04-18-2020, 11:56 PM
[Disappointment is something I have experienced and felt far too many times. It does hurt every time I come up short in a wrestling match. It hurts more when those that I do have respect for are involved in that disappointment. But it hurt me most a few years ago when my own daughter would just resist everything that Martha and I were helping her to accomplish. Sarah Vixen has grown a lot over the past four years, but it wasn't easy. She has always been very nice and caring to others outside our walls, but inside if she didn't want to do something, we would just be met with resistance all the time. It got so bad that we just had to go for intervention and have our own daughter evaluated to see if maybe, perhaps maybe, there were some interior issues. As it turns out, we found out that was indeed the case...]
DATE: Monday, May 16, 2016
TIME: 10:00 AM
CITY: Albany, New York
LOCATION: Neurologist's Office
[This is NOT the way I wanted to spend this morning, nor any other morning. I'm supposed to be at work, but I had to take time off in order to be in attendance to see my daughter get evaluated. I am already antsy, as is Martha, that we are in a room with a machine, but the doctor has already seen us for the first time and stated it was just to get images and to also get inside Sarah's mind to see what she is thinking. Sarah, for whatever reason, seems extremely nonchalant. It's almost like she doesn't care, and that she is off in some other world. We have seen this behavior, more times than I count, more times than necessary honestly.]
Neurologist:
"Alright Sarah, can you please get up on the table so we can get started?"
Sarah:
"Can I bring my dolly up there? If not, I'm not doing it!"
Martha:
"Sarah dear, please listen to the doctor. This needs to get done."
Sarah:
"No. Can you please be this dolly instead?"
Martha:
"Not right now. Table please so you can be checked."
Sarah:
"But can you name this dolly mom? Can you be her?"
Martha:
"Not right now."
[This is a normal everyday occurrence and all I find myself doing is rolling my eyes. I'm tired of rolling my eyes. I'm tired of our little girl misbehaving and ignoring us on purpose. It is what has brought us here, to maybe see if there is indeed something that is impeding her from listening and being the good girl we know she can be. Sarah grunts, another normality, but finally does get up on the table, though with the doll that she has in her hands. She continues babbling about the doll, when the doctor turns to Martha and myself.]
Neurologist:
"Alright Sarah, you'll have to give that doll over to your mom and dad for now."
Sarah:
"But I... don't... WANT TO! It's MY dolly and you can't take her!"
Martha:
"Sarah please, just please give me the doll. This needs to be done."
[Again we are met with resistance. Gee, what a surprise. I am so over this. I just stand up, go to the table and take the doll from her. She whimpers, but I tell her as kindly as I can something that she probably wants to hear.]
Jay:
"Mom and I will take good care of her. We won't be going anywhere. We will be right here. Okay?"
Sarah:
"Okay."
[She looks really disappointed, but with her episodes, I think she even knows that she should be disappointed in herself. Grunting again she hands me the toll and lays down on the provided pillows. The doctor starts up the machine after Sarah is strapped in, you know so she doesn't just get up off the table. That would be obviously counter-productive. I turn to Martha and see that she has turned to be. We are both nervous, but we both want what is best for our daughter. We want her to grow up and not keep acting like she is two years old for the rest of her life. And so we watch as the machine does take quite a number of pictures, before the machine stops with Sarah completely inside.]
[It's at this juncture that the neurologist comes over to us and whispers.]
Neurologist:
"Alright Mr. and Mrs. Gold, I hate to do this but at this point we can't have anyone else in the room except your daughter and myself. It's the sleep portion of the test. She'll be fine."
Jay:
"Alright."
[We both stand up and quietly leave the room, Martha gripping my right hand tightly with her left. Once we are out of the room and the door is closed we head back up front to the waiting room. Even though there are a few other patrons in the waiting room, Martha lays her head on my right shoulder as soon as we are both sitting in chairs.]
Martha:
"I can't lie Jay. I'm worried about her. I know we've both been tough on her because she has never seemed to listen to us, but I'm worried that there is something there that just cannot be cured. You remember what I went through as a teen?"
Jay:
"I'm sure it's nothing like that. If anything there must be something that's just blocking her from paying attention."
Martha:
"Attention Deficit Disorder. That's one of my biggest fears. I hope that's not it. I mean she will still be able to grow up and learn and whatnot, but she will always have this thing of not listening. It will always impede her."
Jay:
"I know. There is nothing we can do about it right now. Let's just wait and see what the results are. Though I doubt we will know today."
[She picks her head up off my shoulder and sighs.]
Martha:
"Yeah I know. These things always take time."
Jay:
"Unfortunately. Hopefully things will look brighter on the other side. At least we are both here for her."
Martha:
"And always will be."
[I nod. And now we wait... For quite some now we have waited out here until finally the door opens and Sarah comes out and races for us, hugging mommy's leg, which has almost always been her first instinct. The neurologist stands by the door and motions to me to come in. Martha waits in the waiting room with Sarah.]
Neurologist:
"I don't have all the results obviously, not this fast."
Jay:
"I figured that."
Neurologist:
"But at first look I'm a bit disturbed by what I witnessed during the sleep portion of the test. There were a couple of abnormalities in the sleep pattern, as you can see here on the chart."
[He shows me the chart and I do see the two waves of activity. Now we both show a worried look.]
Neurologist:
"I have seen this in patients before. We will have to run more tests over the next few months. First we will have to wait for the results of this one."
Jay:
"My wife and I are really concerned that our daughter has ADD. Is there a chance of that?"
Neurologist:
"Yes. Something like that isn't really curable, but she will still be able to function. You will just have to try harder to get her attention when things need to get done. Same with school I'm afraid."
Jay:
"Her first grade teacher has alerted us several times this year, as did her kindergarten teacher last year. She won't even go to the bathroom when she gets so distracted by something."
Neurologist:
"It's very tough Mr. Gold, but she will likely grow out of that. The best medicine for now is to perhaps limit her interaction with the television and other things that might distract her when that needs to happen."
Jay:
"Alright. I guess I should speak with the receptionist about the next test date?"
Neurologist:
"Correct. I'll see you again soon. And tell your wife not to worry. We'll do what we can for your daughter."
Jay:
"Thank you doctor."
[I show myself back out as I'm sure he has other patients to be getting to. The moment I am back in the waiting room...]
Sarah:
"Daddy! What's wrong daddy?"
Jay:
"Please calm down Sarah. We need to get going."
[Again a grunt, but it washes away quickly as she goes back to paying attention to the doll that she once again has. The three of us exit the office, with Martha and I knowing we will be back, many more times than just this once.]
DATE: Friday, April 17, 2020
TIME: 9:01 PM
CITY: New Orleans, Louisiana
LOCATION: Bourbon Street
[This is just unimaginable. Here we are in the warmer Spring months and there is absolutely no one around out here. While it is true that Mardi Gras was a couple months ago and it did happen, usually this street would be crawling with partiers of all kinds throughout the year. But this... this is just a ghost town tonight thanks to all that is going on. In two nights from now though that won't be the case at the Smoothie King Center. We will have a crowd like we have been having and they will no doubt voice their opinions every second of the way on the night of Cold Blooded, just like they always do, just like they always have, and just like they always will. I just pray that not a single one of them gets sick. That's right, contrary to many people's beliefs, I am not a selfish person. I am not a Sienna Swann, or a Chris Cannon, or a Siren, or a Glory Braddock. I have ALWAYS marched to the beat of my own drum. It's just that now in 2020 I see I need to change the beat... to avoid disappointment after disappointment. I can't do this alone.]
Jay:
"I hate to bother her, but I know Selena is busy with Asher and Glory. I can't call her for now."
[I sigh before dialing the familiar phone number of my cousin Stacy. It rings twice before I hear her Texan twang.]
Stacy:
"Hey Jay. This is kinda a surprise. Somethin' wrong?"
Jay:
"Yes actually. I can't do this alone, and I don't want to bother my wife and daughter with this amidst the health crisis. Besides Martha is way out of wrestling practice."
Stacy:
"I see. I kinda have been watchin' and have seen that yer missin' a few steps. It's like yer heart is into it and all, but yer havin' the same issues I was, unable to get ovuh the hump and get those wins. Trust me, it got to me too. I'll help ya out as much as I can Jay but I might not be the one you should be confidin' in. I'm far from the best. Heck yer better than me."
Jay:
"Thanks Stacy, but right now I'm rattled. SCW 2020 is just... disappointing, in so many ways. I was just wondering if maybe, possibly, we could meet for a few sparring sessions at least? You know, despite with everything going on?"
[She doesn't respond right away, meaning she is likely thinking about it.]
Stacy:
"Okay. I mean I haven't been wrestling much either ever since I left due to getting pregnant. Craig and I spar for fun once in a while when we get the chance. He pretty much always wins. He's so strong, but I'm fine with it. He knows I love him more than anything else."
[I'm sure she is blushing on the other end of the phone.]
Stacy:
"Ya know, maybe Craig can help ya out. I'll ask him. In the meantime, good luck on Sunday. And about Shilo, he really is just all about entertainment. Don't know why he's goin' after Blackbourne, but I guess it is what it is."
Jay:
"Well, he got involved in our match. You know very well that I don't like that brand of quote on quote "entertainment" Stacy. I'll take it from you though. You do know him. I was already out the door at that point."
Stacy:
"Yeah, but there is only so much I can say about him. Don't take my word for it Jay. I'm sure you'll be fine on yer own."
Jay:
"Um, that hasn't been working for me. I'm to the point where if I'm not successful Sunday night, I'm going to ask Sasha to put me down to the bottom of the roster, and start me as a rookie."
[There is a slight pause, before I hear her again. This time her voice is as soft as I have probably ever heard it.]
Stacy:
"Hey. Please don't disrespect yerself Jay. Don't get too hard on yerself. You've got this. You'll figure it all out and be able to BOTH help the SCW thrive and have the success that you want."
[I heavily breathe and sigh.]
Jay:
"I hope so Stacy. I hope so. Because what I've seen the bright future of SCW endure? It's ugly and will only lower SCW's standards further than they have already dropped."
[Now I hear her sigh before she tells me her goodbye.]
Stacy:
"It really is sad how some people are. Listen Jay, I'm sorry, I have to go. My little one is getting up from his nap."
Jay:
"Okay. Thanks Stacy. Hopefully I'll see you soon."
Stacy:
"Sure. Bye Jay."
Jay:
"Bye."
[I end the call on my cell phone and sigh again. Despite what she just told me, if I lose on Sunday night, I think I SHOULD have to start again from the bottom, just like I did back in 2003. So for me, Sunday night is everything. Sunday night is really my last chance to help shape SCW's future into all positives, instead of all the negatives that so many others are trying to enforce upon the rest of us, just because they feel like they can.]
[With this all weighing heavily on my mind, it really is time to let the whole world know where my head is at going into this weekend. And while my heart IS in the right place, my head? It's clear that is a different story. But tomorrow though. Right now all this heavy weight is exhausting me. Sleep is calling my name.]
DATE: Saturday, April 18, 2020
TIME: 3:13 PM
CITY: New Orleans, Louisiana
LOCATION: Louis Armstrong Park
[I woke up very late today, in the afternoon in fact. I can't remember what time, but it does not matter. It just shows how flooded my mind has been as of late. I wasn't able to sleep last night, caught myself tossing and turning several times. Tomorrow night truly might be everything, and already I have heard the words and have seen the actions that others are willing to take in order to catapult themselves to victory. Well, now it's my turn. I know that tomorrow night I can't hold back, not even for a single nano-second. If I do, any of my three opponents could easily put me down. My cracks have long since shown, and I need to sew them up. That task really starts right now, right at this very moment, right here in this park which is quite dormant.]
[I drop onto the ground and do a set of 20 pushups in order to begin to get myself pumped. Exercising outdoors is definitely a bit refreshing, especially considering how the world currently is. After these I get back up for a breather. I do feel a little better, but not much. Right now I can't put it off any further, so here goes for the world...]
Jay:
"I know that I'm being viewed overall as a disappointment. And I know many out there probably believe I have no place in this fatal four-way match tomorrow night against Aaron Blackbourne, who just beat me... Datura, who already holds a victory over me from back in the Trios Tournament... and Shilo Valiant who is a Hall of Famer in his own right. The only reason for why I am here in this position is because Shilo chose to interject himself when I was facing Aaron. Shilo clearly wants Aaron to be more entertaining. Same with you Datura. Shilo is probably just considering me as collateral damage, as being the man that just happened to be taking on Aaron Blackbourne at the time. I took exception to his brand of "entertainment" and let him know it. There is nothing wrong with what I did. I wasn't trying to muscle my way into this match that had already developed. Apparently Sasha wanted to just add me in. That's not my fault. So Datura, I'll say this directly to you. Blame Shilo for why I'm here, because it's the truth. The truth does hurt, and believe you may, I know that. The truth that I have been having issues being victorious for quite some time now does hurt. I have been rocked to my core here in this 2020 SCW. But it is like I've said, I don't like some of this 2020 SCW. It's not you. It's not Aaron. And hell it's not even Shilo, as I can handle people that want to get involved in matches that they shouldn't be getting themselves involved in. I've done that countless times in the past, so honestly, Shilo's hi-jinks don't bother me like they seem to bother you and Aaron. My advice here to both you and Aaron? Take it in stride, laugh it off, and kick his ass. That's what I'm planning to do tomorrow night... whether or not people believe I belong in this affair or not."
[I take a breath and look around, making sure no one is close to me. No one is. I can only see other people in the distance, wearing their masks, trying their best to carry on with their lives, just like I am. I sigh and continue with my thoughts.]
Jay:
"Datura, this affair, contrary to what you believe, is NOT about the past. Yes, my past victories, they happened. Great. I want to also be successful NOW. I didn't come back to dredge up the history of SCW. I want to assist with the good parts of the FUTURE of SCW, to help make SCW far better than what it is now. Do I want success? Yes. Of course I do! I don't want to be deemed a failure by my peers, or my wife, or worse... my daughter. She wanted me to come back SO BAD, to see her father wrestle, because she too is actually interested in our sport. I actually do hope by watching what is going on that she sees that it's not all unicorns and rainbows. It's a cruel, harsh world... in more ways than one. You Datura sure can understand that. I understand that. Aaron understands that. And Shilo is the one of us that differs, as he tries to choose to ignore it by introducing his brand of entertainment into everything he does... even when he's not funny."
"Anyways Datura, I don't want you to worry about drawing blood from me tomorrow night. It's not like I'm going to die at your hands. I already know that you are going to be too focused on Aaron and Shilo, and I don't blame you. I'm going to let you do what you're going to do. My interest in this match is showing the world that I CAN still do this. I CAN still be successful. And that I'm not going to allow people like Shilo Valiant to try to break anyone down. So finally to you Datura, I'm sorry if you think I'm in the way. But the only thing I'm barring you from getting is a victory that I need now more than anything!"
[My heart beats stronger and faster now.]
Jay:
"You heard me Shilo. Unlike against Selna, and unlike against Aaron, I'm not going to hesitate this time. If I see that opportunity to get the victory, I am going to step up, reach out, and grab it! Quite honestly the crowd needs something to be stunned about and to cheer about in these rough times. They need something to clap their hands over, and no, not to your brand of entertainment. Back in the day some of it was funny, back when you actually wrestled to go along with it that is. Now though it's clear you're not interested in wrestling. You're more interested in getting inside peoples' heads and derailing them from doing what they love. You tried to put Datura on the shelf... and failed. You've been trying to make Aaron's 2020 a whirlwind of failure... and you will fail on that. And tomorrow night, when you're in there against Aaron, Datura, and myself... you will fail then too."
"It just makes me shake my head, you know? All of us Hall of Famers returning, yet I'm the ONLY one that wants to do SCW some good. You Shilo just want to be a menace, and Matt Hodges... well, it's clear he's never changed. But here's the thing. In the end, menaces are just those... menaces. In the end, those never win. Tomorrow night the same will ring true, even if you DON'T deem it as entertaining. The three of us that you're up against though? We don't care what you want. We all want to get a piece of you and take you out."
[I close my eyes for a few brief moments before opening them.]
Jay:
"Which brings me to you Aaron. You were able to take me down a couple weeks ago, and as you could tell after the bell when I got up, I was disappointed. I was frustrated. Out of respect for the youth of SCW, I gave you your props, as they were much deserved. You did what you wanted to do as you were just that bit more motivated to get the job done. You beat me and that's that. Now though the tables are turned. I'm sure you can understand that out of the four of us, I NEED this win."
"Do I sound selfish right now? Yes. But I do need it. If I don't put my nose to the grindstone, fight to the best of my ability, and come out on top in the end, I really don't deserve to be in a match of this caliber... at least not until I am ready for it. Tomorrow night though, I am making sure that I am READY for you Aaron, and READY for Datura, and READY for Shilo. In the end I want to show the entire world and the current roster that I can still be more than just competitive, but that I can also be an asset for this company, and an asset in dealing with those who just believe they can be here just to stir up drama and beg and cry for what they want! Right now, recently, I've been a detriment. Something I don't EVER want to be! That doesn't even end tomorrow night at Cold Blooded. It ends RIGHT NOW! You Aaron want to get creative. Shilo wants to continue being entertaining. And Datura wants to get Shilo's hide."
"The real question is, what does Jay Gold want? You and several before you Aaron have already said it. I'm deemed a wild card yet again, which is something I don't want to be. I am here to help usher in SCW's Golden Years, and get it out of the current Dark Ages it is in. Look around Aaron... those whom are most successful are those who play the most games, try to make the most deals, and those who manipulate, cry, beg, and steal to get whatever they want! I hope Aaron that you never become like that, after seeing all that has taken place. Because I sure as hell damn won't! I can be counted on to do nothing but help the deserving future of SCW, and yes, I DO consider you as one of that future. But I want you to understand this. If I don't win tomorrow night, I don't think I will be able to help you, at least not right now. So I'm sorry if you end up getting my wrath, instead of Shilo or Datura receiving it. If that happens, just remember that I'm not doing it for selfish reasons. I'm doing it because my wife and daughter want to see me succeed. I'm doing it because the fans want to see me succeed. I'm doing it for so many GOOD reasons. Starting right now, I can guarantee you one thing Aaron... NO ONE will forget what they see from me here in New Orleans tomorrow night. No one."
"As far as Datura and Shilo go, if one of you takes the brunt end of my wrath, it'll be deserved, and it will do that little bit of help to usher in the Golden Years of SCW. It will help breathe a little bit of life in as others try to suck that life out. I however won't let SCW die, no matter what my role becomes after Cold Blooded is over. If I have to work even harder to gain that success I desire, I will! In the end I will NOT be what all three of you are probably already deeming me to be... a disappointment. If me getting the victory against the three of you disappoints the lot of you, then so be it. The point will be that I will have earned that Golden Moment, just like how I want SCW to earn nothing but a bright future."
[With a nod it's time for me to get back to work. There is so much work to do. The disappointment I have endured weighs heavily on my mind, but my cousin Stacy Kissinger is right. In the end I can do it. I HAVE to do it.]
DATE: Monday, May 16, 2016
TIME: 10:00 AM
CITY: Albany, New York
LOCATION: Neurologist's Office
[This is NOT the way I wanted to spend this morning, nor any other morning. I'm supposed to be at work, but I had to take time off in order to be in attendance to see my daughter get evaluated. I am already antsy, as is Martha, that we are in a room with a machine, but the doctor has already seen us for the first time and stated it was just to get images and to also get inside Sarah's mind to see what she is thinking. Sarah, for whatever reason, seems extremely nonchalant. It's almost like she doesn't care, and that she is off in some other world. We have seen this behavior, more times than I count, more times than necessary honestly.]
Neurologist:
"Alright Sarah, can you please get up on the table so we can get started?"
Sarah:
"Can I bring my dolly up there? If not, I'm not doing it!"
Martha:
"Sarah dear, please listen to the doctor. This needs to get done."
Sarah:
"No. Can you please be this dolly instead?"
Martha:
"Not right now. Table please so you can be checked."
Sarah:
"But can you name this dolly mom? Can you be her?"
Martha:
"Not right now."
[This is a normal everyday occurrence and all I find myself doing is rolling my eyes. I'm tired of rolling my eyes. I'm tired of our little girl misbehaving and ignoring us on purpose. It is what has brought us here, to maybe see if there is indeed something that is impeding her from listening and being the good girl we know she can be. Sarah grunts, another normality, but finally does get up on the table, though with the doll that she has in her hands. She continues babbling about the doll, when the doctor turns to Martha and myself.]
Neurologist:
"Alright Sarah, you'll have to give that doll over to your mom and dad for now."
Sarah:
"But I... don't... WANT TO! It's MY dolly and you can't take her!"
Martha:
"Sarah please, just please give me the doll. This needs to be done."
[Again we are met with resistance. Gee, what a surprise. I am so over this. I just stand up, go to the table and take the doll from her. She whimpers, but I tell her as kindly as I can something that she probably wants to hear.]
Jay:
"Mom and I will take good care of her. We won't be going anywhere. We will be right here. Okay?"
Sarah:
"Okay."
[She looks really disappointed, but with her episodes, I think she even knows that she should be disappointed in herself. Grunting again she hands me the toll and lays down on the provided pillows. The doctor starts up the machine after Sarah is strapped in, you know so she doesn't just get up off the table. That would be obviously counter-productive. I turn to Martha and see that she has turned to be. We are both nervous, but we both want what is best for our daughter. We want her to grow up and not keep acting like she is two years old for the rest of her life. And so we watch as the machine does take quite a number of pictures, before the machine stops with Sarah completely inside.]
[It's at this juncture that the neurologist comes over to us and whispers.]
Neurologist:
"Alright Mr. and Mrs. Gold, I hate to do this but at this point we can't have anyone else in the room except your daughter and myself. It's the sleep portion of the test. She'll be fine."
Jay:
"Alright."
[We both stand up and quietly leave the room, Martha gripping my right hand tightly with her left. Once we are out of the room and the door is closed we head back up front to the waiting room. Even though there are a few other patrons in the waiting room, Martha lays her head on my right shoulder as soon as we are both sitting in chairs.]
Martha:
"I can't lie Jay. I'm worried about her. I know we've both been tough on her because she has never seemed to listen to us, but I'm worried that there is something there that just cannot be cured. You remember what I went through as a teen?"
Jay:
"I'm sure it's nothing like that. If anything there must be something that's just blocking her from paying attention."
Martha:
"Attention Deficit Disorder. That's one of my biggest fears. I hope that's not it. I mean she will still be able to grow up and learn and whatnot, but she will always have this thing of not listening. It will always impede her."
Jay:
"I know. There is nothing we can do about it right now. Let's just wait and see what the results are. Though I doubt we will know today."
[She picks her head up off my shoulder and sighs.]
Martha:
"Yeah I know. These things always take time."
Jay:
"Unfortunately. Hopefully things will look brighter on the other side. At least we are both here for her."
Martha:
"And always will be."
[I nod. And now we wait... For quite some now we have waited out here until finally the door opens and Sarah comes out and races for us, hugging mommy's leg, which has almost always been her first instinct. The neurologist stands by the door and motions to me to come in. Martha waits in the waiting room with Sarah.]
Neurologist:
"I don't have all the results obviously, not this fast."
Jay:
"I figured that."
Neurologist:
"But at first look I'm a bit disturbed by what I witnessed during the sleep portion of the test. There were a couple of abnormalities in the sleep pattern, as you can see here on the chart."
[He shows me the chart and I do see the two waves of activity. Now we both show a worried look.]
Neurologist:
"I have seen this in patients before. We will have to run more tests over the next few months. First we will have to wait for the results of this one."
Jay:
"My wife and I are really concerned that our daughter has ADD. Is there a chance of that?"
Neurologist:
"Yes. Something like that isn't really curable, but she will still be able to function. You will just have to try harder to get her attention when things need to get done. Same with school I'm afraid."
Jay:
"Her first grade teacher has alerted us several times this year, as did her kindergarten teacher last year. She won't even go to the bathroom when she gets so distracted by something."
Neurologist:
"It's very tough Mr. Gold, but she will likely grow out of that. The best medicine for now is to perhaps limit her interaction with the television and other things that might distract her when that needs to happen."
Jay:
"Alright. I guess I should speak with the receptionist about the next test date?"
Neurologist:
"Correct. I'll see you again soon. And tell your wife not to worry. We'll do what we can for your daughter."
Jay:
"Thank you doctor."
[I show myself back out as I'm sure he has other patients to be getting to. The moment I am back in the waiting room...]
Sarah:
"Daddy! What's wrong daddy?"
Jay:
"Please calm down Sarah. We need to get going."
[Again a grunt, but it washes away quickly as she goes back to paying attention to the doll that she once again has. The three of us exit the office, with Martha and I knowing we will be back, many more times than just this once.]
DATE: Friday, April 17, 2020
TIME: 9:01 PM
CITY: New Orleans, Louisiana
LOCATION: Bourbon Street
[This is just unimaginable. Here we are in the warmer Spring months and there is absolutely no one around out here. While it is true that Mardi Gras was a couple months ago and it did happen, usually this street would be crawling with partiers of all kinds throughout the year. But this... this is just a ghost town tonight thanks to all that is going on. In two nights from now though that won't be the case at the Smoothie King Center. We will have a crowd like we have been having and they will no doubt voice their opinions every second of the way on the night of Cold Blooded, just like they always do, just like they always have, and just like they always will. I just pray that not a single one of them gets sick. That's right, contrary to many people's beliefs, I am not a selfish person. I am not a Sienna Swann, or a Chris Cannon, or a Siren, or a Glory Braddock. I have ALWAYS marched to the beat of my own drum. It's just that now in 2020 I see I need to change the beat... to avoid disappointment after disappointment. I can't do this alone.]
Jay:
"I hate to bother her, but I know Selena is busy with Asher and Glory. I can't call her for now."
[I sigh before dialing the familiar phone number of my cousin Stacy. It rings twice before I hear her Texan twang.]
Stacy:
"Hey Jay. This is kinda a surprise. Somethin' wrong?"
Jay:
"Yes actually. I can't do this alone, and I don't want to bother my wife and daughter with this amidst the health crisis. Besides Martha is way out of wrestling practice."
Stacy:
"I see. I kinda have been watchin' and have seen that yer missin' a few steps. It's like yer heart is into it and all, but yer havin' the same issues I was, unable to get ovuh the hump and get those wins. Trust me, it got to me too. I'll help ya out as much as I can Jay but I might not be the one you should be confidin' in. I'm far from the best. Heck yer better than me."
Jay:
"Thanks Stacy, but right now I'm rattled. SCW 2020 is just... disappointing, in so many ways. I was just wondering if maybe, possibly, we could meet for a few sparring sessions at least? You know, despite with everything going on?"
[She doesn't respond right away, meaning she is likely thinking about it.]
Stacy:
"Okay. I mean I haven't been wrestling much either ever since I left due to getting pregnant. Craig and I spar for fun once in a while when we get the chance. He pretty much always wins. He's so strong, but I'm fine with it. He knows I love him more than anything else."
[I'm sure she is blushing on the other end of the phone.]
Stacy:
"Ya know, maybe Craig can help ya out. I'll ask him. In the meantime, good luck on Sunday. And about Shilo, he really is just all about entertainment. Don't know why he's goin' after Blackbourne, but I guess it is what it is."
Jay:
"Well, he got involved in our match. You know very well that I don't like that brand of quote on quote "entertainment" Stacy. I'll take it from you though. You do know him. I was already out the door at that point."
Stacy:
"Yeah, but there is only so much I can say about him. Don't take my word for it Jay. I'm sure you'll be fine on yer own."
Jay:
"Um, that hasn't been working for me. I'm to the point where if I'm not successful Sunday night, I'm going to ask Sasha to put me down to the bottom of the roster, and start me as a rookie."
[There is a slight pause, before I hear her again. This time her voice is as soft as I have probably ever heard it.]
Stacy:
"Hey. Please don't disrespect yerself Jay. Don't get too hard on yerself. You've got this. You'll figure it all out and be able to BOTH help the SCW thrive and have the success that you want."
[I heavily breathe and sigh.]
Jay:
"I hope so Stacy. I hope so. Because what I've seen the bright future of SCW endure? It's ugly and will only lower SCW's standards further than they have already dropped."
[Now I hear her sigh before she tells me her goodbye.]
Stacy:
"It really is sad how some people are. Listen Jay, I'm sorry, I have to go. My little one is getting up from his nap."
Jay:
"Okay. Thanks Stacy. Hopefully I'll see you soon."
Stacy:
"Sure. Bye Jay."
Jay:
"Bye."
[I end the call on my cell phone and sigh again. Despite what she just told me, if I lose on Sunday night, I think I SHOULD have to start again from the bottom, just like I did back in 2003. So for me, Sunday night is everything. Sunday night is really my last chance to help shape SCW's future into all positives, instead of all the negatives that so many others are trying to enforce upon the rest of us, just because they feel like they can.]
[With this all weighing heavily on my mind, it really is time to let the whole world know where my head is at going into this weekend. And while my heart IS in the right place, my head? It's clear that is a different story. But tomorrow though. Right now all this heavy weight is exhausting me. Sleep is calling my name.]
DATE: Saturday, April 18, 2020
TIME: 3:13 PM
CITY: New Orleans, Louisiana
LOCATION: Louis Armstrong Park
[I woke up very late today, in the afternoon in fact. I can't remember what time, but it does not matter. It just shows how flooded my mind has been as of late. I wasn't able to sleep last night, caught myself tossing and turning several times. Tomorrow night truly might be everything, and already I have heard the words and have seen the actions that others are willing to take in order to catapult themselves to victory. Well, now it's my turn. I know that tomorrow night I can't hold back, not even for a single nano-second. If I do, any of my three opponents could easily put me down. My cracks have long since shown, and I need to sew them up. That task really starts right now, right at this very moment, right here in this park which is quite dormant.]
[I drop onto the ground and do a set of 20 pushups in order to begin to get myself pumped. Exercising outdoors is definitely a bit refreshing, especially considering how the world currently is. After these I get back up for a breather. I do feel a little better, but not much. Right now I can't put it off any further, so here goes for the world...]
Jay:
"I know that I'm being viewed overall as a disappointment. And I know many out there probably believe I have no place in this fatal four-way match tomorrow night against Aaron Blackbourne, who just beat me... Datura, who already holds a victory over me from back in the Trios Tournament... and Shilo Valiant who is a Hall of Famer in his own right. The only reason for why I am here in this position is because Shilo chose to interject himself when I was facing Aaron. Shilo clearly wants Aaron to be more entertaining. Same with you Datura. Shilo is probably just considering me as collateral damage, as being the man that just happened to be taking on Aaron Blackbourne at the time. I took exception to his brand of "entertainment" and let him know it. There is nothing wrong with what I did. I wasn't trying to muscle my way into this match that had already developed. Apparently Sasha wanted to just add me in. That's not my fault. So Datura, I'll say this directly to you. Blame Shilo for why I'm here, because it's the truth. The truth does hurt, and believe you may, I know that. The truth that I have been having issues being victorious for quite some time now does hurt. I have been rocked to my core here in this 2020 SCW. But it is like I've said, I don't like some of this 2020 SCW. It's not you. It's not Aaron. And hell it's not even Shilo, as I can handle people that want to get involved in matches that they shouldn't be getting themselves involved in. I've done that countless times in the past, so honestly, Shilo's hi-jinks don't bother me like they seem to bother you and Aaron. My advice here to both you and Aaron? Take it in stride, laugh it off, and kick his ass. That's what I'm planning to do tomorrow night... whether or not people believe I belong in this affair or not."
[I take a breath and look around, making sure no one is close to me. No one is. I can only see other people in the distance, wearing their masks, trying their best to carry on with their lives, just like I am. I sigh and continue with my thoughts.]
Jay:
"Datura, this affair, contrary to what you believe, is NOT about the past. Yes, my past victories, they happened. Great. I want to also be successful NOW. I didn't come back to dredge up the history of SCW. I want to assist with the good parts of the FUTURE of SCW, to help make SCW far better than what it is now. Do I want success? Yes. Of course I do! I don't want to be deemed a failure by my peers, or my wife, or worse... my daughter. She wanted me to come back SO BAD, to see her father wrestle, because she too is actually interested in our sport. I actually do hope by watching what is going on that she sees that it's not all unicorns and rainbows. It's a cruel, harsh world... in more ways than one. You Datura sure can understand that. I understand that. Aaron understands that. And Shilo is the one of us that differs, as he tries to choose to ignore it by introducing his brand of entertainment into everything he does... even when he's not funny."
"Anyways Datura, I don't want you to worry about drawing blood from me tomorrow night. It's not like I'm going to die at your hands. I already know that you are going to be too focused on Aaron and Shilo, and I don't blame you. I'm going to let you do what you're going to do. My interest in this match is showing the world that I CAN still do this. I CAN still be successful. And that I'm not going to allow people like Shilo Valiant to try to break anyone down. So finally to you Datura, I'm sorry if you think I'm in the way. But the only thing I'm barring you from getting is a victory that I need now more than anything!"
[My heart beats stronger and faster now.]
Jay:
"You heard me Shilo. Unlike against Selna, and unlike against Aaron, I'm not going to hesitate this time. If I see that opportunity to get the victory, I am going to step up, reach out, and grab it! Quite honestly the crowd needs something to be stunned about and to cheer about in these rough times. They need something to clap their hands over, and no, not to your brand of entertainment. Back in the day some of it was funny, back when you actually wrestled to go along with it that is. Now though it's clear you're not interested in wrestling. You're more interested in getting inside peoples' heads and derailing them from doing what they love. You tried to put Datura on the shelf... and failed. You've been trying to make Aaron's 2020 a whirlwind of failure... and you will fail on that. And tomorrow night, when you're in there against Aaron, Datura, and myself... you will fail then too."
"It just makes me shake my head, you know? All of us Hall of Famers returning, yet I'm the ONLY one that wants to do SCW some good. You Shilo just want to be a menace, and Matt Hodges... well, it's clear he's never changed. But here's the thing. In the end, menaces are just those... menaces. In the end, those never win. Tomorrow night the same will ring true, even if you DON'T deem it as entertaining. The three of us that you're up against though? We don't care what you want. We all want to get a piece of you and take you out."
[I close my eyes for a few brief moments before opening them.]
Jay:
"Which brings me to you Aaron. You were able to take me down a couple weeks ago, and as you could tell after the bell when I got up, I was disappointed. I was frustrated. Out of respect for the youth of SCW, I gave you your props, as they were much deserved. You did what you wanted to do as you were just that bit more motivated to get the job done. You beat me and that's that. Now though the tables are turned. I'm sure you can understand that out of the four of us, I NEED this win."
"Do I sound selfish right now? Yes. But I do need it. If I don't put my nose to the grindstone, fight to the best of my ability, and come out on top in the end, I really don't deserve to be in a match of this caliber... at least not until I am ready for it. Tomorrow night though, I am making sure that I am READY for you Aaron, and READY for Datura, and READY for Shilo. In the end I want to show the entire world and the current roster that I can still be more than just competitive, but that I can also be an asset for this company, and an asset in dealing with those who just believe they can be here just to stir up drama and beg and cry for what they want! Right now, recently, I've been a detriment. Something I don't EVER want to be! That doesn't even end tomorrow night at Cold Blooded. It ends RIGHT NOW! You Aaron want to get creative. Shilo wants to continue being entertaining. And Datura wants to get Shilo's hide."
"The real question is, what does Jay Gold want? You and several before you Aaron have already said it. I'm deemed a wild card yet again, which is something I don't want to be. I am here to help usher in SCW's Golden Years, and get it out of the current Dark Ages it is in. Look around Aaron... those whom are most successful are those who play the most games, try to make the most deals, and those who manipulate, cry, beg, and steal to get whatever they want! I hope Aaron that you never become like that, after seeing all that has taken place. Because I sure as hell damn won't! I can be counted on to do nothing but help the deserving future of SCW, and yes, I DO consider you as one of that future. But I want you to understand this. If I don't win tomorrow night, I don't think I will be able to help you, at least not right now. So I'm sorry if you end up getting my wrath, instead of Shilo or Datura receiving it. If that happens, just remember that I'm not doing it for selfish reasons. I'm doing it because my wife and daughter want to see me succeed. I'm doing it because the fans want to see me succeed. I'm doing it for so many GOOD reasons. Starting right now, I can guarantee you one thing Aaron... NO ONE will forget what they see from me here in New Orleans tomorrow night. No one."
"As far as Datura and Shilo go, if one of you takes the brunt end of my wrath, it'll be deserved, and it will do that little bit of help to usher in the Golden Years of SCW. It will help breathe a little bit of life in as others try to suck that life out. I however won't let SCW die, no matter what my role becomes after Cold Blooded is over. If I have to work even harder to gain that success I desire, I will! In the end I will NOT be what all three of you are probably already deeming me to be... a disappointment. If me getting the victory against the three of you disappoints the lot of you, then so be it. The point will be that I will have earned that Golden Moment, just like how I want SCW to earn nothing but a bright future."
[With a nod it's time for me to get back to work. There is so much work to do. The disappointment I have endured weighs heavily on my mind, but my cousin Stacy Kissinger is right. In the end I can do it. I HAVE to do it.]