVERYONE. SOMEONE was responsible for me not winning as much as was, or carrying as much gold as I had been used to. Everyone else was getting breaks and I was getting nothing. I was getting the shaft. I was being treated like shit because of some conspiracy... Or so I thought...
As the years grew more and more distant from my "hey day," I began to notice that all of the blame I was throwing around was landing in thin air. Nobody was ever there. No rationale I had come up with had ever stuck, but instead left me going around making up excuses, trying to act like I used to, and not accepting that I wasn't that same person and something about me was changing. When it really started to sink in, that was when I began to feel the darkness begin to surround me. My entire career, up until then, I was ALWAYS at the top. I was always competing. Now it had gotten to a point where I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't competing, I wasn't dominating, I wasn't a force to be reckoned with, I was a nobody. I had those around me desperately trying to prop me up and tell me I was wrong. I had those telling me whatever they thought I needed to hear so I wouldn't blow up. But more and more and more I became consumed. I became obsessed. I became NEEDY for attention and praise, and it wasn't coming from anywhere.
That was when Rise to Greatness 2018 rolled around, and I knew it was basically all or nothing for me at that point. Hell, Mr. D and management could see it in my eyes. They could see I wasn't me. They could see I didn't care. They could see I was just going through the motions and once the event was over, they effectively told me to go home and recharge. Instead of recharging, though, I left angry. I left pissed off. I left thinking they had finally figured out I wasn't needed and they wanted to cull the herd, starting with me. I seriously believed it. My brain had swung from one extreme to the other, and at this point was ping-ponging so rapidly there were days I wanted to stay in bed and others I wanted to kill someone. And it didn't stop either. This bouncing back and forth became a daily occurrence until I just hated everyone and everything, including myself and it finally reached its breaking point and I went for the gusto and tried to end my own life.
In my eyes, I had nothing to lose, and a lot to gain by not having the pain and suffering anymore. All the voices, all the bouncing back and forth, all of the guilt and anger, all of it would be erased. Wins, losses, titles, none of it would matter anymore. Naively I believed I would be free of my own demons and my own pressures.
Jake looks down, before stretching his neck to both sides. Audible pops can be heard clear as day, showing the tension he has built up.
So what does all this bullshit I'm espousing mean anyway? What relevance does the past decade have to today's version of me? I'm a changed man, right? Partially. But I'm more of a man who has hit a rock bottom, seen the pain and suffering that come with it, and see there is more of an upside to it all. I am a man who realizes that taking one's life is the dumbest decision someone can make, and I made it, but I did it because of how I felt... And today, after the fact I had a World Title reign almost in my grasp and I fell short, those dark feelings, those feelings of failure, those desires to blame the masses, they're all there once again. I sit here and I look into this camera lens feeling just like I did all of those years I kept coming up short.
I feel it's consumption...
I feel it's evil...
I feel it ready to push me to that breaking point again, and make me want to say fuck it all, and walk away. But I don't. You see... After everything I've been through, everything I've done, all of the selfish, stupid, pointless, arrogant, whatever you want to call them, decisions I've made, I've learned something. In the end, decisions have consequences. Decisions have ramifications. You don't get out of jail free for doing something stupid, you face judgment for it. It's after all of that judgment, it's after all of those ramifications, that's when you have the biggest decision to make. You have to decide do you give in, do you give up, or do you try and focus it in a different direction. More specifically, I have to decide how I will let these emotions affect me...
Give in...?
Give up...?
Jake looks down and sighs. He then slowly looks up with a very different look upon his face.
... Or go Underground?
That sounds better... You see, for years, I've made mistake after mistake. I've never thought to channel the energy, use it, allow it to guide me and direct me. Instead I always took an easy way out. Now... Today... Not the case. SCW has given me an opportunity to take all of this raw emotion and allow it to be unleashed in public, and NOT be punished for it. Why? Because they've unleashed the rules of the Underground back onto my SCW soil. It is something rarely done by SCW, or at least I've seen, since they retired Rachel Foxx's most coveted title. I would say it is for good reason, too. Each time someone ventured into the Underground, they came out changed. They came out worse for the wear. Win or lose, it didn't matter. You didn't leave the same. Your psyche, your body, it all hurt. It was all damaged. It was all tortured because that is what the Underground represents. Yeah, I know I've made comedic references to it, but I also remember fights with my dear, Rachel, where I may have won, but she reminded me why she will forever be the QUEEN of the Underground.
So where does that lead us? It leads us to Breakdown where SCW has laid, at my feet, an opportunity to take all of this emotion and emit it in a manner that keeps me from self harm. It keeps me from allowing the darkness in, but instead unleashing the darkness upon the masses. You see, Underground Rules means anything goes. It means there ARE NO RULES. It means I get to take all of this evil inside of me, all of this anger, this self-hatred, this self-absorbed cockiness, all of it and I get to unleash it on others and they can't stop me. NOBODY can stop me. It means the brains and the brawn of Infamous are going to be walking into a match where, praise Jesus himself, their titles are nowhere near on the line because I would be doing the same to them as they've done to me, and escorting them out of the arena on stretchers with their title above my head. Instead, I just get to send them on a fun tandem ambulance ride and give them a doctor bill that basically states, "wow, they lived?"
How does all of that sound Ravyn? Christy? Does it sound enlightening? I mean for years you two have stated how much you know about me, claimed I was this, that or another, talked about who I really was deep down, and now, for the first time ever you two get to fucking FEEL who I am. My words here, they carry some weight but they mean nothing compared to what you will ultimately feel inside that ring. And I think SCW knew this. I think they knew what they were sending you two to a fiery pit of hell, and didn't quite want you to suffer a loss of those titles yet. They wanted you to see what kind of beating they COULD have given you, when you lost them, but they will take pity in the future.
Face it, you two, you're walking into something out of your element... This isn't just "a fight." This title garnered a reputation of brutality. The closest either of you came was probably when I'm assuming one of you were sucking off Lucas Knight at some point, since that whole Infamous consortium is just one giant circle jerk anyway. Shit the only positive about any of that is that you're keeping all of those "Infamous" cases of VD confined to a small group.
But I digress...
The fact is, truly ANYTHING goes on Breakdown. You could call your, probably sterile by now, comrades from Infamous to come assist, and I could probably call in a few equal favors, as could Jordan. But I wouldn't recommend that. I wouldn't recommend putting anyone you care about in harm's way because that would be what you're doing. You'd be putting people you care about in front of a one man and one woman firing squad that were prepared to fire at will. And is that what you REALLY want? I mean, who would nurse your wounds once all is said and done? We all know that drunkard Zoe can't be counted on because she'd see Isopropyl Alcohol, ignore the first word, and start chugging. And I don't know who else is in your carousel of cast members in Infamous, but I'm sure they're lovely, and you don't want them hurt either.
Christy... Ravyn... You two have been thorns in my side for years. You two have had moments where you've bested me, and yeah, I've had moments where I've done better than the both of you. But you're walking into a situation where you better pray to whatever deity you worship that you come out alive because this match... These rules... This moment... It is one where I have been GIFTED an opportunity to channel the darkness that I have lived with for years and show the world what it's like to live with what I have to deal with. I get the chance to unleash the mental hell that consumed me for so long, and do so in a way that leaves me in control. Now is the time where I take my life back, and use the thoughts and anxieties that plague me to teach others a very valuable lesson. Now is that moment where I truly take a step forward in life and quit trying to resurrect who I was. That person is part of who I am, and also on occasion a very negative part of who I am. I have to take that next step in not letting those old emotions, those old feelings, hold me back. I have to use them to push me forward and unleash the negativity on humanity, and harness the positivity for myself.
So bitches, beware... You thought Mother Nature making you bleed for 7 days and not dying was uncomfortable, guess how you'll feel when Jake Starr beats your asses in any way he sees fit, and you're forced to go back to the turntable of Infamous members and have one of them lick your "wounds." I'm not the guy you remember. I'm not the guy you can "describe" so eloquently. No... I'm going to become your worst fear come to life. Not the World's worst fear, because that would be the idea of either of you twat waffles procreating, but your worst fear. The one that recesses in the deepest, darkest, chasms of your mind... The fear that I'm truly better than you, now, and it's YOU who will play catch up!
With those last words, Jake slowly lowers his head, looking back down between his feet, as the scene fades to black.