08-26-2023, 06:55 AM
08-28-2023, 03:15 PM
We open in the obesely expensive auditorium used by Religious Wright for his sanctuary, his worship hall at The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas. Brother Douglas is standing on stage in blue denim overalls a stained white t-shirt and boots. The lights begin to play some flashy disco style lighting as Brother Douglas begins to play his electric guitar.
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! JESUS! FUCK YEAH!”
“WORSHIP THE LAWD! FUCK YEAH! JAMES EVANS! FUCK YEAH!”
And then Religious Wright emerges at the front of the auditorium wearing a black hooded cloak and nothing else (sorry, too much information, I know, but at least the hooded cloak is completely tied up and closed shut, right?). Religious Wright is carrying his holy book in his hands as he dances down the aisle to the music of Brother Douglas…
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! SARAH WOLF! FUCK NO!”
“GONNA WHIP HER ASS! FUCK YEAH! FOR JAMES! FUCK YEAH!”
Wright dances his way all the way to the front. He kisses some babies along the way, shakes some hands along the way, he even kisses some women along the way…at least one woman grabs his plump buttocks. There is a distinct possibility that they are having an affair. Wright then continues dancing towards the steps of the stage.
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! RISE TO GREATNESS! FUCK YEAH!”
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! JAMES EVANS! FUCK YEAH!”
Wright makes it to the stage and steps behind a podium. Brother Douglas stops his playing to allow Wright time to speak. Wright turns to face Brother Douglas.
“Brother Douglast, please inform the congregation and the sheep at home what happened at Rise To James?”
“Kandis defeated Selena Frost to become SCW World Champion.”
“Yes but that’s not important.”
“Oh…uh, Deanna Frost won two matches in back to back nights retaining her SCW United States Title!”
“Who gives a damn about her?! Next!”
“Oh…well…Simon Lyman made a glorious return to defeat Gavin Taylor….”
“SHUT UP!” Wright shouts angrily. He motions to himself. “I’m talking about me!”
“Oh you…” Brother Douglas smiles stupidly. “Sorry, I keep forgetting. Well, at Rise to James you got beat by Adam Brock.”
“Incorrect.” Wright shakes his head. “I fiercely defended the values and good name of Prophet James Evans against the barbaric horde!”
“You still lost, pastor.”
“Shut up.” Wright snaps at him angrily. Then he takes his holy book and slams it down on the podium, causing a crack in the podium. “Listen to me, my brothas and my sistas in JAMES!” Wright says as he pounds his fist on the podium. “Listen to the Book of James Chapter 6 verse 9…and behold the great and terrible Wolf, the one known as Sarah, this Wolf of Sarah shall descend from the north upon the leaf of maples, to bring evil and blasphemy to the land of Satanic Championship Worship!”
Wright presses a button and loud booing can be heard. Not booing Wright, obviously, because why would anyone boo a man of the cloth? No, they are booing SCW: Satanic Championship Wrestling. They are also booing The Wolf of Sarah. Yes, that’s who they are booing. Wright smirks as he holds up his hand to get the attention of the congregation.
“But lo from the clouds, the beautifully glorious lands known as Boone of the Carolina of the North, comes a savior who shall bring down the vengeance of tha LAWWWWD upon the Wolf of Sarah!” Wright pushes another button. Suddenly chants of ‘James!’ erupt in the congregation. Is this really a chant? Not really. Not even a chant of the Gregorian kind. This is a computer recording. Isn’t Wright smart? Wright shakes his head and the chanting ceases as quickly as it began. “No, my children! Not James! The Prophet James has not yet returned! The Prophet James has decreed that his disciple, The Great Pastor Religious Wright shall smite The Wolf of Sarah! Religious Wright shall tame the beast! Religious Wright shall turn her into a poodle! And through the Power of James Evans, Religious Wright shall cleanse all of Satanic Championship Worship from all evil!”
Wright presses another button and the computer recording blares loud cheers from the congregation. Wright then bows his head and clasps his hands as if he is in prayer. “This…has been the Word of James…”
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!” Brother Douglas says after striking a loud and obnoxious guitar riff. Wright then steps out from behind the podium and, after reading from his holy book, begins to preach the sermon.
“Now then my brothas and my sistas in James, what we have here in today’s scripture reading is what is called a PROPHECY! Now I am aware that most of you in attendance today and all of you watching from home are too ignorant and stupid to comprehend the Word of James, let alone a prophecy as complex as this, so allow me to interpret for the small minded ones among us. This prophecy takes place during The Post Selena Era of Satanic Championship Worship. Also known as The Ass Era. We see Satanic Championship Worship being invaded from the north upon the leaf of maples…this is clearly a reference to the fifty-first state of the United States, Canada…”
“Uh, Pastor Wright…”
Wright rolls his eyes out of frustration. “What is it, Brother Douglas? Can’t you see that I am preaching to the ignorant masses?!”
“Yes, but uh, Canada is a sovereign nation.”
“No, no, no,” Wright shakes his head. “You are mistaken. Canada was annexed into the United States during the Presidency of James Evans.”
“He was?” Brother Douglas tilts his head to the side.
“Of course. He came between Daddy Bush and Baby Bush. His Presidency was also known as Sex Between The Bushes.”
“Oh, right.”
“Now where was I? Oh yes. The Wolf of Sarah invades Satanic Championship Worship from Canada, specifically Toronto, which is her obvious choice seeing as she is a Toronto Maple Leafs fan…excuse me, Maples Laughs!” Wright presses a button and a laugh track plays. Once the laugh track ends Wright continues speaking. “And the Wolf of Sarah hates all things sacred, even the things Satan Championship Worship holds near and dear, things such as Rise To Greatness. Therefore it makes perfect sense that the Wolf of Sarah, a TORONTO MAPLE LAUGHS FAN, would invade FROM TORONTO at Rise To Greatness and attack Alex Mack!”
“Alexis Quinne.”
“Who?”
“Alexis Quinne.” Brother Douglas repeats. “Sarah Wolf attacked Alexis Quinne.”
“I thought that was the Medicine Woman.”
“That’s Dr. Quinne.”
“I thought that was Magenta from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.”
“That’s Patricia Quinne.”
“I thought that was the child actor starring in Annie.”
“That’s Aileen Quinne.”
“Then who the hell am I thinking of?”
“Alexis Quinne.”
“She was great in The Secret World of Alex Mack, but clearly wrestling is NOT her forte! Now anyway, as I was saying, the Wolf of Sarah invaded Rise To Greatness and attacked Alexis Quinne! And why has the Wolf of Sarah returned? What brings this foul deviant canine back to Satanic Championship Worship? The answer is to spread falsehoods, blasphemies, and ruin the good names of JAMES EVANS! But you need not fear, because Religious Wright is here to slay the beast!” Wright takes a bow as the cheering track is played again.
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH”! Brother Dogulas shouts loudly as he plays a guitar riff.
“Now Brother Douglas, tell the congregation what exactly does a wolf symbolize in sacred scripture!”
“Well, according to Google, it loyalty, family, communication, wisdom, teaching, and intelligence.”
Wright glares angrily as he walks over and smacks Brother Douglas in the back of his head. “Not THAT link, you idiot! The other one!”
“Oh, sorry…uh, power, loyalty, guardianship, teamwork and wildness?” This, too earns Brother Douglas a smack in the back of his head.
“Wrong again! Try the third link!”
“Well…uh…a wolf is, uh…a metaphor for evil men with a lust for power and dishonest gain?”
“Precisely!” Wright grins from ear to ear. “Sarah Wolf is an evil man with a lust for power and dishonest gain! Also she’s a whore, but enough about her ONE positive quality. The fact is that she returned to drag Satanic Championship Worship even further down into the depths of hell itself. She also returned to vomit on people. Just look at how she puked all over poor Sister Alexis! Would James Evans allow vomiting on people to stand in HIS SPORT, HIS ARENA, HIS SCW?!”
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH…” Brother Douglas shouts before a glare from Wright causes him to reconsider his answer “...uh, FUCK NO!”
“Exactly! James Evans would not allow some trifling harlot to walk right into his home and vomit all over helpless people! Not only is it disgusting but it is very unsafe and unsanitary! Who knows what kind of diseases Alexis Quinne might have got from being puked on? The news I am receiving from my VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE SOURCES is that Sarah Wolf’s vomit is mutating Alexis Quinne. Unless a cure is found soon, she will be forever scarred and be forced to wear a dolphin costume and join the Happy Farmstead Friends as its newest member…DISGRUNTLED DOLPHIN!”
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!”
“We will not let that happen!” Wright gets up close to the camera. “Don’t worry, Alexis, we will save you from becoming Disgruntled Dolphin! Meanwhile, as far as The Wolf of Sarah is concerned…THE POWAH OF JAMES EVANS will make you pay for the suffering you have caused! For every human being you have ever puked on, the wrath of a thousand Jameses shall rain down upon you tenfold! And it will take place on Breakdown! It will take place in front of the whole world! And it will take place for the GLORY OF JAMES EVANS!”
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! JESUS! FUCK YEAH!”
“WORSHIP THE LAWD! FUCK YEAH! JAMES EVANS! FUCK YEAH!”
And then Religious Wright emerges at the front of the auditorium wearing a black hooded cloak and nothing else (sorry, too much information, I know, but at least the hooded cloak is completely tied up and closed shut, right?). Religious Wright is carrying his holy book in his hands as he dances down the aisle to the music of Brother Douglas…
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! SARAH WOLF! FUCK NO!”
“GONNA WHIP HER ASS! FUCK YEAH! FOR JAMES! FUCK YEAH!”
Wright dances his way all the way to the front. He kisses some babies along the way, shakes some hands along the way, he even kisses some women along the way…at least one woman grabs his plump buttocks. There is a distinct possibility that they are having an affair. Wright then continues dancing towards the steps of the stage.
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! RISE TO GREATNESS! FUCK YEAH!”
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! JAMES EVANS! FUCK YEAH!”
Wright makes it to the stage and steps behind a podium. Brother Douglas stops his playing to allow Wright time to speak. Wright turns to face Brother Douglas.
“Brother Douglast, please inform the congregation and the sheep at home what happened at Rise To James?”
“Kandis defeated Selena Frost to become SCW World Champion.”
“Yes but that’s not important.”
“Oh…uh, Deanna Frost won two matches in back to back nights retaining her SCW United States Title!”
“Who gives a damn about her?! Next!”
“Oh…well…Simon Lyman made a glorious return to defeat Gavin Taylor….”
“SHUT UP!” Wright shouts angrily. He motions to himself. “I’m talking about me!”
“Oh you…” Brother Douglas smiles stupidly. “Sorry, I keep forgetting. Well, at Rise to James you got beat by Adam Brock.”
“Incorrect.” Wright shakes his head. “I fiercely defended the values and good name of Prophet James Evans against the barbaric horde!”
“You still lost, pastor.”
“Shut up.” Wright snaps at him angrily. Then he takes his holy book and slams it down on the podium, causing a crack in the podium. “Listen to me, my brothas and my sistas in JAMES!” Wright says as he pounds his fist on the podium. “Listen to the Book of James Chapter 6 verse 9…and behold the great and terrible Wolf, the one known as Sarah, this Wolf of Sarah shall descend from the north upon the leaf of maples, to bring evil and blasphemy to the land of Satanic Championship Worship!”
Wright presses a button and loud booing can be heard. Not booing Wright, obviously, because why would anyone boo a man of the cloth? No, they are booing SCW: Satanic Championship Wrestling. They are also booing The Wolf of Sarah. Yes, that’s who they are booing. Wright smirks as he holds up his hand to get the attention of the congregation.
“But lo from the clouds, the beautifully glorious lands known as Boone of the Carolina of the North, comes a savior who shall bring down the vengeance of tha LAWWWWD upon the Wolf of Sarah!” Wright pushes another button. Suddenly chants of ‘James!’ erupt in the congregation. Is this really a chant? Not really. Not even a chant of the Gregorian kind. This is a computer recording. Isn’t Wright smart? Wright shakes his head and the chanting ceases as quickly as it began. “No, my children! Not James! The Prophet James has not yet returned! The Prophet James has decreed that his disciple, The Great Pastor Religious Wright shall smite The Wolf of Sarah! Religious Wright shall tame the beast! Religious Wright shall turn her into a poodle! And through the Power of James Evans, Religious Wright shall cleanse all of Satanic Championship Worship from all evil!”
Wright presses another button and the computer recording blares loud cheers from the congregation. Wright then bows his head and clasps his hands as if he is in prayer. “This…has been the Word of James…”
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!” Brother Douglas says after striking a loud and obnoxious guitar riff. Wright then steps out from behind the podium and, after reading from his holy book, begins to preach the sermon.
“Now then my brothas and my sistas in James, what we have here in today’s scripture reading is what is called a PROPHECY! Now I am aware that most of you in attendance today and all of you watching from home are too ignorant and stupid to comprehend the Word of James, let alone a prophecy as complex as this, so allow me to interpret for the small minded ones among us. This prophecy takes place during The Post Selena Era of Satanic Championship Worship. Also known as The Ass Era. We see Satanic Championship Worship being invaded from the north upon the leaf of maples…this is clearly a reference to the fifty-first state of the United States, Canada…”
“Uh, Pastor Wright…”
Wright rolls his eyes out of frustration. “What is it, Brother Douglas? Can’t you see that I am preaching to the ignorant masses?!”
“Yes, but uh, Canada is a sovereign nation.”
“No, no, no,” Wright shakes his head. “You are mistaken. Canada was annexed into the United States during the Presidency of James Evans.”
“He was?” Brother Douglas tilts his head to the side.
“Of course. He came between Daddy Bush and Baby Bush. His Presidency was also known as Sex Between The Bushes.”
“Oh, right.”
“Now where was I? Oh yes. The Wolf of Sarah invades Satanic Championship Worship from Canada, specifically Toronto, which is her obvious choice seeing as she is a Toronto Maple Leafs fan…excuse me, Maples Laughs!” Wright presses a button and a laugh track plays. Once the laugh track ends Wright continues speaking. “And the Wolf of Sarah hates all things sacred, even the things Satan Championship Worship holds near and dear, things such as Rise To Greatness. Therefore it makes perfect sense that the Wolf of Sarah, a TORONTO MAPLE LAUGHS FAN, would invade FROM TORONTO at Rise To Greatness and attack Alex Mack!”
“Alexis Quinne.”
“Who?”
“Alexis Quinne.” Brother Douglas repeats. “Sarah Wolf attacked Alexis Quinne.”
“I thought that was the Medicine Woman.”
“That’s Dr. Quinne.”
“I thought that was Magenta from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.”
“That’s Patricia Quinne.”
“I thought that was the child actor starring in Annie.”
“That’s Aileen Quinne.”
“Then who the hell am I thinking of?”
“Alexis Quinne.”
“She was great in The Secret World of Alex Mack, but clearly wrestling is NOT her forte! Now anyway, as I was saying, the Wolf of Sarah invaded Rise To Greatness and attacked Alexis Quinne! And why has the Wolf of Sarah returned? What brings this foul deviant canine back to Satanic Championship Worship? The answer is to spread falsehoods, blasphemies, and ruin the good names of JAMES EVANS! But you need not fear, because Religious Wright is here to slay the beast!” Wright takes a bow as the cheering track is played again.
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH”! Brother Dogulas shouts loudly as he plays a guitar riff.
“Now Brother Douglas, tell the congregation what exactly does a wolf symbolize in sacred scripture!”
“Well, according to Google, it loyalty, family, communication, wisdom, teaching, and intelligence.”
Wright glares angrily as he walks over and smacks Brother Douglas in the back of his head. “Not THAT link, you idiot! The other one!”
“Oh, sorry…uh, power, loyalty, guardianship, teamwork and wildness?” This, too earns Brother Douglas a smack in the back of his head.
“Wrong again! Try the third link!”
“Well…uh…a wolf is, uh…a metaphor for evil men with a lust for power and dishonest gain?”
“Precisely!” Wright grins from ear to ear. “Sarah Wolf is an evil man with a lust for power and dishonest gain! Also she’s a whore, but enough about her ONE positive quality. The fact is that she returned to drag Satanic Championship Worship even further down into the depths of hell itself. She also returned to vomit on people. Just look at how she puked all over poor Sister Alexis! Would James Evans allow vomiting on people to stand in HIS SPORT, HIS ARENA, HIS SCW?!”
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH…” Brother Douglas shouts before a glare from Wright causes him to reconsider his answer “...uh, FUCK NO!”
“Exactly! James Evans would not allow some trifling harlot to walk right into his home and vomit all over helpless people! Not only is it disgusting but it is very unsafe and unsanitary! Who knows what kind of diseases Alexis Quinne might have got from being puked on? The news I am receiving from my VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE SOURCES is that Sarah Wolf’s vomit is mutating Alexis Quinne. Unless a cure is found soon, she will be forever scarred and be forced to wear a dolphin costume and join the Happy Farmstead Friends as its newest member…DISGRUNTLED DOLPHIN!”
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!”
“We will not let that happen!” Wright gets up close to the camera. “Don’t worry, Alexis, we will save you from becoming Disgruntled Dolphin! Meanwhile, as far as The Wolf of Sarah is concerned…THE POWAH OF JAMES EVANS will make you pay for the suffering you have caused! For every human being you have ever puked on, the wrath of a thousand Jameses shall rain down upon you tenfold! And it will take place on Breakdown! It will take place in front of the whole world! And it will take place for the GLORY OF JAMES EVANS!”
08-30-2023, 11:54 AM
==========
A Long Time Ago
In an Arkansas far, far away…
Off Camera
==========
John Wright is a very sad, sad, poor excuse of a human being. His long stringy oily haired appearance is a turn off for the Bible-belt area in Arkansas, most of whom think he is some hoodlum, not just for his appearance but also due to his not very upstanding behavior in the community. It is a shame because Mr. Wright was once a fine young man in high school, he wasn’t exactly a scholar. He made straight F’s and the only reason he passed was because of his athleticism; he was the absolute best wrestler in high school and the school, who only gave a damn about their sporting success, made sure his poor grades were overlooked. Hooray for the public education system! John Wright wanted to continue his wrestling success, seeing as that was the only avenue towards success that he had, so he went off to college at the University of Arkansas (go Razorbacks!) and tried out for their wrestling team. Of course the talented grappler made the squad with relative ease and, just like in high school, his piss poor grades were overlooked and at times outright ignored so he could continue to help the Razorback Wrestling Squad succeed.
Alas as the good book says, if you are not careful you will fall into temptation and sin. John Wright was no exception to that rule. Had he just maintained his focus on wrestling then perhaps things could have been different? Perhaps things could have worked out had he just did exactly what he did in high school; be a horrible, dumb student and just floated by on his incredible wrestling skill? Nevertheless, that isn’t happening now. Poor Mr. Wright got caught up in what most students get up in when they move away from their comforts and protections of home and into the unsafe and unprotected world of wild college life: partying, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. This is what brings our boy Johnny to his wrestling coach’s office this evening. Wright sits there in a chair watching as his muscle headed, buzz cut haired coach, Clinton Hudson, paces back and forth in an impatient, upset fashion, taking the occasional moment to stop and glare at his star athlete with the nasty eye.
“Wright, you done fucked up this time!”
“I swear I did not fuck your daughter again, sir!”
“I didn’t fuck literally, I meant it figuratively you dumb son of a…” he stops pacing and tilts his head to one side “...wait, you fucked my daughter?!”
“Uh, did I say fucked? What I meant to say is that your daughter has incredible luck!” John smiles, hoping Clinton will buy it. No such luck. Clinton smacks him upside the head.
“That was for banging my daughter like a salvation army drum you piece of crap!”
“Sorry, sir.” Wright says apologetically. “Next time your daughter and I decide to have wild, animalistic sex in your bedroom while you’re gone, we’ll ask permission.”
“Damn right you will.” Clinton growls. “But that’s not why you done fucked up.”
“Oh…is this about when I fucked the school president’s daughter?”
“You did?” Clinton smiles, almost as if he is impressed. “I actually admire that boy.”
“Thank you sir!”
“But no…”
“No?”
“No…remember what I said? This isn’t a literal fucking. You fucked up figuratively. Myself and many of the higher ups at this institution have been busting our asses to cover YOUR ass whenever you make a mistake. And you wanna know why we do that?”
“Because you believe in the importance of a quality education?”
“No, dipshit. We want to win national championships and YOU, Johnny, are a golden ticket to an NCAA National Championship! You had the absolute lowest GPA in high school.”
“Huh?” John says in a surprised tone. “I’m great at Grand Theft Auto!”
“That’s GTA, ya moron! GPA is Grade Point Average, and your grades in high school stunk! But the University of Arkansas fought like hell to get you here anyway. We had hoped that maybe there was some brain lurking around in that thick skull of yours.” Coach Hudson shakes his head. “No such luck, I’m afraid. Turns out you are STILL dumb as a box of rocks. But you were in luck, you were such a damn fine wrestler that the University of Arkansas was hell bent on making damn sure your grades were ignored. We passed you on to make certain you could still win us championships. Hell, I even took a damn test for you!”
“Thank you, sir!”
He smacks him again. “That wasn’t a compliment, numbnuts! Anyway, that was just problem number one you created for this institution. We covered your ass. Then it got worse. As you’ve pointed out, you have been banging anything that walks on two legs and is female. Shit, I think you banged a sheep once.”
“It was just the one sheep!” Wright insists. “I was curious!”
“You indeed are a ladies man, Johnny. You’re real lucky their boyfriends didn’t whip your ass. Lucky or maybe you just had this fine institution watching your back? But then, as usual with you, you continued to fuck up even worse. Imagine my surprise when the Dean of the College came to me and informed me that a Mr. J Wright was dealing meth, crack, and cocaine?”
“But I was told it was legal.”
“Who the hell told you that shit was legal?!”
“The drunk hobo who lives under the bridge.”
“Jerry?!” Clinton asks. John nods his head. “Jerry thinks this is the year 5059 and that he is the God Thor and this is Asgard!”
“He seemed like a reasonable enough guy to me.” John Wright says. “He says Odin gave him the authority to legalize meth, crack, and cocaine and I thought Odin sounded like a good source of authority.”
“You are a moron!” Coach Hudson smacks him again. “Which probably explains why you stripped naked in front of the college president!”
“My friend Dogulas double dog dared me!” John insists. “And you can turn down a dare but never EVER a double dog dare!”
“Look, Johnny,” Clinton shakes his head with disgust “the bad grades, being a sex fiend, trafficking drugs, and stripping naked in front of school officials we can all ignore all for the sake of winning a championship. But then you broke the one sin we cannot forgive!” He gets up in John Wright’s face. “YOU WORE A MOTHER FUCKING LSU JERSEY TO CLASSES ON SPIRIT WEEK YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH!”
“But I like the colors!”
“This is a Razorback school and we do not support those Louisiana Losers!” He points to the door of his office. “You are officially expelled, Mr. Wright! Now get your Louisiana loving ass out of my office!”
John Wright quickly stands up. “But Coach, please! Give me a chance to redeem myself!”
“No! No more chances!” Clinton shakes his head. “You broke the cardinal rule…NO supporting the LSU football program! Now LEAVE!”
John Wright has finally screwed up one time too many. He has made too many mistakes and there isn’t anyone else willing to save him. He turns and walks out of the office, believing his wrestling career has sadly ended. What else is there for him? He could get into professional wrestling? As a former high school and collegiate wrestler…REAL wrestling!...he would have a leg up on those fakers! Or maybe there are other avenues? His pal, Douglas, is connected to a small non-denominational church in Mt. Judea, Arkansas, a congregation that recently lost its pastor. And his pal from under the bridge, Jerry, did suggest starting a religion might be fun?
A Long Time Ago
In an Arkansas far, far away…
Off Camera
==========
John Wright is a very sad, sad, poor excuse of a human being. His long stringy oily haired appearance is a turn off for the Bible-belt area in Arkansas, most of whom think he is some hoodlum, not just for his appearance but also due to his not very upstanding behavior in the community. It is a shame because Mr. Wright was once a fine young man in high school, he wasn’t exactly a scholar. He made straight F’s and the only reason he passed was because of his athleticism; he was the absolute best wrestler in high school and the school, who only gave a damn about their sporting success, made sure his poor grades were overlooked. Hooray for the public education system! John Wright wanted to continue his wrestling success, seeing as that was the only avenue towards success that he had, so he went off to college at the University of Arkansas (go Razorbacks!) and tried out for their wrestling team. Of course the talented grappler made the squad with relative ease and, just like in high school, his piss poor grades were overlooked and at times outright ignored so he could continue to help the Razorback Wrestling Squad succeed.
Alas as the good book says, if you are not careful you will fall into temptation and sin. John Wright was no exception to that rule. Had he just maintained his focus on wrestling then perhaps things could have been different? Perhaps things could have worked out had he just did exactly what he did in high school; be a horrible, dumb student and just floated by on his incredible wrestling skill? Nevertheless, that isn’t happening now. Poor Mr. Wright got caught up in what most students get up in when they move away from their comforts and protections of home and into the unsafe and unprotected world of wild college life: partying, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. This is what brings our boy Johnny to his wrestling coach’s office this evening. Wright sits there in a chair watching as his muscle headed, buzz cut haired coach, Clinton Hudson, paces back and forth in an impatient, upset fashion, taking the occasional moment to stop and glare at his star athlete with the nasty eye.
“Wright, you done fucked up this time!”
“I swear I did not fuck your daughter again, sir!”
“I didn’t fuck literally, I meant it figuratively you dumb son of a…” he stops pacing and tilts his head to one side “...wait, you fucked my daughter?!”
“Uh, did I say fucked? What I meant to say is that your daughter has incredible luck!” John smiles, hoping Clinton will buy it. No such luck. Clinton smacks him upside the head.
“That was for banging my daughter like a salvation army drum you piece of crap!”
“Sorry, sir.” Wright says apologetically. “Next time your daughter and I decide to have wild, animalistic sex in your bedroom while you’re gone, we’ll ask permission.”
“Damn right you will.” Clinton growls. “But that’s not why you done fucked up.”
“Oh…is this about when I fucked the school president’s daughter?”
“You did?” Clinton smiles, almost as if he is impressed. “I actually admire that boy.”
“Thank you sir!”
“But no…”
“No?”
“No…remember what I said? This isn’t a literal fucking. You fucked up figuratively. Myself and many of the higher ups at this institution have been busting our asses to cover YOUR ass whenever you make a mistake. And you wanna know why we do that?”
“Because you believe in the importance of a quality education?”
“No, dipshit. We want to win national championships and YOU, Johnny, are a golden ticket to an NCAA National Championship! You had the absolute lowest GPA in high school.”
“Huh?” John says in a surprised tone. “I’m great at Grand Theft Auto!”
“That’s GTA, ya moron! GPA is Grade Point Average, and your grades in high school stunk! But the University of Arkansas fought like hell to get you here anyway. We had hoped that maybe there was some brain lurking around in that thick skull of yours.” Coach Hudson shakes his head. “No such luck, I’m afraid. Turns out you are STILL dumb as a box of rocks. But you were in luck, you were such a damn fine wrestler that the University of Arkansas was hell bent on making damn sure your grades were ignored. We passed you on to make certain you could still win us championships. Hell, I even took a damn test for you!”
“Thank you, sir!”
He smacks him again. “That wasn’t a compliment, numbnuts! Anyway, that was just problem number one you created for this institution. We covered your ass. Then it got worse. As you’ve pointed out, you have been banging anything that walks on two legs and is female. Shit, I think you banged a sheep once.”
“It was just the one sheep!” Wright insists. “I was curious!”
“You indeed are a ladies man, Johnny. You’re real lucky their boyfriends didn’t whip your ass. Lucky or maybe you just had this fine institution watching your back? But then, as usual with you, you continued to fuck up even worse. Imagine my surprise when the Dean of the College came to me and informed me that a Mr. J Wright was dealing meth, crack, and cocaine?”
“But I was told it was legal.”
“Who the hell told you that shit was legal?!”
“The drunk hobo who lives under the bridge.”
“Jerry?!” Clinton asks. John nods his head. “Jerry thinks this is the year 5059 and that he is the God Thor and this is Asgard!”
“He seemed like a reasonable enough guy to me.” John Wright says. “He says Odin gave him the authority to legalize meth, crack, and cocaine and I thought Odin sounded like a good source of authority.”
“You are a moron!” Coach Hudson smacks him again. “Which probably explains why you stripped naked in front of the college president!”
“My friend Dogulas double dog dared me!” John insists. “And you can turn down a dare but never EVER a double dog dare!”
“Look, Johnny,” Clinton shakes his head with disgust “the bad grades, being a sex fiend, trafficking drugs, and stripping naked in front of school officials we can all ignore all for the sake of winning a championship. But then you broke the one sin we cannot forgive!” He gets up in John Wright’s face. “YOU WORE A MOTHER FUCKING LSU JERSEY TO CLASSES ON SPIRIT WEEK YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH!”
“But I like the colors!”
“This is a Razorback school and we do not support those Louisiana Losers!” He points to the door of his office. “You are officially expelled, Mr. Wright! Now get your Louisiana loving ass out of my office!”
John Wright quickly stands up. “But Coach, please! Give me a chance to redeem myself!”
“No! No more chances!” Clinton shakes his head. “You broke the cardinal rule…NO supporting the LSU football program! Now LEAVE!”
John Wright has finally screwed up one time too many. He has made too many mistakes and there isn’t anyone else willing to save him. He turns and walks out of the office, believing his wrestling career has sadly ended. What else is there for him? He could get into professional wrestling? As a former high school and collegiate wrestler…REAL wrestling!...he would have a leg up on those fakers! Or maybe there are other avenues? His pal, Douglas, is connected to a small non-denominational church in Mt. Judea, Arkansas, a congregation that recently lost its pastor. And his pal from under the bridge, Jerry, did suggest starting a religion might be fun?
09-01-2023, 08:28 PM
I’m sorry I fudged the date and missed the deadline. Sincere apologies.