02-17-2019, 05:50 AM
02-20-2019, 11:05 AM
LEGEND
On-Camera Scene
Off-Camera Scene
Dialogue
The scene opens up with some utterly obnoxious BREAKING NEWS music. The KABLAM! News Network logo flashes on the screen before we end up facing the KNN desk, manned (or womanned as the case may be) by the voluptuous Chesty LaRue. The anchor sits, three buttons undone on her button up top, revealing the top of her black bra, with an abundance of make-up slapped onto her face and a stack of papers set… ah, you don’t care about the papers.
Chesty: “Chesty LaRue with this KNN BREAKING NEWS UPDATE!”
She applauds, bouncing up and down a bit. That’s what you came here to see.
Chesty: “I have it on good authority that the Warner brothers are currently in negotiations with our beloved KABLAMperor, Derek Adonis, to take on the role of the Bat Man, taking over from Ben Aflac! Why the Warners thought that an insurance-selling duck would be a good Bat is beyond even the most conventional of wisdom, but after he flew the coops and headed back north after the end of winter, they needed a replacement.”
A graphic appears above her shoulder of Derek Adonis in his skin-tight 1966 Batman costume, causing her breath to quicken and her chest to heave. She fans herself with her script.
Chesty: “We’ll have more on these development as they become available. But now, we return you to your KNN Special Report on intimate lady parts! Study up, gentlemen… there WILL be a test.”
Chesty winks, as the Breaking News graphic overtakes the screen again, fading us out.
===============================================================================
It was the most depressed that Jeff-Rey had ever seen his former employer. Led out from the cells, clad in an orange jumpsuit and held by chains, the former manservant to Man-Mountain had finally been brought to face justice for his role in an international money laundering ring. Still, sitting with a pane of glass between he and Derek Adonis, he could tell there was more than his personal legal woes on the mind of the KABLAMapotomus.
Jeff-rey: “Okay, what’ eat…”
Adonis: “Cookie’s pregnant!”
This immediate revelation brings a sudden stop to Jeff-Rey’s face. He doesn’t know quite how to process this sudden information.
Jeff-Rey: “Really? Are you sure?”
Adonis: “How could I not be sure? She has all the symptoms. She was throwing up all morning. Her bazongas look. Fan. TASTIC.”
Jeff-Rey shudders. Women were never his cup of tea, which is part of why Derek had hired him. He was the perfect wingman – always willing to talk up Man-Mountain, but never interested in conquering the ladies himself.
Adonis: “I mean, I just found out I have ONE son, and THAT was a big moment. Then Manvel decided to abandon our family and make hay with Cookie’s sister Cupcake. There was Valentines Day, which was ALWAYS a busy day at the Chapel. And now this?”
Jeff-Rey: “So you know for sure? She took a test?”
Adonis: “No, she doesn’t know that I know.”
Jeff-Rey: “Wait, so you’re basing this off of Cookie being sick during flu season…”
Adonis: “Yeah.”
Jeff-Rey: “…and a pair of fake breasts?”
Adonis: “They feel pretty real to me! KABLAM!”
Derek throws his hand up in the air, expecting a high five through the glass from Jeff-Rey, but it’s a five that leaves him hanging.
Adonis: “Come on…”
Still nothing. Finally, Derek waves one of the security guards over, keeping his hand up in the air. The guard was confused, but ultimately wasn’t as offended by providing the elevated hand slap that Derek had so craved before returning to his post. Derek smiled as he turned back. Jeff-Rey, not particularly impressed, continues talking.
Jeff-Rey: “The point is that maybe she’s not pregnant. Maybe she’s just sick. Maybe she ate some bad clams or something.”
Adonis: “Oh yeah? Well if it was bad clams, then why aren’t I sick? Huh? Huuuuuuuh? Mr. “Maybe she ate some bad clams or something”? Why n-…”
Derek stops mid-sentence. His face loses it’s typical joviality as something hits. In reality, you know exactly what just happened, and it’s timing couldn’t have been worse… or more comedic.
Adonis: “Pardon me.”
He hangs up the phone and casually shuffles over to the door, whispering to the guard who points in the directions of the prison’s guest washrooms. Derek moves faster than we have ever witnessed him move before as the scene fades.
===============================================================================
The scene returns to the KNN BREAKING NEWS music, the KABLAM! News Network logo flashing on the screen, and Chesty LaRue again sitting behind the KNN news desk. This time, all of the buttons on her button up top are open, her bra on full-display (but hey… it is a solid one).
Chesty: “Chesty LaRue with another KNN BREAKING NEWS UPDATE!”
She applauds again.
Chesty: “This is a public service announcement coming directly from the KABLAMperor and KABLAMperess… Do NOT eat the clams at the Bountiful Bosom Clam Bar Buffet! I repeat… the clams at the Bountiful Bosom Clam Bar Buffet are NOT of the best quality. And while all-you-can-eat MAY be tempting, it’s just. Not. Worth it.”
A graphic pops up with the famous Bountiful Bosom Clam Bar Buffet logo – an open clam resting on a bountiful bosom – with the famed “No” circle/slash logo overtop of it.
Chesty: “We at the KABLAM! News Network will not be held responsible for anyone getting sick at or because of the Bountiful Bosom Clam Bar Buffet. Thank you, and we return you to your regularly scheduled program: How Stella REALLY Got Her Groove Back… the KABLAMASUTRA Cut.”
Chesty blows a kiss to the camera, as the Breaking News graphic overtakes the screen again, fading us out.
===============================================================================
The scene opens up inside the SCW ring before the SCW Trios Tournament. As part of the pre-show festivities, there was no panel with Hall of Fame wrestlers giving their picks with some canned clichés about who they think is going to win the show. No… following the dark match prior to Trios, Weird Al’s “Wanna B Ur Lovr” played. Derek Adonis strutted out, followed by Cookie Dreams acting as his scantily-clad Miss Elizabeth. Adonis’ attire, however, was decidedly less Adonis. Gone were the bright, vibrant colours, replaced with gray-tones and a sensible suit. When Man Mountain reached the ring, he climbed into it, exposing a microphone from YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHERE. After tapping it on the top a few times, and having Cookie do the same thing, he pulls it out… THE MICROPHONE! He pulls the microphone out and plays with it a bit. There’s literally no way of cleaning this up.
Adonis: “Hellooooooooooo Trios! Man-Mountain is HERE-AHHHHHHHH!!! KABLAM!”
The crowd echoes his “KABLAM!”. Derek Adonis is a man of the people. May God have mercy on our souls.
Adonis: “Before I get started and DOWN to the NITTY GRITTY…”
He laughs, leaving the implication that the “nitty gritty” is something that is also sexual. The crowd cheers, and at this point we really can’t tell if it’s because they’re genuinely excited by the idea of Adonis and Cookie getting down and bizz-aaay right there in the ring or because they’re simply a more hyped up crowd than they would be in, say, Lafayette, Louisiana.
Adonis: “I wanted to take a moment to congratulate my former best friend, Manvel, on winning the Television Championship.”
The crowd – and Cookie – appear to be stunned.
Adonis: “No… no… it’s good for him. Because, and I say this as the man who held that title into 2018… and into 2019… I know that being Television Champion is no easy feat, and maybe now he can understand what was going through my head when I was Champion. Maybe now he can learn that I was never against him… that my responsibility to promoting all things KABLAM! was for all of us.”
Derek shrugs.
Adonis: “Or he’ll continue to market his toxic waste known as “MANsauce”.”
The crowd roars as Derek’s turnaround, leaving Man Mountain a bit confused.
Adonis: “And I hope that SCW has either commissioned a new belt, because when Manvel LOSES the Television Title – and he will – there’s going to be too much oil permanently tarnishing the leather strap. Cleaning it is going to be impossible. The damage to the beautiful Daisy leather is going to be too great to fix. So whoever’s in charge of belt procurement… maybe get a head start on that. BUT that’s not why I’m here.”
Derek paces around as the crowd cheers him.
Adonis: “As you may or may not have noticed, the third line of our Golden Triangle decided to bail on us. Cookie and I… we’re great people. We do all the things that people like. We are you in a way… living a dream that other people tell us we shouldn’t be able to live. And so we are opening up to the entire world… The KABLAMpire’s Best Friend Competition!”
Derek and Cookie point to the tron, which brings up a graphic with those same words… sponsored by KNN… with their images standing next to a silhouette.
Adonis: “So if you think you have what it takes to be OUR best friend, you can sign up by emails kablamtest@gmail.com, or tweeting us… @AdonisSCW or @CookieNDreams! And while tonight, three people are going to have any wish they could possibly desire at their fingertips by winning the Trios Tournament, being the third side… the third angle… of the Golden Triangle is something completely PRICELESS! Ladies and gentlemen… the KABLAMpire’s Best Friend Competition… starts… NOW!”
The crowd roars as Derek’s music starts again. Cookie and Adonis pose for the crowd as the tron keeps the contact information for this contest up. The scene, however, fades…
===============================================================================
[REC.]
“So my best friend abandoned me, became Television Champion, and I’m supposed to be wallowing in despair. I was mocked by Katya D…
Heh heh… “D”.
I was mocked by Katya D and put into a “MANsauce on a pole” match, as if she thinks that I needed some industrial strength cleaner to… I don’t know. Wash away the sting of betrayal? You know what? That’s fine. I know that Manvel did what he felt he needed to do. I know that. And if being TV Champion is what he needs to be happy, maybe when he’s done being happy, we can be a family again. Maybe he’ll come back to us. But if he doesn’t? I have Cookie. And if we’re honest, Cookie is the real brains behind the operation. Sure, I’m the charisma and Manvel WAS the six-pack. But the KABLAMasutra? Look at who first started talking about it on Twitter. Cookie. The KABLAMapotamus? Cookie. Everything that made Derek Adonis as household name… came from Cookie. And there is no sister in the world that will make me forget about that. So what if Cupcake is able to make her body a colouring book that needs to be filled in?
I’m losing my train of thought.
But anyway, we’re going to run this contest that you just saw the announcement for… the Best Friend Competition, and really. The winner of this competition isn’t only going to have immediate notoriety as the improved #3 of the Golden Triangle. The winner gets to be our best friend and benefit from all the KABLAMpire has to offer… included the brilliance of my bride. Owen Cruze showed last Breakdown that HE was smart enough to realize we were being placed in a farce, and I hope he has used that MANsauce to help clean his sink or something. Put it to good use, but I don’t really need it. I’m Man Mountain!
And it’s been a long time that I have felt like… me. When Manvel pushed Thomas Valentine from my path and cost me the SCW CHAMPIONSHIP of TELEVISION, he cost me more than a title. It was like what happened when that chick who took your v-card decided she’d rather date Billy from the football club. It hurt. Well… it mainly hurt because I ran chest-first into the corner with a full head (KABLAM!) of steam. And then when he brought Cupcake out… that’s Cookie’s sister, man. If you marry her, we’ll be brothers for real.
How wild is it that I married the HOTTEST woman I’ve ever known and she didn’t get it annulled a week later? That’s a first.
But anyway at Breakdown this week, I have a chance to get back on the horse in a manner of speaking when I take on Jordan Majors who is TOTALLY a person that exists. I know! I looked it up! And while she is easy on the eyes, I don’t expect an easy in the ring type. But… um… look, if I’m honest you guys, I don’t know much of anything about my opponent. I’m getting over this pregnancy scare that ended up being bad clams. It’s just… now is not a good time for me. So Jordan, good luck. I’ll see you in the ring.
And Manvel…
I meant what I said before. I do love you, man. You were my best friend and you stabbed me in the back to my face. You let Scotty poison your mind. You took Cupcake and turned her against her sister. And you stabbed me in the back. The next time you and I face each other, make sure you are the Champion of Television.
Because I’m taking it from you. KABLAM!”
On-Camera Scene
Off-Camera Scene
Dialogue
The scene opens up with some utterly obnoxious BREAKING NEWS music. The KABLAM! News Network logo flashes on the screen before we end up facing the KNN desk, manned (or womanned as the case may be) by the voluptuous Chesty LaRue. The anchor sits, three buttons undone on her button up top, revealing the top of her black bra, with an abundance of make-up slapped onto her face and a stack of papers set… ah, you don’t care about the papers.
Chesty: “Chesty LaRue with this KNN BREAKING NEWS UPDATE!”
She applauds, bouncing up and down a bit. That’s what you came here to see.
Chesty: “I have it on good authority that the Warner brothers are currently in negotiations with our beloved KABLAMperor, Derek Adonis, to take on the role of the Bat Man, taking over from Ben Aflac! Why the Warners thought that an insurance-selling duck would be a good Bat is beyond even the most conventional of wisdom, but after he flew the coops and headed back north after the end of winter, they needed a replacement.”
A graphic appears above her shoulder of Derek Adonis in his skin-tight 1966 Batman costume, causing her breath to quicken and her chest to heave. She fans herself with her script.
Chesty: “We’ll have more on these development as they become available. But now, we return you to your KNN Special Report on intimate lady parts! Study up, gentlemen… there WILL be a test.”
Chesty winks, as the Breaking News graphic overtakes the screen again, fading us out.
===============================================================================
It was the most depressed that Jeff-Rey had ever seen his former employer. Led out from the cells, clad in an orange jumpsuit and held by chains, the former manservant to Man-Mountain had finally been brought to face justice for his role in an international money laundering ring. Still, sitting with a pane of glass between he and Derek Adonis, he could tell there was more than his personal legal woes on the mind of the KABLAMapotomus.
Jeff-rey: “Okay, what’ eat…”
Adonis: “Cookie’s pregnant!”
This immediate revelation brings a sudden stop to Jeff-Rey’s face. He doesn’t know quite how to process this sudden information.
Jeff-Rey: “Really? Are you sure?”
Adonis: “How could I not be sure? She has all the symptoms. She was throwing up all morning. Her bazongas look. Fan. TASTIC.”
Jeff-Rey shudders. Women were never his cup of tea, which is part of why Derek had hired him. He was the perfect wingman – always willing to talk up Man-Mountain, but never interested in conquering the ladies himself.
Adonis: “I mean, I just found out I have ONE son, and THAT was a big moment. Then Manvel decided to abandon our family and make hay with Cookie’s sister Cupcake. There was Valentines Day, which was ALWAYS a busy day at the Chapel. And now this?”
Jeff-Rey: “So you know for sure? She took a test?”
Adonis: “No, she doesn’t know that I know.”
Jeff-Rey: “Wait, so you’re basing this off of Cookie being sick during flu season…”
Adonis: “Yeah.”
Jeff-Rey: “…and a pair of fake breasts?”
Adonis: “They feel pretty real to me! KABLAM!”
Derek throws his hand up in the air, expecting a high five through the glass from Jeff-Rey, but it’s a five that leaves him hanging.
Adonis: “Come on…”
Still nothing. Finally, Derek waves one of the security guards over, keeping his hand up in the air. The guard was confused, but ultimately wasn’t as offended by providing the elevated hand slap that Derek had so craved before returning to his post. Derek smiled as he turned back. Jeff-Rey, not particularly impressed, continues talking.
Jeff-Rey: “The point is that maybe she’s not pregnant. Maybe she’s just sick. Maybe she ate some bad clams or something.”
Adonis: “Oh yeah? Well if it was bad clams, then why aren’t I sick? Huh? Huuuuuuuh? Mr. “Maybe she ate some bad clams or something”? Why n-…”
Derek stops mid-sentence. His face loses it’s typical joviality as something hits. In reality, you know exactly what just happened, and it’s timing couldn’t have been worse… or more comedic.
Adonis: “Pardon me.”
He hangs up the phone and casually shuffles over to the door, whispering to the guard who points in the directions of the prison’s guest washrooms. Derek moves faster than we have ever witnessed him move before as the scene fades.
===============================================================================
The scene returns to the KNN BREAKING NEWS music, the KABLAM! News Network logo flashing on the screen, and Chesty LaRue again sitting behind the KNN news desk. This time, all of the buttons on her button up top are open, her bra on full-display (but hey… it is a solid one).
Chesty: “Chesty LaRue with another KNN BREAKING NEWS UPDATE!”
She applauds again.
Chesty: “This is a public service announcement coming directly from the KABLAMperor and KABLAMperess… Do NOT eat the clams at the Bountiful Bosom Clam Bar Buffet! I repeat… the clams at the Bountiful Bosom Clam Bar Buffet are NOT of the best quality. And while all-you-can-eat MAY be tempting, it’s just. Not. Worth it.”
A graphic pops up with the famous Bountiful Bosom Clam Bar Buffet logo – an open clam resting on a bountiful bosom – with the famed “No” circle/slash logo overtop of it.
Chesty: “We at the KABLAM! News Network will not be held responsible for anyone getting sick at or because of the Bountiful Bosom Clam Bar Buffet. Thank you, and we return you to your regularly scheduled program: How Stella REALLY Got Her Groove Back… the KABLAMASUTRA Cut.”
Chesty blows a kiss to the camera, as the Breaking News graphic overtakes the screen again, fading us out.
===============================================================================
The scene opens up inside the SCW ring before the SCW Trios Tournament. As part of the pre-show festivities, there was no panel with Hall of Fame wrestlers giving their picks with some canned clichés about who they think is going to win the show. No… following the dark match prior to Trios, Weird Al’s “Wanna B Ur Lovr” played. Derek Adonis strutted out, followed by Cookie Dreams acting as his scantily-clad Miss Elizabeth. Adonis’ attire, however, was decidedly less Adonis. Gone were the bright, vibrant colours, replaced with gray-tones and a sensible suit. When Man Mountain reached the ring, he climbed into it, exposing a microphone from YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHERE. After tapping it on the top a few times, and having Cookie do the same thing, he pulls it out… THE MICROPHONE! He pulls the microphone out and plays with it a bit. There’s literally no way of cleaning this up.
Adonis: “Hellooooooooooo Trios! Man-Mountain is HERE-AHHHHHHHH!!! KABLAM!”
The crowd echoes his “KABLAM!”. Derek Adonis is a man of the people. May God have mercy on our souls.
Adonis: “Before I get started and DOWN to the NITTY GRITTY…”
He laughs, leaving the implication that the “nitty gritty” is something that is also sexual. The crowd cheers, and at this point we really can’t tell if it’s because they’re genuinely excited by the idea of Adonis and Cookie getting down and bizz-aaay right there in the ring or because they’re simply a more hyped up crowd than they would be in, say, Lafayette, Louisiana.
Adonis: “I wanted to take a moment to congratulate my former best friend, Manvel, on winning the Television Championship.”
The crowd – and Cookie – appear to be stunned.
Adonis: “No… no… it’s good for him. Because, and I say this as the man who held that title into 2018… and into 2019… I know that being Television Champion is no easy feat, and maybe now he can understand what was going through my head when I was Champion. Maybe now he can learn that I was never against him… that my responsibility to promoting all things KABLAM! was for all of us.”
Derek shrugs.
Adonis: “Or he’ll continue to market his toxic waste known as “MANsauce”.”
The crowd roars as Derek’s turnaround, leaving Man Mountain a bit confused.
Adonis: “And I hope that SCW has either commissioned a new belt, because when Manvel LOSES the Television Title – and he will – there’s going to be too much oil permanently tarnishing the leather strap. Cleaning it is going to be impossible. The damage to the beautiful Daisy leather is going to be too great to fix. So whoever’s in charge of belt procurement… maybe get a head start on that. BUT that’s not why I’m here.”
Derek paces around as the crowd cheers him.
Adonis: “As you may or may not have noticed, the third line of our Golden Triangle decided to bail on us. Cookie and I… we’re great people. We do all the things that people like. We are you in a way… living a dream that other people tell us we shouldn’t be able to live. And so we are opening up to the entire world… The KABLAMpire’s Best Friend Competition!”
Derek and Cookie point to the tron, which brings up a graphic with those same words… sponsored by KNN… with their images standing next to a silhouette.
Adonis: “So if you think you have what it takes to be OUR best friend, you can sign up by emails kablamtest@gmail.com, or tweeting us… @AdonisSCW or @CookieNDreams! And while tonight, three people are going to have any wish they could possibly desire at their fingertips by winning the Trios Tournament, being the third side… the third angle… of the Golden Triangle is something completely PRICELESS! Ladies and gentlemen… the KABLAMpire’s Best Friend Competition… starts… NOW!”
The crowd roars as Derek’s music starts again. Cookie and Adonis pose for the crowd as the tron keeps the contact information for this contest up. The scene, however, fades…
===============================================================================
[REC.]
“So my best friend abandoned me, became Television Champion, and I’m supposed to be wallowing in despair. I was mocked by Katya D…
Heh heh… “D”.
I was mocked by Katya D and put into a “MANsauce on a pole” match, as if she thinks that I needed some industrial strength cleaner to… I don’t know. Wash away the sting of betrayal? You know what? That’s fine. I know that Manvel did what he felt he needed to do. I know that. And if being TV Champion is what he needs to be happy, maybe when he’s done being happy, we can be a family again. Maybe he’ll come back to us. But if he doesn’t? I have Cookie. And if we’re honest, Cookie is the real brains behind the operation. Sure, I’m the charisma and Manvel WAS the six-pack. But the KABLAMasutra? Look at who first started talking about it on Twitter. Cookie. The KABLAMapotamus? Cookie. Everything that made Derek Adonis as household name… came from Cookie. And there is no sister in the world that will make me forget about that. So what if Cupcake is able to make her body a colouring book that needs to be filled in?
I’m losing my train of thought.
But anyway, we’re going to run this contest that you just saw the announcement for… the Best Friend Competition, and really. The winner of this competition isn’t only going to have immediate notoriety as the improved #3 of the Golden Triangle. The winner gets to be our best friend and benefit from all the KABLAMpire has to offer… included the brilliance of my bride. Owen Cruze showed last Breakdown that HE was smart enough to realize we were being placed in a farce, and I hope he has used that MANsauce to help clean his sink or something. Put it to good use, but I don’t really need it. I’m Man Mountain!
And it’s been a long time that I have felt like… me. When Manvel pushed Thomas Valentine from my path and cost me the SCW CHAMPIONSHIP of TELEVISION, he cost me more than a title. It was like what happened when that chick who took your v-card decided she’d rather date Billy from the football club. It hurt. Well… it mainly hurt because I ran chest-first into the corner with a full head (KABLAM!) of steam. And then when he brought Cupcake out… that’s Cookie’s sister, man. If you marry her, we’ll be brothers for real.
How wild is it that I married the HOTTEST woman I’ve ever known and she didn’t get it annulled a week later? That’s a first.
But anyway at Breakdown this week, I have a chance to get back on the horse in a manner of speaking when I take on Jordan Majors who is TOTALLY a person that exists. I know! I looked it up! And while she is easy on the eyes, I don’t expect an easy in the ring type. But… um… look, if I’m honest you guys, I don’t know much of anything about my opponent. I’m getting over this pregnancy scare that ended up being bad clams. It’s just… now is not a good time for me. So Jordan, good luck. I’ll see you in the ring.
And Manvel…
I meant what I said before. I do love you, man. You were my best friend and you stabbed me in the back to my face. You let Scotty poison your mind. You took Cupcake and turned her against her sister. And you stabbed me in the back. The next time you and I face each other, make sure you are the Champion of Television.
Because I’m taking it from you. KABLAM!”