Religious Wright vs. Crystal Zdunich

[Konrad Raab]

2 RP Limit for each match

3500 word max per RP

Deadline: 11:59:59 pm ET FRIDAY, March 3, 2023 (NOTE DEADLINE) – Show will also act as if taking place on Friday – Pretend the NHL Trade Deadline was our lead-in!

[Braddock]

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On Camera
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The loud and rather annoying sound of nonsensical electric guitar riffs can be heard in a large auditorium. The individual playing guitar has oily, stringy black hair, he is wearing denim jeans, green boots, and a t-shirt which reads “JESUSMANIA, BROTHERS!” on the front.

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! JESUS! FUCK YEAH!”

“Hey! Brother Phil!” Just then the guitar playing comes to a sudden halt when another figure steps out onto the stage. This figure is wearing a purple robe with yellow trim and you can see black shoes underneath the robe. He has an angry sneer on his face. “Language, Brother Phil! LANGUAGE! Watch your language in front of the unsaved heathens!”

“Apologies, Religious Wright.”

“All is forgiven my brotha! Now go in peace to love and serve me with some jelly doughnuts.”

“Jelly doughnuts, sir?”

“You heard me, Brother Phil! Your penance is to bring me a dozen jelly doughnuts and to WATCH ME eat them and enjoy them without sharing them with you! Understand, my sinful Brother Phil?”

“Yes, Religious Wright.” Brother Phil turns and walks away. Once he is gone Religious Wright turns to face the camera and address his audience.

“My brothas and sistas of Sinful Championship Wrestling, my apologies for the evil language of Brother Phil. I picked him up off the streets. He was living a horrifically sinful lifestyle in a Judas Priest Cover Band…well, that’s on the days he wasn’t stripping to girly songs at the Foxy Lady down the street here in Mt. Judea, Arkansas. He has vowed to turn his life around and he serves The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness as the lead vocalist…lead guitarist…lead bassist…lead percussion…OK FINE! Brother Phil is the entire fucking Praise Band!”

“Language!” Comes the voice of Brother Phil. Religious Wright growls angrily.

“Make that TWO dozen jelly doughnuts for contradicting me in front of the faithful, Brother Phil!”

“Sorry, Religious Wright.”

“Now where was I? Oh yes. I am John Wright, the pastor of my beloved fl ock here at The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness. But you may call me Religious Wright, because THE LAWD your God is right and as HIS SERVANT, I am ALWAYS RIGHT! And the LAWD your God has bestowed upon me this special divine mission to bring the word of the LAWD to the unsaved sinners in Sinful Championship Wrestling!” He points a finger at the camera. “And the first sinner that I shall attempt to save will be little miss Christina Aguilara Rose Paris Hilton Lopez Zdunich!” Religious Wright shakes his head.

“WHAT KIND OF SINFUL SINNER HAS THAT MANY NAMES?! The Lawd your God deemed it to be that man and woman shalt only have but TWO NAMES, three if you’re special! Look it up, it’s in God’s HOLY WORD the book of 2nd Opinions chapter 6 verse 9! And I have seen you compete. Your wrestling style is a blasphemy against the LAWD! Only the angels of the LAWD may take to the air!” He pats himself on the chest. “I can take to the air because I am his minister! But you and the other lowly heathens in Sinful Championship Wrestling shalt not take to the air! That is found in 2nd Opinions Chapter 4 Verse 20!”

“So Miss Crystal, on Breakdown in the sinful city of glendale, I shall bring my Holy Water…I shall bring my Holy Salt…I shall bring the Holy Book of the Word of the LAWD…and I shall lay my hands upon your sinful flesh and make you clean! You will no longer be a sinner but be cleaned by the hands of RELIGIOUS WRIGHT! Can I get an amen?!”

“Amen!” Comes the voice of Brother Phil.

“Thank you, Brother Phil. But you still need to bring me two dozen doughnuts.”