Shaun Cruze vs. Konrad Raab

[Konrad Raab]

Daytona Beach, Florida. Tuesday 13th February. (Offline)

Of course, this was the day before everything with the Daytona Five Hundred race began as I was in my holiday home. I brought it as it's cheaper than getting hotels every time I come here, although I race in Florida lot with my dirt cars as well. It was another holiday home that Ross had been to in a few weeks. It was almost like I was a gipsy, but Florida wasn't somewhere I wanted to live, and I wouldn't be living there because of hurricanes that struck here. I will only go there when it's NASCAR or dirt car racing weeks.

That didn't matter, nor did what the home looked like since it was as new as you could get, honestly. Ross was honestly shocked at what he saw about me, not only having a holiday home but also how spacious it was. He had his laptop and a ton of paperwork, as usual, along with the large book that he tipped upside down so I would not see the obvious location of the mountain I was going to climb next.

We sat down on the living room sofa, which, ironically, I haven't done much of since I brought the holiday home. In fact, it was the first time I had come here since I bought it, so we did. He laid out the laptop, the paperwork, and the book that he still had upside down as we went through the details of the next action plan after I passed him a Celsius Sparkling Cosmic Vibe can of drink, and I got one from the fridge myself.

Ross Barnes: “It took you a bit of time to get used to doing mountaineering stuff, but there was something in you that triggered you to climb Mount Hood that day, wasn't it?”

Konrad Raab: “I don't think I would've made it without Jacob.”

Ross Barnes: “He's going to climb every mountain with you during this whole time your in therapy since I feel even if you come back to wrestling like in a month, you still won't have positivity in yourself.”

Konrad Raab: “I was worried if I had to start mountaineering on my own because I didn't think I could do that. What triggered my motivation was actually the smell of fire. I would have struggled big time if the smell of the fire hadn't motivated me.”

I had to tell him the truth that I didn't know until I got there that I had climbed a volcano, which to me was insane. That mountain was the first one I climbed, but I have a feeling this one Ross was about to tell me was going to be harder. I didn't really like climbing Mount Hood, but I did it because Ross thought it would benefit me to be more positive mentally and put myself first.

Ross Barnes: “Yeah, I could tell, but you still had to do it because it was just a start, and that's exactly what you needed to start something very small rather than the higher mountains, as it would be silly for you with no mountaineer experience to start them.”

Konrad Raab: “I don't know, Ross. What if I don't feel any different from climbing the mountains I do when I return to wrestling?”

Ross Barnes: “We'll still work with you on it and I feel climbing mountains for you is a challenge and the only one that I feel that would push you beyond your comfort zone out of everything I saw in the list. You know damn well you need to do it. I understand I may have pushed too much the first time for you to be positive, but you need to say positive things.”

Konrad Raab: “The problem is I don't know what I do that's been a positive. I don't think aside from going to countries to give money and donate positive items. I don't know if I can speak positivity about myself.”

I know I gave an example of donating money and going to countries to do so, but I was never praised for it by anyone else besides the governments of those countries and Kemal. I just don't know if what I do is enough, but I guess that is one of my problems: I expect to get some gratitude, and I never do or rarely ever do.

Ross Barnes: “I feel you don't speak positively because nobody gives it to you. You have to realise that not everyone is going to do that. You have to take criticisms when it's best, which you've always struggled with, and I don't need to look at your social media account to know that.”

Konrad Raab: “Yeah, I guess. I just don't know if this mountain climbing is going to be helpful in my fears of going for the world title. When I think about it, I think I've gotten a tendency of fearing to go for the Adrenaline and US titles. But at the same time, I just haven't seen Deanna or Bree be much of a challenge for me.”

Ross Barnes: “Well, beating them means you've not only won the title but also their legacies within the titles they hold.”

Konrad Raab: “That's not enough. They have to be violent and I've got literally no history with them at all, same with Selena. I've had matches against them, but nothing more than that.”

That was the truth about why I've not gone for titles for a long time. There wasn't anyone worthy of winning it, and when there was someone worthy of winning a title at the time, I got an anxiety attack, so I didn't care and made up a story because I was legitimately scared of going to win the world title, let alone wanting to win.

Ross Barnes: “I'm aware why you weren't interested in winning the world title. I know you've had an anxiety attack, so you hid that and claimed you didn't need a title to beat Kandis. We do need to change that mentality with you, at least the refusal to win titles, as I said for the past few weeks. I do say it over and over because it needs to be in your head.”

Konrad Raab: “I know.”

Ross Barnes: “But getting back to the mountain thing, you are going to do some more mountain climbing, which is why I'm allowing you to unveil the mountain you're going to do. Flip the book over, and I think you'll enjoy this one.”

I was shaking as I still felt afraid of climbing mountains as I thought I was going to die at Mount Hood, but I know Ross was right at the same time, the only way I confront my fears is to face them head on. I was still hesitant and shaky with my body as I forced myself.

Ross Barnes: “It's OK, flip it over.”

I knew we weren't going to go anywhere if I didn't, so I gulped before drinking my energy drink suitable for vegans like myself. I flipped it over and saw it was a strange name of a mountain, and I shook my head.

Ross Barnes: “I know it seems there's a lot more climbing to do, and I know it's in a different country, but it's another easy one. Also, this time, you can read in preparation. Granted, you're not doing it this week, but you are next week. Depending on the weather at Daytona, we do it on Wednesday with Jacob again.”

It was clear I had to flick through the book to determine what was so special about this place, and then I found out Ross was pretty clever. Despite this mountain being perfect for beginner mountaineers like me, I didn't know anything about it when I was at school. It was a former world war zone for Germans and Austrians in Italy.

Konrad Raab: “I can go to these places from a world war zone where my country, Austrians and Italians, had a war in?”

Ross Barnes: “That's right. You're climbing Tofana Di Rozes in Italy, and Jacob obviously will come with you. You will learn a lot from the history of your country and Austria.”

Konrad Raab: “Seems like I will. Seems much more my thing than climbing in general.”

Ross Barnes: “The next mountain will be climbing in general, but you will learn from this from history and problem-solving activities as there will be tough times of climbing and walking the mountain. It's an experience you can't pass up on.”

Konrad Raab: “I'm interested.”

I literally was this time as I read more of this book while Ross was talking to me. I turned the page and told about this history, and I nodded, knowing this was something I was going to climb and enjoy, but at the same time, I knew this was not to enjoy myself and climbing this mountain I knew wouldn't be enjoyable. Ross drank some energy drinks and typed a lot while we were talking.

Ross Barnes: “But this is also for you to climb regardless, and your equipment should be good. You will need to climb more with this one than the last one. This will test your problem-solving abilities and the overall positive mentality you lack. This will test everything you've done and goes leaps and bounds beyond Mount Hood.”

Konrad Raab: “Yeah, I expected you to throw in a bone to make things difficult and uncomfortable for me.”

Ross Barnes: “It's meant to be a way for you to overcome your fears and stop being in your comfort zone. I leave you to read this book, and we'll fly there on Tuesday and start climbing on Wednesday with Jacob, and I'll be on the radio for communication. I leave you be to prepare for Daytona five hundred weekend.”

I waved him off, as he was right—I did need to prepare for my double race weekend for Kaulig Racing. He picked up the can of energy drink and left my holiday home as I read more about Tofana Di Rozes's mountain book. I was curious about what else made this mountain special to climb. I read for hours before I went into my simulator to drive the car around the Daytona International Speedway track for two hours before I headed off to bed.

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Veneto, Italy. (Tofana Di Rozes mountain climb.) Wednesday 21st February. (Offline)

This was the day after arriving in Italy yesterday to do the climb with Jacob Thomas, who was my mountaineer and encouraged me to say positive things as well. We met outside the hotel I was staying at to do this climb to get a car to drive us there with Ross on the radio since Jacob hadn't seen me since the Mount Hood climb. It was no different getting there than with Mount Hood with going in the car, me vomiting from the car window because of my anxiety attack, and we got changed in the hut in our climbing gear. Nothing different, except for wearing hard lids on our heads. There would be much more climbing involved as we had to always wear the harness.

This was going to be an adventure wanting to climb this time, although I still was afraid that something bad could happen. I managed to survive with the Mount Hood climb; god knows how I will handle this, with the mountain being much higher than Mount Hood. I remembered what I was really doing it for, aka doing it for my mentality training to seek the World Title and other titles in the future. Jacob could tell I was shaking again, even while we were walking up there, as I breathed in and out as I had before the walk to the mountain.

Jacob Thomas: “It's going to be fine.”

Konrad Raab: “I don't know, it just seems more dangerous.”

Jacob Thomas: “Come on, there's got to be something about this mountain you will like.”

Of course, I knew he wasn't telling a lie there after a book I read, but at the same time, I just didn't feel motivated or want to do this climb at all because I hated doing so. I mean if it wasn't for the smell of fire, I wouldn't have done it. We started to climb with the gear we had on with the metal rope provided for everyone to use, and luckily, we were the only ones today doing this mountain climb.

Jacob Thomas: “It's going to be alright. I'll go ahead of you to spot the potential dangers, and then you'll follow me, okay?”

Konrad Raab: “Fine.”

Honestly, I just wanted to get this over and done with, and I hope to see the caves I saw in the book, especially relating to my country. Jacob didn't know I was looking forward to that, but it meant I had to climb to get there. Ross mentioned once again to tell me to speak positive thoughts, but I refused because I wasn't ready to do that yet. I was more focused on not looking down, not because I was scared of heights, but because of death. The only places I wanted to die were either in the ring or at the race track. Not from making mistakes climbing.

Jacob Thomas: “You're doing well. I understand you're hesitant about walking on the rope here, but that's what the harness is for and the lid to keep you safe.”

Konrad Raab: “I know, I just don't like doing this. I don't want to do this.”

Jacob Thomas: “Get the don't parts out of your head and be positive, Konrad. You have the ability to do so.”

Konrad Raab: “When it comes to World Title matches, I feel like this every single time. What makes you think climbing this mountain is different to that?”

Jacob Thomas: “That's why we're doing it: to get you out of your comfort zone and make you feel you can and will win the world title like you can get to the top of this mountain and be excited about whatever you see.”

Konrad Raab: “Fine, for fuck sake.”

I was pretty mad to be forced to do another mountain climb once again, but at the same time, it was the only thing that would be out of my comfort zone. This was one of those times, and I felt ridiculous as an almost sixty-year-old man, climbing mountains to overcome my fears and insecurities to win a wrestling world title. I was already tired and exhausted mentally just to climb this mountain, and this was just to get to the caves, which was obvious to Jacob, and I never told him. Maybe Ross did, and Ross continued shouting on the radio for me to shout positive things, and I simply couldn't, so I shouted over the radio.

Konrad Raab: “Fuck off, Ross. Not being positive about myself.”

Because I didn't want to be as I was more focused on not dying from falling from this mountain and not dying trying to get up to the caves. It was really high. Ross, the book and Jacob were right; there was a lot more climbing to do, and this was just to climb a mountain and walk up to the top, which we would do regardless of the weather. However, Jacob had to reassure me of doing this immediately after I said the words I said to Ross on the radio.

Jacob Thomas: “Ross is right here. You have to start being positive about everything.”

Konrad Raab: “Yeah, and I'd be faking it if I was.”

Jacob Thomas: “That's the point. Since you have nothing to be positive about, you have to fake being positive about yourself so you can build your self-esteem. That's another reason why you feel you can't do certain tasks: You aren't confident, you don't have self-esteem, and instead, you'd take it out on everyone and blame them rather than yourself.”

Konrad Raab: “I find it difficult because the last time I was positive, feeling I could win matches, I lost. It was fucking nonsense of me to do so.”

Jacob Thomas: “So putting yourself down means putting everyone else down?”

I nodded because I generally felt this way with all of the opponents I faced in the ring, but it's also why I struggled and did not want to climb walls so much because I hated everything and the world itself. I even hated myself and didn't know what to do about it. I just struggle to be positive about anything, and even if other wrestlers gave me compliments, I find it difficult to take in, as difficult as it was to climb up this mountain. I stayed silent and focused on getting to the cave that got me to climb this mountain in the first place.

Jacob Thomas: “Not saying a word, huh? Means I'm right.”

Konrad Raab: “Or maybe I'm trying to follow you and not have altitude sickness.”

Jacob Thomas: “You won't; it's fine. It seems you're scared of heights to me.”

Konrad Raab: “Or scared of dying from altitude.”

Which was the main point I was afraid of than climbing high heights itself. Maybe I was dramatic and over the top, but I really was struggling here. Why did I let myself get into climbing mountains situations? At least I wasn't alone, which, technically, according to the book, you shouldn't do mountaineering on your own. I was gasping for a drink, but we were stuck in the corner that we couldn't. So I continued, even if I was thinking about seeing the trenches inside the cave and possibly hidden treasures I've not seen on this trip besides what the book told me. I knew we had to get there and had to get to the top of this mountain.

As we went from side to side during the mountain climb, I saw something that resembled the very thing we were climbing for, which only signalled that we were getting closer. So, I pushed myself forward and stared at the very thing that triggered my motivation. For some reason, I needed to see or smell things to motivate me to keep going. Jacob noticed I hadn't taken my eye off the golden object.

Jacob Thomas: “Ah, seen a golden bullet, huh?”

Konrad Raab: “Yes. The book I read told me about the history of World War I on this mountain. But I didn't expect to find something like this.”

But as we got off from climbing, I realised we didn't have to climb, for now at least, as I immediately got my bottle of water out and started drinking, breathing in and out heavily as I was exhausted from climbing the mountain. But I was able to go on the floor and pick up the golden bullet, only I discover, there's tons of golden bullets around, but this one struck my eye first.

Konrad Raab: “Wow.”

Jacob Thomas: “Something tells me that you wanted to do this just for the history?”

Konrad Raab: “Yes, after reading the book, I want to go to these caves and explore World War I when the Germans attacked countries.”

I was looking at the ground until Jacob saw something that I had done this climb for.

Jacob Thomas: “Look what I found.”

He turned my head towards a sign saying to caves. So all that pissing and complaining I did was all for nothing, although I was practically exhausted, which is why I stopped, although Jacob saw it was mental exhaustion, which is what triggers everything in my mental state. That really wanted to get me moving as I put the bottle of drink in the bag, stood up and continued walking and getting through tricky bits using our harnesses. We eventually got to the caves, and I went in immediately.

I saw a lot of what was inside, including the snow that entered the caves, but the important thing is that I saw old tables and chairs as I stood behind the barrier and saw that Germans and Italians were sitting on them. Then, as I came out, I saw the trenches where the soldiers were in the First World War. I stood back in amazement.

Jacob Thomas: “Now somebody is interested.”

Konrad Raab: “Do you understand where I come from?”

Jacob didn't know me very well, which Ross stated on the radio about my location and where I actually came from. From then, Jacob understood the realisation of me being interested in something like this. I widened my eyes, and I stayed inside of the cave for a bit, knowing we still had a bit of a way to climb, but this is what I mainly was interested and; then I saw the gun stands, and I was completely gobsmacked as was Jacob who despite climbed this before, he never took the time it seems from his body language to really take in the history of this place. Along with the history of war, which was my kind of bag. I loved war films and cowboy films; it's what I grew up with as a kid.

Konrad Raab: “This is the sort of stuff I'm into.”

Jacob Thomas: “I'm glad you found something you're passionate about on climbing this mountain. I don't know why you didn't tell me that you wanted to see this and how important it was to your country to see things like this.”

Konrad Raab: “I guess because I didn't want you to encourage and push me more when I struggled.”

Jacob Thomas: “Konrad, you have to get used to this. Heck, I've still not heard you say anything positive about yourself. Maybe now that you've come to the caves and seen something you're interested in, you will change your mind. Saying something positive and nice about yourself is a good thing, you know.”

I know he was right. I felt like I was full of negativity all the time, and it was because of how I was raised and how weak I was as a gutless man who only allowed himself to be picked and beaten my entire life. When I felt the sense of being angry and letting the world know who I was, I felt so much better. Anger was the motivation I was lacking my entire wrestling career, and Minerva sparked it up for me.

Being this nice guy was only me faking who I was, and all these people tell me I should be myself, but you can't in the wrestling world. You can't be yourself, and I struggle now to know who the fuck I wanted to be. I had no identity beyond being angry and needed to find it.

Konrad Raab: “I got to find my identity.”

Jacob Thomas: “We will in due time, and you can only find it when you know the man you want to become, even if your time is limited.”

I nodded, but I was so interested in the war stuff around me that I didn't really care what I said. It was just a nice place to rest from walking, and all I wanted to do was stay there and soak in the history of World War I in Dolomites. Seeing trenches, bunkers, a place where people eat and drink and people sleep, it was a whole new world, and I took a few pictures as it was too amazing not to. An hour later, while I was enjoying this so much, Jacob came to me, and we separated for an hour to take a look at the place.

Jacob Thomas: “We still got to get to the top of this mountain, Konrad, including walking along that bridge.”

Konrad Raab: “You're right, but I've been so excited about seeing all this since reading that book before I got here.”

Jacob Thomas: “Damn, then I don't understand why you were so grouchy about climbing the mountain. You do a good job of hiding it. But it's unfortunate. Now I see that you were excited after all; you just hid it.”

I guess I was good at hiding my real emotions and exploiting everything with anger. Being happy just doesn't motivate me as much as being angry, I guess. So we left the caves and the area of the war, unfortunately, and I dropped the golden bullet as I saw it, and we continued walking with Jacob in front of me, which somewhat assisted me throughout this entire climb and walk. This was the hardest mountain I've had to climb, being exhausted, tired and mentally drained. It was very overwhelming to see the World War I environment, and it felt so different that, in a way, I could be positive about myself.

Konrad Raab: “Climbing the mountain to see World War One environment was the best day I've ever had. We still got to get to the top, but I never felt better seeing the shock, amazement and overall happiness to see things I could discover. This was the best mountain climb I've done so far.”

Ross and Jacob applauded me for speaking positively about myself, and I didn't know if they saw I was faking it or I meant it, but I know I meant it, which is odd for me to do, but I was positive, and that was the main thing. However, we still got to get to the top of the mountain as we walked for miles, even over the bridge, which wasn't the stablest of bridges I've walked on, although the one in Pakistan I walked on nearly fell to pieces walking on it, it was because they had a monsoon.

So, compared to that, it was more stable, and I kept thinking about the bridges I repaired in Pakistan, Turkey, Syria, and even in countries like Brazil and Kazakhstan, where nobody even knew I went to donate food and items to them. People still don't take climate change seriously, and nobody in wrestling supported my cause.

Which was why I was pretty negative all the time because nobody fucking cared. The floods in Germany affected me so hard that I wanted to do something about that. Americans are ignorant. But I couldn't think about that as I had to continue climbing as we went past the bridge, and we had to climb up once again with our harnesses and pick axes. We've worn the crampons since we started the climb. It was a long way up, and I was still trying to soak in my emotions of seeing the World War I area.

But I used my anger and grit to climb, growling and pushing myself to know I was going to be alright with Jacob saying the same thing when there were moments of the struggle as Jacob knowing he was doing his job as I felt a little unsteady while climbing up as he held me.

Jacob Thomas: “You got this, Konrad. You can do it. It's only a few more steps until we've reached the top.”

So I pushed on as it was a long way up still, even if we were halfway. So I slowly but steadily walked up, holding onto the rope via my harness as Jacob assisted me. I was very slow, losing the momentum that it got me fearing altitude sickness again, but I pushed myself with every bone and fibre of my body and used anger noises to motivate me to finish this goddamn task.

Fifteen minutes later, I got to the top, and Jacob got out the flag stating Konrad's part two of his mental training completed at Tofana Di Rozes mountain climb. Like with the Mount Hood climb, we took a selfie with the flag before I collapsed to the ground, mostly because I wanted to rest.

Jacob Thomas: “That was a really hard climb for you, but you did it. I think after you saw the Word War One stuff, you really wanted to do it. I think you will eventually be motivated to climb without the struggles you put on yourself.”

Konrad Raab: “I doubt it.”

I breathed in and out of exhaustion as we sat for a while, knowing we had to get back down, but I also needed a rest. I nodded mostly to myself.

Konrad Raab: “I tackled the most difficult climb of my life to climb this mountain, but I enjoyed the World War One environment so much that it only triggered me to go farther and get to the top. I found the climbing side to side and climbing up extremely difficult, but I did it and wouldn't have done it without Jacob.”

Jacob Thomas: “It was all you, Konrad. I just helped you get up here since you couldn't do it on your own due to it being a law. Have a drink; you're exhausted psychically, as I didn't realise you were until you sat down. We'll be here as long as you need before we climb back down again. Great job, and I hope to see you again with the next climb after we've reached the bottom.”

I nodded as I did need a drink after that as we didn't stop much at all because of how much there was to climb. The last break we had was at the caves. So I drank a lot of water, even leading to a third bottle, as I took four bottles of water with me. I was so thirsty. We rested here for two hours before we were energised to go down on our skis to the bottom, and we went back to the hotel at one in the morning before I slept hard. Then I headed back to America the next day to do my favourite NASCAR track where I'm undefeated at, Atlanta Motor Speedway.