06-09-2019, 05:06 PM
I figure I can post this now lol...
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Life... Life is a cruel thing. It's something we have all taken for granted at some point in our lives...
Beep.... Beep... Beep... Pshhhhh... Beep... Pshhhh...
Life is something that is always there for us, or so we think. We just assume we are going to wake up the next day. At least, most do. I know there are those who embrace death, like the elderly, for example. But there are those of us right in the middle and prime of our lives that just assume tomorrow will come, just like today, just like yesterday.
Beep... Beep Beep... Beep Beep... Beep Beep Beep Beep...
Woman: Hey... HEY! Can someone come in here please?!
... But that's not how life works, is it? Life isn't always as guaranteed as it could be. Like Thanos in the Avengers, with one "snap," it can all end for anyone. And that's exactly what happened to me...
Beeeeeeeeeep...
Doctor: Crash cart... GET THE CRASH CART!
Nurse: Here, sir!
Doctor: Alright, is everyone clear?
Doctor: Alright folks, clear!
I layed there for, probably for those in the room, probably what felt like hours. I wouldn't respond to CPR, I wouldn't respond to the AED, I wouldn't respond to anything. This whole time, I felt like I was watching it happen. I don't know if it was real, or if I've just heard people tell me, but I felt "out of body" the whole time. I remember the beeping. I remember seeing my wife in tears. I remember when the doctors were about to give up, my best friend yell, "I dfidn't fucking die on you, you better not die on me."
I remember it as if I saw it.
The last thing I remember was a glance out the window. A glance into the eyes of someone watching this horrific event through a plate glass window, having wanted to finally come see me after everything we had endured. And instead of finding me simply in a state of uncertainty, she found me literally dead on arrival. It was then, things get more blurry. Things get a little more extraordinary as the last thing I remember is my lifeless body having a hand reach out from inside and pull me back in. And that's when everything changed...
Nurse: Doctor he's gone...
Doctor: The hell he is... Keep going with CPR... Give him one more dose of Adrenaline... And I'm charging this one more time...
Nurse: Doctor, he...
Doctor: ONE... MORE... DOSE... STAT!
Nurse: Yessir...
Doctor: He's back... For now at least... Good job everyone...
And at that point, I was alive again. But for minutes, I was dead. I wasn't with this planet. I was off on some other journey through another plane of existence that, yes, did lead toward a light, from what I remember. It wasn't the stereotype. It was just a feeling of warmth. It was the closure of everything.n I remember looking up, and then back at my lifeless body. But it was those eyes. That look on the outside of the glass that told me my time here wasn't done. The craziest part of it all was that I swear she looked up at me hovering above myself and saw me in both my physical and ghostly self.
Do I know if that really happened, no. Again, all of this may be something my mind made up when it was devoid of oxygen. But my simple question is, how did I know she was there, then?
Shortly after the doctors got my heard pumping again, she ran off. Nobody in the room noticed her, and she wanted it that way. The only reason she stayed, after seeing my friends and family on the other side of the glass, was because I was dying in front of her eyes, and she felt responsible. Many in there would have potentially felt the same, and knowing that made her definitely not want to have that situation arise.
Now the big question... What happened? Why was I there? How did I get there? What's gone on in the milenia that has passed between posts? It's not something I'm going to hype up as a tale to be told. The past almost year has been one of the most difficult in my life. Friends... Family... My work life... Everything began to cave in around me as I tried to adjust to the realization that I wasn't happy doing anything. Everything suffered as I tried to blame one thing after another for my disdain for life, but myself. It was never my fault. To this day I don't know if I can say I have fully accepted any responsibility in the matter, or if it's still a work in progress, but what I do know is my path was crossed by someone who made me rethink everything I thought I held true...
Autumn: Helluva run there...
Jake Starr: Meh...
Jake Starr: ... He sets one bottle just slightly behind the other two. Throwing it sidearm gets the angle right to come in from the right trajectory... He also keeps trying to shift it a little further back and when he does so I move about an inch in the direction of the bottle he shifts. Basically just evens the odds...
Autumn: Huh... Never thought about that!
Jake Starr: I like to win, what can I say. I typically give half this crap away, anyway. It's more the thrill of the win, you know?
Autumn: No... I don't... I suck at these. My son is 3 and he's better at this shit than I am...
Jake Starr: Nah, not my daughter. She just EXPECTS me to have big stuffies ready for her when she's done riding whatever the hell it is she's riding now.
Autumn: You're not riding with her?
Jake Starr: Nah... Daddy isn't the biggest fan.
Autumn: Oh c'mon... Big guy like you? Scared of a roller coaster?
Jake Starr: More that someone my size usually doesn't always do well when his feet go above his head.
Autumn: Yet you do a lot of that flippy shit on TV?
Jake Starr: Yeah well that flippy shit doesn't make my balls feel like they're then in my throat.
The woman's laughter was pure. A stranger who had just struck up a conversation, knew who I was, and still just felt like she wanted to shoot the shit. She wasn't a "fan" but she knew who I was. The best part to me was, she didn't care. I didn't have to be that amped up persona that I took out in front of fans. I didn't have to be the guy who was the "leader of the pack" like I did around my enterage. I don't have to try and be the great husband like I do at home, questioning if I'm even happy there. Instead, I could just be me. I could just talk to someone for the sake of talking and carrying on a conversation. I didn't have to impress.
This was one of those moments for me I didn't expect to have. I expected to do my normal shtick at Adventureland, and just win shit, give it away, and watch others a lot more happy than I was. It was a feeling of comfort that I didn't get anywhere. It was something that felt good, and not even something my therapist would ever suggest. Hell, I probably wouldn't have ever asked if that would work, you know? It was a foreign concept. Fo once, I just felt like an average Joe again. There was also something different about this woman. The way she looked, the way she acted, the way she just talked to me like I was a nobody who somehow learned how to outrig the rigged games, she was special. At the time, I didn't realize how special, either.
Dissheveled Man: Stop...
For several months, I've laid dormant. For nearly a year, I've been a figment of everyone's imagination, including my own. Why? Because I've been in a darkness that nobody deserves to be in. I have walked through the valley in the shadow of death, and I have had the audacity to knock on Death's door. When he opened it, saw me looking him in the eyes, he asked if it was my turn. I told him I didn't care. I told him to tell me himself. And that was when he shut the door in my face.
So I walked on...
For more months I scoured my own mind and my own demons for answers. I wanted tranquility. I wanted peace. I wanted to be released from the darkness I created for myself. Nothing worked. Not... One... Thing... Instead, I fell deeper into darkness and realized that there was only one path for me, and it was back to Death's door, and this time it was my decision. Again, he slammed the door in my face. Again, I was denied peace of mind and a relief from the pain I was facing inside and out. But this time it wasn't without a final message from him... "Come back a third time, I end your journey before you do."
Those were powerful words for an apirition of existence which some may or may not believe in. The pain that it imparted in me, I will tell you, showed me that it was no joke, and no figment of my imagination. It was my reality. So when I woke up from that mistake, I left everything I had created. I left everything I had worked so hard to build. I left it all behind because it wasn't what I needed. What I needed were answers. I needed to find out who I was, why I was even still alive, and where I went from there. The days would turn to nights as I would sit alone, the weather taking its toll on my body as I just sat outside letting Mother Nature do her worst. Why? Because the me that changed the world, the me that rose from the ashes, the me that had been a mainstay in professional wrestling and in life in general felt dead to me, and I had to figure out who I was now... Because what I saw in the mirror, and what I see now, are shreds of who I was, let alone a human being in general... What I am now, is nothing. I'm a nobody. I'm a tired and wasted bag of existence searching for something that he may never find...
Or maybe... Just maybe...
Jake Starr: ... Maybe the path I forged by the decisions I made over the past almost year have led me to this moment, where I look you all in the eye once again...
... What? You act like you've seen a ghost. Arguably what many would say is SCW's "Ghost of Main Events Past." A man who is just a mockery of what he once was.
And you'd all be right.
I'm not here to tell the world this is the Second Coming of Christ. I'm not here to act like I've been biding my time. No. This isn't about that. This is about me saying, "fuck it, why not?" Taking Hold of the Flame is a night where the world can enter for a chance to be greedy. So why not just goi out there for greed's sake? Why not just take the opportunity everyone else is taking? It's something I haven't done. It won't make or break my legacy. And ultimately the fact that I'm there will simply make one or two people excited.
But I won't lie... I'm not there for a specticle. I'm not there for nostalgia. I'm not even there to win. The fact is I'm not a version of Jake Starr that Vegas would even bother running odds on. I'm a version of Jake Starr who doesn't even know if he can take a punch, right now.
I mean, look at me... I look like a fucking homeless man from the streets of some small town where they can't even find a way to make it panhandling. I'm a man who hasn't seen family, friends, or people who I can talk to in months. I don't fucking care, either. Nobody knows about this, but me. And why? Because every one of them things I'm crazy. Every one of them thinks I'll relapse. They'll think I'll be clinically dead for another period of time in my life, and none of them wat to see that. But here I am, being sucked back into the vortex of this business because of greed, and I don't care.
Why?
Because while I say it won't tarnish my legacy, it'll do a lot to make it even more LEGENDARY. And yeah, greed is playing a role. Everyone mocked me for being greedy. Everyone mocked me for being like Greg and demanding title shots. So fuck it, let's embrace it. I don't truly stand a snowball's chance in hell of magically appearing and winning like guys like Ace Marshall have, but in the end, I have the same odds. It's the same 1 in 4,254,221,544,444,878 that everyone has... Or however many entrants Mr. D decides to expand to this year. And yeah... There are favorites. There are those who have proven themselves as SCW's elite. I won't lie... I don't know who it is. I haven't turned on a TV in ages. I don't know who is in the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs, or what number baby Kim Kardashian is on. All I know is that there is always, and will always be, that upper echelon of SCW talent who ultimately shine through Taking Hold of the Flame.
So I may look like a mess. I may sound like a mess. I may have been the guy who, over the past several months tried to rid this world of his own existence, but i know the reality of the situation. The reality is if you want to be one of the big dogs of SCW, you have to earn it. You have to put your best foot forward. For me, I don't know my left from my right. All I know is one shoe has toes sticking out it. But I know that this sounds enjoyable, it sounds fun, and it sounds like something that I want to do. I'm not in it to win it. If I were to pull off the Miracle on 34th Street, then so be it, but Jake Starr hasn't smiled in almost a year. Jake Starr has been a man on Death's doorstep, practically BEGGING for entry for the past year. Jake Starr has been NOTHING for a year, and it's time I figure out who I am. So why not go to my roots? Why not test the waters? Why not go out there and know that I can maybe do something special?
Where's the harm?
Huh?
There aren't any expectations. Everyone's going to assume I'm walking in, saying hello, maybe knocking some nobody out ahead of me, and then getting eliminated myself. So truly, what is there to lose? I'm in the Hall of Fame. I've won countless SCW World Championships. I've done everything I can do but this, so if it happens, then you know what, my career is complete. If not, I STILL have the one achievement I set out for, and that was to be inducted by Tommy and David. But the reality is I have no friends in this. I'm not bringing backup. I'm not having some secret plan to give me an edge. Instead, I'm walking out there alone. I'm walking out there as Jake Starr. Not the "Social Misfit," not a member of the "Resurgence," not a man trying to restart his career.
Hell, this could be a one-off, let's be blunt...
I'm going out there, though, to simply enjoy myself. I want to feel the energy from the crowd again. I want to feel like I'm something bigger than what you see before you. I want the world to remember who I was and hope for that, when deep down, I know that person doesn't exist. So I'm ok if this is some run of nostalgia for some. But for me it's something much bigger. It's a chance to redefine myself. To prove to myself that I can overcome adversity.
And sure, that message sounds like everyone elses. But I'm not talking about the other superstars and being ablw to overcome whatever they throw my way. Instead it's personal redemption. It's a chance for me to simply exit the curtain under my own power, doing this just for me, and enjoying the moment as it comes. It's not about the big Jake Starr "redemption story." It's about me knowing that I put my family through hell, walked on Death's doorstep, and made the decision FOR ME to not give in. Taking Hold of the Flame isn't truly about the title match. It's about me showing myself I've overcome odds that I should have never endured. It's about me showing I can make the worst decisions in my life and walk out and instead of letting them haunt me, I overcome them.
It's not about a title... It's about taking control of my life!
You see, for once, I walk into Taking Hold of the Flame with a new mindset. A new outlook on life. It's not about wins a losses, titles or no titles, history or no history. It's about what I have inside to give to myself. Yeah, when I say I've never been selfish, people in SCW would laugh and mock me. But the fact is, the only time I was selfish, I ended up having to have a difibrulator used on me to jump start my heart. Tangible shit like title shorts isn't greed. It's achievement. People want achievement to feel vindicated for their work. For me, just knowing my music will play, and I will walk out of that curtain, that's my vinidication.
And for all of you in this match, don't you, for one FUCKING second, expect the same, old, Jake Starr, either. Why? Because I don't even know who that guy is anymore. He died on a table in a hospital in Des Moines. Who I am now, I'm a fucking mortal. I'm not this immortal entity that can't be beat. But I'm also not some Joe Shmoe you get to walk all over. Yeah, my mindset is different. Yeah, I'm not at the pinnacle of my career, but I'm STILL Jake Starr. I'm still a man who disappoints people in their times of triumph. I'm still the same physical being that has surprised the world.
Do I expect to again?
Meh... Probably not...
But in the flesh THAT IS WHO I AM!
So I'm not going to call people out. I'm not going to mention names. I'm simply going to say that Taking Hold of the Flame makes a momunemtal point in my LIFE. Not because of what I think will be the end result. But because I'm even there to begin with. Face it... Over the past year, a lot of people have wondered what happened to Jake Starr. Let me tell you, the story isn't pretty. The story isn't graceful. It's not something I'm proud about. The fact, though, is, it's still my story. And the fact that I stand here today, no matter how I look, what physical condition I'm in, no matter how much of the proverbial "ring rust" I have in my system, I am walking out there aiming to beat some asses and turn some heads. If I win, GREAT! Bring on Rise to Greatness! If I lose, who knows. I haven't thought that far ahead, and I'm not going to.
Not because I'd be bitter...
Not because I'd be upset....
Taking Hold of the Flame isn't a "benchmark" for me. It's a moment for me to do something for me, and be happy just enjoying life, for once. It's not a dream... It's not a legacy... It's not history... It's Jake Starr reminding SCW that he is alive and kicking, and if ANYONE ever doubts that he would ever be JUST THAT, they've made the biggest mistake of their lives.
Why?
Because I've made that mistake, you asshats, and I can promise that is ONE you will NEVER see me make again!
Fast forward a couple of months and the story continues to evolve. This woman and I have been crossing paths at almost every turn. It didn't matter whether it was at a store, at an event, the Farmer's Market, you name it we were both there. We both made the jokes of the other stalking, but we both knew better and knew this was just complete coincidence. It got to a point where we finally formally introduced ourselves to one another, and decided that we would swap contact information, and what started as harmless banter about food and inane bullshit blossomed into a friendship that neither of us really expected.
Now, this story may sound familiar. It may sound like that same formula that led to my daughter's teacher and I creating a friendship, and honestly, it's pretty damn close. The difference with this one is I didn't feel a need to "save" or "protect" her. This woman wasn't involved in any drama where we had to deal with that on top of everything else. She was just... Different.
For me it was a breath of fresh air. It was someone new in my life who wasn't after me, my family, my money, my fame, anything. It was someone who finally just could look at me and have a conversation with me and it literally turn into anything. It was also something I thought nothing much of. We were both married with kids, and we literally were relative strangers still to one another. We just happened to cross paths enough times where we figured we might as well get to know one another and see what kept making our paths cross. And that's what we did. We chatted more and more. We got to know one another better and better. Hell, it was to the point she refered to me as her best friend, and she was referred to as one of my best friends as well.
It was a friendship that escalated from nothing to something in 0.5 seconds.
Initially it was innocent. Initially there was nothing there but a friendship between two people. The problem was, the more we got to talking, the more personal the talks got. The more I entrusted her with the realities of the difficulties I was going through. The more I confided in her instead of those close to me. I was constantly on my phone texting her, meeting up with her around town to talk, and did everything I could to find time to just see her and spend time with her. It wasn't just on my end, either. She was doing the same. We couldn't refute the emotional attachment we both had for each other, and anyone who knew us, they could tell, too. It made home life for both of us quite difficult.
Roeper Hart: Let me guess... Texting Autumn...
Jake Starr: Yeah she's complaining about her day.
Roeper Hart: Why doesn't she complain to her husband?
Jake Starr: Like I've said... He scsres the living shit out of her and he doesn't give a shit about her feelings. So she reaches out to someone who actually doesn't treat her like a waste of space.
Roeper Hart: Yeah, and you realize you're still MY HUSBAND, right?
Jake Starr: Yes, and am I not allowed to have friends? I mean for fuck's sake, I get it, the whole "other woman" thing again...
Roeper Hart: Jake, I'm not talking about Pepper. I get you two are close, and I get that you two are always going to be. I get that you protect her from her past. You have that "knight in shining armor" complex you can't ever get over. This girl, she's different. You act different when you talk about her, talk to her, whatever.
Jake Starr: What do you even mean, huh?
Roeper Hart: It means it's painfully obvious to me you have feelings for this woman. So just be blunt with me, Jake, because I'm tired of playing these games, are you in love with her?
Roeper Hart: ... Because that's what it feels like. I've dealt with women like Rachel, like your stalker, fuck, like Pepper, but NONE have had me feeling so cast aside like Autumn does. NONE of them have made me worry about our family like she does. So just be honest with me, Jake... Do you have feelings for her?
Jake Starr: You know what, yeah. Yeah I do. Why? Because I feel like I matter. It's about me in life. It's not about how I'm supposed to act, what I am supposed to be, or anything of the sorts. It's Jake Starr getting to be Jake Starr. Do I want to run away and elope, no, but is there something there where I feel like I have someone who actually GETS me to talk to, there is something there. Should I? Probably not. But the fact is I do. And the truth is you know how it goes, too. I know you've had people who you've developed feelings for simply because you can talk to them...
Roeper Hart: Like who, Jake?
Jake Starr: Oh, I don't know... Tyler, maybe?
Roeper Hart: H... How do you know about Tyler?
Jake Starr: You left his text wide open one day on the table.
Roeper Hart: And you went through it, let me guess?
Jake Starr: Honestly... No... I didn't!
The fact was she had set her phone down one day before locking it and I saw his name appear. I didn't grab the phone but I could make out a couple of messages, and it was obvious she was confiding in him. This argument, it was waged for days. Back and forth we would fight about who was doing the more nefarious thing. It was a stalemate until the moment where it wasn't... The moment when I found out he was a frequent guest at my house when I wasn't there. It was when I found out he had tried to get physical, but according to her, she always refused.
Truth is, we were both guilty. But I didn't see it that way at the time. I saw me as the victim. I hadn't brought anyone into our house, and possibly defied the sanctity of our home. I hadn't brought my daughter into my messes and transgressions because she didn't deserve to have that weighing on her as well. And it all began to haunt me, day-in and day out. I'd not sleep, I'd not eat, I quit caring. Everything began to close in around me. I felt the world crumbling. I felt the reasons for my existence fading... And I just couldn't handle it anymore...
Roeper Hart: BRANDON!!!
Brandon Evans: OH MY GOD, JAKE! Call 9-1-1... NOW!
Brandon Evans: ROEPER! NOW!
And like I said, here we are. Me... Clinically dead for a period of time all because of my feelings toward the women in my life. Me hovering above my own body, and seeing her standing there, then running away feeling responsible for my own selfishness and stupidity, it hurt. It killed me inside, obviously, to know she felt responsible for my own actions. It also told me that my battle wasn't over.
Why?
She didn't have to show up. She didn't have to come check on me. She didn't have to risk being ridiculed and blamed. But she did. She did it selflessly for me. She did it because she cared, and it wasn't something I wasn't going to let her not have closure to. She wasn't going to go through life believing she caused me to do something so dire. She deserved to know the truth. She deserved to know that she wasn't responsible. I had to find a way to communicate that to her. So when that hand reached out from my heart, no matter how real or imagined it was, I knew I had to grab it and live to fight another day.
I also knew that it meant there would be a lot of difficult conversations and times ahead. But no matter what warmth lay behind me in that moment, no matter what words I heard from the angels above, and my brother before me, it wasn't my time or place to make that decision on my own. If it was my time, someone else had to make it. If I had a choice, I'd reach out and grab that hand and figure out why I'm even given the choice.
I made a dire mistake...
I have to live and reap the consequences I sew...
I chose to fight on...
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Life... Life is a cruel thing. It's something we have all taken for granted at some point in our lives...
The sound of a heart monitor and oxygen pump is heard.
Beep.... Beep... Beep... Pshhhhh... Beep... Pshhhh...
Life is something that is always there for us, or so we think. We just assume we are going to wake up the next day. At least, most do. I know there are those who embrace death, like the elderly, for example. But there are those of us right in the middle and prime of our lives that just assume tomorrow will come, just like today, just like yesterday.
The heart monitor begins to speed up and beep faster and more erratically.
Beep... Beep Beep... Beep Beep... Beep Beep Beep Beep...
A woman's voice is heard.
Woman: Hey... HEY! Can someone come in here please?!
... But that's not how life works, is it? Life isn't always as guaranteed as it could be. Like Thanos in the Avengers, with one "snap," it can all end for anyone. And that's exactly what happened to me...
The heart monitor flatlines.
Beeeeeeeeeep...
Voices begin to frantically enter the picture, taking their positions to try and save this patient's life.
Doctor: Crash cart... GET THE CRASH CART!
Nurse: Here, sir!
The physician applies the pads to the patient's chest.
Doctor: Alright, is everyone clear?
There is a chorus of "clear's" coming from all in the room as the doctor pushes the button on the AED to activate the shock. After it doesn't work, the team resumes CPR while awaiting for the machine to be charged again.
Doctor: Alright folks, clear!
Another wave of "clears" rings out, and the AED delivered a shock, convulsing the body, but still keeping the heart monitor on a flatline.
I layed there for, probably for those in the room, probably what felt like hours. I wouldn't respond to CPR, I wouldn't respond to the AED, I wouldn't respond to anything. This whole time, I felt like I was watching it happen. I don't know if it was real, or if I've just heard people tell me, but I felt "out of body" the whole time. I remember the beeping. I remember seeing my wife in tears. I remember when the doctors were about to give up, my best friend yell, "I dfidn't fucking die on you, you better not die on me."
I remember it as if I saw it.
The last thing I remember was a glance out the window. A glance into the eyes of someone watching this horrific event through a plate glass window, having wanted to finally come see me after everything we had endured. And instead of finding me simply in a state of uncertainty, she found me literally dead on arrival. It was then, things get more blurry. Things get a little more extraordinary as the last thing I remember is my lifeless body having a hand reach out from inside and pull me back in. And that's when everything changed...
Nurse: Doctor he's gone...
Doctor: The hell he is... Keep going with CPR... Give him one more dose of Adrenaline... And I'm charging this one more time...
Nurse: Doctor, he...
Doctor: ONE... MORE... DOSE... STAT!
Nurse: Yessir...
The nurse administers the drug and the doctor orders all clear one more time. The doctor looks down and pushes the AED button to initiate the shock, and after the body convulses, the heart responds. It is still in a state of arterial fibrulation, but has resumed pumping blood, just abnormally. The AED is quickly charged again, and shock administered, this time bringing the rhythm of the heart back to normal, and the oxygen machine resuming normal oxygen to the body.
Doctor: He's back... For now at least... Good job everyone...
And at that point, I was alive again. But for minutes, I was dead. I wasn't with this planet. I was off on some other journey through another plane of existence that, yes, did lead toward a light, from what I remember. It wasn't the stereotype. It was just a feeling of warmth. It was the closure of everything.n I remember looking up, and then back at my lifeless body. But it was those eyes. That look on the outside of the glass that told me my time here wasn't done. The craziest part of it all was that I swear she looked up at me hovering above myself and saw me in both my physical and ghostly self.
Do I know if that really happened, no. Again, all of this may be something my mind made up when it was devoid of oxygen. But my simple question is, how did I know she was there, then?
Shortly after the doctors got my heard pumping again, she ran off. Nobody in the room noticed her, and she wanted it that way. The only reason she stayed, after seeing my friends and family on the other side of the glass, was because I was dying in front of her eyes, and she felt responsible. Many in there would have potentially felt the same, and knowing that made her definitely not want to have that situation arise.
Now the big question... What happened? Why was I there? How did I get there? What's gone on in the milenia that has passed between posts? It's not something I'm going to hype up as a tale to be told. The past almost year has been one of the most difficult in my life. Friends... Family... My work life... Everything began to cave in around me as I tried to adjust to the realization that I wasn't happy doing anything. Everything suffered as I tried to blame one thing after another for my disdain for life, but myself. It was never my fault. To this day I don't know if I can say I have fully accepted any responsibility in the matter, or if it's still a work in progress, but what I do know is my path was crossed by someone who made me rethink everything I thought I held true...
After the 2018 ediiton of Rise to Greatness, Jake Starr and Mr. D sat down and talked about the possibility of Jake Starr taking some time away to really focus on life. Between the battles with his family, his daughter's schooling, professional wrestling, and Tommy's issues, Jake was to the point he needed a break from everything, and time to just get a handle on his life, rather than the many extraneous entities that had rooted themselves in it as well. It was a conversation both had felt was necessary, and it didn't surprise either side when it was mutually agreed upon. Mr. D even went as far to let Jake know if he needed help in any way of getting his life in order, SCW's resources would be behind him.
Jake appreciated the gesture more than he thought he would. He thought he would feel like he was being told he couldn't handle it himself. But it was a point in Jake's life where he understood that there may come battles he can't fight alone. He knew that things could creep up, and any and all support would be golden. It was a mindset where Jake truly realized he couldn't be the "lone wolf" in a battle against the world, and had to turn off being a "Social Misfit," and turn on being a living human on planet Earth. So it was that night Jake packed his bags, shook the hand of Mr. D and many others in the locker room, and left on his terms, to hopefully begin a healing process for himself, and not for any other reason.
Over much of the initial part of his hiatus, Jake told Roeper he needed a lot of time to think. He said the only distraction he wanted was their daughter. He didn't want Thoren, his therapist, Tommy, Shawn, Brandon, or any of the "usual suspects." He wanted his little girl to have her father and let him have the time he's felt he's lost and also be in a situation where his heart is.
This was one of those days.
Jake decides to take Mara Jade to Adventureland for an afternoon at the amusement park. After hitting a growth spurt she's anxious to finally ride some of the "big kid" rides she's been eying all of these years. Jake, not the biggest fan of roller coasters, but closet enabler to those who are, is quick to encourage his daughter to scare the hell out of herself as many times as possible. Jake, for his part, is a fan of the carnival games, which he knows how to beat, even if rigged. So while Mara rides, Jake wins her oversized and overpriced stuffed animals for bragging rights.
As Mara stands in line, Jake is playing the milk bottle toss and actually knocking the three bottles down time and time again, even with the carney arranging them where it theoretically should be impossible, or at least highly improbable. The carney is getting visibly annoyed at Jake continually winning and upgrading his prize. A woman stands to the side watching Jake, and becoming quite impressed with what he's been able to accomplish.
Jake appreciated the gesture more than he thought he would. He thought he would feel like he was being told he couldn't handle it himself. But it was a point in Jake's life where he understood that there may come battles he can't fight alone. He knew that things could creep up, and any and all support would be golden. It was a mindset where Jake truly realized he couldn't be the "lone wolf" in a battle against the world, and had to turn off being a "Social Misfit," and turn on being a living human on planet Earth. So it was that night Jake packed his bags, shook the hand of Mr. D and many others in the locker room, and left on his terms, to hopefully begin a healing process for himself, and not for any other reason.
Over much of the initial part of his hiatus, Jake told Roeper he needed a lot of time to think. He said the only distraction he wanted was their daughter. He didn't want Thoren, his therapist, Tommy, Shawn, Brandon, or any of the "usual suspects." He wanted his little girl to have her father and let him have the time he's felt he's lost and also be in a situation where his heart is.
This was one of those days.
Jake decides to take Mara Jade to Adventureland for an afternoon at the amusement park. After hitting a growth spurt she's anxious to finally ride some of the "big kid" rides she's been eying all of these years. Jake, not the biggest fan of roller coasters, but closet enabler to those who are, is quick to encourage his daughter to scare the hell out of herself as many times as possible. Jake, for his part, is a fan of the carnival games, which he knows how to beat, even if rigged. So while Mara rides, Jake wins her oversized and overpriced stuffed animals for bragging rights.
As Mara stands in line, Jake is playing the milk bottle toss and actually knocking the three bottles down time and time again, even with the carney arranging them where it theoretically should be impossible, or at least highly improbable. The carney is getting visibly annoyed at Jake continually winning and upgrading his prize. A woman stands to the side watching Jake, and becoming quite impressed with what he's been able to accomplish.
Autumn: Helluva run there...
Jake Starr: Meh...
Jake walks over to her so as not to be heard by the carney.
Jake Starr: ... He sets one bottle just slightly behind the other two. Throwing it sidearm gets the angle right to come in from the right trajectory... He also keeps trying to shift it a little further back and when he does so I move about an inch in the direction of the bottle he shifts. Basically just evens the odds...
Autumn: Huh... Never thought about that!
Jake Starr: I like to win, what can I say. I typically give half this crap away, anyway. It's more the thrill of the win, you know?
Autumn: No... I don't... I suck at these. My son is 3 and he's better at this shit than I am...
Jake Starr: Nah, not my daughter. She just EXPECTS me to have big stuffies ready for her when she's done riding whatever the hell it is she's riding now.
Autumn: You're not riding with her?
Jake Starr: Nah... Daddy isn't the biggest fan.
Autumn: Oh c'mon... Big guy like you? Scared of a roller coaster?
Jake Starr: More that someone my size usually doesn't always do well when his feet go above his head.
The woman looks unimpressed.
Autumn: Yet you do a lot of that flippy shit on TV?
Jake realizes he's been recognized, even though usually in Des Moines he's rarely "called out" for who he is.
Jake Starr: Yeah well that flippy shit doesn't make my balls feel like they're then in my throat.
The woman begins to laugh, not expecting the crass response.
The woman's laughter was pure. A stranger who had just struck up a conversation, knew who I was, and still just felt like she wanted to shoot the shit. She wasn't a "fan" but she knew who I was. The best part to me was, she didn't care. I didn't have to be that amped up persona that I took out in front of fans. I didn't have to be the guy who was the "leader of the pack" like I did around my enterage. I don't have to try and be the great husband like I do at home, questioning if I'm even happy there. Instead, I could just be me. I could just talk to someone for the sake of talking and carrying on a conversation. I didn't have to impress.
This was one of those moments for me I didn't expect to have. I expected to do my normal shtick at Adventureland, and just win shit, give it away, and watch others a lot more happy than I was. It was a feeling of comfort that I didn't get anywhere. It was something that felt good, and not even something my therapist would ever suggest. Hell, I probably wouldn't have ever asked if that would work, you know? It was a foreign concept. Fo once, I just felt like an average Joe again. There was also something different about this woman. The way she looked, the way she acted, the way she just talked to me like I was a nobody who somehow learned how to outrig the rigged games, she was special. At the time, I didn't realize how special, either.
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Inside an ill-lit room a man stands in tattered clothes, with his back to the camera. The one light bulb swinging and illuminating the room occasionally flickers. The man in view can be seen having a fairly bushy and unkept beard and mustache, and his hair, long, greasy, and keeping with the homeless and dissheveled look of the man. As the camera gets closer, the man senses it's presence.
Dissheveled Man: Stop...
The camera quits approaching him.
For several months, I've laid dormant. For nearly a year, I've been a figment of everyone's imagination, including my own. Why? Because I've been in a darkness that nobody deserves to be in. I have walked through the valley in the shadow of death, and I have had the audacity to knock on Death's door. When he opened it, saw me looking him in the eyes, he asked if it was my turn. I told him I didn't care. I told him to tell me himself. And that was when he shut the door in my face.
So I walked on...
For more months I scoured my own mind and my own demons for answers. I wanted tranquility. I wanted peace. I wanted to be released from the darkness I created for myself. Nothing worked. Not... One... Thing... Instead, I fell deeper into darkness and realized that there was only one path for me, and it was back to Death's door, and this time it was my decision. Again, he slammed the door in my face. Again, I was denied peace of mind and a relief from the pain I was facing inside and out. But this time it wasn't without a final message from him... "Come back a third time, I end your journey before you do."
Those were powerful words for an apirition of existence which some may or may not believe in. The pain that it imparted in me, I will tell you, showed me that it was no joke, and no figment of my imagination. It was my reality. So when I woke up from that mistake, I left everything I had created. I left everything I had worked so hard to build. I left it all behind because it wasn't what I needed. What I needed were answers. I needed to find out who I was, why I was even still alive, and where I went from there. The days would turn to nights as I would sit alone, the weather taking its toll on my body as I just sat outside letting Mother Nature do her worst. Why? Because the me that changed the world, the me that rose from the ashes, the me that had been a mainstay in professional wrestling and in life in general felt dead to me, and I had to figure out who I was now... Because what I saw in the mirror, and what I see now, are shreds of who I was, let alone a human being in general... What I am now, is nothing. I'm a nobody. I'm a tired and wasted bag of existence searching for something that he may never find...
Or maybe... Just maybe...
The man turns around, revealing himself to be a very different looking Jake Starr.
Jake Starr: ... Maybe the path I forged by the decisions I made over the past almost year have led me to this moment, where I look you all in the eye once again...
Jake pauses. A slight smirk crosses his face, mostly obscured by his unshaven self.
... What? You act like you've seen a ghost. Arguably what many would say is SCW's "Ghost of Main Events Past." A man who is just a mockery of what he once was.
And you'd all be right.
I'm not here to tell the world this is the Second Coming of Christ. I'm not here to act like I've been biding my time. No. This isn't about that. This is about me saying, "fuck it, why not?" Taking Hold of the Flame is a night where the world can enter for a chance to be greedy. So why not just goi out there for greed's sake? Why not just take the opportunity everyone else is taking? It's something I haven't done. It won't make or break my legacy. And ultimately the fact that I'm there will simply make one or two people excited.
Jake breathes and snarls simultaneously.
But I won't lie... I'm not there for a specticle. I'm not there for nostalgia. I'm not even there to win. The fact is I'm not a version of Jake Starr that Vegas would even bother running odds on. I'm a version of Jake Starr who doesn't even know if he can take a punch, right now.
I mean, look at me... I look like a fucking homeless man from the streets of some small town where they can't even find a way to make it panhandling. I'm a man who hasn't seen family, friends, or people who I can talk to in months. I don't fucking care, either. Nobody knows about this, but me. And why? Because every one of them things I'm crazy. Every one of them thinks I'll relapse. They'll think I'll be clinically dead for another period of time in my life, and none of them wat to see that. But here I am, being sucked back into the vortex of this business because of greed, and I don't care.
Why?
Because while I say it won't tarnish my legacy, it'll do a lot to make it even more LEGENDARY. And yeah, greed is playing a role. Everyone mocked me for being greedy. Everyone mocked me for being like Greg and demanding title shots. So fuck it, let's embrace it. I don't truly stand a snowball's chance in hell of magically appearing and winning like guys like Ace Marshall have, but in the end, I have the same odds. It's the same 1 in 4,254,221,544,444,878 that everyone has... Or however many entrants Mr. D decides to expand to this year. And yeah... There are favorites. There are those who have proven themselves as SCW's elite. I won't lie... I don't know who it is. I haven't turned on a TV in ages. I don't know who is in the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs, or what number baby Kim Kardashian is on. All I know is that there is always, and will always be, that upper echelon of SCW talent who ultimately shine through Taking Hold of the Flame.
So I may look like a mess. I may sound like a mess. I may have been the guy who, over the past several months tried to rid this world of his own existence, but i know the reality of the situation. The reality is if you want to be one of the big dogs of SCW, you have to earn it. You have to put your best foot forward. For me, I don't know my left from my right. All I know is one shoe has toes sticking out it. But I know that this sounds enjoyable, it sounds fun, and it sounds like something that I want to do. I'm not in it to win it. If I were to pull off the Miracle on 34th Street, then so be it, but Jake Starr hasn't smiled in almost a year. Jake Starr has been a man on Death's doorstep, practically BEGGING for entry for the past year. Jake Starr has been NOTHING for a year, and it's time I figure out who I am. So why not go to my roots? Why not test the waters? Why not go out there and know that I can maybe do something special?
Where's the harm?
Huh?
There aren't any expectations. Everyone's going to assume I'm walking in, saying hello, maybe knocking some nobody out ahead of me, and then getting eliminated myself. So truly, what is there to lose? I'm in the Hall of Fame. I've won countless SCW World Championships. I've done everything I can do but this, so if it happens, then you know what, my career is complete. If not, I STILL have the one achievement I set out for, and that was to be inducted by Tommy and David. But the reality is I have no friends in this. I'm not bringing backup. I'm not having some secret plan to give me an edge. Instead, I'm walking out there alone. I'm walking out there as Jake Starr. Not the "Social Misfit," not a member of the "Resurgence," not a man trying to restart his career.
Hell, this could be a one-off, let's be blunt...
I'm going out there, though, to simply enjoy myself. I want to feel the energy from the crowd again. I want to feel like I'm something bigger than what you see before you. I want the world to remember who I was and hope for that, when deep down, I know that person doesn't exist. So I'm ok if this is some run of nostalgia for some. But for me it's something much bigger. It's a chance to redefine myself. To prove to myself that I can overcome adversity.
And sure, that message sounds like everyone elses. But I'm not talking about the other superstars and being ablw to overcome whatever they throw my way. Instead it's personal redemption. It's a chance for me to simply exit the curtain under my own power, doing this just for me, and enjoying the moment as it comes. It's not about the big Jake Starr "redemption story." It's about me knowing that I put my family through hell, walked on Death's doorstep, and made the decision FOR ME to not give in. Taking Hold of the Flame isn't truly about the title match. It's about me showing myself I've overcome odds that I should have never endured. It's about me showing I can make the worst decisions in my life and walk out and instead of letting them haunt me, I overcome them.
It's not about a title... It's about taking control of my life!
You see, for once, I walk into Taking Hold of the Flame with a new mindset. A new outlook on life. It's not about wins a losses, titles or no titles, history or no history. It's about what I have inside to give to myself. Yeah, when I say I've never been selfish, people in SCW would laugh and mock me. But the fact is, the only time I was selfish, I ended up having to have a difibrulator used on me to jump start my heart. Tangible shit like title shorts isn't greed. It's achievement. People want achievement to feel vindicated for their work. For me, just knowing my music will play, and I will walk out of that curtain, that's my vinidication.
Jake strokes his bushy beard, and sighs.
And for all of you in this match, don't you, for one FUCKING second, expect the same, old, Jake Starr, either. Why? Because I don't even know who that guy is anymore. He died on a table in a hospital in Des Moines. Who I am now, I'm a fucking mortal. I'm not this immortal entity that can't be beat. But I'm also not some Joe Shmoe you get to walk all over. Yeah, my mindset is different. Yeah, I'm not at the pinnacle of my career, but I'm STILL Jake Starr. I'm still a man who disappoints people in their times of triumph. I'm still the same physical being that has surprised the world.
Do I expect to again?
Meh... Probably not...
But in the flesh THAT IS WHO I AM!
So I'm not going to call people out. I'm not going to mention names. I'm simply going to say that Taking Hold of the Flame makes a momunemtal point in my LIFE. Not because of what I think will be the end result. But because I'm even there to begin with. Face it... Over the past year, a lot of people have wondered what happened to Jake Starr. Let me tell you, the story isn't pretty. The story isn't graceful. It's not something I'm proud about. The fact, though, is, it's still my story. And the fact that I stand here today, no matter how I look, what physical condition I'm in, no matter how much of the proverbial "ring rust" I have in my system, I am walking out there aiming to beat some asses and turn some heads. If I win, GREAT! Bring on Rise to Greatness! If I lose, who knows. I haven't thought that far ahead, and I'm not going to.
Not because I'd be bitter...
Not because I'd be upset....
Taking Hold of the Flame isn't a "benchmark" for me. It's a moment for me to do something for me, and be happy just enjoying life, for once. It's not a dream... It's not a legacy... It's not history... It's Jake Starr reminding SCW that he is alive and kicking, and if ANYONE ever doubts that he would ever be JUST THAT, they've made the biggest mistake of their lives.
Why?
Because I've made that mistake, you asshats, and I can promise that is ONE you will NEVER see me make again!
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Fast forward a couple of months and the story continues to evolve. This woman and I have been crossing paths at almost every turn. It didn't matter whether it was at a store, at an event, the Farmer's Market, you name it we were both there. We both made the jokes of the other stalking, but we both knew better and knew this was just complete coincidence. It got to a point where we finally formally introduced ourselves to one another, and decided that we would swap contact information, and what started as harmless banter about food and inane bullshit blossomed into a friendship that neither of us really expected.
Now, this story may sound familiar. It may sound like that same formula that led to my daughter's teacher and I creating a friendship, and honestly, it's pretty damn close. The difference with this one is I didn't feel a need to "save" or "protect" her. This woman wasn't involved in any drama where we had to deal with that on top of everything else. She was just... Different.
For me it was a breath of fresh air. It was someone new in my life who wasn't after me, my family, my money, my fame, anything. It was someone who finally just could look at me and have a conversation with me and it literally turn into anything. It was also something I thought nothing much of. We were both married with kids, and we literally were relative strangers still to one another. We just happened to cross paths enough times where we figured we might as well get to know one another and see what kept making our paths cross. And that's what we did. We chatted more and more. We got to know one another better and better. Hell, it was to the point she refered to me as her best friend, and she was referred to as one of my best friends as well.
It was a friendship that escalated from nothing to something in 0.5 seconds.
Initially it was innocent. Initially there was nothing there but a friendship between two people. The problem was, the more we got to talking, the more personal the talks got. The more I entrusted her with the realities of the difficulties I was going through. The more I confided in her instead of those close to me. I was constantly on my phone texting her, meeting up with her around town to talk, and did everything I could to find time to just see her and spend time with her. It wasn't just on my end, either. She was doing the same. We couldn't refute the emotional attachment we both had for each other, and anyone who knew us, they could tell, too. It made home life for both of us quite difficult.
Roeper walks into the living room where Jake is sitting on the couch, phone in hand, and a grin on his face.
Roeper Hart: Let me guess... Texting Autumn...
Jake looks up.
Jake Starr: Yeah she's complaining about her day.
Roeper Hart: Why doesn't she complain to her husband?
Jake Starr: Like I've said... He scsres the living shit out of her and he doesn't give a shit about her feelings. So she reaches out to someone who actually doesn't treat her like a waste of space.
Roeper Hart: Yeah, and you realize you're still MY HUSBAND, right?
Jake Starr: Yes, and am I not allowed to have friends? I mean for fuck's sake, I get it, the whole "other woman" thing again...
Roeper Hart: Jake, I'm not talking about Pepper. I get you two are close, and I get that you two are always going to be. I get that you protect her from her past. You have that "knight in shining armor" complex you can't ever get over. This girl, she's different. You act different when you talk about her, talk to her, whatever.
Jake is annoyed and defensive.
Jake Starr: What do you even mean, huh?
Roeper Hart: It means it's painfully obvious to me you have feelings for this woman. So just be blunt with me, Jake, because I'm tired of playing these games, are you in love with her?
Jake freezes, being called out on something he had truly never thought about. He could tell he had feelings, but the mentioning of the "L-word" brings a new curveball into the mix.
Roeper Hart: ... Because that's what it feels like. I've dealt with women like Rachel, like your stalker, fuck, like Pepper, but NONE have had me feeling so cast aside like Autumn does. NONE of them have made me worry about our family like she does. So just be honest with me, Jake... Do you have feelings for her?
Jake doesn't even think before speaking.
Jake Starr: You know what, yeah. Yeah I do. Why? Because I feel like I matter. It's about me in life. It's not about how I'm supposed to act, what I am supposed to be, or anything of the sorts. It's Jake Starr getting to be Jake Starr. Do I want to run away and elope, no, but is there something there where I feel like I have someone who actually GETS me to talk to, there is something there. Should I? Probably not. But the fact is I do. And the truth is you know how it goes, too. I know you've had people who you've developed feelings for simply because you can talk to them...
Roeper Hart: Like who, Jake?
Jake Starr: Oh, I don't know... Tyler, maybe?
Roeper freezes, not realizing Jake knows about one of the few people she talks to that she thought she had hidden. Tyler is a long time friend and former lover of hers that has recently resurfaced in her life to be a "listening ear" and friend to her.
Roeper Hart: H... How do you know about Tyler?
Jake Starr: You left his text wide open one day on the table.
Roeper Hart: And you went through it, let me guess?
Jake Starr: Honestly... No... I didn't!
The fact was she had set her phone down one day before locking it and I saw his name appear. I didn't grab the phone but I could make out a couple of messages, and it was obvious she was confiding in him. This argument, it was waged for days. Back and forth we would fight about who was doing the more nefarious thing. It was a stalemate until the moment where it wasn't... The moment when I found out he was a frequent guest at my house when I wasn't there. It was when I found out he had tried to get physical, but according to her, she always refused.
Truth is, we were both guilty. But I didn't see it that way at the time. I saw me as the victim. I hadn't brought anyone into our house, and possibly defied the sanctity of our home. I hadn't brought my daughter into my messes and transgressions because she didn't deserve to have that weighing on her as well. And it all began to haunt me, day-in and day out. I'd not sleep, I'd not eat, I quit caring. Everything began to close in around me. I felt the world crumbling. I felt the reasons for my existence fading... And I just couldn't handle it anymore...
Roeper walks into the house after buying groceries to an uncomfortable silence. She calls out for Jake's name and gets nothing. She was expecting help with carrying in groceries, as she and Brandon figuratively bought half the store. When he doesn't respond she does think about the possibility that he's taking a nap, but something doesn't feel right. She begins to walk down the hallway, and as she sees Jake's office door closed with a bedsheet wrapped around the handle and looping over the top, she knows something bad is happening.
Roeper Hart: BRANDON!!!
The shreik is one Brandon knows is not good and he drops the groceries on the ground outside and sprints in. As he enters he sees Roeper pushing the door open, being pushed back on by the dead weight of Jake's lifeless body. Brandon immediately shoves Roeper out of the way and slams his way in.
Upon entering, the sight is as grim as expected, as Jake's face is blue, and as they untie the bedsheet, his body falls to the floor.
Upon entering, the sight is as grim as expected, as Jake's face is blue, and as they untie the bedsheet, his body falls to the floor.
Brandon Evans: OH MY GOD, JAKE! Call 9-1-1... NOW!
Roeper's shock makes her stand there frozen, looking at Jake, possibly dead right in front of her.
Brandon Evans: ROEPER! NOW!
Roeper snaps out enough to call 9-1-1, hysterical and in tears. After what seems like an eternity, paramedics arrive on the scene and immediately begin applying CPR to Jake. The team gets him onto a stretcher, and as he's being rolled out one of the EMS members hops on, straddling Jake, to continue applying CPR and not giving up. They are unsure of how much time his brain and body have been devoid of oxygen, but they are not willing to give in that he's gone, yet. Just prior to getting to the hospital, the EMS personnel are able to shock Jake's heart back into pumping, and have administered a breathing tube to begin the process of breathing for him as well.
And like I said, here we are. Me... Clinically dead for a period of time all because of my feelings toward the women in my life. Me hovering above my own body, and seeing her standing there, then running away feeling responsible for my own selfishness and stupidity, it hurt. It killed me inside, obviously, to know she felt responsible for my own actions. It also told me that my battle wasn't over.
Why?
She didn't have to show up. She didn't have to come check on me. She didn't have to risk being ridiculed and blamed. But she did. She did it selflessly for me. She did it because she cared, and it wasn't something I wasn't going to let her not have closure to. She wasn't going to go through life believing she caused me to do something so dire. She deserved to know the truth. She deserved to know that she wasn't responsible. I had to find a way to communicate that to her. So when that hand reached out from my heart, no matter how real or imagined it was, I knew I had to grab it and live to fight another day.
I also knew that it meant there would be a lot of difficult conversations and times ahead. But no matter what warmth lay behind me in that moment, no matter what words I heard from the angels above, and my brother before me, it wasn't my time or place to make that decision on my own. If it was my time, someone else had to make it. If I had a choice, I'd reach out and grab that hand and figure out why I'm even given the choice.
I made a dire mistake...
I have to live and reap the consequences I sew...
I chose to fight on...