Religious Wright FATAL FORTUNES

[Braddock]

Religious Wright’s spiritual journey throughout Supreme Championship Wrestling has been a tumultuous roller coaster ride to say the very least…ok, that’s being generous. The truth is that it has been a complete disaster from the beginning. Wright had lost his first few matches before pegging his hopes for a revival upon James Evans. Only James Evans would betray Wright, sending Wright on a further downward spiral of defeat after defeat. Even Wright’s other money making schemes, such as his documentary about his life story, has been delayed considerably thanks to the losses he has suffered thus far in Supreme Championship Wrestling. Wright is beginning to believe that SCW truly is Satanic Championship Wrestling and that it is the work of the devil that is keeping him from success. Still, someone as brave (or dumb?) as Wright refuses to give in this easily. Pastor John Wright continued to pray for an answer, for a new path forward. His answers were answered in the form of a new guide, a new prophetess named Selena Frost.

Everyone loves Selana Frost! Well, everyone except the unsaved heathens, and they can just go to hell! Wright is looking for souls who are interested in NOT going to hell and Selena Frost is the way, the truth, and the light…or is that Jesus? It doesn’t matter. As long as she makes him money and helps advance his career, both his spiritual career and his professional career in Satanic Championship Wrestling. But first and foremost among his tasks this day is to speak to the church attorney Henry Bassinger.

“Ok Henry!” Wright is sitting at his desk in the church office. The walls are lined with posters of Selena Frost galore and Selena Frost mugs, Selena Frost action figures, and other Selena Frost merchandise all over the office. Wright himself is wearing a Selena Frost t-shirt. Sitting across from him is the church attorney, Henry Bassinger. But as one can tell based on the man’s appearance, this isn’t exactly what it appears. Henry is wearing a raggedy very dirty, soiled shirt, torn red workout sweatpants and sneakers with holes in them. He has long raggedy gray hair and a long unkept gray beard. He is wearing gloves that have holes in the fingertips.

“My name is George…”

“Not anymore, my redeemed and saved brotha in Frost! Your name is Henry Bassinger! Now come on, Henry, we need to cut through this legal red tape so my lawsuit against the Canadian Hell Beast Kid, Satanic Championship Wrestling, and Ace Sky can go through the legal system rather quickly.”

“But I’m not a lawyer…I’ve never been to law school…I don’t even live anywhere…”

“Nonsense. I found a completely credible-looking website that says ‘lawyer certificate for two hundred dollars.’ I bought and paid for that certificate and now you are a lawyer.”

“I don’t know much, Pastor, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that.”

“Nonsense!” Wright scoffs. “It works that way because OUR LAWD says so! It works that way because SELENA FROST says so! Who would defy the will of our majesty the majestic Snow Queen?”

“Kandis.”

Wright rolls his eyes. “Other than her.”

“Adam Allocco.”

“Other than him!”

“James Evans.”

“DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN!” Wright slaps George…err, Henry. “For a supposedly homeless man you sure as hell keep up with Satanic Championship Wrestling. Now since you obviously keep up then you must know how important it is that I am successful in this lawsuit against CHBK, SCW, and Ace Sky. They will overturn that unfair, ungodly, unSelena decision against me and declare ME the winner or they will pay me ten million dollars!”

“Didn’t you lose to Ace Sky?”

“Yes, because the referee is CLEARLY in league with Satan!”

“He was just doing his job. It wasn’t his fault.”

Wright ponders the word of George…Henry…for a moment. “Y’know, you might be right my brotha. It really isn’t the referee’s fault and I won’t sue him.”

“Good.”

“I’LL SUE AMY CHASTAINE INSTEAD!”

“What?!” The homeless man exclaims in shock.

“No, it makes perfect sense! It isn’t CHBK’s fault, certainly not Satanic Championship Wrestling’s fault. The only logical explanation for the referee screwing me over is because Amy Chastaine…A SELF-PROFESSED WITCH…put a spell on him to make him screw me over!”

“Pretty sure that’s not how it works, Pastor.”

“Yes it is! Now add her to the lawsuit! I will sue her and Ace Sky for performing witchcraft without a license! Also religious persecution. I am being persecuted for my faith in Selena Frost.”

“I’m pretty sure they are more religiously persecuted than you, Pastor.”

“Silence, Henry! Remember what I’m paying you to do!”

“You’re not paying me anything, Pastor.”

It is at that moment, before Wright can say anything else completely and utterly ridiculous, that the door to his office opens. Brother Douglas enters the room wearing dirty denim overalls and a white t-shirt. He is grinning from ear to ear.

“Pastor Wright! I have great news!”

“Did Selena Frost descend from the heavens with glory and majesty?”

“No…” Douglas answers. Wright sighs with a sense of disappointment.

“What is it, then?”

“The Selena Frost Truck has arrived.”

“Brilliant!” Wright’s expression lights up. “Does it look like I specified?”

“It is larger than Grave Digger and has Selena’s image on it. On the side it reads ‘I Believe!”

“Perfect! You did well, Brother Douglas! I am going to ride my Selena Frost Monster Truck to the ring on Breakdown for Fatal Fortunes! The sheer look of power I wield with that machine will intimidate my opponent into submission!”

“Also your five o’clock appointment is here.”

“Your sister?” Wright asks. “The church secretary.”

“Yes.”

“Well tell her that the wild animalistic sex on the church altar will have to wait. I have other business to attend to. Namely, our SCW Universal Undisputed Worldwide Heavyweight Tag Team Champions of the Galaxy La Pequina Luz and Amelia Blythe, Light in the Darkness. They are the best friends of Selena Frost. They can get me through to her. Have they responded to my invitation to join the church?”

“No…” Douglas answers “...but we two indie wrestler knock offs named La Penguin LOL and Armenia Blight did accept your invitation.”

“They’re the team known as Dark in the Lightness?”

“Yes, that’s them.” Douglas nods his head.

“Well we can always use a few good ushers for the church. Let them know they’re in.”

“I will.”

“Now tell me, Brother Douglas, with Breakdown approaching quickly and my victory coming near, who will be my victim? Who shall fall before the mighty wrath of Religious Wright wielding the godly power of Selena Frost?”

“Uh…well…” Brother Douglas shrugs his shoulders “...I don’t really know.”

“How do you not know?” Wright asks. “I should know who my opponent is. It’s only fair!”

“Sorry, Pastor, but that’s not how Fatal Fortunes works. Every single match the next two weeks will be randomly drawn. This includes match types. You might end up competing in an Underground Match…”

“Underground?! I will not go underground to…”

“That’s not to be taken literally, Pastor. Anyway, you could also get a tag match. Or maybe a ladder match? Anything you could think of is a possibility. And every active member of the roster is fair game to be chosen for a match. So it could be you against…”

“Deanna Frost?! MY GODESS’s WIFE! THE UNITED STATES CHAMPION?!”

“Well…possibly.” Douglas nods his head. “Or maybe, better yet, the SCW World Champion ASHER HAYES!” Douglas hopes this will excite the pastor. But Wright looks confused.

“Wait…the President of the United States is US Champion? Huh, I suppose that makes sense.”

“No, no, that’s Rutherford B Hayes.”

“I thought he was a music composer and a singer?”

“No, that’s Isaac Hayes.”

“I thought that was that cute actress who won an academy award?”

“That’s Helen Hayes.”

“I thought that was the former head coach of Ohio State who got in trouble for cussing out a referee.”

“That’s Woody Hayes.”

“I thought that was the guy who played the red alien Carnage creep in the marvel superhero flicks?”

“That’s Woody Harellson.”

“Then who the hell am I thinking of?!”

“Asher Hayes.”

“Well I had no idea that he had not only served as President of the United States AND became SCW World Champion! It will be my honor to dethrone him…”

“...IF you get drawn to face him.” Douglas points out. “You might get drawn to face…oh…Kirsten Scott!”

“...I thought that was the attractive lady who played Mary Jane in the Spider Person flicks?”

“That’s Kirsten Dunst.”

“I thought she was a politician from New York?”

“That’s Kirsten Gillibrand.”

“I thought that was the girl who played in the Disney channel kiddie movie trilogy?”

“That’s Kirsten Storms.”

“Then who the hell am I thinking of?!”

“Kirsten Scott.”

“I refuse to fight a sitting US Senator.” Wright shakes his head. “That is unholy of me. Selena Frost would not appreciate it.”

“Well whoever you face is outside of your control, Pastor Wright. It may even be outside of Selena Frost’s control.”

“Hogwash!” Wright declares. “Nothing is beyond Selena’s control! Let us bow our heads and pray!”

Wright and Douglas bow their heads and shut their eyes. Meanwhile, the homeless man George…or is it Henry…uses this opportunity to escape…

“MY LAWD and MY GODDESS Selena Frost…I come to you this day asking for you to smile down upon me! Smite my enemies! Smite Ace Sky! Smite the heathen HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED! Smite Satanic Championship Wrestling and those who have rejected your message of integrity! Smile down upon your true believers and grant me, your servant, a match at Fatal Fortunes against…someone particularly easy for me to defeat…in your Frosty name we pray…AAAAAAMEN!”

Wright and Douglas open their eyes. Wright looks around and notices his “lawyer” is missing. His face goes red with rage. “WHERE THE FUCK DID HENRY GO?!”

[Braddock]

With SCW Fatal Fortunes coming up, the pastor of The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas John Wright, known mostly by his ring name, Religious Wright, knows that preparation will be key if he is to survive and endure whatever fate may dish out to him over these next two weeks. What is he preparing for, exactly? No one really has a clue. Its all up to luck and randomness. Its sorta like gambling, in a way, which is why Religious Wright thinks that this is yet another example of Satanic Championship Wrestling trying to screw him out of a victory. Still, Wright will use this as an opportunity. After all, every championship will be on the line at Fatal Fortunes. Wright recognizes this as a chance to become a champion, and redeem that championship in the most holy name of integrity, the name of the new prophet of his church, Selena Frost. Wright has been on his knees…most of the time sexually…but sometimes deep in prayer, praying to Selena that she would grant him this request; that luck would smile down upon him these next two Breakdowns, during Fatal Fortunes. John Wright knows that prayer alone will not get him across the finish line. Faith without works is dead! Preparation is key, yet how does one prepare for a night like Fatal Fortunes when you do not have a damn clue who you will be facing or in what type of match you will be facing them in?

John Wright finds himself being led by Brother Douglas across the campus of The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas. Douglas is wearing denim overalls, work boots, and a stained white t-shirt. Wright is wearing a baby blue Selena Frost t-shirt, baby blue workout shorts, and baby blue sneakers. An ear to ear, cheesy grin is upon his face. He hasn’t felt more optimistic about the future in a long time. He hasn’t had much like in SCW…ok, let’s face it, he’s had his ass kicked at every turn…but he feels that Fatal Fortunes will indeed be the turning point for his career. He feels that his prayers to Selena Frost will be answered.

“So where are ya taking me, Brother Douglas?”

“The gymnasium.”

“Don’t we have the Selena Frost Memorial Youth Basketball Tournament scheduled for today?”

“That’s next week.”

“The Selena Frost Memorial Youth Volleyball Tournament?”

“That was last week.”

“The Selena Frost Memorial Youth Laser Tag Tournament?”

“That’s next month.”

“The Selena Frost Memorial Youth Boxing Tournament?”

“You never scheduled that one.” Douglas shakes his head. “Pretty sure that wouldn’t be approved by city officials.”

“I don’t care! Book it for two weeks from now! Get our attorney on the job!”

“I think our attorney returned to the homeless shelter, Pastor Wright.”

“That damn quitter.” Wright snarls angrily. “I give him an opportunity and he throws it away! But it doesn’t matter, everyone has been kicking sand in my face, from that idiot Adam Brock, to HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED, Ace Sky, the entire lot of them! But the good LAWD shall have the last laugh! Can I get an amen my BROTHA?!”

“Amen!”

“Because Fatal Fortunes will smile down upon me! I know our good lord Selena Frost will work a miracle, she will intercede for yours truly and grant me what I truly desire…a championship match here in Satanic Championship Wrestling! And when I become champion, Brother Douglas, I will rechristen this god forsaken promotion: it will become SELENA CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!”

“Amen…but, uh, you really shouldn’t get ahead of yourself Pastor. You don’t even know who your opponent is or what type of match you will be competing in.”

Wright scoffs. “It’s fine, my brotha! I told you, I have a plan for how I can prepare!” He taps his forehead. “I am smarter than what those wretched devil worshiping heathens think! So tell me, is everything in place?”

Brother Douglas nods his head. “Yes.”

“Excellent.”

Wright and Brother Douglas make their way to the gymnasium. They step in through the massive front doors and then, in the center of the enormous gymnasium, is a regulation size wrestling ring. Outside of the ring is a wheel that resembles the wheel from wheel of fortune and has various match types written on it. Standing near the ring are a wide variety of other people wearing gaudy wrestling outfits.

“As you can see, Pastor, I used church funds to get the people you requested. You have La Penguin LOL and Armenia Blight. You might remember them, they are an indie tag team known as Dark in the Lightness. They’re the Light in the Darkness impersonators who joined our church.”

“Wonderful! Make sure they’re scheduled for some…private time with me, if you catch my drift.”

“Sex in your office, got it.”

“Who else do you have?”

“Granny Goodlips…” he points to a hunched over old woman using a walker “...T-Swizzle…” he points to a young teenage girl wearing an extremely sparkly one piece outfit.

“T-Swizzle?”

“Yes. She’s an independent wrestler whose gimmick is that she’s a Taylor Swift fan.”

“Ah, I see. Those Swifties can be intimidating.”

“...and lastly you have Tiny.” He points to a seven foot plus monster of a man who is ripped, built like a brick wall. Tiny glares angrily at Wright and then lets out a huge bellow.

“TINY CRUSH PUNY PREACHER!”

“What the hell?!” Wright looks at Douglas incredulously. “I thought I was specific in my instructions to only invite WOMEN! Not this…this thing!”

“To be fair, Pastor, you never know just who you might face. That’s the purpose of this workout. I have all of their names in a hat and I will draw them out at random. Then I will spin the wheel to determine what match type you will compete in. Sound fair?”

“Its only fair as long as I don’t have to fight HIM!” He points at Tiny.

“TINY RIP PUNY PREACHER MAN’S HEAD OFF!”

“Then its settled!” Douglas approaches the ring where he finds the aforementioned hat with all of these wrestlers names in it. “Your first opponent is…” Douglas reaches inside and produces a name and reads it out loud “...La Penguin LOL!”

“Ik zal in je kontgat duiken en het verwoesten met woede en razernij.”

“What’d she say?”

“I have no idea.” Douglas shrugs his shoulders. “Time to find out what match this is…” he spins the wheel after a few seconds it comes to a stop on… “Something on a Pole Match!”

“Pole?” Wright’s eyes light up. “Now we’re talking!” Wright jumps up and down giddily. “Where’s the pole?!”

“Over there.” Brother Douglas points to a pole that, coincidentally has a steel chair at the top. “I suppose its a chair on a pole match.”

“Take it off baby!” Wright exclaims. “Take it off!” Wright is throwing money at La Penguin LOL who, apparently, like Wright, believes this is a Pole Dance and not a Pole Match. She starts dancing very provocatively and slowly starts to discard articles of clothing. “Take it off!” More and more clothes come off until La Penguin LOL is damn near bare ass naked…except for the mask. Never take off the mask.

“Uh, well, is the match over?”

“I sure as hell feel like a winner!” Wright exclaims happily.

“Great.” Douglas sighs. “Ok, back to the old hat.” He pulls out a name. “Granny Goodlips.”

“Darn…” Wright sounds disappointed. Douglas goes over to the wheel and gives it a spin. A few seconds later when it slowly comes to a stop he reads the result…

“Submission Match.”

“Submission Match, eh?” Wright smirks. He walks over to Granny Goodlips. “Granny…”

“Huh?”

“Granny…”

“I can’t hear ya, boy, my hearing aid is on the fritz. You’ll have to speak up.”

“GRANNY!”

“Yes, sonny?”

“Do you have arthritis?”

“Everywhere.”

“Ok then…just tap on your walker if this hurts…” he gently pushes on her elbow.

“Ouch!” She quickly taps out.

“I suppose you won.” Douglas shrugs his shoulders.

“I am a submission master!” Wright grins from ear to ear. “Now, gimme another!”

“Might as well.” Douglas nods his head. “You haven’t much of a workout yet. So, your opponent will be…” he reaches back into the hat “...Tiny!”

“What the fuck?!” Wright’s face goes pale as Douglas spins the wheel. When the wheel comes to a stop Douglas reads the result.

“Last Man Standing Match!”

“Shit…” Wright exclaims.

“TINY CRUSH! TINY LAST MAN STANDING!”

The monstrous individual chases Wright around the ring. Wright finally enters the ring. Tiny steps in over the top rope with ease. Wright tries to leap out but Tiny catches him by his throat, pulls him back in, and choke slams him to the mat.

“TINY POWER BOMB PUNY PASTOR!” And yes, just as he called it, Tiny pulls Religious Wright up and gives him a power bomb. Tiny gets a dumb grin on his face. “PUNY PASTOR BOUNCE! TINY DO IT AGAIN!” Unfortunately for Wright, Tiny does indeed deliver a second straight power bomb. “TINY DO IT AGAIN!” A third straight power bomb.

Brother Douglas and La Penguin LOL watch as Tiny power bombs Religious Wright over and over again.

“I should probably step in.” Douglas states.

“Jij bent knap. Ik wil met je slapen.”