Ryan LeCavalier vs. Religious Wright

[Braddock]

We open on stage at the obesely huge and ridiculously expensive gymnasium that plays host to The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas. Standing there in dirty overalls, a stained white t-shirt, boots, and wielding an electric guitar is none other than Brother Douglas. He strikes a chord on his guitar and the obnoxiously loud Christian rock begins to blare over the PA system.

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
GONNA BEAT RYAN!
FUCK YEAH!
SELENA FROST!
FUCK YEAH!
WE BELIEVE!
FUCK YEAH!”

Religious Wright starts to dance down the aisle of the empty gymnasium. He is wearing jean shorts, sneakers, and a t-shirt with Josh Hudson’s face on it but with a big red “X” marked over his face.

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
JESUS! FUCK YEAH!
GONNA BEAT RYAN!
FUCK YEAH!
SELENA FROST!
FUCK YEAH!
WE BELIEVE!
FUCK YEAH!”

Wright hops up onto the stage and starts dancing next to the podium as Brother Douglas hits his guitar solo. Thankfully the guitar solo doesn’t last long. Brother Douglas brings an end to this awful song and Religious Wright steps up to the podium.

“Thank you my brotha, Brother Douglas! Thank you to all of my sheep and my fellow BELIEVERS watching this from home! Remember to have faith in our one true believer Selena Frost! She will rescue us from this age of promiscuity that has dawned upon SATANIC CAT WRESTLING! And speaking of our fearless leader, allow me to point out that we are now selling these t-shirts…” he motions to his Anti-Hudson t-shirt “...buy them! Buy them now! Each shirt you buy gets you one step closer to heaven! Show your support for Selena Frost! 90% of the proceeds go to Selena Frost and 10% of the proceeds go towards upkeep of The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness.” Wright turns to look at Brother Douglas. “Now tell me, Brother Douglas, who is the unlucky victim, which lost soul must fall before me this week?”

“Her name is Ryan LeCavalier.”

“Oh really?” Wright snickers nastily. “Well this will be good! Really good! Some jerk who thinks he’s some idol for the worship of women everywhere! Thinks that just because he starred as Ken in that stupid ass Barbie movie that he is all hot…”

“Uh, Pastor Wright?”

“What is it, Brother Douglas, can’t you see I’m on a roll?”

“Yes, but…your opponent is Ryan LeCavalier. You were talking about Ryan Gosling.”

“Who?”

“Ryan Gosling.”

“I thought that was the guy who hosted American Idol.”

“That’s Ryan Seacrest.”

“I thought that was the fat loudmouthed football coach who was regularly embarrassed by Tom Brady.”

“That’s Rex Ryan.”

“Isn’t that the chick who was sleepless in Seattle?”

“No, that’s Meg Ryan.”

“I thought that was the child star who now voice acts for that crappy Scooby prequel on HBO?”

“That’s Debby Ryan.”

Religious Wright throws his arms up in the air in frustration. “Then who the hell am I thinking of?!”

“Ryan LeCavalier!”

“Well I don’t care what you or anyone says, anyone who is stupid enough to coach the New York Jets does NOT belong anywhere near a wrestling ring! And you had better keep that idiot away from Selena Frost! We cannot allow that Ken wannabe to lust after our dear leader!”

“Uh…” Brother Douglas starts to talk but Wright interrupts.

“RYAN!” Religious Wright points a finger at the camera. “THOU FILE CREATURE! YOU ARE GOING DOWN! I WILL BE VICTORIOUS BECAUSE I AM A TRUE BELIEVER IN THE ONE TRUE SNOW QUEEN SELENA FROST!”