SCW Television Championship
Tommy Valentine vs. Derek Adonis
Tommy Valentine has had a bit of a mean streak and in his last match, he defeated one half of the Tag Team Champions. Apparently, that got someone’s attention (Sasha) who gave Tommy a shot at Derek Adonis and the SCW TV Champion. Can the KABLAMing champion keep his reign going?
Singles: 2 RP Limit; 2 RP Limit for Tag Team Matches
Deadline: Noon ET Tuesday, January 8, 2019
SUNNY DAYS
Derek Adonis: “So why am I doing this again?”
The scene opens up on a TV set, but not the one you might expect. Oh no… this isn’t the KABLAM News Network with Chesty LaRue. This isn’t KABLAMasutra: The TV Series, where Derek Adonis, the SCW Champion of Television interacts with a bevy of busy beauties “on the reg” (which, as Derek understands, is how the kids say “regularly” these days). This scene is a lot more…
Childish.
And so, Derek is wearing a G-rated outfit – his regular, brightly coloured suit, while in the presence of his baby-mama, Chastity Rose, who has their child, Ulysses Superman, propped up in his stroller. His eyes are wide as he sees the bright colours. Derek’s eyes, however, keep drifting south of the neck region on the woman who shared his bed once… once!... and prompted him to include Plan B in all of his KABLAM gift packs. As he looks around, he becomes strangely nervous.
Adonis: “This isn’t my usual type of set.”
Rose: “I know it’s not, but it’ll mean so much to Uly when he can look back in 2 or 3 years and understand that his father went onto Sesame Street.”
Yes, Man-Mountain, the KABLAMperor and capitalist superstar of SCW took the directions and found his way to the notoriously kid friendly set of Sesame Street where, soon, he would be interacting with all of your favourite muppets. Don’t have one? Tough! You’ll find one. Let’s assign Telly to you now. He doesn’t get enough respect anyway.
Adonis: “I still don’t know how anyone in the D-family managed to get me on here. I heard rumours of what happened the last time someone from SCW was on this show. It was…”
A Director approaches the scene.
Director: “We had to go to HBO to get enough money to rebuild Hooper’s Store, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Derek and Chastity turn to the Director. He reaches out his hand and shakes the young woman’s first. Derek stretches his hand out, a big, cheesy grin on his face. The Director hesitates.
Director: “Have you sanitized?”
Adonis: “I think s-…”
Director: “Because I’m well aware of what kind of industry you typically feed into, and I want to make absolutely certain I don’t catch anything.”
Derek laughs.
Adonis: “Don’t worry… you can’t get anything I have from a handshake.”
Director: “So you didn’t?”
Adonis: “No… no, I’m clean.”
Director: “Are you sure?”
Rose: “Yeah, you better…”
She looks around, covering her son’s ears before looking back to Adonis. But before she can cuss, she spots the children working on the set around and gets cold feet. Sighing, she removes her hands from Ulysses’ ears and stands up straight again.
Rose: “You better be clean.”
She was upset at having to censor herself, but would likely do even worse dealing with the controversy of being the first person kicked off the Sesame Street set in half a decade. Hesitantly, the Director shakes Adonis’ hand anyway.
Adonis: “So what happened last time?”
Director: “I was just a stagehand at the time, but I guess the guy they got had a complete mental breakdown and injured some of the puppets.”
Rose: “Even Telly?”
Director: “No… everyone loves Telly.”
The Director, Derek, and Chastity all look into the non-existent camera that permits you to “see” this scene in spite of it not being public… consider it a fourth-wall break. Because Telly’s awesome.
Director: “They gave him a script and he refused to follow it. Said he wasn’t the person to talk about non-violent solutions to conflicts or something. Like I said, I was just a stagehand, so at the time I was giving Slimy his mud bath.”
Derek nods, not finding it odd in the slightest that a human stagehand would be required to shove a puppet worm in some mud.
Adonis: “I had to do that once.”
Rose: “You did?”
Adonis: “Well, there was this woman, and “Slimy” was the nickname she gave to…”
Rose: “I… I don’t need to know.”
But Derek, never one to take being interrupted so kindly, just HAS to finish his thought.
Adonis: “…her vibrator.”
Rose: “Oh… then she used it?”
Adonis: “Repeatedly.”
Rose: “Ew.”
Director: “Ew.”
Adonis: “Right?”
Just then, a bell rings on set, signalling they were getting close to filming. Derek looks around, wondering what the hell that bell was.
Adonis: “Why does you bell sound like a recess bell?”
Director: “We like to give as much of an educational feel to our set as we possibly can. It makes things as normal as possible for our child employees.”
Derek snickers, which immediately catches the Director’s attention.
Director: “What?”
Adonis: “Nothing…”
But the Director continues to look at him.
Adonis: “It’s just… they see the disembodied puppets all day. That isn’t exactly normal.”
Director: “We use camera placement to…”
Adonis: “Do the kids’ faces use camera placement?”
Rose: “Derek, you’re asking too many questions.”
Adonis: “That was one question.”
Rose: “Stop it!”
She backhands Derek in his ample stomach, which he barely feels due to his natural padding… his gut. At this point, however, the Director turns to Chastity.
Director: “Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you to move back behind the yellow lines so we can start framing our shots.”
Rose: “Absolutely…”
She turns to Derek.
Rose: “Don’t blow this!”
With that stern, almost motherly warning, she moves off of the set to an observational point. Some make-up ladies rush onto the scene to touch up Adonis – and NOT in his preferred KABLAM kind of way – dabbing cotton balls against his face to clear up the sweat and reapplying some of the stage makeup. Derek really didn’t mind that makeup, though. It really brought out his cheekbones, and Derek was ALL FOR that. Still, he winks at one of the makeup ladies.
Adonis: “How you doin’?”
Makeup: “I was born in 2000.”
Adonis: “Who am I to judge?”
Finishing up their quick touch-ups, the makeup ladies leave Derek standing in place. It’s not too long before he is surrounded by a group of actors holding Elmo, Cookie Monster, and a person dressed in the Big Bird costume. This freaks Derek out a bit, but he looks to the sidelines and sees his son’s eyes light up. Uncharacteristically unsure of what to do next, he reverts to the most basic of human tendencies… small talk.
Adonis: “Nice day.”
Elmo: “Elmo thinks it’s a SUNNY DAY here on Sesame Street!”
Adonis: “Wait… are the cameras rolling?”
Big Bird: “Yep! A sunny day indeed!”
Cookie Monster: “Every day a great day… FOR COOKIES!”
Cookie Monster pulls out a monster’s handful of cookies, shoving them into his mouth. Derek reaches out, trying to snatch one.
Adonis: “Hey!”
He fails.
Adonis: “Hasn’t anyone every taught you about sharing?”
Director: “Quiet on the set! We haven’t started yet!”
Adonis: “But I thought…”
Director: “In 5… 4… 3…”
The Director makes the hand signs for 2 and 1 with his hands, before the sounds of the Sesame Street theme blares up around him. Derek, confused, begins to do a little jig where he stands, and had cameras been on him, it might become a dance that would become a hit across the nation! Sadly, it’s lost to time. Finally, the red light on the camera goes on and Derek stiffens (KABLAM!) like a board.
Elmo: “Hi! And welcome to Sesame Street! Elmo is so happy to see-“
Adonis: “HELLO!”
His nerves take the better of him. Elmo looks over at him briefly before turning back to the camera.
Elmo: “…see you!”
Big Bird: “Hey Elmo, who’s your friend here?”
Elmo: “This is Elmo’s special friend, Derek Adonis!”
Adonis again looks to the camera, almost choking.
Adonis: “Ka… KABLAM!”
Director: “CUT!”
Derek continues to look at the camera, wide-eyed as a deer caught in the headlights. The Director rushes back onto the scene.
Director: “Derek, what’s the problem man?”
Adonis: “This is going to be watched by kids.”
Director: “Millions.”
Derek bites his knuckles.
Director: “Is that… is that a problem?”
Adonis: “I’m not sure I’m the right guy for the job. I mean… I’m not exactly a “kid friendly” act.”
And then, the Director gives some advice to Derek that he would soon come to regret.
Director: “Don’t think of it as a “kid’s show”, Derek. Think of it as a natural expansion on your audience.”
Adonis: “Are you sure?”
Director: “Whatever will help.
Derek nods his head.
Adonis: “Then let’s do this thing…”
Director: “You heard the man! In 5… 4… 3…”
The Director makes the hand signs for 2 and 1 with his hands, before the sounds of the Sesame Street theme blares up around him. This time, Derek doesn’t appear nervous. No, he appears to be something even more dangerous for this television program.
Confident.
Elmo: “Hi! And welcome to Sesame Street! Elmo is so happy to see you!”
Big Bird: “Hey Elmo, who’s your friend here?”
Elmo: “This is Elmo’s special friend, Derek Adonis!”
Adonis: “Elmo, let’s no go starting any rumours. After all, aren’t you like 3?”
Elmo: “Elmo is 3 and a half!”
Adonis: “A little young for Man Mountain’s tastes IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”
Elmo: “Elmo doesn’t know what you mean.”
Adonis: “Let’s just say that the first rule of Man Mountain is DADDY DON’T DIDDLE! KABLAM!”
Derek looks exceedingly proud of himself. The puppets, as expressionless as they typically are, don’t seem to share the pride in Man Mountain.
Adonis: “And I’m here to talk to you about sharing.”
Adonis glares over at Cookie Monster.
Cookie Monster: “Why you look at me? You have DE-LICIOUS COOKIE!?”
Cookie Monster pulls a new cookie out from nowhere, going to eat them before Derek snatches one from his hand. He takes a bite out of it.
Adonis: “This tastes like a rice cake.”
Cookie Monster: “Me not know what you’re talking about.”
Adonis: “Still… there’s a lot of sharing that goes under the radar so to speak.”
Elmo: “Elmo wonders what a radar is.”
Derek looks at Elmo.
Adonis: “And soon we’re going to talk about the interrupting cow.”
Elmo: “Interrupting…”
Adonis: “Moooooo!”
Director: “Cut!”
Derek laughs like he invented the old joke, which obviously he didn’t. Elmo also laughs because he’s Elmo and will laugh at anything. Big Bird gets a sense that this is going south and tries to sneak away.
Adonis: “Bird! I know you know a thing or two about sharing.”
Big Bird: “What are you…”
Adonis: “I mean how you share your granny’s favorite birdseed cookies with your friends, even though they don’t appreciate the subtleties of birdseed, or how you share your nest with Mr. Snuffleupagus.”
Big Bird: “Wh… Snuffy and I don’t share my nest. Snuffy’s too big.”
Adonis: “Ah, so you go to his place then? I get it.”
Director: “CUT!”
Adonis: “And Elmo… you surround yourself with Abby Cadabby, Rosita, Zoe… you saucy little monster.”
Elmo: “Elmo’s very confused!”
Adonis: “Again, nothing that I would involve myself in. Too young. But you’ve got the humble beginnings of your very own KABLAMpire! Way to go, kiddo!”
Director: “CUUUUUUUUUUUUT!”
The Director rushes back onto the stage.
Director: “What the HELL are you doing?”
Adonis: “I’m expanding my audience. Duh.”
Director: “You’re accosting some of the most beloved monsters of Sesame Street.”
Adonis: “You lie! I haven’t ONCE accosted Telly!”
Telly is the best.
Director: “You’ve taken Cookie Monster to task for his cookies!”
Adonis: “Those were rice cakes! And did I taste paint? Who paints chocolate?”
Director: “It’s a stage prop! You implied there was… ess ee ecks going on between Big Bird and Snuffleupagus.”
Adonis: “Come on, you can’t tell me that there’s nothing there with the way they talk about each other.”
Director: “I know… but you’re not supposed to say it! It’s an unspoken thing! And then you accused Elmo of building a… a harem?”
Derek now gets offended.
Adonis: “Hey! Hanging around with many beautiful ladies is not a “harem”! The KABLAMpire is not a “harem”! It’s a shrewd marketing technique PERFECTED by my own Cookie.”
Director: “This… isn’t this your character on TV?”
Adonis: “Why would I limit myself to a character on TV? What you see is what you get, boss! WYSIWYG!”
Director: “This… this isn’t working. You’re too nervous when you’re trying to be a Sesame Street guest, and when you’re being yourself, you take over with filth.”
Derek beams shyly.
Adonis: “Well… yeah.”
Director: “Can we try this again, and please… please for all that is good and holy… stick to the script!”
Derek relents, lowering his head. And as much fun as a general Sesame Street script would be, this isn’t something the average SCW viewer is interested in. No one is lit on fire. No one is put in traction. Derek even manages to get through the lesson without any major sexual innuendo. Minor? Sure. But nothing more risqué than Derek Adonis usually participates in. And so, with that being said, you’ll have to check your local listings to see when Derek Adonis’ episode of Sesame Street will air.
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“Ladies and gentlemen… mostly ladies… have you ever looked at your life and wondered “How do I better myself?” I know you have, because everyone has. I have. There was a time in my life where I was low on the totem pole of SCW. I was down in the dumps, being mocked and disrespected every turn I took. But then something happened. Cookie Dreams happened. KABLAMaerobics happened. And I became the SCW CHAMPION… of Television.”
Derek licks his lips.
“Now, I’m still mocked and disrespected, but I get to be mocked and disrespected AS CHAMPION! How flipping cool is that!? Once upon a time, I was paid to pad other guys stats, and now they’re padding mine! I’ve now held the SCW CHAMPIONSHIP… of Television in three different months for one continuous reign! But this isn’t me being gloaty… okay, maybe a little gloaty. This is about me being an inspiration to all of the little people. Look at me…”
The screen splits, showing Adonis live on one side, and a photo of Adonis as Television Champion on the other.
“Not what you would expect, and not what industry junkies would consider “Championship material”, right? Well, I made it here not by being 250 pounds of pure muscle formed to be the definition of a statue. I made it by being me. Yes, kids… sometimes, personality does win out over raw ability! Sometimes, the natural athletes aren’t able to overcome those who had to survive through their uprising. But that’s me… you wouldn’t expect a lady’s man if you didn’t see my BOX of CONQUESTS to confirm it. Now, look at what I got through tender loving care of my KABLAMpire…”
His still picture is replaced by that of his somehow-wife, Cookie Dreams. Derek’s salivation nearly throws off his entire promo.
“Can you believe it? The amount of men who lust after my wife on a weekly basis notwithstanding, and our special arrangement put to the side, I still share the KABLAMpire with the most vivacious, voluptuous women this side of the equator. I’ll be honest – I owe much of my success to her motivation and her tatas.”
He grins perversely.
“Seriously, a guy can get lost in that rack for hours… I speak from experience. KABLAM!”
Derek pops off his catchphrase.
“But that’s not what this is about either. This is about this…”
The image of Cookie in all her glory is replaced by an image of the SCW CHAMPIONSHIP… of Television.
“My SCW CHAMPIONSHIP… of Television. In the two months… can you believe I have held onto a Championship for two months now? Sure, people are going to go out and say “YoU hAd A lOnGeR rEiGn BeCaUsE oF tHe HoLiDaYs” like some Sponge Bob buzzkill goof, but the fact that I won the CHAMPIONSHIP… of Television in the first place was something that wasn’t supposed to happen. Konrad Raab was supposed to bring respect to the Championship. And instead, Man Mountain got his meaty paws on it and hasn’t let go. Sure… you would think that Max Cade should have been able to get it away from me. Nope! Dante McCaffery surely should have been able wrest this from my grasp. Nada! I have been stubbornly persistent and consistent in how much I’ve been able to not blow this! And I look forward to Breakdown this week… St. Louis, Missouri, where I will proceed to try and not blow it again!”
Derek nods. The screen returns to a single shot.
“And this week… we have narrative! Directly from the talking heads at SCW Headquarters, we know what the story of the match is supposed to be! Let me read it for you… *ahem*… “Tommy Valentine has had a bit of a mean streak and in his last match, he defeated one half of the Tag Team Champions. Apparently, that got someone’s attention (Sasha) who gave Tommy a shot at Derek Adonis and the SCW TV Champion. Can the KABLAMing champion keep his reign going?”… wow, right? The whole narrative ends up being about ME… the KABLAMing SCW CHAMPION… of Television. The talking heads really like me! Sure, they gave Tommy Valentine… who is NOT my Valentine, B-T-W… a title shot, but again the question was about ME at the end! This is something that never would have happened in my life without Cookie or KABLAMaerobics!”
He pulls the Championship out from somewhere off-camera, holding it.
“I know that my last night as SCW CHAMPION… of Television could be any time. That’s why I aim to make every moment I’m on Television as Champion a MEMORABLE one. When it ends, we’ll all celebrate to the memories that we made, and then continue building, because 2019 WILL BE the YEAR of KABLAM! And in the end, you’ll all remember KING KONG KABLAM!!”
With that awkward nickname, the scene cuts away.
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The scene opens up to the sight of a big shot lawyer waiting inside the KABLAM Wedding Chapel – the place that began it all – in Las Vegas, Nevada. He holds a manila envelope in his hands and appears to be waiting patiently. He checks his watch periodically, until finally he is approached by Derek Adonis, who immediately rolls his eyes.
Adonis: “Not another child.”
The lawyer looks a bit confused, before shaking his head, passing the envelope over to him.
Lawyer: “No, sir. I represent the creators of KABLAM! You’re being sued for trademark infringement.”
Adonis: “Trademark wha…?”
The scene fades.