12-06-2018, 04:38 AM
12-11-2018, 10:47 AM
LEGEND:
ORANGE indicates spoken dialogue
RED indicates items recorded and available for public consumption
BLUE indicates items not recorded or available for public consumption
The scene opens up with an unknown logo - KNN. After some 90’s-esque news reel music plays, we come to a state of the art news production studio where a well-endowed woman in a low-cut top can be seen sitting behind a desk. This buxom brunette, who must have paid a small fortune for her marketable assets, looks into the camera…
Woman: “Hi! I’m Chesty LaRue for the KABLAM News Network!”
Of course…
Chesty: “Today’s top story… KABLAMperor Supreme and all-around hunk of a man, Derek Adonis, was visited by local authorities at his home prior to his Championship of Television defense against Katie Stewart…”
Producer: “Psst…”
Chesty looks off camera, where a Producer has been trying to get her attention.
Chesty: “What?”
Producer: “It’s Steward.”
Chesty: “Like duh… that’s totally what I said.”
Producer: “No… you said “Stewart”.”
Chesty: “What did you say again?”
Producer: ““Steward” with a D at the end.”
Chesty immediately looks offended.
Chesty: “Are you coming onto me? Because that’s totally unprofessional! Just because I got this job by sleeping with the owner doesn’t mean I’m…”
Producer: “What!? No! I’m not coming onto you!”
Chesty: “Oh…”
She thinks about it for a minute.
Chesty: “Well… why not?”
Producer: “Because I’m married?”
Chesty scoffs, almost laughing a bit as she nods her head.
Chesty: “Right… like THAT’S ever stopped a man from coming onto me before.”
Producer: “Whatever… just… turn back to the camera! We’re live!”
Chesty: “Yes. I know we’re alive.”
Producer: “No, not alive. Live! We’re live!”
She looks back to the camera, quickly realizing what the Producer meant and turning back to face it directly. But alas, her confusion persists and she whisper-shouts off-camera once again.
Chesty: “What do I do?”
Producer: “Just read the prompter under the camera.”
Chesty: “Oh yeah!”
She clears her throat and begins to speak with the confidence of an evening news anchor in a standard mid-sized market. Of course, that was completely unnecessary, because KNN wasn’t in a mid-sized market. It was a news station marketed to followers of KABLAM, with the sole intention of keeping them informed of all that Derek Adonis might want them to know. It would also have a cooking show, because deep in his heart, Adonis loved the work of Ina Garten.
Chesty: “While authorities were mum on why they approached Man Mountain with this highly-confidential, super-secret investigation, KNN can exclusively confirm that Mr. Adonis is NOT a felon, nor was he suspected of such! Which is a big relief, because if he was, we would all have to go and find real jobs, right Ephraim?”
She looks to the off-camera area again, looking around for the Producer - whose name we now know is “Ephraim” - once more.
Chesty: “What are you doing now?”
Ephraim: “Updating my resume…”
Chesty: “Oh… cool?”
She looks back into the camera.
Chesty: “This has been a KNN update! Stay tuned for KABLAMasutra: Movie Theatre Mingling! Ooooh! Sounds like fun!”
Chesty begins to bounce happily - for her and for the heterosexual male audiences watching around the world. The scene shifts away…
----------
WHERE WE LEFT OFF…
Derek Adonis awakens from his slumber alone. Cookie hadn’t returned from her night out with Manvel, which Derek basically expected given their… *ahem*… “understanding”. Chastity had taken young Ulysses Superman home after a brief but frank conversation during which Derek explained said “understanding”, probably offered her a round two, only to be shot down. After calling a few contacts for KABLAMasutra: The TV Series season two, he got some sleep an that was that.
Until there was a knock on the door.
Derek hobbled out of bed clumsily, making his way towards his front door. Stepping to the peep hole, he spots two officers outside the door. Looking down, he hastily closes his housecoat, desperate not to show his pride to the male officers, before opening up.
Adonis: “Y’ello?”
Officer 1: “Are you Derek Marchetti?”
Adonis nods, confirming this.
Adonis: “Yeah… but most people call me…”
Officer 2: “It’s not important what most people call you.”
Officer 1: “My colleague is correct, Mr. Marchetti. You were listed as the emergency contact for a Mr. … “Jeff-rey”?
Adonis: “Jeff-rey! Yeah… hell of a guy. He used to work for me apparently. I thought he still did until he called me a few weeks ago and told me he quit last year. Boy was I embarrassed.”
Derek begins to laugh, but looks to the officers, who have stone-faces.
Adonis: “What’s up?”
Officer 1: “We’ve been investigating Mr. Jeff-rey for the last 18 months. We believe he’s involved in some high-level criminal enterprises.”
The news sends shockwaves through Adonis. Jeff-rey? HIS Jeff-rey? It didn’t seem possible.
Adonis: “That’s not possible.”
Officer 2: “We need to ask you a few questions… may we come in?”
Derek nods his head, stepping back from the door as the officers enter. They step through the door, looking around the area for any clues… anything that may be of service to them. Meanwhile, Derek continues to stare ahead blankly, not sure what to make of everything. Jeff-rey? HIS Jeff-rey? He had always seemed to be so loyal and competent. Could he really be a hardened criminal? That’s the question that the officers were coming for… but now Derek wanted answers to.
Officer 1: “Have you noticed any unusual activity pertaining to your financial accounts?”
Adonis: “Unusual activity? Like what?”
Officer 2: “Purchases you don’t remember making. A sudden unavailability of funds.”
Adonis: “I don’t usually take care of my money. Jeff-rey…”
The officers both look at Adonis, knowing exactly what he was about to say.
Officer 1: “Mr. Marchetti, we’re going to need to review the last twelve months of bank records for you.”
Adonis: “Okay… but I don’t know what you’ll be able to find.”
Officer 2: “Transaction records that will hopefully be able to lead us to a proper destination centering on this laundering ring…”
Adonis: “Like a laundromat?”
The officers both take a moment to stare at him blankly, completely incredulous of the fact that someone as wealthy as Derek Adonis was so ignorant to the realities of money laundering.
Officer 1: “No… not like a laundromat. Like someone actually illegally funnelling your money and the money of thousands of other people and…”
Officer 2: “Done.”
The first officer and Derek both look to that officer, who had apparently run the check on Man-Mountain’s accounts.
Officer 1: “That was fast.”
Adonis: “Nothing “fast” happens here… KABL…”
Officer 2: “Outside of an excessive amount of money spent at Tight Teddy’s…”
The officers both look to Adonis, raising an eyebrow apiece. In a sense, if they were one person, both eyebrows would be raised. Derek nods.
Adonis: “The Mrs.”
Officer 2: “I’m seeing nothing out of the ordinary. But Mr. Marchetti, we would like to take a deeper look into your records to see if there are deeper abnormalities.”
Adonis: “Yeah… whatev. Whatever we can do to help Jeff-rey.”
The officers again look to each other. It was becoming more and more evident that Derek Adonis didn't actually comprehend the gravity of the situation… when did he ever?
Officer 1: “Mr. Marchetti… Jeff-rey is facing a litany of accusations. If they're founded, he'll be spending the rest of his life in prison.”
Officer 2: “This isn't a fishing expedition. We have credible evidence that directly implicates him in organized crime. We're trying to determine whether or not you're a victim here.”
Adonis: “Oh.”
Officer 1: “Now, you said you’ve had contact with him recently?”
Adonis: “Yeah… I could show you.”
Officer 2: “You have a file we can download?”
Adonis: “Well, no. I have it on my security cameras though.”
The officers are again left dumbfounded.
Officer 1: “You have security cameras?”
Adonis: “In today’s troubling times of men getting accused of inappropriate activity, I found it in my best interests to be prepared.”
Officer 2: “But…”
Adonis: “I understand that a man with as voracious an appetite for the ladies as I have may be targeted by people I once entertained for improprieties, so I had cameras installed to protect myself.”
Officer 1: “You know it’s illegal to record people without their consent, right?”
Derek reaches off to a file kept near his dining room table, sliding it across to the officers.
Adonis: “I have all of my lady friends sign a waiver of consent permitting them to be recorded.”
The second officer snatches the form out of the first officer’s hands.
Officer 2: “And that works?”
Adonis: “In addition to being a businessman, I am a legal notary public. Everything is on the books and on the level.”
Officer 1: “Okay… well, you’ll have to get us that tape then.”
Adonis: “Just a minute.”
Adonis excuses himself from the table, heading off to his master storage room to find the tape featuring his conversation with Jeff-rey. As he does, the officers share some suspicions…
Officer 1: “You don’t think Mr. Marchetti could be involved in this, do you?”
Officer 2: “He’s not a victim, that’s for sure. Stranger things have happened.”
Officer 1: “He seems a little too well covered, like he has an answer for everything, even if he seems blatantly ignorant to the whole thing. Almost too neat.”
Officer 2: “Right. Should we take him in?”
Officer 1: “No… we need to dig around. But this could be the lynchpin that blows this whole case open.”
Before they can further confer their plan, Adonis returns with the tape. He hands it off to the first officer and smiles.
Adonis: “That should have my most recent conversation with Jeff-rey included. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
Officer 1: “No, Mr. Marchetti… you’ve done quite enough. Thank you for your time.”
Officer 2: “We’ll be in touch as our investigation moves forward.”
Adonis: “Good… good…”
The officers step through the door, closing it behind them as Derek watches them go. His jovial smile turns to a concerned frown. The scene shifts.
----------
The scene re-opens with the KNN logo, and Chesty LaRue, now with another button undone on her tight-fit top, sitting behind the desk. Her hair, which had been previously tied back, is now loosely tied back as she looks into the camera, wiping a small excess of lipstick from the corner of her mouth with her thumb before she continues.
Chesty: “Hi! I’m Chesty LaRue for the KABLAM News Network! In an update to today’s top story… the manliest mountain of man, Derek Adonis, has been cleared of any suspicion in the alleged financial misgivings that police officers were investigating for prior. But if you know the whereabouts of a Mr. Jeffrey…”
Ephraim: “That’s “Jeff-rey”.”
Frustrated, Chesty slams her script down on the desk in front of her.
Chesty: “Really? We’re going to do this again? Didn’t we already do the name bit?”
Ephraim: “Yes, but for legal proceedings, it’s important to be factual. No one knows a “Mr. Jeffrey”. That’s just ridiculous. It’s “Jeff-rey”, with added emphasis on the dash.”
She rolls her eyes, not that you were looking at her eyes anyway. I’m onto you, reader.
Chesty: “Fine. If you know the whereabouts of Mr. Jeff-rey, please contact the police or your local KNN affiliate! We now return you to our previously scheduled show, “KABLAM: The Theme Park - Making of Amusement”.”
She blows a kiss to the camera - not that you were looking at her lips. Pervert. The scene fades...
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DECEMBER 5, 2018
11 PM
The scene opens up backstage following SCW Breakdown in Little Rock. While everyone else is talking about the propensity for group warfare displayed by Dark Fantasy, the Beauty Network, and the apparent group of “good guys”, that is not what rests upon the mind of Man-Mountain, Derek Adonis, the SCW Champion of Television. No, his mind has found an entirely different avenue, and right now he finds himself walking through the backstage area with Cookie as they search out someone… someone specific.
Todd Phillips was caught completely unaware.
Adonis: “Toddy! Get over here ya big lug!”
The longtime SCW ring announcer has never been a part of the SCW social circle. Outside of maybe having a podcast that he never invites Derek on, no one really associates with him, which has been exactly the way he’s liked it in his decade-plus of employment. So to be approached by the vivacious Cookie Dreams, who throws her arms around his shoulders, pressing her ample chest into his leaving him uncomfortable… well… let’s say he didn’t know to react. And then to be called “Toddy”...
Phillips: “Can… can I help you?”
Adonis: “Can you help me? Toddy, you perform a valuable service to the MILLIONS…”
Derek pauses, as though an imaginary crowd inside his mind echos him with “AND MILLIONS”. Of course, nothing happens, and Derek just looks foolish.
Adonis: “...of SCW fans every week. Why, if it weren’t for you, how would anyone know who was coming to the ring? Especially those poor saps in the 500 level crammed into their seats to whom we look like a bunch of ants.”
Phillips: “I imagine your music would help.”
Derek pauses before shaking his head and smacking it in the back.
Adonis: “Of course there’s our music… did you remember our music, Cookie?”
Cookie: “I like our music! It’s all horny…”
Adonis: “Yes, there are a lot of horns in it. But Todd… I don’t think anyone has ever told you how much we in the locker-room truly appreciate what you do. In fact… do you want to go out and celebrate with Cookie, Manvel and I?”
Phillips: “Celebrate? What are you celebrating?”
Derek can almost not believe the question he was asked. Cookie opens her mouth with a shocked expression (Mind. Gutter. Come on, people).
Adonis: “What are we…? You were there, Toddy. Earlier tonight. When I defeated a former SCW World Champion… one of the most decorated superstars in SCW history. I mean yeah… Katie ain’t a Supreme Champion, but we shouldn’t hold that against her. She’s a Goddess... Ask TJ Johnson…”
At that moment, TJ Johnson walks by. He doesn’t stop to address Adonis, but kind of does a drive by heckle…
Johnson: “You may have won tonight, Adonis! But...”
And he exits the scene. Sure, he probably finished some kind of threat after “But”, but Derek wasn’t paying attention to him in the first place.
Adonis: “And I think that is something worth celebrating! And you’re going to come because you had an integral part in that?”
Phillips: “I did?”
Cookie: “You did!”
Adonis: “Again - how would the people have heard that I won had you not informed them. Don’t undervalue yourself, Toddy. You’re so much better than that.”
Phillips: “Oh… okay? I guess I can spare an hour or so.”
Adonis shakes his head.
Adonis: “Not enough. When we celebrate, we celebrate into the wee hours of the morning! I mean, not all celebrating is for audiences IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”
Phillips: “I do…”
Cookie: “KABLAM!”
Derek clutches his chest.
Adonis: “God! I love when she says that! But before we go, Toddy… there’s one thing I feel I should bring up to you. A little bit of constructive criticism. Can I do that?”
Todd looks to Derek, then to Cookie, and nods his head.
Phillips: “Okay? Sure?”
Adonis: “When you introduced me tonight… you introduced me as the SCW Television Champion.”
Phillips: “Yeah. And?”
Derek tries to assuage Todd’s concerns.
Adonis: “And that’s great. I mean, technically I am the SCW “Television Champion”.”
Phillips: “More than “technically”. You won the title. I was there, remember? London?”
Adonis: “Ah, yes… London. Good times. Cookie and I wore Union Jack clothing. Which reminds me, we should look into American clothing for DC.”
Cookie nods, writing the note on her hand in Sharpie.
Phillips: “So, I’m confused. What is your criticism, exactly?”
Adonis: “Well… it’s like this. See, I have been talking about myself as the SCW Champion of Television. It’s a silly change, but one that I feel helps distinguish me from past Television Champions. Do you understand?”
Phillips: “And you want me to officially announce you as “SCW Champion of Television”?”
Derek pats Todd on the shoulders as he looks over to Cookie.
Adonis: “See? I knew Toddy would know what’s up!”
Phillips: “Well, I can’t exactly go into business for myself like that. I will have to bring it up with the higher ups, but if the board or Mr. D greenlight it… then that shouldn’t be a problem.”
Derek clasps his hands together, a big smile on his face.
Adonis: “You… you are a good man, Toddy. Now let’s get out of here… we’re going to get you laid!”
Phillips: “I… I’m already married.”
Derek laughs.
Adonis: “Yeah… okay!”
He continues laughing as he and Cookie push Todd down the hallway, exiting the arena as the scene fades.
----------
The KNN Logo returns again, and again we find Chesty LaRue sitting behind the desk, appearing more disheveled, with her hair pulled out of it’s tie and flowing freely and her shirt buttoned up unevenly. It’s an OCD nightmare, but a KABLAM dream come true.
Chesty: “How do I look? Good?”
She turns to the camera, with a BREAKING NEWS inset flashing over her shoulder.
Chesty: “Chesty LaRue for the KABLAM News Network and we have some BREAKING NEWS here! We at KABLAM News Network have just received what we’re told is the studliest stud who’s ever studded Derek Adonis’ latest promo video for an upcoming match in Supreme Championship Wrestling! Let’s watch now! And ladies… keep your hands ABOVE the table. I know mine will be… WINK!”
She winks obnoxiously as the inset emblem indicating BREAKING NEWS zooms right into the camera. On the other side, we can see Derek Adonis sitting upon a heart-shaped bed, dressed in his very best purple silk jammies. Of course, he has an added accessory for bedtime - no, not Cookie Dreams. She’s not in the scene yet. What I mean is the SCW Championship of Television! The belt which he has wrapped around his waist shines impressively in Derek’s mood lighting…
Adonis: “Hi world… it is I, Man-Mountain, the KABLAMperor of the KABLAMpire… purveyor of such classics as KABLAMasutra: The Movie, KABLAMAsutra: The TV Series, and coming soon… KABLAMasutra: The Movie: The TV Series. It’s going to be great! We’re taking the story of the movie and expanding it in an hour-long television series. No, we’re not airing opposite your favourite shows, but we are going to be seeking out some good airtimes. I’ll keep you updated on that through the news feature on your KABLAMinder. But tonight, what I wanted to talk about was this…”
Derek reaches down and, in a moment of mercy, doesn’t go as far as his crotch. Instead, he pats the title belt wrapped around his waist securely through the use of extenders.
Adonis: “I am still your SCW Champion of Television. This is a heavy responsibility, you know? And now, with my victory last week against the GODDESS… who really DID put her hands all over me… this reign has outlasted my previous one! Isn’t that amazing? Who would have thought that a man like me would be so successful at this. Well, I’ll tell you who: Me. Through my development and institution of KABLAMaerobics, I’ve evolved like a Pokemon, but instead of changing my form, I have just become stronger and more capable in EVERYTHING I do… ladies?”
He winks at the ladies.
Adonis: “I mean, I was a lady’s man before KABLAMaerobics, but now? I could keep up with any of those schmucks you see on your adult links easily. And more than that, but because I have the experience, I’m probably a wholly more-satisfying lover than those guys. I may not be an acrobat… there’ll be no KABLAM acrobatics anytime soon…”
Derek begins to trail off…
Adonis: “Where was I?”
...before finding where he was before he trailed off.
Adonis: “Right! Since becoming Champion of Television, I have aimed to show that I can make this belt look GOOD! And how better can you make the belt look than around the waist of MAN-MOUNTAIN! KABLAM!”
He stands up, unbuttoning his top and sliding it off. Instantly, the belt looks better than what it’s surrounded by.
Adonis: “Becoming Champion of Television has led to some big things IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (I mean my penis), but it’s also given me the chance to expand my business ventures. Since winning this Championship, KABLAMinder downloads have doubled in rate, KABLAMaerobics has picked up a large number of new believers and active participants, and everything in my KABLAMpire has grown firmer and more solid! It just goes to show what happens with some TLC… no, not the wrestling match. Get your mind in the gutter! With some tender loving care and the SCW Championship of Television, I have experienced growth like you have NEVER thought possible!”
Derek winks, again indicating that he is referring to his genitals.
Adonis: “But because I am a firm believer in opportunity, I am always interested in expanding my reach… taking a hold of the brass ring or something like that... I would like to invite you, dear viewer, to watch SCW Breakdown this week to see results. I can sit here and slide my pants off…”
Oh… oh God! Derek actually does this, meaning he is sitting on the bed wearing only the belt and some shiny leopard-print underwear.
Adonis: “...and tell you about how great KABLAMaerobics is, but you’re not interested in listening to me. No… you want proof. You want evidence that what I am telling you is on the level, and apparently the fact that I, Derek Adonis, Man-Mountain, The Lady’s Man’s Man, sit before you as the SCW Champion of Television in the midst of a one-month reign isn’t enough. So here’s what I’ll do. My wife, Cookie, is currently in the other room getting ready, and if you are interested in sticking around long enough, I’ll show you the kind of endurance, flexibility, and stamina that can come from committing to KABLAMaerobics. But I know there are some people out there who are a little too prudish for that… who feel that I’m some kind of miscreant personality and don’t want to see Man-Mountain involved in any sweet, sweet love, so I’m going to issue you an invitation.”
Derek sits forward, pressing the belt down with his body over the underwear to the point it looks absent. Thank God the belt is there, right?
Adonis: “This week live from Washington DC, I will be defending the SCW Championship of Television against Max Kane. Max, like I did before him, earned his Championship opportunity by winning a qualifier to get here, and he is going to look to follow in my footsteps and claim the Championship for himself, and I admire that. I really do… to scratch and claw, throw yourself into every opportunity regardless of the risk… that reminds me of a young Derek Adonis. Sure… when I was doing it at his age, it wasn’t dangerous wrestlers I was throwing myself at more than it was dangerous ladies IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…”
We don’t.
Adonis: “I mean like… you never really know if the one you pick up is going to leave you a present in the form of an itch later.”
Oh.
Adonis: “But the thing is, all ye who doubt the effectiveness of KABLAMaerobics… if you haven’t yet seen what I can do with it guiding me, then you need only watch me in the ring and your eyes will be opened! KABLAMaerobics is the way of the future! Soon, I could see everyone following it soon enough. For Max Kane, it’s not going to be an opportunity lost… it’s going to be an opportunity to learn, because he… like Katie Steward a week ago, like Konrad Raab a month ago… he is going to get a first-hand look at what KABLAMaerobics is all about! You shouldn’t feel bad for Max Kane. You should be jealous that he is going to get to see what KABLAMaerobics is! And there can be no greater gift than that… except…”
Cookie strides into the room, dressed in negligee that is maybe two-sizes too small, sliding onto the bed behind Adonis.
Adonis: “Now, for the rest of you… take a good, long, hard look at what KABLAMaerobics can do…”
He reaches back, for the clasp of the Championship belt, but Cookie stops him, moving his hand forward. She moves to his head and, after briefly biting his ear, whispers into his ear.
Cookie: “Keep the belt on.”
Derek smiles impishly, looking to the camera…
Adonis: “KABLAM!”
The scene cuts away from this amorous scene, breaking Derek’s promise of voyeurism. We return to the desk where Chesty LaRue can be seen fanning herself with her script.
Chesty: “If you’re interested in watching more, you will have to tune in to KNN After Dark. Full, uncensored video will also be available to subscribers of KNN’s web portal. So sign up today… you don’t want to miss this. I know I won’t! For KNN, I’m Chesty LaRue! Goodnight folks!”
She waves to the camera as the scene fades away...
----------
ELSEWHERE...
A woman paces around the washroom… we can only assume that it’s a woman due to the slender and shaven legs and pedicured feet. We don’t know anything about the woman. We don’t know who she is, or even where she is. All we know is that she is nervous - her pacing is enough to give that away. But, as a fly on the wall, we’re not interested in moving higher or identifying a person. We’re interested in surviving, and maybe bouncing off that light in the ceiling.
Finally, the pacing stops. Can’t quite tell why at this point, but we’re sure it’s nothing. Maybe the woman is finally settling her nerves and getting ready to face the day. Is it day? Again, with our attention solely on the light in the ceiling, we don’t know. It might be though. In fact, let’s pretend that it is.
Voice: “No…”
The woman becomes agitated by something…
Voice: “Oh no…”
Increasingly so.
Voice: “No… no… FUCK!”
She drops something to the floor. Lucky for us, we’re right beside it. Isn’t that convenient? But what we can see is something that doesn’t look familiar to us. It’s a stick…
With two blue lines. Que?
ORANGE indicates spoken dialogue
RED indicates items recorded and available for public consumption
BLUE indicates items not recorded or available for public consumption
The scene opens up with an unknown logo - KNN. After some 90’s-esque news reel music plays, we come to a state of the art news production studio where a well-endowed woman in a low-cut top can be seen sitting behind a desk. This buxom brunette, who must have paid a small fortune for her marketable assets, looks into the camera…
Woman: “Hi! I’m Chesty LaRue for the KABLAM News Network!”
Of course…
Chesty: “Today’s top story… KABLAMperor Supreme and all-around hunk of a man, Derek Adonis, was visited by local authorities at his home prior to his Championship of Television defense against Katie Stewart…”
Producer: “Psst…”
Chesty looks off camera, where a Producer has been trying to get her attention.
Chesty: “What?”
Producer: “It’s Steward.”
Chesty: “Like duh… that’s totally what I said.”
Producer: “No… you said “Stewart”.”
Chesty: “What did you say again?”
Producer: ““Steward” with a D at the end.”
Chesty immediately looks offended.
Chesty: “Are you coming onto me? Because that’s totally unprofessional! Just because I got this job by sleeping with the owner doesn’t mean I’m…”
Producer: “What!? No! I’m not coming onto you!”
Chesty: “Oh…”
She thinks about it for a minute.
Chesty: “Well… why not?”
Producer: “Because I’m married?”
Chesty scoffs, almost laughing a bit as she nods her head.
Chesty: “Right… like THAT’S ever stopped a man from coming onto me before.”
Producer: “Whatever… just… turn back to the camera! We’re live!”
Chesty: “Yes. I know we’re alive.”
Producer: “No, not alive. Live! We’re live!”
She looks back to the camera, quickly realizing what the Producer meant and turning back to face it directly. But alas, her confusion persists and she whisper-shouts off-camera once again.
Chesty: “What do I do?”
Producer: “Just read the prompter under the camera.”
Chesty: “Oh yeah!”
She clears her throat and begins to speak with the confidence of an evening news anchor in a standard mid-sized market. Of course, that was completely unnecessary, because KNN wasn’t in a mid-sized market. It was a news station marketed to followers of KABLAM, with the sole intention of keeping them informed of all that Derek Adonis might want them to know. It would also have a cooking show, because deep in his heart, Adonis loved the work of Ina Garten.
Chesty: “While authorities were mum on why they approached Man Mountain with this highly-confidential, super-secret investigation, KNN can exclusively confirm that Mr. Adonis is NOT a felon, nor was he suspected of such! Which is a big relief, because if he was, we would all have to go and find real jobs, right Ephraim?”
She looks to the off-camera area again, looking around for the Producer - whose name we now know is “Ephraim” - once more.
Chesty: “What are you doing now?”
Ephraim: “Updating my resume…”
Chesty: “Oh… cool?”
She looks back into the camera.
Chesty: “This has been a KNN update! Stay tuned for KABLAMasutra: Movie Theatre Mingling! Ooooh! Sounds like fun!”
Chesty begins to bounce happily - for her and for the heterosexual male audiences watching around the world. The scene shifts away…
----------
WHERE WE LEFT OFF…
Derek Adonis awakens from his slumber alone. Cookie hadn’t returned from her night out with Manvel, which Derek basically expected given their… *ahem*… “understanding”. Chastity had taken young Ulysses Superman home after a brief but frank conversation during which Derek explained said “understanding”, probably offered her a round two, only to be shot down. After calling a few contacts for KABLAMasutra: The TV Series season two, he got some sleep an that was that.
Until there was a knock on the door.
Derek hobbled out of bed clumsily, making his way towards his front door. Stepping to the peep hole, he spots two officers outside the door. Looking down, he hastily closes his housecoat, desperate not to show his pride to the male officers, before opening up.
Adonis: “Y’ello?”
Officer 1: “Are you Derek Marchetti?”
Adonis nods, confirming this.
Adonis: “Yeah… but most people call me…”
Officer 2: “It’s not important what most people call you.”
Officer 1: “My colleague is correct, Mr. Marchetti. You were listed as the emergency contact for a Mr. … “Jeff-rey”?
Adonis: “Jeff-rey! Yeah… hell of a guy. He used to work for me apparently. I thought he still did until he called me a few weeks ago and told me he quit last year. Boy was I embarrassed.”
Derek begins to laugh, but looks to the officers, who have stone-faces.
Adonis: “What’s up?”
Officer 1: “We’ve been investigating Mr. Jeff-rey for the last 18 months. We believe he’s involved in some high-level criminal enterprises.”
The news sends shockwaves through Adonis. Jeff-rey? HIS Jeff-rey? It didn’t seem possible.
Adonis: “That’s not possible.”
Officer 2: “We need to ask you a few questions… may we come in?”
Derek nods his head, stepping back from the door as the officers enter. They step through the door, looking around the area for any clues… anything that may be of service to them. Meanwhile, Derek continues to stare ahead blankly, not sure what to make of everything. Jeff-rey? HIS Jeff-rey? He had always seemed to be so loyal and competent. Could he really be a hardened criminal? That’s the question that the officers were coming for… but now Derek wanted answers to.
Officer 1: “Have you noticed any unusual activity pertaining to your financial accounts?”
Adonis: “Unusual activity? Like what?”
Officer 2: “Purchases you don’t remember making. A sudden unavailability of funds.”
Adonis: “I don’t usually take care of my money. Jeff-rey…”
The officers both look at Adonis, knowing exactly what he was about to say.
Officer 1: “Mr. Marchetti, we’re going to need to review the last twelve months of bank records for you.”
Adonis: “Okay… but I don’t know what you’ll be able to find.”
Officer 2: “Transaction records that will hopefully be able to lead us to a proper destination centering on this laundering ring…”
Adonis: “Like a laundromat?”
The officers both take a moment to stare at him blankly, completely incredulous of the fact that someone as wealthy as Derek Adonis was so ignorant to the realities of money laundering.
Officer 1: “No… not like a laundromat. Like someone actually illegally funnelling your money and the money of thousands of other people and…”
Officer 2: “Done.”
The first officer and Derek both look to that officer, who had apparently run the check on Man-Mountain’s accounts.
Officer 1: “That was fast.”
Adonis: “Nothing “fast” happens here… KABL…”
Officer 2: “Outside of an excessive amount of money spent at Tight Teddy’s…”
The officers both look to Adonis, raising an eyebrow apiece. In a sense, if they were one person, both eyebrows would be raised. Derek nods.
Adonis: “The Mrs.”
Officer 2: “I’m seeing nothing out of the ordinary. But Mr. Marchetti, we would like to take a deeper look into your records to see if there are deeper abnormalities.”
Adonis: “Yeah… whatev. Whatever we can do to help Jeff-rey.”
The officers again look to each other. It was becoming more and more evident that Derek Adonis didn't actually comprehend the gravity of the situation… when did he ever?
Officer 1: “Mr. Marchetti… Jeff-rey is facing a litany of accusations. If they're founded, he'll be spending the rest of his life in prison.”
Officer 2: “This isn't a fishing expedition. We have credible evidence that directly implicates him in organized crime. We're trying to determine whether or not you're a victim here.”
Adonis: “Oh.”
Officer 1: “Now, you said you’ve had contact with him recently?”
Adonis: “Yeah… I could show you.”
Officer 2: “You have a file we can download?”
Adonis: “Well, no. I have it on my security cameras though.”
The officers are again left dumbfounded.
Officer 1: “You have security cameras?”
Adonis: “In today’s troubling times of men getting accused of inappropriate activity, I found it in my best interests to be prepared.”
Officer 2: “But…”
Adonis: “I understand that a man with as voracious an appetite for the ladies as I have may be targeted by people I once entertained for improprieties, so I had cameras installed to protect myself.”
Officer 1: “You know it’s illegal to record people without their consent, right?”
Derek reaches off to a file kept near his dining room table, sliding it across to the officers.
Adonis: “I have all of my lady friends sign a waiver of consent permitting them to be recorded.”
The second officer snatches the form out of the first officer’s hands.
Officer 2: “And that works?”
Adonis: “In addition to being a businessman, I am a legal notary public. Everything is on the books and on the level.”
Officer 1: “Okay… well, you’ll have to get us that tape then.”
Adonis: “Just a minute.”
Adonis excuses himself from the table, heading off to his master storage room to find the tape featuring his conversation with Jeff-rey. As he does, the officers share some suspicions…
Officer 1: “You don’t think Mr. Marchetti could be involved in this, do you?”
Officer 2: “He’s not a victim, that’s for sure. Stranger things have happened.”
Officer 1: “He seems a little too well covered, like he has an answer for everything, even if he seems blatantly ignorant to the whole thing. Almost too neat.”
Officer 2: “Right. Should we take him in?”
Officer 1: “No… we need to dig around. But this could be the lynchpin that blows this whole case open.”
Before they can further confer their plan, Adonis returns with the tape. He hands it off to the first officer and smiles.
Adonis: “That should have my most recent conversation with Jeff-rey included. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
Officer 1: “No, Mr. Marchetti… you’ve done quite enough. Thank you for your time.”
Officer 2: “We’ll be in touch as our investigation moves forward.”
Adonis: “Good… good…”
The officers step through the door, closing it behind them as Derek watches them go. His jovial smile turns to a concerned frown. The scene shifts.
----------
The scene re-opens with the KNN logo, and Chesty LaRue, now with another button undone on her tight-fit top, sitting behind the desk. Her hair, which had been previously tied back, is now loosely tied back as she looks into the camera, wiping a small excess of lipstick from the corner of her mouth with her thumb before she continues.
Chesty: “Hi! I’m Chesty LaRue for the KABLAM News Network! In an update to today’s top story… the manliest mountain of man, Derek Adonis, has been cleared of any suspicion in the alleged financial misgivings that police officers were investigating for prior. But if you know the whereabouts of a Mr. Jeffrey…”
Ephraim: “That’s “Jeff-rey”.”
Frustrated, Chesty slams her script down on the desk in front of her.
Chesty: “Really? We’re going to do this again? Didn’t we already do the name bit?”
Ephraim: “Yes, but for legal proceedings, it’s important to be factual. No one knows a “Mr. Jeffrey”. That’s just ridiculous. It’s “Jeff-rey”, with added emphasis on the dash.”
She rolls her eyes, not that you were looking at her eyes anyway. I’m onto you, reader.
Chesty: “Fine. If you know the whereabouts of Mr. Jeff-rey, please contact the police or your local KNN affiliate! We now return you to our previously scheduled show, “KABLAM: The Theme Park - Making of Amusement”.”
She blows a kiss to the camera - not that you were looking at her lips. Pervert. The scene fades...
----------
DECEMBER 5, 2018
11 PM
The scene opens up backstage following SCW Breakdown in Little Rock. While everyone else is talking about the propensity for group warfare displayed by Dark Fantasy, the Beauty Network, and the apparent group of “good guys”, that is not what rests upon the mind of Man-Mountain, Derek Adonis, the SCW Champion of Television. No, his mind has found an entirely different avenue, and right now he finds himself walking through the backstage area with Cookie as they search out someone… someone specific.
Todd Phillips was caught completely unaware.
Adonis: “Toddy! Get over here ya big lug!”
The longtime SCW ring announcer has never been a part of the SCW social circle. Outside of maybe having a podcast that he never invites Derek on, no one really associates with him, which has been exactly the way he’s liked it in his decade-plus of employment. So to be approached by the vivacious Cookie Dreams, who throws her arms around his shoulders, pressing her ample chest into his leaving him uncomfortable… well… let’s say he didn’t know to react. And then to be called “Toddy”...
Phillips: “Can… can I help you?”
Adonis: “Can you help me? Toddy, you perform a valuable service to the MILLIONS…”
Derek pauses, as though an imaginary crowd inside his mind echos him with “AND MILLIONS”. Of course, nothing happens, and Derek just looks foolish.
Adonis: “...of SCW fans every week. Why, if it weren’t for you, how would anyone know who was coming to the ring? Especially those poor saps in the 500 level crammed into their seats to whom we look like a bunch of ants.”
Phillips: “I imagine your music would help.”
Derek pauses before shaking his head and smacking it in the back.
Adonis: “Of course there’s our music… did you remember our music, Cookie?”
Cookie: “I like our music! It’s all horny…”
Adonis: “Yes, there are a lot of horns in it. But Todd… I don’t think anyone has ever told you how much we in the locker-room truly appreciate what you do. In fact… do you want to go out and celebrate with Cookie, Manvel and I?”
Phillips: “Celebrate? What are you celebrating?”
Derek can almost not believe the question he was asked. Cookie opens her mouth with a shocked expression (Mind. Gutter. Come on, people).
Adonis: “What are we…? You were there, Toddy. Earlier tonight. When I defeated a former SCW World Champion… one of the most decorated superstars in SCW history. I mean yeah… Katie ain’t a Supreme Champion, but we shouldn’t hold that against her. She’s a Goddess... Ask TJ Johnson…”
At that moment, TJ Johnson walks by. He doesn’t stop to address Adonis, but kind of does a drive by heckle…
Johnson: “You may have won tonight, Adonis! But...”
And he exits the scene. Sure, he probably finished some kind of threat after “But”, but Derek wasn’t paying attention to him in the first place.
Adonis: “And I think that is something worth celebrating! And you’re going to come because you had an integral part in that?”
Phillips: “I did?”
Cookie: “You did!”
Adonis: “Again - how would the people have heard that I won had you not informed them. Don’t undervalue yourself, Toddy. You’re so much better than that.”
Phillips: “Oh… okay? I guess I can spare an hour or so.”
Adonis shakes his head.
Adonis: “Not enough. When we celebrate, we celebrate into the wee hours of the morning! I mean, not all celebrating is for audiences IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”
Phillips: “I do…”
Cookie: “KABLAM!”
Derek clutches his chest.
Adonis: “God! I love when she says that! But before we go, Toddy… there’s one thing I feel I should bring up to you. A little bit of constructive criticism. Can I do that?”
Todd looks to Derek, then to Cookie, and nods his head.
Phillips: “Okay? Sure?”
Adonis: “When you introduced me tonight… you introduced me as the SCW Television Champion.”
Phillips: “Yeah. And?”
Derek tries to assuage Todd’s concerns.
Adonis: “And that’s great. I mean, technically I am the SCW “Television Champion”.”
Phillips: “More than “technically”. You won the title. I was there, remember? London?”
Adonis: “Ah, yes… London. Good times. Cookie and I wore Union Jack clothing. Which reminds me, we should look into American clothing for DC.”
Cookie nods, writing the note on her hand in Sharpie.
Phillips: “So, I’m confused. What is your criticism, exactly?”
Adonis: “Well… it’s like this. See, I have been talking about myself as the SCW Champion of Television. It’s a silly change, but one that I feel helps distinguish me from past Television Champions. Do you understand?”
Phillips: “And you want me to officially announce you as “SCW Champion of Television”?”
Derek pats Todd on the shoulders as he looks over to Cookie.
Adonis: “See? I knew Toddy would know what’s up!”
Phillips: “Well, I can’t exactly go into business for myself like that. I will have to bring it up with the higher ups, but if the board or Mr. D greenlight it… then that shouldn’t be a problem.”
Derek clasps his hands together, a big smile on his face.
Adonis: “You… you are a good man, Toddy. Now let’s get out of here… we’re going to get you laid!”
Phillips: “I… I’m already married.”
Derek laughs.
Adonis: “Yeah… okay!”
He continues laughing as he and Cookie push Todd down the hallway, exiting the arena as the scene fades.
----------
The KNN Logo returns again, and again we find Chesty LaRue sitting behind the desk, appearing more disheveled, with her hair pulled out of it’s tie and flowing freely and her shirt buttoned up unevenly. It’s an OCD nightmare, but a KABLAM dream come true.
Chesty: “How do I look? Good?”
She turns to the camera, with a BREAKING NEWS inset flashing over her shoulder.
Chesty: “Chesty LaRue for the KABLAM News Network and we have some BREAKING NEWS here! We at KABLAM News Network have just received what we’re told is the studliest stud who’s ever studded Derek Adonis’ latest promo video for an upcoming match in Supreme Championship Wrestling! Let’s watch now! And ladies… keep your hands ABOVE the table. I know mine will be… WINK!”
She winks obnoxiously as the inset emblem indicating BREAKING NEWS zooms right into the camera. On the other side, we can see Derek Adonis sitting upon a heart-shaped bed, dressed in his very best purple silk jammies. Of course, he has an added accessory for bedtime - no, not Cookie Dreams. She’s not in the scene yet. What I mean is the SCW Championship of Television! The belt which he has wrapped around his waist shines impressively in Derek’s mood lighting…
Adonis: “Hi world… it is I, Man-Mountain, the KABLAMperor of the KABLAMpire… purveyor of such classics as KABLAMasutra: The Movie, KABLAMAsutra: The TV Series, and coming soon… KABLAMasutra: The Movie: The TV Series. It’s going to be great! We’re taking the story of the movie and expanding it in an hour-long television series. No, we’re not airing opposite your favourite shows, but we are going to be seeking out some good airtimes. I’ll keep you updated on that through the news feature on your KABLAMinder. But tonight, what I wanted to talk about was this…”
Derek reaches down and, in a moment of mercy, doesn’t go as far as his crotch. Instead, he pats the title belt wrapped around his waist securely through the use of extenders.
Adonis: “I am still your SCW Champion of Television. This is a heavy responsibility, you know? And now, with my victory last week against the GODDESS… who really DID put her hands all over me… this reign has outlasted my previous one! Isn’t that amazing? Who would have thought that a man like me would be so successful at this. Well, I’ll tell you who: Me. Through my development and institution of KABLAMaerobics, I’ve evolved like a Pokemon, but instead of changing my form, I have just become stronger and more capable in EVERYTHING I do… ladies?”
He winks at the ladies.
Adonis: “I mean, I was a lady’s man before KABLAMaerobics, but now? I could keep up with any of those schmucks you see on your adult links easily. And more than that, but because I have the experience, I’m probably a wholly more-satisfying lover than those guys. I may not be an acrobat… there’ll be no KABLAM acrobatics anytime soon…”
Derek begins to trail off…
Adonis: “Where was I?”
...before finding where he was before he trailed off.
Adonis: “Right! Since becoming Champion of Television, I have aimed to show that I can make this belt look GOOD! And how better can you make the belt look than around the waist of MAN-MOUNTAIN! KABLAM!”
He stands up, unbuttoning his top and sliding it off. Instantly, the belt looks better than what it’s surrounded by.
Adonis: “Becoming Champion of Television has led to some big things IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (I mean my penis), but it’s also given me the chance to expand my business ventures. Since winning this Championship, KABLAMinder downloads have doubled in rate, KABLAMaerobics has picked up a large number of new believers and active participants, and everything in my KABLAMpire has grown firmer and more solid! It just goes to show what happens with some TLC… no, not the wrestling match. Get your mind in the gutter! With some tender loving care and the SCW Championship of Television, I have experienced growth like you have NEVER thought possible!”
Derek winks, again indicating that he is referring to his genitals.
Adonis: “But because I am a firm believer in opportunity, I am always interested in expanding my reach… taking a hold of the brass ring or something like that... I would like to invite you, dear viewer, to watch SCW Breakdown this week to see results. I can sit here and slide my pants off…”
Oh… oh God! Derek actually does this, meaning he is sitting on the bed wearing only the belt and some shiny leopard-print underwear.
Adonis: “...and tell you about how great KABLAMaerobics is, but you’re not interested in listening to me. No… you want proof. You want evidence that what I am telling you is on the level, and apparently the fact that I, Derek Adonis, Man-Mountain, The Lady’s Man’s Man, sit before you as the SCW Champion of Television in the midst of a one-month reign isn’t enough. So here’s what I’ll do. My wife, Cookie, is currently in the other room getting ready, and if you are interested in sticking around long enough, I’ll show you the kind of endurance, flexibility, and stamina that can come from committing to KABLAMaerobics. But I know there are some people out there who are a little too prudish for that… who feel that I’m some kind of miscreant personality and don’t want to see Man-Mountain involved in any sweet, sweet love, so I’m going to issue you an invitation.”
Derek sits forward, pressing the belt down with his body over the underwear to the point it looks absent. Thank God the belt is there, right?
Adonis: “This week live from Washington DC, I will be defending the SCW Championship of Television against Max Kane. Max, like I did before him, earned his Championship opportunity by winning a qualifier to get here, and he is going to look to follow in my footsteps and claim the Championship for himself, and I admire that. I really do… to scratch and claw, throw yourself into every opportunity regardless of the risk… that reminds me of a young Derek Adonis. Sure… when I was doing it at his age, it wasn’t dangerous wrestlers I was throwing myself at more than it was dangerous ladies IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…”
We don’t.
Adonis: “I mean like… you never really know if the one you pick up is going to leave you a present in the form of an itch later.”
Oh.
Adonis: “But the thing is, all ye who doubt the effectiveness of KABLAMaerobics… if you haven’t yet seen what I can do with it guiding me, then you need only watch me in the ring and your eyes will be opened! KABLAMaerobics is the way of the future! Soon, I could see everyone following it soon enough. For Max Kane, it’s not going to be an opportunity lost… it’s going to be an opportunity to learn, because he… like Katie Steward a week ago, like Konrad Raab a month ago… he is going to get a first-hand look at what KABLAMaerobics is all about! You shouldn’t feel bad for Max Kane. You should be jealous that he is going to get to see what KABLAMaerobics is! And there can be no greater gift than that… except…”
Cookie strides into the room, dressed in negligee that is maybe two-sizes too small, sliding onto the bed behind Adonis.
Adonis: “Now, for the rest of you… take a good, long, hard look at what KABLAMaerobics can do…”
He reaches back, for the clasp of the Championship belt, but Cookie stops him, moving his hand forward. She moves to his head and, after briefly biting his ear, whispers into his ear.
Cookie: “Keep the belt on.”
Derek smiles impishly, looking to the camera…
Adonis: “KABLAM!”
The scene cuts away from this amorous scene, breaking Derek’s promise of voyeurism. We return to the desk where Chesty LaRue can be seen fanning herself with her script.
Chesty: “If you’re interested in watching more, you will have to tune in to KNN After Dark. Full, uncensored video will also be available to subscribers of KNN’s web portal. So sign up today… you don’t want to miss this. I know I won’t! For KNN, I’m Chesty LaRue! Goodnight folks!”
She waves to the camera as the scene fades away...
----------
ELSEWHERE...
A woman paces around the washroom… we can only assume that it’s a woman due to the slender and shaven legs and pedicured feet. We don’t know anything about the woman. We don’t know who she is, or even where she is. All we know is that she is nervous - her pacing is enough to give that away. But, as a fly on the wall, we’re not interested in moving higher or identifying a person. We’re interested in surviving, and maybe bouncing off that light in the ceiling.
Finally, the pacing stops. Can’t quite tell why at this point, but we’re sure it’s nothing. Maybe the woman is finally settling her nerves and getting ready to face the day. Is it day? Again, with our attention solely on the light in the ceiling, we don’t know. It might be though. In fact, let’s pretend that it is.
Voice: “No…”
The woman becomes agitated by something…
Voice: “Oh no…”
Increasingly so.
Voice: “No… no… FUCK!”
She drops something to the floor. Lucky for us, we’re right beside it. Isn’t that convenient? But what we can see is something that doesn’t look familiar to us. It’s a stick…
With two blue lines. Que?