Eavan Maloney vs. Religious Wright

[Braddock]

“The following presentation has been paid for by The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas! We encourage you to donate any and all of your paychecks to The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas so that we here at The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas may use the money to fully fund spreading the gospel of Selena Frost, to create more believers and to spread integrity throughout the land!”

We open and we see Brother Douglas and Religious Wright standing on stage in the empty gymnasium where Wright’s rowdy and ruckus religious gatherings are held.

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time yet again where we tank the economy with needless and unnecessary spending and throw away the spiritual health and well being of our nation’s youth into the hand of the Devil! Yes, it is PROM SEASON! Now I know what you must be thinking. What’s wrong with prom, preacher? Well you’re asking the wrong question. The question you should be asking is…WHAT ISN’T WRONG WITH PROM? You have the average Joe and average Jane trying to make due with what little they got and they throw their entire paycheck away to make their kids look like the Whore of Babylon from the book of Revelations.

BROTHER DOUGLAS: He means Kandis.

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: And then you come and complain to me, your pastor, about why your kids came home drunk!

BROTHER DOUGLAS: He means Adam Allocco.

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: Instead of sending your children to the prom, send them to the The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness BLUE EYED BELIEVER FESTIVAL OF FROST! That’s right! An entire evening of festivities dedicated to Selena Frost! There will be a live BIBLICALLY ACCURATE singing from The Selena Frost Quartet singing songs of praise about our World Champion! We will have The Selena Frost Players put on a play about how our World Champion will defeat the forces of evil within Satanic Cat Worshiping! We will have dancing…BIBLICALLY ACCURATE DANCING! And when that is over the children can take a break and have some graham crackers and pineapple juice!

BROTHER DOUGLAS: Pastor Wright, shouldn’t you talk about your match on Breakdown from Sidney, Australia?

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: Sidney Australia? Why am I fighting her. She was great in Scream.

BROTHER DOUGLAS: No, that’s Sidney Prescott.

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: Isn’t that the guy who played the cop in that show In The Heat of the Night?

BROTHER DOUGLAS: That’s Sidney Poitier.

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: He played a mean saxophone, let me tell you what…

BROTHER DOUGLAS: That’s Sidney Bechet.

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: Then who the hell am I thinking of?!

BROTHER DOUGLAS: Sidney, Australia! That’s where you’re going to wrestle Eavan Maloney.

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: I never trusted that kind of meat. Yuck!

BROTHER DOUGLAS: That’s baloney.

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: I thought that was the singer…

BROTHER DOUGLAS: That’s Post Malone.

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: Then who the hell am I fighting?!

BROTHER DOUGLAS: Eavan Maloney.

RELIGIOUS WRIGHT: I don’t care what anyone says! That kinda meat sucks! And I will be victorious live from Sidney, Prescott! IN THE NAME OF THA LAWD! IN THE NAME OF SELENA FROST!