Television Championship Eliminator
Billy Breakdown vs. Derek Adonis
2 RP limit for singles; 4 RP limit for tag team
Deadline: Noon ET Tuesday, October 30, 2018
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Derek Adonis: ”You have been with us from the beginning! You bought the VERY FIRST EDITION of the KABLAMASUTRA…”
You: “I didn’t know the body could twist like that!”
Adonis: “You vaulted KABLAMASUTRA: The Movie and KABLAMASUTRA: The TV Series into cultural icon status…”
You: “I didn’t know Arnie Braunschweiger’s body could twist like that!”
Adonis: “You practice KABLAMAEROBICS faithfully…”
You: “I didn’t know MY body could twist like this! Ow ow ow!”
Adonis: “Are you ready for the newest innovation in the lexiKABLAM? Because I, Derek Adonis, Man Mountain, the Lady’s Man’s Man, have DONE IT (KABLAM) AGAIN! Introducing…
KABLAMINDER!
Adonis: “KABLAMinder combines the practices you read about in the KABLAMasutra, the raw animality you watched in the movie and TV series, and the exercises and positions you practice in KABLAMaerobics and gives you the oppor… the opportu… the chance to put them all to good use! Just download the KABLAMinder app…”
The scene shows Cookie Dreams with her iPhone, having already downloaded KABLAMinder…
Adonis: “And you will see other eligible people in the area that have also downloaded it! And awaaaaay. Weeeeee. Gooooooo!”
Cookie begins to scroll through. The first image, an absolute uggo by Derek Adonis standards, reflects on the screen in front of her.
Cookie: “Ick! How do these people FIND me!?”
And she swipes him away.
Adonis: “Like other apps of the KABLAMinder ilk, Cookie is able to dismiss those who don’t meet her KABLAMATASTIC standards!”
The second comes up… and a picture of a heavily-oiled Manvel comes up on her screen.
Cookie: “Helloooooo, nurse!”
She swipes him into her contacts.
Adonis: “And those who do… well… the KABLAM begins there.”
A message pops up on Cookie’s screen from Manvel.
MANTASTICMANVEL123: That’s what I’m talking about… come to Daddy!
Adonis laughs.
Adonis: “And we made a KABLAM-connection! All thanks to KABLAMinder! You can download the app wherever apps are downloaded! I should have made that clear to begin with… this isn’t a menu item… but with KABLAMinder, you certainly won’t find yourself famished… IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! KABLAM!!”
The commercial draws to a close…
-----
In the real world, Derek Adonis sits on a sofa next to Chastity Rose, the woman who ended up being the mother of his latest known child - a young six-or-seven month son or something. Derek can’t remember exact details because all he had with the woman was a one-night stand - taken advantage of after her prospective husband bailed on her at his wedding chapel in Las Vegas. Derek had so much fun from those types of women… how could things have gone so sideways? (It’s important to note here that Derek never actually took any sex-ed, so his knowledge of human biology is limited to what he saw from videos growing up… KABLAM!)
AAAAAAAAAAAAANYWAY…
Chastity looks mortified at what she just saw. She attempts to stammer out some words but, probably for the best, English seems to be failing her. That, of course, doesn’t stop Man Mountain from asking.
Adonis: “So… what did you think?”
But in her dumbfounded gaze, Chastity (lol) finds that words escape her.
Rose: “Your wife…”
Adonis: “Yeah, she’s great, ain’t she?”
Rose: “Is using an app…”
Adonis: “KABLAMinder!”
Rose: “To find sex partners…”
Adonis: “KABLAMates!”
Rose: “And you’re facilitating that.”
Adonis: “If anyone is going to financially benefit from bringing people together, why not me?”
She pinches the bridge of her nose.
Rose: “I just… I don’t understand it.”
Adonis: “Well, you see, when a man and a woman have a base attraction between them…”
Rose: “No, no… I get that. But… your wife…”
Derek laughs.
Adonis: “I get that reaction a lot. Can you believe I managed to land that?”
Rose: “You don’t seem to get what I’m saying here.”
Adonis: “I mean, sure - neither of us remember ACTUALLY getting married or the wedding night or anything. We just kind of woke up with sparklies on our hands.”
Rose: “... That makes more sense now.”
Adonis: “But we do make BEAUTIFUL music…”
She pauses blankly.
Rose: “Less sense.”
Adonis: “KABLAMasutra: The Album… coming soon!”
Chastity looks ahead to where Derek is mugging.
Rose: “Wha… where are you looking? There’s no camera.”
Derek, however, has a cheesy grin as he holds in place. Chastity sits back, again pinching the bridge of her nose and shaking her head, attempting to avoid the gaze of any potential camera as the scene shifts.
-----
[REC.]
Adonis: “IT’S HALLOWEEN!!”
For Derek Adonis, Halloween has typically been one of the most lucrative nights of the year. With the dawn of the “sexy” costume, Derek has had a veritable smorgasbord for the eyes to feast upon year after year. Sexy Ghostbuster. Sexy Care Bear. Sexy Nun. The only limits that existed did so in one’s imagination. And as the women “loosened up” due to the fun of Halloween (and a chaser of Jell-O shots stuffed with gummy worms to help the process), Halloween had become Derek Adonis’ favourite night on the calendar.
Except Valentine’s Day. That one also typically results in Man Mountain experiencing a big bang (KABLAM!).
At the present time, Derek Adonis isn’t dressed in a costume. In fact, outside of a collection of pixels, Derek Adonis isn’t dressed in anything. But believe him – it’s a LOT of pixels! Still, he stands in front of the camera without an ounce of shame, his hands proudly on his hips and his (pixels) on full display.
Adonis: “And that means HALLOWEEN BUNNIES! Or other DELICIOUS costumes… it really doesn’t matter to Man Mountain. What DOES matter is that Halloween is my favourite time of year! Women become empowered by their costumes and resist the shackles that uncaring, selfish men impose on them! They take their power back and boy, do they ever. KABLAM!”
Derek winks at the camera, a scene that becomes increasingly disturbing when you begin to think about what’s behind those pixels.
Adonis: “Since the dawn of time, this has been the night where people pretend to be something they aren’t. For me, you might think that means pretending I’m not an absolute HIT with the ladies… but not so fast! Halloween is also about giving you the chance to show the world truly what you believe you should be! At least, that’s what I get out of it. I get to try and become SCW’s Champion of Television again! And all I have to do to move one step closer is defeat the Breakdown Intergalactic Champion, Billy Breakdown WITH the positively DELECTABLE Miss Misato at ringside! Ohhhh… that fortune cookie gives me such intrigue!”
Derek almost begins to drool before he actually begins to drool. I’m so sorry for that visual… but at least the pixels aren’t being washed away, right?
Adonis: “And as much as I would love to split that fortune cookie in two…”
He pauses.
Adonis: “That sounds WAAAAAAAAAAY too violent, so let me clarify: I mean that sexually. Just imagine that her legs are the two folded sides of the fortune cookie, and by splitting them, I can… you know what? You probably get it by now.”
At least you had better.
Adonis: “But I know that I’m going to be in tough against Billy Breakdown. I mean he’s the guy they named the show after! What chance do I have? Well… let me tell you, because like Billy, I have a show named for me as well. It’s called “KABLAMASUTRA: The Series”, and between the scenes of softcore intercourse and the inclusion of MAN MOUNTAIN, that show is a ratings success! Maybe not in the conventional sense, but our regular viewers rate the program QUITE highly. And I know that Billy went through the wringer to get that Intergalactic Championship. I’m sure the delegation of Yip Yips were disappointed to lose the title, but have accepted him as their new King. But I’m going to give it the old college try!”
Derek begins to happily reminisce, leaning back against the wall.
Adonis: “Ahhhh, college. Now THOSE were good times. I was pulling it at least weekly. But that’s not important right now. What matters is getting back to my state as SCW Champion of Television! And to get there, I get to have a DREAM MATCH against one of the best in Billy Breakdown! I will do what I can to be THE ONE to challenge for the strap! Because what good is a body like this…”
Derek displays his body as viewers the world over praise the person who invented pixelization.
Adonis: “A shiny gold belt shines even more! And then, maybe afterwards, you and me and Miss Misato (KABLAM!) can be friends.”
He laughs a bit, kind of creepily, before realizing he was laughing kind of creepily and stops, staring forward blankly.
Adonis: “KABLAM!”
The scene fades away.