09-21-2018, 10:07 AM
Derek Adonis: “And then you leeeeeeeeeeeean back, wrapping yourself under yourself like a tortilla around a burrito. Now, with assistance from your partner kneeling directly in front of you… here, let me show you…”
Our scene rises up in the middle of another KABLAMaerobics class. Derek Adonis is dressed unfairly, squeezed into a hot-pink and neon-green leotard as he instructs his uncertain class of KABLAMaerobics enthusiasts. His partner, the voluptuous and scantily-clad Cookie Dreams, demonstrates the pigeon pose, tucking her arms under her head as she leans back, her chest protruding in the air and almost out of her own tights. Derek, already on his knees, waddles over to her awkwardly before he is directly in front of her. He presses his thankfully-covered groin against her’s, reaching over and holding her shoulders as he leans around. Over-exerting his own effort, he speaks with a cough…
Adonis: “And this…” (cough) “…is called the”… (gasp)… “…”Sexy Hand Pie, and is…” (gag)… “also page 28 of the KABLAMasutra! Now you…”
He attempts to breathlessly stammer out some words, but as expected, the position that he’s in is pressing down on his diaphragm, meaning no sound comes out. Still, he looks around at the class, spotting the women attempting their best pigeon poses and the men mimicking Adonis by pressing against them and reaching over. Derek holds his pose for as long as he can, before his throat is parched and he tips to the side, spilling onto the mat. Looking over, an unknown man raises his hand.
Man: “Mr. Adonis, sir?”
Derek rolls onto his side, facing the man as he gasps for air.
Adonis: “Yes, Ranjeet?”
Ranjeet: “Are we supposed to fall to the side like you?”
Adonis: “What? No!”
He looks over towards Cookie, who motions towards the man with her head, subliminally planting the idea in Derek’s head.
Adonis: “I mean… yes, of course. That’s all a part of KABLAMaerobics! Then, before you let your lady use you as a chair, you just…”
Derek struggles a bit to get his arms under him and straighten his feet.
Adonis: “Hold on, I got this…”
Finally, after minutes of attempting, Adonis is able to push himself up, ending up in a bridge position much to the amazement of anyone who would witness it.
Adonis: “Because of my guru-status in the world of KABLAM, my starring in KABLAMasutra: The TV Series, and my work in developing this very KABLAMaerobics program, I am able to attain physical feats that were previously deemed unattainable by me! I’m stronger, have a better core, and definitely a lot more ravenous! Cookie…”
He motions towards his wife (Remember when Cookie and Derek ended up married somehow? Good times…), who bounds over towards him and mounts him, while Derek actually maintains the bridge position! You can’t believe your eyes!
Adonis: “Thanks babe!”
Cookie: “You’re welcome!”
Adonis: “Not yet… KABLAM!”
Derek winks an excessively-cheesy wink, and the students in the room pick up on the innuendo, groaning.
Adonis: “And in KABLAMaerobics, we call this “The Sybian”.”
Woman: “Mr. Adonis…”
Derek looks over to another couple, this time with the woman looking over.
Adonis: “Yes, Shaniqua.”
Shaniqua: “It’s Cheryl.”
Derek nods his head… kind of… as his knees wobble.
Adonis: “Okay. Nice to meet you Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “What is this “Sybian” you mention.”
Derek smiles, looking up to Cookie.
Adonis: “Google break?”
Cookie: “Google break.”
Cookie dismounts Derek, who falls back to the floor and grabs a nearby towel, tossing it over his… um… “tent”.
Adonis: “Anyone interested in learning about a sybian can huddle around Cookie, who will show you on Google. I need… I need a couple minutes.”
The men are the first to push towards Cookie, with their women partners having to penetrate through their cocoon-like shell around her just to see. Derek struggles to his feet before walking over to the water fountain, where a man in a suit can be seen standing.
Man: “Busy class today?”
Adonis: “It is, but you know what they say: You do what you love.”
Man: “They also say “If you can’t do, teach”.”
Derek stops to think about that, wondering if he’s being insulted.
Adonis: “Well, the best programs are ones that the teacher can participate in, and BEL-IEVE ME. I have NO shortage of KABLAMING.”
Man: “Right… your wife?”
The man motions over to Cookie.
Adonis: “Yeah. Still don’t know how that happened.”
Man: “That makes two of us.”
Adonis: “No, seriously. We were celebrating my successes one night, and woke up married in the morning”
Man: “And she hasn’t moved to annul it? While in the prime of her life?”
Derek laughs.
Adonis: “Ours is an unconventional union.”
Man: “So you sleep with other people, too.”
Derek goes to respond, but suddenly finds himself overwhelmed with suspicion. Why is this suit asking so many questions?
Adonis: “You’re asking a lot of questions. Are you looking to open up your life to the wonder that is the KABLAMasutra? Are you interested in learning more about KABLAMaerobics? Do you…”
Rolling his eyes, the man reaches into his suit jacket, pulling out an envelope. He hands it over to Derek before shaking his head.
Man: “I’ve done my job, and it smells TERRIBLE in here!”
Without stopping to explain, the man walks out of the gym to the coincidental sounds of the women in the group responding with positive intrigue, having seen a sybian video on Cookie’s phone. Derek looks at the envelope… it was sealed. Most envelopes that he receives are tucked in the back. So Derek rips the top of the envelope open and pulls out the very-official looking letter. He mutters as he reads it, attempting to absorb the information from the letter into his head. As he goes through it, his eyes widen and widen, attracting the attention of the crowd. Cookie gets out of the human cocoon, moving towards Adonis.
Cookie: “Did it happen again?”
Without any context towards what “it” is, we can only be left to assume that Derek Adonis… er… “Kablammed” solo. But looking in Derek’s eyes, she doesn’t see the euphoria of orgasm. She sees something else… something she hadn’t seen in Derek’s eyes before. She sees…
Adonis: “I’m being sued for child support.”
The scene shifts…
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[REC.]
“Apparently I have a son. One of my flings from 2016, after I just joined SCW, says that I impregnated her and she gave birth to a son: Ulysses Superman Adonis. It was a cool name! I love the name, to be honest. But that wasn’t the point. The point was I’m easy to find! I’m an entrepreneur… a philanthropist, for that matter! I’m always looking at bettering people’s lives through the miracle that is KABLAM! Who could POSSIBLY want to exploit me with a child support order? And does SHE want a relationship? Does she want me to be a father figure to my child? Because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not ENTIRELY parenting material.
That being said, it’s a pretty big cliché that fathers walking alone with children are MAGNETS for hot women! This could lead to a whole new BOOM period… no, no… a KABLAM period!
I wonder which suit I should wear to court? My orange? Nah… that one always makes me look like a Jack-o-lantern. Why are they called “Jack-o-lanterns” anyway? Did some dude named Jack invent them? Are they supposed to look like Michael Jackson? Hoo-hoo!”
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Our scene rises up inside a small courtroom. Derek Adonis sits behind one of the presiding desks, clad in his deep purple suit with yellow trim and a matching yellow tie. In the public gallery behind him are Cookie, his aforementioned wife (somehow) and Manvel, Derek’s best friend and oil marketer extraordinaire. For some reason, Scott Burnside, Bree Lancaster’s Personal Assistant, happened to be in the area and is in the courtroom as well, sitting next to Manvel. There are a few others in attendance – the Dependables, Jimmy the Psycho Chihuahua from some chihuahua-themed movies, the Hi-Bounce Ball of Doom superball in its own seat, and Judge Judy, all sitting on Adonis’ side. Whatever is happening, it’s drawing out some unusual attendees.
Finally, Derek sees the doors at the back of the courtroom open, and the woman with whom he shared a night walks through. He instantly recognizes her.
Manvel: “Is she even 18?”
The woman glares over at Adonis’ side of the courtroom, having heard the quip.
Woman: “I’m 26, asshole.”
Her lawyer moves between the woman and Adonis’ side, cautioning her that any outbursts like that might negatively affect her case. The lawyer – the same man who appeared in Derek’s KABLAMaerobics gym earlier in this piece – looks over to Adonis.
Lawyer: “No attorney of your own?”
Adonis: “I just want to do the right thing, okay?”
Lawyer: “Hmm… good.”
The lawyer moves over to his side of the room. The woman, however, stares icy daggers over at Adonis, who tries to pretend he doesn’t notice.
Arnie Braunschweiger: “Do you think she is one of THEM?”
Chuck Taurus: “She might be. I’ve got ol’ Missy wound up just in case.”
Chuck brings his foot up, giving it… um… giving HER a kiss. Finally, the bailiff enters the courtroom.
Bailiff: “All rise for the Honorable Judge Horace Wapner.”
Yes, just like some other famous men of their profession have family members named Horace following in THEIR footsteps, Horace Wapner enters the courtroom. This results in Rain Man standing up…
Rain Man: “JUDGE WAPNER!”
There, hopefully you get the reference now. Rain Man casually exits the courtroom, having fulfilled his entire purpose. The Judge takes his seat and motions for everyone else to do so.
Wapner: “Okay, so this is the case of Adonis vs. Rose…”
He looks over at the two sides, seeing the relative normalcy on the side of “Rose”, and the utter insanity of the group that gathered to support Derek Adonis. Shaking his head and stacking his notes, he remarks…
Wapner: “Okay… Miss Rose, how did this come about?”
She stands up.
Rose: “I was in Las Vegas to get married.”
Wapner: “As many are.”
Rose: “My fiancé and I had it all planned out. Our parents didn’t want us to get married, so we HAD to go to Vegas to do it. We looked up and down at all these wedding chapels that would do it, but most of them were booked up, and we wanted to get it done quickly, so the wait times at any of them were unacceptable. Finally, we found the Chapel of Eternal KABLAM.”
Wapner: “And that’s owned by you?”
He motions over to Adonis, who nods his head.
Adonis: “Yes, your majesty.”
Rose: “When we got in, we had everything picked out: The dress, his suit, the music, the backdrop. It was supposed to be perfect. Then, my fiancé… ex-fiancé, I guess… totally pussied out and left me at the altar.”
Wapner: “And that’s when Mr. Adonis…?”
The judge motions to Derek again, almost inferring in his tone that Derek took advantage of this woman.
Rose: “…was there.”
Wapner: “I don’t follow.”
Rose: “I was left at the altar, your honor. I was heartbroken, and decided to get revenge. This man was there. He had a honeymoon suite on site to rent by the hour. So yeah… right place, right time. Lucky him.”
Derek sits back grinning, as Manvel pats him on the back to congratulate him.
Wapner: “And now you’re seeking damages and support?”
Rose: “Yes, your honor.”
Wapner: “Okay. Mr. Adonis, your response?”
Derek stands up, straightening his tie and moving forward.
Adonis: “Your majesty, I didn’t even know she had a child until a few days ago when Pee Wee Herman delivered me the notice to appear.”
Wapner: “Pee Wee?”
The woman’s lawyer rises, holding his hand up.
Lawyer: “He’s referring to me, your honor.”
Wapner: “Ehh… I can see it. Carry on.”
Adonis: “So I wasn’t even given a chance to be in my son’s life before now. All I got out of the deal was a night of amazing KAB… er… amazing coitus. And I am a sentimental man… of course I would want to raise my child, teach him all my tricks and someday leave my chapel to him when I finally move to a nude beach in Europe.”
Rose: “Gross.”
Adonis: “So really, I’M the one who was damaged by being denied this. I’m a sentimental guy… a fucking teddy bear.”
Wapner: “We don’t need to know about your sex life, sir.”
Adonis: “I just want a chance to be there for my son, ok? I rest my case.”
The Judge looks over at Derek, who sits back on his chair, his arm crossed and nodding his head. The woman shakes her head as her lawyer leans over to her.
Lawyer: “Chastity, you told me that he knew.”
Rose: “I thought he did. Can’t you hook him up to a lie detector or something?”
Lawyer: “We could, but that evidence would be inadmissible in a courtroom. I think what we need to do is book a paternity test to make sure he’s even the right guy…”
Rose: “Of course he’s the right guy! I hadn’t even slept with my fiancé before going to Vegas… we were saving ourselves for marriage.”
Manvel: “Ironic…”
Chastity Rose… what a great name… looks over to Manvel.
Rose: “How about you SHUT YOUR FACE!”
Her lawyer perks up to calm her down.
Lawyer: “Leave him, ok? Forget him. He’s just going to get oil on you.”
Adonis: “KABLAM!”
All eyes in the courtroom turn to Adonis, who realizes his faux-pas and humbly lowers his head.
Adonis: “I mean… Kablam, your majesty.”
He lowers his head in reverence. Judge Wapner, having finally heard enough, speaks up.
Wapner: “Okay, so here’s what’s going to happen: You’re going to get a paternity test for…”
He looks down at the papers…
Wapner: “Ulysses Superman?”
Rose: “It’s a family name.”
Wapner: “Oh…kay? You’re going to get a paternity test to prove that Mr. Adonis is, in fact, the biological father of Ulysses. At the conclusion of that, there will be a child support order put in place if appropriate, and we can talk about visitation rights. In the meantime, I recommend you two talk it out and try to work something out that would be best for that child. Court is adjourned.”
Judge Wapner bangs his gavel and rises, exiting the courtroom. Once everyone is out, Derek turns to his gallery.
Adonis: “Um… thank you everyone for coming to support me and stuff. I guess we’re going to get to the bottom of this and…”
Rose: “Derek…”
Adonis jumps, nearly having a heart attack.
Adonis: “JESUS CHRIST! Don’t sneak up on me like that!”
Rose: “Can we speak in private?”
Derek looks to his gallery, half of whom already left. Manvel motions that it’s okay, moving Cookie out with his arm around her waist. One by one (and two), the courtroom empties until there are two left.
Rose: “Did you mean what you said there?”
Adonis: “Yes, we did have amazing coitus.”
Rose: “No…”
She lowers her head, trying not to appear too vulnerable to this man, who as far as she’s concerned is the father of her son.
Rose: “Do you really want to be in your son’s life?”
Adonis: “Well, yeah. If he’s the fruit of my loins (KABLAM), then I want to help him develop into a fully functional man.”
Rose: “This goes against every fibre of my being, but…”
She musters up some courage and sighs, handing him a slip of paper.
Rose: “There’s my address and phone number. Give me a call and we’ll set up for you to see him.”
Adonis: “You mean that?”
Rose: “I want what’s best for my son, and if that’s you, then… yeah.”
She doesn’t say another word, turning and leaving the courtroom as Derek looks over the phone number. A cheeky grin forms on his face.
Adonis: “Oh, I definitely will be using THIS… KABLAM!”
With that, Derek moves to exit the courtroom, but not before jumping and clicking his heels together, almost losing his balance on the ending and stumbling into the seating gallery. He catches himself, though, and once he regains his equilibrium, he exits the courtroom. The scene fades.
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[REC.]
“Ladies and gentlemen with ladies – because of you, KABLAMaerobics is TAKING OFF in all corners of the nation! Because of YOU, the KABLAMasutra is a New York Post Bestseller! Because of YOU, KABLAMAsutra: The TV Series swept the Skinemmys, and continues to set ratings records! So from the bottom of my heart’s heart, thank you for that. But our work, my friends, is far from done. We are always HARD (KABLAM) at work developing more and more to enhance YOUR lives through the miracle that is KABLAM! What was once my personal motto and what I shouted out upon climax has become a rallying cry for people like me, with insatiable appetites and a desire to feast upon the buffet of loooooooooove!
But there are non-believers walking among you! These are people who do not understand the true nature of KABLAM so they do not RESPECT it. They think we are smut-peddlers, and say that like it’s a BAD thing! But it’s not! It’s a wonderful, miraculous thing! It has brought joy to so many lives. It has made people’s lives better! It has made them healthier. I have done more than increase people’s appetites. I have SAVED relationships! I have had men and women come to me to THANK me, because through MY programs, and MY brainchild, they have been able to turn their relationships from flaccid to fabulous! They have been able to communicate their NEEEEEEEEDS better and their bonds have become stronger because of that! So, world, despite what other people might think, I am actually SAVING lives! And these critics… the people who would JUDGE me for that… those who call me a “cancer” or a “smut-peddler”… they are unhappy about that. And I don’t get it!
KABLAM = HAPPINESS!
But I can endure the slings and arrows of the judgmental few, because the words and motivation of the massive army of KABLAMasutra Believers pushes me on! They help me realize that I am doing the right thing. That my actions, while judged under a harsh light, are RIGHTEOUS! What this is… is a NEW revolution! Say it with me, folks…
KABLAM!
EQUALS!
HAPPY!
I don’t know what Fatal Fortunes has in store for Man Mountain and the Golden Triangle. But what I DO know is that whatever it is, I will stand with my head held high knowing that I am saving lives, saving relationships, and becoming UNDENIABLE! And, with KABLAMaerobics, I will be ready for anything that comes (KABLAM) my way!
KABLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!”
Our scene rises up in the middle of another KABLAMaerobics class. Derek Adonis is dressed unfairly, squeezed into a hot-pink and neon-green leotard as he instructs his uncertain class of KABLAMaerobics enthusiasts. His partner, the voluptuous and scantily-clad Cookie Dreams, demonstrates the pigeon pose, tucking her arms under her head as she leans back, her chest protruding in the air and almost out of her own tights. Derek, already on his knees, waddles over to her awkwardly before he is directly in front of her. He presses his thankfully-covered groin against her’s, reaching over and holding her shoulders as he leans around. Over-exerting his own effort, he speaks with a cough…
Adonis: “And this…” (cough) “…is called the”… (gasp)… “…”Sexy Hand Pie, and is…” (gag)… “also page 28 of the KABLAMasutra! Now you…”
He attempts to breathlessly stammer out some words, but as expected, the position that he’s in is pressing down on his diaphragm, meaning no sound comes out. Still, he looks around at the class, spotting the women attempting their best pigeon poses and the men mimicking Adonis by pressing against them and reaching over. Derek holds his pose for as long as he can, before his throat is parched and he tips to the side, spilling onto the mat. Looking over, an unknown man raises his hand.
Man: “Mr. Adonis, sir?”
Derek rolls onto his side, facing the man as he gasps for air.
Adonis: “Yes, Ranjeet?”
Ranjeet: “Are we supposed to fall to the side like you?”
Adonis: “What? No!”
He looks over towards Cookie, who motions towards the man with her head, subliminally planting the idea in Derek’s head.
Adonis: “I mean… yes, of course. That’s all a part of KABLAMaerobics! Then, before you let your lady use you as a chair, you just…”
Derek struggles a bit to get his arms under him and straighten his feet.
Adonis: “Hold on, I got this…”
Finally, after minutes of attempting, Adonis is able to push himself up, ending up in a bridge position much to the amazement of anyone who would witness it.
Adonis: “Because of my guru-status in the world of KABLAM, my starring in KABLAMasutra: The TV Series, and my work in developing this very KABLAMaerobics program, I am able to attain physical feats that were previously deemed unattainable by me! I’m stronger, have a better core, and definitely a lot more ravenous! Cookie…”
He motions towards his wife (Remember when Cookie and Derek ended up married somehow? Good times…), who bounds over towards him and mounts him, while Derek actually maintains the bridge position! You can’t believe your eyes!
Adonis: “Thanks babe!”
Cookie: “You’re welcome!”
Adonis: “Not yet… KABLAM!”
Derek winks an excessively-cheesy wink, and the students in the room pick up on the innuendo, groaning.
Adonis: “And in KABLAMaerobics, we call this “The Sybian”.”
Woman: “Mr. Adonis…”
Derek looks over to another couple, this time with the woman looking over.
Adonis: “Yes, Shaniqua.”
Shaniqua: “It’s Cheryl.”
Derek nods his head… kind of… as his knees wobble.
Adonis: “Okay. Nice to meet you Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “What is this “Sybian” you mention.”
Derek smiles, looking up to Cookie.
Adonis: “Google break?”
Cookie: “Google break.”
Cookie dismounts Derek, who falls back to the floor and grabs a nearby towel, tossing it over his… um… “tent”.
Adonis: “Anyone interested in learning about a sybian can huddle around Cookie, who will show you on Google. I need… I need a couple minutes.”
The men are the first to push towards Cookie, with their women partners having to penetrate through their cocoon-like shell around her just to see. Derek struggles to his feet before walking over to the water fountain, where a man in a suit can be seen standing.
Man: “Busy class today?”
Adonis: “It is, but you know what they say: You do what you love.”
Man: “They also say “If you can’t do, teach”.”
Derek stops to think about that, wondering if he’s being insulted.
Adonis: “Well, the best programs are ones that the teacher can participate in, and BEL-IEVE ME. I have NO shortage of KABLAMING.”
Man: “Right… your wife?”
The man motions over to Cookie.
Adonis: “Yeah. Still don’t know how that happened.”
Man: “That makes two of us.”
Adonis: “No, seriously. We were celebrating my successes one night, and woke up married in the morning”
Man: “And she hasn’t moved to annul it? While in the prime of her life?”
Derek laughs.
Adonis: “Ours is an unconventional union.”
Man: “So you sleep with other people, too.”
Derek goes to respond, but suddenly finds himself overwhelmed with suspicion. Why is this suit asking so many questions?
Adonis: “You’re asking a lot of questions. Are you looking to open up your life to the wonder that is the KABLAMasutra? Are you interested in learning more about KABLAMaerobics? Do you…”
Rolling his eyes, the man reaches into his suit jacket, pulling out an envelope. He hands it over to Derek before shaking his head.
Man: “I’ve done my job, and it smells TERRIBLE in here!”
Without stopping to explain, the man walks out of the gym to the coincidental sounds of the women in the group responding with positive intrigue, having seen a sybian video on Cookie’s phone. Derek looks at the envelope… it was sealed. Most envelopes that he receives are tucked in the back. So Derek rips the top of the envelope open and pulls out the very-official looking letter. He mutters as he reads it, attempting to absorb the information from the letter into his head. As he goes through it, his eyes widen and widen, attracting the attention of the crowd. Cookie gets out of the human cocoon, moving towards Adonis.
Cookie: “Did it happen again?”
Without any context towards what “it” is, we can only be left to assume that Derek Adonis… er… “Kablammed” solo. But looking in Derek’s eyes, she doesn’t see the euphoria of orgasm. She sees something else… something she hadn’t seen in Derek’s eyes before. She sees…
Adonis: “I’m being sued for child support.”
The scene shifts…
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[REC.]
“Apparently I have a son. One of my flings from 2016, after I just joined SCW, says that I impregnated her and she gave birth to a son: Ulysses Superman Adonis. It was a cool name! I love the name, to be honest. But that wasn’t the point. The point was I’m easy to find! I’m an entrepreneur… a philanthropist, for that matter! I’m always looking at bettering people’s lives through the miracle that is KABLAM! Who could POSSIBLY want to exploit me with a child support order? And does SHE want a relationship? Does she want me to be a father figure to my child? Because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not ENTIRELY parenting material.
That being said, it’s a pretty big cliché that fathers walking alone with children are MAGNETS for hot women! This could lead to a whole new BOOM period… no, no… a KABLAM period!
I wonder which suit I should wear to court? My orange? Nah… that one always makes me look like a Jack-o-lantern. Why are they called “Jack-o-lanterns” anyway? Did some dude named Jack invent them? Are they supposed to look like Michael Jackson? Hoo-hoo!”
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Our scene rises up inside a small courtroom. Derek Adonis sits behind one of the presiding desks, clad in his deep purple suit with yellow trim and a matching yellow tie. In the public gallery behind him are Cookie, his aforementioned wife (somehow) and Manvel, Derek’s best friend and oil marketer extraordinaire. For some reason, Scott Burnside, Bree Lancaster’s Personal Assistant, happened to be in the area and is in the courtroom as well, sitting next to Manvel. There are a few others in attendance – the Dependables, Jimmy the Psycho Chihuahua from some chihuahua-themed movies, the Hi-Bounce Ball of Doom superball in its own seat, and Judge Judy, all sitting on Adonis’ side. Whatever is happening, it’s drawing out some unusual attendees.
Finally, Derek sees the doors at the back of the courtroom open, and the woman with whom he shared a night walks through. He instantly recognizes her.
Manvel: “Is she even 18?”
The woman glares over at Adonis’ side of the courtroom, having heard the quip.
Woman: “I’m 26, asshole.”
Her lawyer moves between the woman and Adonis’ side, cautioning her that any outbursts like that might negatively affect her case. The lawyer – the same man who appeared in Derek’s KABLAMaerobics gym earlier in this piece – looks over to Adonis.
Lawyer: “No attorney of your own?”
Adonis: “I just want to do the right thing, okay?”
Lawyer: “Hmm… good.”
The lawyer moves over to his side of the room. The woman, however, stares icy daggers over at Adonis, who tries to pretend he doesn’t notice.
Arnie Braunschweiger: “Do you think she is one of THEM?”
Chuck Taurus: “She might be. I’ve got ol’ Missy wound up just in case.”
Chuck brings his foot up, giving it… um… giving HER a kiss. Finally, the bailiff enters the courtroom.
Bailiff: “All rise for the Honorable Judge Horace Wapner.”
Yes, just like some other famous men of their profession have family members named Horace following in THEIR footsteps, Horace Wapner enters the courtroom. This results in Rain Man standing up…
Rain Man: “JUDGE WAPNER!”
There, hopefully you get the reference now. Rain Man casually exits the courtroom, having fulfilled his entire purpose. The Judge takes his seat and motions for everyone else to do so.
Wapner: “Okay, so this is the case of Adonis vs. Rose…”
He looks over at the two sides, seeing the relative normalcy on the side of “Rose”, and the utter insanity of the group that gathered to support Derek Adonis. Shaking his head and stacking his notes, he remarks…
Wapner: “Okay… Miss Rose, how did this come about?”
She stands up.
Rose: “I was in Las Vegas to get married.”
Wapner: “As many are.”
Rose: “My fiancé and I had it all planned out. Our parents didn’t want us to get married, so we HAD to go to Vegas to do it. We looked up and down at all these wedding chapels that would do it, but most of them were booked up, and we wanted to get it done quickly, so the wait times at any of them were unacceptable. Finally, we found the Chapel of Eternal KABLAM.”
Wapner: “And that’s owned by you?”
He motions over to Adonis, who nods his head.
Adonis: “Yes, your majesty.”
Rose: “When we got in, we had everything picked out: The dress, his suit, the music, the backdrop. It was supposed to be perfect. Then, my fiancé… ex-fiancé, I guess… totally pussied out and left me at the altar.”
Wapner: “And that’s when Mr. Adonis…?”
The judge motions to Derek again, almost inferring in his tone that Derek took advantage of this woman.
Rose: “…was there.”
Wapner: “I don’t follow.”
Rose: “I was left at the altar, your honor. I was heartbroken, and decided to get revenge. This man was there. He had a honeymoon suite on site to rent by the hour. So yeah… right place, right time. Lucky him.”
Derek sits back grinning, as Manvel pats him on the back to congratulate him.
Wapner: “And now you’re seeking damages and support?”
Rose: “Yes, your honor.”
Wapner: “Okay. Mr. Adonis, your response?”
Derek stands up, straightening his tie and moving forward.
Adonis: “Your majesty, I didn’t even know she had a child until a few days ago when Pee Wee Herman delivered me the notice to appear.”
Wapner: “Pee Wee?”
The woman’s lawyer rises, holding his hand up.
Lawyer: “He’s referring to me, your honor.”
Wapner: “Ehh… I can see it. Carry on.”
Adonis: “So I wasn’t even given a chance to be in my son’s life before now. All I got out of the deal was a night of amazing KAB… er… amazing coitus. And I am a sentimental man… of course I would want to raise my child, teach him all my tricks and someday leave my chapel to him when I finally move to a nude beach in Europe.”
Rose: “Gross.”
Adonis: “So really, I’M the one who was damaged by being denied this. I’m a sentimental guy… a fucking teddy bear.”
Wapner: “We don’t need to know about your sex life, sir.”
Adonis: “I just want a chance to be there for my son, ok? I rest my case.”
The Judge looks over at Derek, who sits back on his chair, his arm crossed and nodding his head. The woman shakes her head as her lawyer leans over to her.
Lawyer: “Chastity, you told me that he knew.”
Rose: “I thought he did. Can’t you hook him up to a lie detector or something?”
Lawyer: “We could, but that evidence would be inadmissible in a courtroom. I think what we need to do is book a paternity test to make sure he’s even the right guy…”
Rose: “Of course he’s the right guy! I hadn’t even slept with my fiancé before going to Vegas… we were saving ourselves for marriage.”
Manvel: “Ironic…”
Chastity Rose… what a great name… looks over to Manvel.
Rose: “How about you SHUT YOUR FACE!”
Her lawyer perks up to calm her down.
Lawyer: “Leave him, ok? Forget him. He’s just going to get oil on you.”
Adonis: “KABLAM!”
All eyes in the courtroom turn to Adonis, who realizes his faux-pas and humbly lowers his head.
Adonis: “I mean… Kablam, your majesty.”
He lowers his head in reverence. Judge Wapner, having finally heard enough, speaks up.
Wapner: “Okay, so here’s what’s going to happen: You’re going to get a paternity test for…”
He looks down at the papers…
Wapner: “Ulysses Superman?”
Rose: “It’s a family name.”
Wapner: “Oh…kay? You’re going to get a paternity test to prove that Mr. Adonis is, in fact, the biological father of Ulysses. At the conclusion of that, there will be a child support order put in place if appropriate, and we can talk about visitation rights. In the meantime, I recommend you two talk it out and try to work something out that would be best for that child. Court is adjourned.”
Judge Wapner bangs his gavel and rises, exiting the courtroom. Once everyone is out, Derek turns to his gallery.
Adonis: “Um… thank you everyone for coming to support me and stuff. I guess we’re going to get to the bottom of this and…”
Rose: “Derek…”
Adonis jumps, nearly having a heart attack.
Adonis: “JESUS CHRIST! Don’t sneak up on me like that!”
Rose: “Can we speak in private?”
Derek looks to his gallery, half of whom already left. Manvel motions that it’s okay, moving Cookie out with his arm around her waist. One by one (and two), the courtroom empties until there are two left.
Rose: “Did you mean what you said there?”
Adonis: “Yes, we did have amazing coitus.”
Rose: “No…”
She lowers her head, trying not to appear too vulnerable to this man, who as far as she’s concerned is the father of her son.
Rose: “Do you really want to be in your son’s life?”
Adonis: “Well, yeah. If he’s the fruit of my loins (KABLAM), then I want to help him develop into a fully functional man.”
Rose: “This goes against every fibre of my being, but…”
She musters up some courage and sighs, handing him a slip of paper.
Rose: “There’s my address and phone number. Give me a call and we’ll set up for you to see him.”
Adonis: “You mean that?”
Rose: “I want what’s best for my son, and if that’s you, then… yeah.”
She doesn’t say another word, turning and leaving the courtroom as Derek looks over the phone number. A cheeky grin forms on his face.
Adonis: “Oh, I definitely will be using THIS… KABLAM!”
With that, Derek moves to exit the courtroom, but not before jumping and clicking his heels together, almost losing his balance on the ending and stumbling into the seating gallery. He catches himself, though, and once he regains his equilibrium, he exits the courtroom. The scene fades.
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[REC.]
“Ladies and gentlemen with ladies – because of you, KABLAMaerobics is TAKING OFF in all corners of the nation! Because of YOU, the KABLAMasutra is a New York Post Bestseller! Because of YOU, KABLAMAsutra: The TV Series swept the Skinemmys, and continues to set ratings records! So from the bottom of my heart’s heart, thank you for that. But our work, my friends, is far from done. We are always HARD (KABLAM) at work developing more and more to enhance YOUR lives through the miracle that is KABLAM! What was once my personal motto and what I shouted out upon climax has become a rallying cry for people like me, with insatiable appetites and a desire to feast upon the buffet of loooooooooove!
But there are non-believers walking among you! These are people who do not understand the true nature of KABLAM so they do not RESPECT it. They think we are smut-peddlers, and say that like it’s a BAD thing! But it’s not! It’s a wonderful, miraculous thing! It has brought joy to so many lives. It has made people’s lives better! It has made them healthier. I have done more than increase people’s appetites. I have SAVED relationships! I have had men and women come to me to THANK me, because through MY programs, and MY brainchild, they have been able to turn their relationships from flaccid to fabulous! They have been able to communicate their NEEEEEEEEDS better and their bonds have become stronger because of that! So, world, despite what other people might think, I am actually SAVING lives! And these critics… the people who would JUDGE me for that… those who call me a “cancer” or a “smut-peddler”… they are unhappy about that. And I don’t get it!
KABLAM = HAPPINESS!
But I can endure the slings and arrows of the judgmental few, because the words and motivation of the massive army of KABLAMasutra Believers pushes me on! They help me realize that I am doing the right thing. That my actions, while judged under a harsh light, are RIGHTEOUS! What this is… is a NEW revolution! Say it with me, folks…
KABLAM!
EQUALS!
HAPPY!
I don’t know what Fatal Fortunes has in store for Man Mountain and the Golden Triangle. But what I DO know is that whatever it is, I will stand with my head held high knowing that I am saving lives, saving relationships, and becoming UNDENIABLE! And, with KABLAMaerobics, I will be ready for anything that comes (KABLAM) my way!
KABLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!”