04-25-2020, 04:02 AM
04-28-2020, 09:40 PM
The PG Chronicles
PG - used to certify that a motion picture is of such a nature that all ages may be allowed admission but parental guidance is suggested.
Adonis: “THAT’S what that means?”
The scene opens up with Derek Adonis, Man-Mountain, the Man of 1000 KABLAMs!, sitting in front of an open laptop computer. Having miraculously survived the early 2000’s abundance of viruses brought on by the easy access to pornography, Derek now uses the computer only when he needs clarification on something. At this point, that “something” is the status of PG. About six weeks ago or so, Derek was involved in a meeting at SCW headquarters where he was “instructed”... more or less forced… to adopt a more PG presentation. He was assigned someone for guidance, the bespectacled blue-haired professional Portia Wright. But still, Derek was confused by the whole thing, KABLAM was making money. Derek’s push to become President of the United States wasn’t being encumbered by his more-adult presentation. In fact, having Beard as his running mate was proving to be quite successful in the poling, and the polls were kind to it too. Still… maybe there was a way to use this to improve things even further. It’s not like Adonis was telling people to drink bleach or anything.
Derek closes the laptop, and Portia Wright sits on the other side of the table, her shirt buttoned to the very top, a ribbony tie wrapped at the apex. She smiles as she looks across, but Derek jumps anyway.
Adonis: “Holy fork, how did you get in?”
Wright: “When we met, you gave me a key, remember?”
Derek didn’t remember, but it was something entirely in character for him to do. For all of his “creepy” or - as it had been described - “rapey” mannerisms, this was a man with a heart of gold, who would open his home to anyone. Even if that person was someone he just met whose job was to effectively neuter his personality. Maybe he should have thought about THAT sooner…
Adonis: “Oh… right. Coffee?”
Derek reached behind him, pulling out a day-old pot of coffee. Condensation had formed on the glass of the pot as the half-full stock of coffee swirled around, not a single strand of steam billowing from it. Portia looks at the coffee and shakes her head.
Wright: “No thank you.”
Adonis: “Huh… suit yourself.”
Derek was secretly glad he wouldn’t have to share his coffee, as her refusal left him able to drink some of the ice-cold liquid straight from the pot. From the wide brim, coffee flows down both sides of Derek’s mouth, splashing down on his tight, white sleeveless shirt. Derek looks down at the forming stain, shyly shrugging his shoulders.
Adonis: “Hmm… oops?”
He sets his coffee pot in front of him, using the laptop as a coaster as he grabs what must have been some hastily-buttered toast to jam down his gullet.
Adonis: “So what brings you around here? Looking for a qualified wedding chapel to get hitched in?”
Wright: “What?”
Adonis: “You know… I have the third-best wedding chapel in Las Vegas. People flock from all over the various casinos to recite their liquored-up vows.”
Wright: “And that’s legal?”
Adonis: “Any marriage entered into at the KABLAM Wedding Chapel contains a place to sign indicating informed consent. If they want to annul later, that’s between them and ANOTHER lawyer, but our hands are clean.”
Wright: “That sounds very shady.”
Derek thinks about it, considering her point of view.
Adonis: “You know? I guess it kind of does. But, it’s a cut-throat business. If you think the business of PG consultation is heated? You haven’t seen ANYTHING!”
Wright: “Is it really that heated?”
Derek ponders, almost getting offended by the implication.
Adonis: “It IS! I mean… okay, I guess it’s probably fair that I don’t know exactly how heated PG consultation is… is it?”
Wright: “It’s not without its challenges… hey! This isn’t supposed to be about me,”
Adonis: “Sorry… old habits.”
There was a lull in the conversation. Were this one of those videos that Adonis had downloaded with such voracity a decade and a half ago, this would be where the action really started. Alas, this is NOT one of those videos. In the silence, Adonis takes another drink of day-old coffee straight from the pot, this time measuring the flow better so as to not lose any of the precious lifeblood on his clothes. Dabbing some of his greased up toast into the pot, he begins to wag it out at Portia.
Adonis: “But you never DID say what you were doing here. You’re too buttoned-up for a booty call.”
Wright: “Aren’t you married?”
Adonis: “It hasn’t stopped people from trying.”
Portia considers Derek’s words.
Wright: “Okay… first off… “people”? Not just “women”?”
Derek chews his toast, chuckling.
Adonis: “I guess I’m an accomplishment. Men seem to want to give me to their ladies.”
Wright: “Which leads to my second question: How?”
Adonis: “Huh?”
Wright: “I mean… and I don’t want to offend you or anything… but you’re not exactly what someone envisions when… you know.”
Adonis: “I don’t know.”
He really did know, but he wanted to make Portia say exactly what she was thinking instead of filling in the blanks. Seemed more fun that way.
Wright: “Well, you’re not what one would consider conventionally attractive. But from what I hear, you have quite a list of past partners.”
Adonis: “A box, actually. Do you want to see it!?”
Wright: “You keep a box?”
Adonis: “Oh yeah… pictures, gifts, other forget-me-nots. It’s really quite a collection.”
Wright: “You’re not answering me.”
Adonis: “How can I judge what others see in me? If I knew why those women decided to lay with me, I’d lean into that a lot more in life. You’d have to ask the ladies. But… uh… that ain’t exactly a PG conversation, is it?”
Wright: “No, I suppose it isn’t.”
Adonis: “I don’t even understand why we’re even doing this PG thing. It’s not like we’re losing money… we’re rolling in it. Could the FCC really be that bad? I mean really?”
Wright: “Derek, believe me. If it was up to me, we would absolutely work with your strengths. Subtlety is not it. But, you have a job to do. I have a job to do. So what i’m thinking is we do this in stages. We transition you from KABLAM to a more PG KABLAM.”
Adonis: “Suitable for children.”
Portia nods her head.
Wright: “Essentially, yes. If we just did a wholesale change with you, no one would buy it, you’d stumble down the card and out the door. We don’t want that because you DO carry some name value and, somehow, credibility. If we pace the change, no one notices.”
She grins while Derek scratches his head.
Adonis: “You came all this way… all the way to Vegas… to tell me we’re going to “pace the change”?”
Wright: “Yes.”
Adonis: “With no expectation of anything happening.”
Wright: “None at all.”
Adonis: “I guess… it’s not the WORST idea. BUT!”
Wright: “What is it?”
Adonis: “If we’re going to affect change, I want it all on me. Don’t tamper with Cookie… she’s perfect as she is.”
Wright: “I promise… my contract is solely focused on you.”
Adonis: “And KNN? Chesty?”
Portia isn’t quite sure how to answer that at first…
Wright: “I’m not sure if that’s something necessary for your act…”
Adonis: “If I transfer control to Cookie?”
Wright: “I suppose that’s a loophole.”
Adonis grins. “I suppose that’s a loophole” is a phrase he’s not unfamiliar with.”
Adonis: “Then I guess we can try… small steps.”
Portia smiles, sitting back.
Adonis: “Are you sure you don’t want any coffee?”
He holds out the pot, shaking it in her direction. Portia shakes her head, waving him off. Derek smiles, shrugging.
Adonis: “Your loss.”
He takes another big gulp from the pot, closing this particular scene out.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
“KABLAM! It’s me, King KABLAMppo… kind of like King Hippo, but when my drawers go down, they STAY down! Get it!? It’s been in my Twitter bio for a while now but I’ve never actually SAID it on camera, so I figured why not give it a shot now! What do you think? Is King Hippo too obscure of a reference to be digging with? I think he’s kind of the star of Punch Out, more than Little Mac, more than Mike Tyson, more than Soda Popinski or Joe Flamingo… even more than Glass Joe! Everyone loves that big lug! And that’s kind of my appeal, I think…
I’m just thinking out loud because if I stop trying to talk about myself being King Hippo, I have to start talking about something I really, really don’t want to talk about, and that’s Infamous. Oh, see… I just went and mentioned who they are, and now I have to keep going because I have these brain sparks working and if I don’t let them out, I’ll start to yawn from my brain overheating. That’s what a yawn is… your brain works too much and starts to overheat, so you cool off with a nice yawn. Fun facts with Man Mountain!
But Infamous, they wouldn’t share that fact with you unless there was something in it for them. They have been a force for badness in SCW for a while now… focusing only on what will enrich them, put them on top, and fudge everyone else. They and I differ greatly on that… they are TAKERS and I am a GIVER! I give until it hurts, which is pretty often because, like you saw earlier with them, often they go cheap with me. But I have a tiny step towards absolution at Breakdown with Christy Matthews.
Christy, I’m not going to lie. I like your siblings, Cory, Eric, and Morgan a HECK of a lot better than you! Why, I didn’t even SEE you on that show they had, probably to protect them from the influence of your friends.
But to be serious, you attacked me… your friends did anyway. All I was doing was spreading the Good Word of KABLAM and saving people from being bored to tears by ANOTHER Infamous speech and I was attacked. And while people may think I’m below the likes of Syren or Ravyn or even CHBK… apparently they don’t think it’s beneath YOU to face me. Why is that? Because you’re running errands for them. You do the jobs that are “beneath” the REAL “stars” of the group. If they respected you… I mean REALLY respected you… they’d not treat you so poorly. But it kind of sucks in a way. Because THEY treat you poorly, now I’M going to have to treat you poorly.
Because there’s nothing fun loving about our date at Breakdown. And after it’s said and done, lock me up.
Why?
Because in the ring, when the bell rings, I’m prepared to do something very… VERY non-consensual to you.
KABLAM!”
PG - used to certify that a motion picture is of such a nature that all ages may be allowed admission but parental guidance is suggested.
Adonis: “THAT’S what that means?”
The scene opens up with Derek Adonis, Man-Mountain, the Man of 1000 KABLAMs!, sitting in front of an open laptop computer. Having miraculously survived the early 2000’s abundance of viruses brought on by the easy access to pornography, Derek now uses the computer only when he needs clarification on something. At this point, that “something” is the status of PG. About six weeks ago or so, Derek was involved in a meeting at SCW headquarters where he was “instructed”... more or less forced… to adopt a more PG presentation. He was assigned someone for guidance, the bespectacled blue-haired professional Portia Wright. But still, Derek was confused by the whole thing, KABLAM was making money. Derek’s push to become President of the United States wasn’t being encumbered by his more-adult presentation. In fact, having Beard as his running mate was proving to be quite successful in the poling, and the polls were kind to it too. Still… maybe there was a way to use this to improve things even further. It’s not like Adonis was telling people to drink bleach or anything.
Derek closes the laptop, and Portia Wright sits on the other side of the table, her shirt buttoned to the very top, a ribbony tie wrapped at the apex. She smiles as she looks across, but Derek jumps anyway.
Adonis: “Holy fork, how did you get in?”
Wright: “When we met, you gave me a key, remember?”
Derek didn’t remember, but it was something entirely in character for him to do. For all of his “creepy” or - as it had been described - “rapey” mannerisms, this was a man with a heart of gold, who would open his home to anyone. Even if that person was someone he just met whose job was to effectively neuter his personality. Maybe he should have thought about THAT sooner…
Adonis: “Oh… right. Coffee?”
Derek reached behind him, pulling out a day-old pot of coffee. Condensation had formed on the glass of the pot as the half-full stock of coffee swirled around, not a single strand of steam billowing from it. Portia looks at the coffee and shakes her head.
Wright: “No thank you.”
Adonis: “Huh… suit yourself.”
Derek was secretly glad he wouldn’t have to share his coffee, as her refusal left him able to drink some of the ice-cold liquid straight from the pot. From the wide brim, coffee flows down both sides of Derek’s mouth, splashing down on his tight, white sleeveless shirt. Derek looks down at the forming stain, shyly shrugging his shoulders.
Adonis: “Hmm… oops?”
He sets his coffee pot in front of him, using the laptop as a coaster as he grabs what must have been some hastily-buttered toast to jam down his gullet.
Adonis: “So what brings you around here? Looking for a qualified wedding chapel to get hitched in?”
Wright: “What?”
Adonis: “You know… I have the third-best wedding chapel in Las Vegas. People flock from all over the various casinos to recite their liquored-up vows.”
Wright: “And that’s legal?”
Adonis: “Any marriage entered into at the KABLAM Wedding Chapel contains a place to sign indicating informed consent. If they want to annul later, that’s between them and ANOTHER lawyer, but our hands are clean.”
Wright: “That sounds very shady.”
Derek thinks about it, considering her point of view.
Adonis: “You know? I guess it kind of does. But, it’s a cut-throat business. If you think the business of PG consultation is heated? You haven’t seen ANYTHING!”
Wright: “Is it really that heated?”
Derek ponders, almost getting offended by the implication.
Adonis: “It IS! I mean… okay, I guess it’s probably fair that I don’t know exactly how heated PG consultation is… is it?”
Wright: “It’s not without its challenges… hey! This isn’t supposed to be about me,”
Adonis: “Sorry… old habits.”
There was a lull in the conversation. Were this one of those videos that Adonis had downloaded with such voracity a decade and a half ago, this would be where the action really started. Alas, this is NOT one of those videos. In the silence, Adonis takes another drink of day-old coffee straight from the pot, this time measuring the flow better so as to not lose any of the precious lifeblood on his clothes. Dabbing some of his greased up toast into the pot, he begins to wag it out at Portia.
Adonis: “But you never DID say what you were doing here. You’re too buttoned-up for a booty call.”
Wright: “Aren’t you married?”
Adonis: “It hasn’t stopped people from trying.”
Portia considers Derek’s words.
Wright: “Okay… first off… “people”? Not just “women”?”
Derek chews his toast, chuckling.
Adonis: “I guess I’m an accomplishment. Men seem to want to give me to their ladies.”
Wright: “Which leads to my second question: How?”
Adonis: “Huh?”
Wright: “I mean… and I don’t want to offend you or anything… but you’re not exactly what someone envisions when… you know.”
Adonis: “I don’t know.”
He really did know, but he wanted to make Portia say exactly what she was thinking instead of filling in the blanks. Seemed more fun that way.
Wright: “Well, you’re not what one would consider conventionally attractive. But from what I hear, you have quite a list of past partners.”
Adonis: “A box, actually. Do you want to see it!?”
Wright: “You keep a box?”
Adonis: “Oh yeah… pictures, gifts, other forget-me-nots. It’s really quite a collection.”
Wright: “You’re not answering me.”
Adonis: “How can I judge what others see in me? If I knew why those women decided to lay with me, I’d lean into that a lot more in life. You’d have to ask the ladies. But… uh… that ain’t exactly a PG conversation, is it?”
Wright: “No, I suppose it isn’t.”
Adonis: “I don’t even understand why we’re even doing this PG thing. It’s not like we’re losing money… we’re rolling in it. Could the FCC really be that bad? I mean really?”
Wright: “Derek, believe me. If it was up to me, we would absolutely work with your strengths. Subtlety is not it. But, you have a job to do. I have a job to do. So what i’m thinking is we do this in stages. We transition you from KABLAM to a more PG KABLAM.”
Adonis: “Suitable for children.”
Portia nods her head.
Wright: “Essentially, yes. If we just did a wholesale change with you, no one would buy it, you’d stumble down the card and out the door. We don’t want that because you DO carry some name value and, somehow, credibility. If we pace the change, no one notices.”
She grins while Derek scratches his head.
Adonis: “You came all this way… all the way to Vegas… to tell me we’re going to “pace the change”?”
Wright: “Yes.”
Adonis: “With no expectation of anything happening.”
Wright: “None at all.”
Adonis: “I guess… it’s not the WORST idea. BUT!”
Wright: “What is it?”
Adonis: “If we’re going to affect change, I want it all on me. Don’t tamper with Cookie… she’s perfect as she is.”
Wright: “I promise… my contract is solely focused on you.”
Adonis: “And KNN? Chesty?”
Portia isn’t quite sure how to answer that at first…
Wright: “I’m not sure if that’s something necessary for your act…”
Adonis: “If I transfer control to Cookie?”
Wright: “I suppose that’s a loophole.”
Adonis grins. “I suppose that’s a loophole” is a phrase he’s not unfamiliar with.”
Adonis: “Then I guess we can try… small steps.”
Portia smiles, sitting back.
Adonis: “Are you sure you don’t want any coffee?”
He holds out the pot, shaking it in her direction. Portia shakes her head, waving him off. Derek smiles, shrugging.
Adonis: “Your loss.”
He takes another big gulp from the pot, closing this particular scene out.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
“KABLAM! It’s me, King KABLAMppo… kind of like King Hippo, but when my drawers go down, they STAY down! Get it!? It’s been in my Twitter bio for a while now but I’ve never actually SAID it on camera, so I figured why not give it a shot now! What do you think? Is King Hippo too obscure of a reference to be digging with? I think he’s kind of the star of Punch Out, more than Little Mac, more than Mike Tyson, more than Soda Popinski or Joe Flamingo… even more than Glass Joe! Everyone loves that big lug! And that’s kind of my appeal, I think…
I’m just thinking out loud because if I stop trying to talk about myself being King Hippo, I have to start talking about something I really, really don’t want to talk about, and that’s Infamous. Oh, see… I just went and mentioned who they are, and now I have to keep going because I have these brain sparks working and if I don’t let them out, I’ll start to yawn from my brain overheating. That’s what a yawn is… your brain works too much and starts to overheat, so you cool off with a nice yawn. Fun facts with Man Mountain!
But Infamous, they wouldn’t share that fact with you unless there was something in it for them. They have been a force for badness in SCW for a while now… focusing only on what will enrich them, put them on top, and fudge everyone else. They and I differ greatly on that… they are TAKERS and I am a GIVER! I give until it hurts, which is pretty often because, like you saw earlier with them, often they go cheap with me. But I have a tiny step towards absolution at Breakdown with Christy Matthews.
Christy, I’m not going to lie. I like your siblings, Cory, Eric, and Morgan a HECK of a lot better than you! Why, I didn’t even SEE you on that show they had, probably to protect them from the influence of your friends.
But to be serious, you attacked me… your friends did anyway. All I was doing was spreading the Good Word of KABLAM and saving people from being bored to tears by ANOTHER Infamous speech and I was attacked. And while people may think I’m below the likes of Syren or Ravyn or even CHBK… apparently they don’t think it’s beneath YOU to face me. Why is that? Because you’re running errands for them. You do the jobs that are “beneath” the REAL “stars” of the group. If they respected you… I mean REALLY respected you… they’d not treat you so poorly. But it kind of sucks in a way. Because THEY treat you poorly, now I’M going to have to treat you poorly.
Because there’s nothing fun loving about our date at Breakdown. And after it’s said and done, lock me up.
Why?
Because in the ring, when the bell rings, I’m prepared to do something very… VERY non-consensual to you.
KABLAM!”