06-09-2019, 05:07 PM
For years I walked this Earth not caring who thought what about me. All I cared about was caring for myself and others. If others wanted to step up and care for me, I brushed them away. Why? Because I felt below most individuals. It may come as a surprse to those who know me deeply, but was never as conceited as the persona I put forth. I just didn't know how to accept the caring of others as something that was natural and not faked in any way. I also know that mentality is full of flaws and weaknesses. I know that there are those who legitimately care about othere and their feelings but I never could figure out why ANY of them would feel that same compassion for me...
Let alone two of them...
When my selfishness got the better of me, there were two people who knew that their feelings for me mattered both in my eyes and in theirs. They may have not agreed on the fact that they both felt as they did, but nevertheless, when it came to the living and well-being of me, they did their best to put it behind them, as I understand. The reason I say this is because something happened after I was revived. Something transpired that led both of these individuals to confront one another and address the matters at hand, in this case, me.
I won't lie when I say the details from as I understand it are sketchy, but it seems as if my wife reached out to the woman I saw, and who saw me, and wanted to meet with her. The reasoning, I don't know. Neither have opened up to me on it. Neither have broken whatever agreement they made to one another. But the fact is they met. The two that mattered in my life came face to face. They met on the decision of my wife, as I understand it. It's a detail I still find quite difficult to believe in full, but everyone who has explained this situation to me has corroborated it, so it's what Ihave to go on. Nevertheless, when I came to and realized they had talked, my heart raced, my level of fear rose to new heights, but at that point, there was nothing I could do about it...
Roeper Hart: I'm going to assume you're Autumn...
Autumn Ross: I... I am... I presume you're Roeper?
Roeper Hart: Yes... Shall we sit?
Autumn Ross: Um... Sure...
Roeper Hart: Listen... I'm not here to attack you, berate you, or tell you that you're a bad person. I'm here because of Jake. As I'm sure you're aware he knew you were there that day he coded?
Autumn Ross: How? I didn't even come in the room.
Roeper Hart: That's a spiritual thing with Jake that I don't quite understand, either. But the fact is, he says he saw you, and he saw you run off crying.
Roeper Hart: ... And the fact is he wants to see you. He wants to talk to you. But I told him before he got to talk to you, I wanted to talk to you first.
Autumn Ross: But why? Why would you want anything to do with me?
Roeper Hart: Because of this simple reason... I love him, and I want him happy. I've sat around these past however many months seeing him legitimately happy when he's talking to you. He's not uptight, and hell, he's even been nicer to me. Yeah, when he told me he had feelings for you, it was a bit of punch to the gut. But I also know he was honest about it with me. He was honest enough to admit you make him happy, too. And as much as I want to follow blind jealousy and say to stay away from him, I know that would do me more harm than good, and he'd distance from me...
Autumn Ross: How do you know that? How do you know he wouldn't go along with it? I'm a nobody. Our history is short compared to the two of you.
Roeper Hart: It may be, but right now you're in his life for a reason. Do I want this to blossom into romance, no. But I also don't want to see him feeling guilty that you caused this.
-i -But I was a key figure...
Roeper Hart: No, Autumn. Jake has been spiraling for years. He's been facing more demons than anyone has known about, and it culminated in what he did to himself. You had nothing to do with it. As much as I don't have the highest opinion of you and my husband having feelings for one another, I'm realistic enough to know you didn't cause this. This was something he held off on doing far longer than I think any of us who love him can imagine. He still made this choice himself. Whatever made him do it wasn't anyone's fault but his own. He let everything build until he couldn't fight back anymore.
He let his demons win.
For years he put on the persona of Jake Starr to try and push them to the back burner, and you know what, he did a good job of it. He fooled me, he fooled his best friends, he fooled us all. Then reality sank in, and he gave up on himself. And yeah, like you, I take part of that blame, even though it's hypocritical of me to say...
Autumn Ross: How are you even remotely to blame? How is it not completely on me? Had I not talked to Jake at Adventureland we would have never met, and never gotten to this point...
Roeper Hart: Because you're not a demon to him. Regardless of your relationship, whether anything has happened or will happen, it's irrelevant. He was never letting the emotion of you or his feelings for you get over him and beat him down. He was always smiling. Am I jealous, you're goddamn right I am,. But do I also want him happy? Yes! So that's why I asked to meet with you. You made him happy. Do I want him to leave me for you, fuck no. But do I realize you are a mainstay in his life regardless of how I feel, yes. Why? Because you centered him. He didn't think about any fucking drama when he talked to you. He was relaxed. I can't even tell you how many years it's been since I've seen him like that.
Autumn Ross: Maybe he is finally just getting used to being a normal person instead of a celebrity?
Roeper Hart: Maybe... But the fact is, Autumn, you're the first person in a long time not to ask for an autograph, try and slip him your number, try and hit on him, try and do whatever. You and Jake became close naturally. You didn't develop feelings for the celebrity or the aura of "The Social Misfit," you met the man I met. And I get why he's alluring and I get why he's attractive. But right now my goal is to get him to a place where HE is happy. Not me, not you, not anyone but him. That's how much I love him. And honestly, as much as I hate to say this, I think that's how much you love him, too.
Roeper Hart: I'm sorry... Watching the man I love die on me, and have to be brought back to life at the last possible second made me realize, yeah, this was his doing, but we all should have seen it coming. We weren't responsible for his actions, but we should have been there to protect him. And now's our chance. Every, single, one of us. We all have a responsibility to HIM to help him through this.
Autumn Ross: So what do you expect me to do then? I feel like I put him there...
Roeper Hart: He wants to see you more than anyone...
Autumn Ross: Why me? Seriously, why me?
Roeper Hart: He saw you... He said you saw him... I don't know what that means, but he won't stop repeating it over, and over, and over again...
Autumn Ross: Do you realize how uncomfortable I'd be seeing him?
Roeper Hart: You wouldn't have an audience... You wouldn't have a time limit... Whatever you two need to discuss, you need to discuss...
Autumn Ross: I woudln't know what to say to him...
Roeper Hart: I can promise he doesn't know what to say either. You're an enigma to him. You're special. I can't pull rank and try and put pressure on that bond you two have created. If I did...
Roeper Hart: ... If I did I'd be no better than anyone who says they care about someone and then tries to hurt them ina nother manner by controlling them. Jake needs to make a lot of decisions for himself. I can't make them for him. You can't make them for him. But what we can all do is fucking be there and support him, and show him he isn't fighting alone anymore. I mean, do you realize how miserable he is, strapped to his bed? He can't hug his own daughter. Until he is stable again, he can't even hug his own fucking daughter. Not me, her. Why? Because he lost a battle we didn't help him fight. So we all have to show him we are there. For fuck's sake... I don't know how you became this perfect to him, and I don't fucking care right now. I just want him to be able to hold his daughter again. I want his daughter to start forgetting about her father's corpse being risen from the dead and remember the dad who took her to Adventureland that day. I can't do it all...
It's all of that, right there, that makes you wonder what happiness truly is. Is it something as easy as a puzzle geared for a toddler, or is it something more complex, like a 3D puzzle that pisses more people off than it does make them feel satisfaction? But the question is, were they right? Could they have helped me prevent this? Were there warning signs I was putting out, letting them know I was leading myself down a path that would make me say, fuck life?
I think even more important than that... Why should it be their responsibility to "help" or "save" someone like me? I know I am the furthest thing from a model citizen. I am a creep. I'm a shitty person. I've had my transgressions, but yet there are people who are willing to put those transgressions behind them to say, "we need to fight beside him?" I don't know how to comprehend it. I don't know how to feel about it. Why? Because my whole life has been spent playing that role for others. I've been the guy who has supported others and been able to read them, and know when they needed someone by their side. I've never needed someone by mine. But yet... People think I do. And for once, I realize they're right. I realize I can't fight my own demons alone. I can't fight my own unhappiness alone. I need the power of others to supplement my own.
I just can't do it...
Jake Starr: You know... I remember this night. It wasn't a title fight, it wasn't even a match with any title implications, but it was a night I will never forget. Why? It was the night where I realized how much I was unhappy pretending to be something I wasn't. Now, in this picture what you'll see is Justin Halesz beating the fuck out of X-Terminator in a grudge match that was years in the making. It was a grudge match that originally started with X-Terminator and me as Bobby Denton, but then gradually built over the years until I finally just went out there and said, "fuck it."
That was that night.
I won. I got the victory. I won the feud. I did everything I was out to accomplish. But I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy not being me. Not going out there and just being genuine with everyone. Sure, I can play a role. I can be put in a persona to try and "get over," but inside, inside they all were a waste of my time and effort. I don't care what I won as Thrawn, Justin Halesz, Bobby Denton, or any of the other names and personas I was given. None meant much more than a short moment of happiness followed by a continual disgust that I was having to play a role, and not be myself. All of it became one giant demon inside for me to constantly have to live with, even to this day. Why? Because, look around us, there are pictures of me in many different get-ups and personas, but very, very, few of them are of me as Jake Starr. Very few of them are me as me.
... And I know I could go into a fit of rage about it all, but seriously what does that prove? What does it get me? More anger? More frustration? These pictures aren't here to do that. Shit the owner of this place does it to honor me, and while it bothers me that there's less of "Jake Starr" versus others, I appreciate what he's going for and I can't say it doesn't mean something to me on the whole.
But that picture was the night I realized I needed to quit playing games and start being myself and making me happy. The problem was, I didn't, and probably still, don't know how to make myself happy. When Jake Starr jumped from fed to fed and had so many black marks after his name, it was necaise I was still playing a role. I was still playing this idea of me being this social outcast that fit in nowhere in life, where truthfully, inside that ring I fit in better than most in the world. This idea I had that I would always be this "Social Misift" became my crutch. It became what I would say when I would piss people off. It was never, "blame the guy who ran his mouth," it was "blame society, blame others." For a long while I had success, too. But that success just kept making me always go back to the well, and try it all over again. I would recycle catchphrases, I would recycle threats, I would just repeat myself until I was blue in the face. It was all I knew to do in order to win...
Many tried to get in my head. Many tried to tell me that I needed to "evolve." I never even made an effort to do so. I never TRIED to evolve. I would claim I did by tweaking some minor aspect of my game that, in the end, didn't matter worth a flip when it came to winners and losers. I was still the same guy. And honestly, to this day, I probably am still 95-99 percent that same guy, too...
... And while many people tried, individually, and failed, it took an army to finally make me sit down and listen. It wasn't an intervention. It wasn't a moment where I felt compelled to run. No, for once I felt like everyone who had seen me FUCKING DIE in front of them, were there to stand by me and tell me that it was time to simply listen to what they had to say. And they didn't opt to do it when I couldn't move. They didn't make me listen when I was shackled to a bed because they could guarantee I wouldn't run away or ignore them. No... They waited until I was out of the hospital. They all told me they wanted to talk as a group individually. They didn't want me blindsided. They wanted me to be so scared straight from what I had just done that maybe, just maybe I would listen to them as a whole...
... And they were right!
Their message, it was clear from the start. It wasn't, "oh Jake, you need help." That was too fucking obvious. No... They all said it was time for me to be selfish in a way that wasn't a detriment to my health, but instead a positive. They all said that for years I've been spending my time trying to play the role of Superman to everyone, and it was time Superman got to take a fucking break and do what he wanted to do. They said it was time for Superman to have some fun in his life. They said it was time for me to just quit trying to be this person fitting into whatever mold my own mind made up, or I was told to fit into, and just be whoever I was born to be. And yeah, sure, that makes me unique. It makes me one of a kind. It makes me, and here I give everyone a chance to throw shade, yes, a Social Misfit. But in the end, it just makes me one of the billions of people in this world who are all Social Misifts in their own right. But they wanted me to remember, to learn, and to enjoy being myself for once in my life.
Which is why I am here now. It's why I am entering myself into the Taking Hold of the Flame battle royal. It's why I have the support of every, single, person behind me supporting me on this quest as well. They're not questioning my motives. They're not telling me I'm insane. They're not telling me I'm wrong and I should push the business out of my life. When they sat me down they told me I needed to do something for myself. You all saw me. You saw the state I was in. It wasn't me. It wasn't Jake Starr the MAN. It was a complete farce of who I have ever been. And their words, their encouragement, all of it reminded me that sometimes in life you need to go out there and you need to fight for what you believe in and what you want.
And what do I want?
Yeah...
... I kind of want to main event Rise to Greatness!
Now, I know what you're saying. i know you're saying, "oh here goes Jake, wanting a title match, yadda yadda yadda." You're thinking, "oh what else is new, he wants to be the center of attention." And to that I say, "and your point?!"
See folks, you're going to always hear the same people talking about why this match matters, and what storylines it can further, but for me, this is a moment where I get to just go out there, do my thing, and if I win, YAY! Do I want to win, FUCK YES! Am I guaranteeing it by saying I'm a Phoenix, or this is my last hoorah, or this is my comeback, FUCK NO! I'm walking out there purely for the sake of saying, someone created a match where I can have a title shot and, ultimately, I take as little damage getting there as possible. So why the fuck not try? Shit, Greg did it for how many years, and he finally won it? Apparently that strategy works. The difference here is, if I don't win, maybe I call it the end of the road. Maybe I don't. I don't have a plan and there are no threats either way. I'm walking out there to have fun, to feel the energy of the fans when the "Sound of Madness" begins to echo and they go, "OMG HE'S ALIVE!"
The irony of that thought will be that since they saw me last I did technically die...
And yes, I'm about the only one here who will make comedy out of trying to kill myself, but I digress...
The fact is I am walking into Taking Hold of the Flame about as blind as they come, and I love it. I don't know who the champions of SCW are. I don't know who has entered. I have been so isolated from everything, I don't know who is even in the battle royal. So in essence, I have to prepare for everyone. I have to prepare for ANYONE. I have to be as surprised that they arrived as they are that I will, and I am OK with that. Why? Because too many times I have gone into this battle royal with too much on my mind. I have overanalyzed the competition. I have overanalyzed and had to come up with reasons why I was the front runner for the victor. This year, I just don't care that much. Whoever shows up, I'll fight. Whoever doesn't show up, I won't even pay no mind to.
And most importantly, whoever is the World Champion come the end of the night will be who sees Jake Starr at Rise to Greatness!
Seriously, you people think that I am not going to TRY and win? Yeah, I get it, I'm "Captain Ring Rust," and I'm the guy who was truly last seen losing at Rise to Greatness, so why would this be any different? You may be right. You could be so on the ball that I applaud you when all is said and done, but the fact is I am coming in there to do the unthinkable and that is be gone for God knows how long, and win. I'm going in there to be fucking GREEDY and take something for my own enjoyment that others may not necessarily approve of.
And I'm not ashamed to admit it!
In the end what do I have to lose, huh? I look around me right now and all I see is SUPPORT. This isn't "wrestling" support. They're not going to come make the numbers game in my favor, and help me win. They are people who love me and want me to simply be happy, and if that means being a little greedy bastard and trying to get a freebie World Title shot, then so be it! If I come back empty handed, you know what...
They'll all be right here waiting!
That's the thing... I have everything I've ever wanted right here behind me. I'm a Hall of Famer in SCW, and that was something I never thought would happen. I've won every title I could win, and I did that before anyone else in SCW. I've held titles in two organizations at once. I've done a lot in my wrestling career, and ultimately, to these people behind me, none of it matters. Taking Hold of the Flame doesn't matter. What matters is simple... I walk out there, and I walk back proud. I have to be proud in what I do, whether is stereotypically point at a sign, or come up short like I have in every other Taking Hold of the Flame I have ever entered. They simply want me proud.
And I'll tell you that right there means more than winning. It means I've already won. It means I've already achieved what I wanted to achieve. It means that those I care about most are ALREADY proud of me. And that means that I am already walking in playing on house money. If I had something to prove, someone to prove it to, or some reason to prove it to myself, I'd say so. I have nothing to prove. SCW bestowed that honor on me when they gave me a ring and a "title" that I can't lose. They told me I had proven it all. But it took everyone behind me, and my own selfish stupidity to understand it and believe it. That night I walk in a new man. I walk in, for the first time ever, as Jake Starr. I walk in as myself, my true self, and my only self. I don't fit a mold. I don't fit a storyline. I fit the only mold I should have tried to fit into, and that is my own. Because when the dust settles, win or lose, Jake Starr's name goes on the tongues of the masses once again.
People will remember me...
People will see me...
People will fear me...
And Rise to Greatness will CALL me!
I'm back, bitches!
... Admitting I needed help was the biggest struggle I faced for the longest time during this ascension from my rock bottom. I'm me. I'm Superman. I don't need help, I am the help. I helped a friend through an abusive relationship, I helped my daughter through a lot of bullying in school, hell I helped my best friend through his own suicide attempt, and subsequent patching of a relationship with my nephew.
I never needed the help.
They needed the help.
And I was always there for them. But now it was my turn to truly accept the help, appreciate the help, and ultimately embrace it as well. If I couldn't, I was destined to crawl right back in the hole I was trying to escape, or worse, lose my grip crawling out, and fully fall back in head first. So when I finally awoke from my, oh hell let's just call it my little nap, to find so much support in the room with me, ready to fight by my side and not chastize, blame, or question me, was encouraging to see.
The only thing missing was her...
Yeah, I can't lie and say that her not being there when I woke up was kind of heartbreaking. But I also didn't know what was to come and that we would have our moment to talk. And it was a conversation that we both needed to have, and watched to have. I think we wanted to have it on different terms. I mean, seriously, who wanted to discuss how they feel about someone when they're literally shackled to a bed frame, and not in some "50 Shades" kind of situation. I was stuck being shackled to my best with minimal freedoms from them until my psychiatrist deemed me mentally stable. But even with the restraints, even with the limited mobility, I was able to have a moment that truly, I don't think I'll ever forget...
Jake Starr: You... You came back...
Autumn Ross: What do you mean?
Jake Starr: I saw you when I coded... Clear as day, I saw you...
Autumn Ross: You may have heard about a woman outside who saw it, but you and I both know you didn't see me, Jake...
Jake Starr: You ran off crying. You were terrified. You felt responsible... I could see it, and I could feel it. And I swear you looked right up at me before you ran off...
Autumn Ross: The light, Jake... It just flashed at me... It probably was when they shocked you, and it effected the electricity in the room. It just added to the panic, Jake. We both know this.
Jake Starr: Well... Regardless, you're here. And I've hoped that you would come and see me.
Autumn Ross: I've wanted to see you more than anything. I figured I was the last person you'd want to see, though. I mean, I put you through a lot of this. I'm the one who pushed...
Jake Starr: Autumn... Stop... Only one person is responsible here and it's me. If you were responsible, you'd be equally as restrained and locked up like a prisoner The fact is, it's my own damn fault.
Autumn Ross: It feels like mine, Jake...I came into your life, and I've done nothing but cause you problems at home.
Jake Starr: I'm pretty sure it goes both ways, dear...
Jake Starr: ... Why are you here if you feel responsible? You coming to apologize? Beg me to forgive you? What? Why come if you feel I'm going to have such negativity toward you?
Autumn Ross: I... Because...
Jake Starr: Autumn... Talk to me dear...
Autumn Ross: I've wanted to be by your side since this happened. I've wanted to be right here waiting for you to get better and wake up, even if I felt it was my fault. I've wanted to hold your hand, tell you I'm here for you, and you're stuck with me. I don't know how you feel but, the fact is, I wanted to be by your side through all of this and even if you hated me after, always be there if you needed or wanted me to be. You mean the world to me, and when Roeper contacted me, I...
Jake Starr: She contacted you? Why?
Autumn Ross: Because she said she could tell I made you happy... And... She wanted... She wanted me to come and talk to you and see you by myself, when nobody else would be around. She wanted me and you to figure us out.
Jake Starr: She wanted you to come see me? Why? That doesn't make sense...
Autumn Ross: She loves you, and yeah, I'm not going to lie, I love you, too. You're literally the only person I've ever been able to open up to. She says she seems the emotion in your eyes as well. And like I said, I don't know how you feel about me, but I want to be in your life and have you in mine. If I can't have you, I still want you in my life. I haven't been as happy, or as confident in myself since I met you. You bring out a side in me I want to let out more. But I also respect your feelings, and...
Jake Starr: I love you, too...
Autumn Ross: What did you say?
Jake Starr: I said I love you, too...
Autumn Ross: Jake, I get that what I'm saying is a lot, but you don't have to say something to make me happy and...
Jake Starr: Listen to me... I love you, too. I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't know what it means for the future. But there was a fucking reason I saw you, and nobody else did. There was a reason I NEEDED to know you were there. When I woke up you were the first I looked for after I looked for Mara.
Autumn Ross: I call bullshit...
Jake Starr: Then fucking call bullshit. This room was packed. I saw everyone, but knew I didn't see you. I knew the last thing I could remember was you in tears running, and knowing you felt responsible. You're the one I've needed to talk to more than anyone because I've felt your feelings like I know you've felt mine. I also know we're both in positions where life wouldn't be the easiest for either of us if we just pursued everything at once. My guess is that's what Roeper felt, too. She could tell that you and I have to figure out what there is or isn't.
Autumn Ross: And if there is something?
Jake Starr: Then I guess we figure out what we are doing from there. But right now, I can't really get on a knee and proposse for multiple reasons.
Jake Starr: ... But Roeper isn't stupid. She knows something is there. She also knows coming at it like a bat out of hell will make me run another direction faster than a tornado in Kansas. She knows I have to figure my own shit out. Hell, how do you really think I ended up here? Hell WHY do you think I ended up here? I thought I was taking the right way out to finally shut all the voices, all the demons, all the negativity out of my life. But then I remembered one bright spot. I remembered one shining light to show me life isn't just darkness. And that light gave me hope. Yeah, I watched it run away, but it being there, seeing me flash at her, I suppose, and me knowing she was right there all along, was the hope I needed to fight on.
And I won't lie... It sucks because it puts pressure on you. It puts you in a situaion where you feel like you have to "save" me. You don't have to do anything but be in my life. A wise woman said it best, like a couple of minutes ago, you're stuck with me...
Jake Starr: ... What comes of this, neither of us know. And honestly today isn't the day to figure it out...
Jake Starr: ... Mainly because I'm liable to fall asleep on you.
Autumn Ross: I won't lie, you're kind of cute when you sleep and snore.
Jake Starr: Yeah, thanks babe...
Autumn Ross: So what now? What is the next step?
Jake Starr: First and foremost, I want my friend back. Yeah, we love one another. Yeah, we may have a road to travel together in the future, which will require some serious thought and tough decisions on each of our parts. But the fact is, I just want that friend, that BEST friend, there to be by my side while I figure out why I did what I did. Why did I think killing myself was right? I know, now, it wasn't, but what was it that made me so hurt inside and so weak that I took that route? It's a question I have to answer on my own, but for once, I can't fight this alone. I need ALL the help I can get. And honestly, that means EVERYONE fighting beside me. But without you, that's a big puzzle piece missing. That's a big cog in the wheel that makes the entire machine not work.
Autumn Ross: You're... Stuck... With... Me...
... "You're stuck with me" is a phrase that will forever be etched in my soul. Something nobody has ever told me. I've seen wedding vows in my day, and I have also seen reiterations of love from a spouse. But never has someoine promised that they were never going to exit my life, and always be there in some form or fasion. I've never had that reassurance.
But she was willing to give it to me.
Like I said, where everything goes from here is up in the air. I have a lot I have to figure out about myself. I have a lot to figure out about what drove me to such selfish decisions. It wasn't anyone else's fault, it was mine. Anytime someone tries to off themselves, it's a personal decision. My best friend made it and everyday I questioned his motives and felt responsible. Now, I know he did it because it was the only way he felt he could escape the pain. I also realize it was the dumbest decision I ever made. Why? Not JUST because it is never the right answer, but because I realize, now, it'd hurt others more than I ever hurt. It'd make people feel like I did when he tried. Ultimately, it'd make me the bad guy in a situation where my demons are the bad guys, and I was simply a victim of their attacks.
So what's next?
Where do I go from here?
Well for one, I don't fight alone. This isn't me needing someone by my side in a professional or personal setting. It's me willing to ask for help with I need it. It's me being willing to accept the help of others. I'm not perfect and I have a lot to figure out. I'm not giving up. I'm not backing down. I've never let a fight beat me, but that track record almost went to shit because I gave up on myself. Now... Now I re-energize that faith, and simply take it a day at a time. It's time to stolp trying to solve the World's problems everyday, and simply worry about what crosses my path instead.
One day at a time...
Take hold of it... One day at a time...
Let alone two of them...
When my selfishness got the better of me, there were two people who knew that their feelings for me mattered both in my eyes and in theirs. They may have not agreed on the fact that they both felt as they did, but nevertheless, when it came to the living and well-being of me, they did their best to put it behind them, as I understand. The reason I say this is because something happened after I was revived. Something transpired that led both of these individuals to confront one another and address the matters at hand, in this case, me.
I won't lie when I say the details from as I understand it are sketchy, but it seems as if my wife reached out to the woman I saw, and who saw me, and wanted to meet with her. The reasoning, I don't know. Neither have opened up to me on it. Neither have broken whatever agreement they made to one another. But the fact is they met. The two that mattered in my life came face to face. They met on the decision of my wife, as I understand it. It's a detail I still find quite difficult to believe in full, but everyone who has explained this situation to me has corroborated it, so it's what Ihave to go on. Nevertheless, when I came to and realized they had talked, my heart raced, my level of fear rose to new heights, but at that point, there was nothing I could do about it...
It is a warm, Spring, day in Des Moines and the woman at the center of the strife between Jake Starr and his wife Roeper, Autumn Ross, sits alone outside one of the local Starbucks. She's obviously very uneasy, looking around and trying to sip her beverage without shaking too much. She's not a fan of confrontation, and typically does everything in her power to avoid it. Unfortunately, in this situation, it is one she knows she must face head on, and accept whatever comes her way.
As she sits and waits, a woman walks into the establishment, orders herself a coffee, and immediately walks back outside. She begins to scan the tables, and upon seeing Autumn alone, begins to approach her with pace. Autumn, back to the woman is unaware she is being approached.
As she sits and waits, a woman walks into the establishment, orders herself a coffee, and immediately walks back outside. She begins to scan the tables, and upon seeing Autumn alone, begins to approach her with pace. Autumn, back to the woman is unaware she is being approached.
Roeper Hart: I'm going to assume you're Autumn...
Autumn gasps, closes her eyes briefly and then stands up. As she turns around, for the first time ever, she and Roeper Hart look one another in the eye. Before everything went down with Jake ending up in the hospital, Jake had told Autumn about his feelings for her, and that Roeper was aware of them. She had, in turn, professed her feelings for him as well, but was also adamant about not being to ruin Jake's life because of how she felt.
Autumn Ross: I... I am... I presume you're Roeper?
Roeper Hart: Yes... Shall we sit?
Autumn Ross: Um... Sure...
Roeper takes a deep breath.
Roeper Hart: Listen... I'm not here to attack you, berate you, or tell you that you're a bad person. I'm here because of Jake. As I'm sure you're aware he knew you were there that day he coded?
Autumn's eyes widen.
Autumn Ross: How? I didn't even come in the room.
Roeper Hart: That's a spiritual thing with Jake that I don't quite understand, either. But the fact is, he says he saw you, and he saw you run off crying.
Autumn is almost creeped out, with Jake knowing exactly what she did.
Roeper Hart: ... And the fact is he wants to see you. He wants to talk to you. But I told him before he got to talk to you, I wanted to talk to you first.
Autumn Ross: But why? Why would you want anything to do with me?
Roeper Hart: Because of this simple reason... I love him, and I want him happy. I've sat around these past however many months seeing him legitimately happy when he's talking to you. He's not uptight, and hell, he's even been nicer to me. Yeah, when he told me he had feelings for you, it was a bit of punch to the gut. But I also know he was honest about it with me. He was honest enough to admit you make him happy, too. And as much as I want to follow blind jealousy and say to stay away from him, I know that would do me more harm than good, and he'd distance from me...
Autumn Ross: How do you know that? How do you know he wouldn't go along with it? I'm a nobody. Our history is short compared to the two of you.
Roeper Hart: It may be, but right now you're in his life for a reason. Do I want this to blossom into romance, no. But I also don't want to see him feeling guilty that you caused this.
-i -But I was a key figure...
Roeper Hart: No, Autumn. Jake has been spiraling for years. He's been facing more demons than anyone has known about, and it culminated in what he did to himself. You had nothing to do with it. As much as I don't have the highest opinion of you and my husband having feelings for one another, I'm realistic enough to know you didn't cause this. This was something he held off on doing far longer than I think any of us who love him can imagine. He still made this choice himself. Whatever made him do it wasn't anyone's fault but his own. He let everything build until he couldn't fight back anymore.
He let his demons win.
For years he put on the persona of Jake Starr to try and push them to the back burner, and you know what, he did a good job of it. He fooled me, he fooled his best friends, he fooled us all. Then reality sank in, and he gave up on himself. And yeah, like you, I take part of that blame, even though it's hypocritical of me to say...
Autumn Ross: How are you even remotely to blame? How is it not completely on me? Had I not talked to Jake at Adventureland we would have never met, and never gotten to this point...
Roeper Hart: Because you're not a demon to him. Regardless of your relationship, whether anything has happened or will happen, it's irrelevant. He was never letting the emotion of you or his feelings for you get over him and beat him down. He was always smiling. Am I jealous, you're goddamn right I am,. But do I also want him happy? Yes! So that's why I asked to meet with you. You made him happy. Do I want him to leave me for you, fuck no. But do I realize you are a mainstay in his life regardless of how I feel, yes. Why? Because you centered him. He didn't think about any fucking drama when he talked to you. He was relaxed. I can't even tell you how many years it's been since I've seen him like that.
Autumn Ross: Maybe he is finally just getting used to being a normal person instead of a celebrity?
Roeper Hart: Maybe... But the fact is, Autumn, you're the first person in a long time not to ask for an autograph, try and slip him your number, try and hit on him, try and do whatever. You and Jake became close naturally. You didn't develop feelings for the celebrity or the aura of "The Social Misfit," you met the man I met. And I get why he's alluring and I get why he's attractive. But right now my goal is to get him to a place where HE is happy. Not me, not you, not anyone but him. That's how much I love him. And honestly, as much as I hate to say this, I think that's how much you love him, too.
Roeper begins to get emotional.
Roeper Hart: I'm sorry... Watching the man I love die on me, and have to be brought back to life at the last possible second made me realize, yeah, this was his doing, but we all should have seen it coming. We weren't responsible for his actions, but we should have been there to protect him. And now's our chance. Every, single, one of us. We all have a responsibility to HIM to help him through this.
Autumn has tears slowly rolling down each of her cheeks.
Autumn Ross: So what do you expect me to do then? I feel like I put him there...
Roeper's tears increase as well.
Roeper Hart: He wants to see you more than anyone...
Autumn Ross: Why me? Seriously, why me?
Roeper Hart: He saw you... He said you saw him... I don't know what that means, but he won't stop repeating it over, and over, and over again...
Autumn Ross: Do you realize how uncomfortable I'd be seeing him?
Roeper Hart: You wouldn't have an audience... You wouldn't have a time limit... Whatever you two need to discuss, you need to discuss...
Autumn Ross: I woudln't know what to say to him...
Roeper Hart: I can promise he doesn't know what to say either. You're an enigma to him. You're special. I can't pull rank and try and put pressure on that bond you two have created. If I did...
Roeper gets choked up.
Roeper Hart: ... If I did I'd be no better than anyone who says they care about someone and then tries to hurt them ina nother manner by controlling them. Jake needs to make a lot of decisions for himself. I can't make them for him. You can't make them for him. But what we can all do is fucking be there and support him, and show him he isn't fighting alone anymore. I mean, do you realize how miserable he is, strapped to his bed? He can't hug his own daughter. Until he is stable again, he can't even hug his own fucking daughter. Not me, her. Why? Because he lost a battle we didn't help him fight. So we all have to show him we are there. For fuck's sake... I don't know how you became this perfect to him, and I don't fucking care right now. I just want him to be able to hold his daughter again. I want his daughter to start forgetting about her father's corpse being risen from the dead and remember the dad who took her to Adventureland that day. I can't do it all...
Autumn's tears become heavier and heavier. She still feel sthe responsibility of Jake's actions, but also realizes that, from one woman to another, from one woman who loves this man to smeone her equal, she doesn't want to see Jake fall down the same path again. She knows there are a lot of questions and answers they need to have with one another, and she wants Jake better as much as anyone.
It's all of that, right there, that makes you wonder what happiness truly is. Is it something as easy as a puzzle geared for a toddler, or is it something more complex, like a 3D puzzle that pisses more people off than it does make them feel satisfaction? But the question is, were they right? Could they have helped me prevent this? Were there warning signs I was putting out, letting them know I was leading myself down a path that would make me say, fuck life?
I think even more important than that... Why should it be their responsibility to "help" or "save" someone like me? I know I am the furthest thing from a model citizen. I am a creep. I'm a shitty person. I've had my transgressions, but yet there are people who are willing to put those transgressions behind them to say, "we need to fight beside him?" I don't know how to comprehend it. I don't know how to feel about it. Why? Because my whole life has been spent playing that role for others. I've been the guy who has supported others and been able to read them, and know when they needed someone by their side. I've never needed someone by mine. But yet... People think I do. And for once, I realize they're right. I realize I can't fight my own demons alone. I can't fight my own unhappiness alone. I need the power of others to supplement my own.
I just can't do it...
----------------------------------------
The cameras begin rolling on a much different scene than the last. This time, there is no dimly lit room. This time there is no dissheveled man. This time there is only one Jake Starr walking into the door of the training facility he has called home for his entire wrestling career. Jake's demeanor and look is much different. He is more clean shaven. He looks like he's actually had a bath and put on clean clothes. He looks healthy. It's a stark contrast to the man who looked like a shell of the man who is seen now.
As he walks in the front desk area is empty. Jake begins to look around, seeing the pictures on the wall of himself and others who have come out of that training center. He approaches one, a picture of him with his head shaven, his mustache and goatee trimmed, and the persona of Justin Halesz written all over the attitude in his face. Jake knows the camera is there and without prompting or hesitation, he begins to speak.
As he walks in the front desk area is empty. Jake begins to look around, seeing the pictures on the wall of himself and others who have come out of that training center. He approaches one, a picture of him with his head shaven, his mustache and goatee trimmed, and the persona of Justin Halesz written all over the attitude in his face. Jake knows the camera is there and without prompting or hesitation, he begins to speak.
Jake Starr: You know... I remember this night. It wasn't a title fight, it wasn't even a match with any title implications, but it was a night I will never forget. Why? It was the night where I realized how much I was unhappy pretending to be something I wasn't. Now, in this picture what you'll see is Justin Halesz beating the fuck out of X-Terminator in a grudge match that was years in the making. It was a grudge match that originally started with X-Terminator and me as Bobby Denton, but then gradually built over the years until I finally just went out there and said, "fuck it."
That was that night.
I won. I got the victory. I won the feud. I did everything I was out to accomplish. But I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy not being me. Not going out there and just being genuine with everyone. Sure, I can play a role. I can be put in a persona to try and "get over," but inside, inside they all were a waste of my time and effort. I don't care what I won as Thrawn, Justin Halesz, Bobby Denton, or any of the other names and personas I was given. None meant much more than a short moment of happiness followed by a continual disgust that I was having to play a role, and not be myself. All of it became one giant demon inside for me to constantly have to live with, even to this day. Why? Because, look around us, there are pictures of me in many different get-ups and personas, but very, very, few of them are of me as Jake Starr. Very few of them are me as me.
Jake hangs the picture back on the wall.
... And I know I could go into a fit of rage about it all, but seriously what does that prove? What does it get me? More anger? More frustration? These pictures aren't here to do that. Shit the owner of this place does it to honor me, and while it bothers me that there's less of "Jake Starr" versus others, I appreciate what he's going for and I can't say it doesn't mean something to me on the whole.
But that picture was the night I realized I needed to quit playing games and start being myself and making me happy. The problem was, I didn't, and probably still, don't know how to make myself happy. When Jake Starr jumped from fed to fed and had so many black marks after his name, it was necaise I was still playing a role. I was still playing this idea of me being this social outcast that fit in nowhere in life, where truthfully, inside that ring I fit in better than most in the world. This idea I had that I would always be this "Social Misift" became my crutch. It became what I would say when I would piss people off. It was never, "blame the guy who ran his mouth," it was "blame society, blame others." For a long while I had success, too. But that success just kept making me always go back to the well, and try it all over again. I would recycle catchphrases, I would recycle threats, I would just repeat myself until I was blue in the face. It was all I knew to do in order to win...
Many tried to get in my head. Many tried to tell me that I needed to "evolve." I never even made an effort to do so. I never TRIED to evolve. I would claim I did by tweaking some minor aspect of my game that, in the end, didn't matter worth a flip when it came to winners and losers. I was still the same guy. And honestly, to this day, I probably am still 95-99 percent that same guy, too...
Jake starts walking to the back of the facility. They come to the door where behind holds the wrestling portion of the gym. As Jake enters, a few lights are on, what looks to be a converted basketball court with a wrestling ring in the middle, and as he walks in, the lights turn on one by one, illuminating his path to the ring.
As Jake gets closer to the ring, and the lights illuminate more and more of the training facility, it is quickly seen that Jake isn't alone. Instead, standing inside the ring are all of the people who have ever impacted Jake's life and been members of his inner circle. From his parents, to his family, to the many members of the Social Misfits over time,. to even Pepper and Autumn, they all stand there, leaning over the ropes and looking down at Jake as he turns back toward the camera.
As Jake gets closer to the ring, and the lights illuminate more and more of the training facility, it is quickly seen that Jake isn't alone. Instead, standing inside the ring are all of the people who have ever impacted Jake's life and been members of his inner circle. From his parents, to his family, to the many members of the Social Misfits over time,. to even Pepper and Autumn, they all stand there, leaning over the ropes and looking down at Jake as he turns back toward the camera.
... And while many people tried, individually, and failed, it took an army to finally make me sit down and listen. It wasn't an intervention. It wasn't a moment where I felt compelled to run. No, for once I felt like everyone who had seen me FUCKING DIE in front of them, were there to stand by me and tell me that it was time to simply listen to what they had to say. And they didn't opt to do it when I couldn't move. They didn't make me listen when I was shackled to a bed because they could guarantee I wouldn't run away or ignore them. No... They waited until I was out of the hospital. They all told me they wanted to talk as a group individually. They didn't want me blindsided. They wanted me to be so scared straight from what I had just done that maybe, just maybe I would listen to them as a whole...
Jake makes eye contact with all behind him inside the ring, and nods.
... And they were right!
Their message, it was clear from the start. It wasn't, "oh Jake, you need help." That was too fucking obvious. No... They all said it was time for me to be selfish in a way that wasn't a detriment to my health, but instead a positive. They all said that for years I've been spending my time trying to play the role of Superman to everyone, and it was time Superman got to take a fucking break and do what he wanted to do. They said it was time for Superman to have some fun in his life. They said it was time for me to just quit trying to be this person fitting into whatever mold my own mind made up, or I was told to fit into, and just be whoever I was born to be. And yeah, sure, that makes me unique. It makes me one of a kind. It makes me, and here I give everyone a chance to throw shade, yes, a Social Misfit. But in the end, it just makes me one of the billions of people in this world who are all Social Misifts in their own right. But they wanted me to remember, to learn, and to enjoy being myself for once in my life.
Which is why I am here now. It's why I am entering myself into the Taking Hold of the Flame battle royal. It's why I have the support of every, single, person behind me supporting me on this quest as well. They're not questioning my motives. They're not telling me I'm insane. They're not telling me I'm wrong and I should push the business out of my life. When they sat me down they told me I needed to do something for myself. You all saw me. You saw the state I was in. It wasn't me. It wasn't Jake Starr the MAN. It was a complete farce of who I have ever been. And their words, their encouragement, all of it reminded me that sometimes in life you need to go out there and you need to fight for what you believe in and what you want.
And what do I want?
Yeah...
Jake's cheeky grin, a mainstay in who has defined Jake Starr appears.
... I kind of want to main event Rise to Greatness!
Now, I know what you're saying. i know you're saying, "oh here goes Jake, wanting a title match, yadda yadda yadda." You're thinking, "oh what else is new, he wants to be the center of attention." And to that I say, "and your point?!"
See folks, you're going to always hear the same people talking about why this match matters, and what storylines it can further, but for me, this is a moment where I get to just go out there, do my thing, and if I win, YAY! Do I want to win, FUCK YES! Am I guaranteeing it by saying I'm a Phoenix, or this is my last hoorah, or this is my comeback, FUCK NO! I'm walking out there purely for the sake of saying, someone created a match where I can have a title shot and, ultimately, I take as little damage getting there as possible. So why the fuck not try? Shit, Greg did it for how many years, and he finally won it? Apparently that strategy works. The difference here is, if I don't win, maybe I call it the end of the road. Maybe I don't. I don't have a plan and there are no threats either way. I'm walking out there to have fun, to feel the energy of the fans when the "Sound of Madness" begins to echo and they go, "OMG HE'S ALIVE!"
The irony of that thought will be that since they saw me last I did technically die...
And yes, I'm about the only one here who will make comedy out of trying to kill myself, but I digress...
The fact is I am walking into Taking Hold of the Flame about as blind as they come, and I love it. I don't know who the champions of SCW are. I don't know who has entered. I have been so isolated from everything, I don't know who is even in the battle royal. So in essence, I have to prepare for everyone. I have to prepare for ANYONE. I have to be as surprised that they arrived as they are that I will, and I am OK with that. Why? Because too many times I have gone into this battle royal with too much on my mind. I have overanalyzed the competition. I have overanalyzed and had to come up with reasons why I was the front runner for the victor. This year, I just don't care that much. Whoever shows up, I'll fight. Whoever doesn't show up, I won't even pay no mind to.
And most importantly, whoever is the World Champion come the end of the night will be who sees Jake Starr at Rise to Greatness!
Seriously, you people think that I am not going to TRY and win? Yeah, I get it, I'm "Captain Ring Rust," and I'm the guy who was truly last seen losing at Rise to Greatness, so why would this be any different? You may be right. You could be so on the ball that I applaud you when all is said and done, but the fact is I am coming in there to do the unthinkable and that is be gone for God knows how long, and win. I'm going in there to be fucking GREEDY and take something for my own enjoyment that others may not necessarily approve of.
Jake throws his arms to the side.
And I'm not ashamed to admit it!
In the end what do I have to lose, huh? I look around me right now and all I see is SUPPORT. This isn't "wrestling" support. They're not going to come make the numbers game in my favor, and help me win. They are people who love me and want me to simply be happy, and if that means being a little greedy bastard and trying to get a freebie World Title shot, then so be it! If I come back empty handed, you know what...
Jake gets close to the camera.
They'll all be right here waiting!
That's the thing... I have everything I've ever wanted right here behind me. I'm a Hall of Famer in SCW, and that was something I never thought would happen. I've won every title I could win, and I did that before anyone else in SCW. I've held titles in two organizations at once. I've done a lot in my wrestling career, and ultimately, to these people behind me, none of it matters. Taking Hold of the Flame doesn't matter. What matters is simple... I walk out there, and I walk back proud. I have to be proud in what I do, whether is stereotypically point at a sign, or come up short like I have in every other Taking Hold of the Flame I have ever entered. They simply want me proud.
Jake takes a deep breath, calming himself before wrapping up.
And I'll tell you that right there means more than winning. It means I've already won. It means I've already achieved what I wanted to achieve. It means that those I care about most are ALREADY proud of me. And that means that I am already walking in playing on house money. If I had something to prove, someone to prove it to, or some reason to prove it to myself, I'd say so. I have nothing to prove. SCW bestowed that honor on me when they gave me a ring and a "title" that I can't lose. They told me I had proven it all. But it took everyone behind me, and my own selfish stupidity to understand it and believe it. That night I walk in a new man. I walk in, for the first time ever, as Jake Starr. I walk in as myself, my true self, and my only self. I don't fit a mold. I don't fit a storyline. I fit the only mold I should have tried to fit into, and that is my own. Because when the dust settles, win or lose, Jake Starr's name goes on the tongues of the masses once again.
People will remember me...
People will see me...
People will fear me...
And Rise to Greatness will CALL me!
I'm back, bitches!
----------------------------------------
... Admitting I needed help was the biggest struggle I faced for the longest time during this ascension from my rock bottom. I'm me. I'm Superman. I don't need help, I am the help. I helped a friend through an abusive relationship, I helped my daughter through a lot of bullying in school, hell I helped my best friend through his own suicide attempt, and subsequent patching of a relationship with my nephew.
I never needed the help.
They needed the help.
And I was always there for them. But now it was my turn to truly accept the help, appreciate the help, and ultimately embrace it as well. If I couldn't, I was destined to crawl right back in the hole I was trying to escape, or worse, lose my grip crawling out, and fully fall back in head first. So when I finally awoke from my, oh hell let's just call it my little nap, to find so much support in the room with me, ready to fight by my side and not chastize, blame, or question me, was encouraging to see.
The only thing missing was her...
Yeah, I can't lie and say that her not being there when I woke up was kind of heartbreaking. But I also didn't know what was to come and that we would have our moment to talk. And it was a conversation that we both needed to have, and watched to have. I think we wanted to have it on different terms. I mean, seriously, who wanted to discuss how they feel about someone when they're literally shackled to a bed frame, and not in some "50 Shades" kind of situation. I was stuck being shackled to my best with minimal freedoms from them until my psychiatrist deemed me mentally stable. But even with the restraints, even with the limited mobility, I was able to have a moment that truly, I don't think I'll ever forget...
Inside the hospital room of, a now conscious but still medicated and shackled to the bed, Jake Starr, he slowly begins to wake up from one of his many naps a day. The TV is still on from when he dozed off, and is now on some random show that Jake was not watching initially. Jake begins to pat the bed, looking for the remote and when he can't find it by simply feeling, he turns his head and looks down by his restrained hand.
As Jake looks down his eye immediately catches something in his peripheral vision, a pair of legs sitting in the chair in the corner. Jake has been used to people coming and going, so it's not the most surprising thing for him to see, but as his vision clears up, he notices it's not one of his usual guests, but the first-time appearance of Autumn, herself. Jake blinks his eyes hard, not believing what he's seeing. When he realizes he's not dreaming or medicated, he's able to utter words. His voice is scratchy from the breathing tube they had him on while unconscious, but still audible for her to hear.
As Jake looks down his eye immediately catches something in his peripheral vision, a pair of legs sitting in the chair in the corner. Jake has been used to people coming and going, so it's not the most surprising thing for him to see, but as his vision clears up, he notices it's not one of his usual guests, but the first-time appearance of Autumn, herself. Jake blinks his eyes hard, not believing what he's seeing. When he realizes he's not dreaming or medicated, he's able to utter words. His voice is scratchy from the breathing tube they had him on while unconscious, but still audible for her to hear.
Jake Starr: You... You came back...
Autumn looks a bit confused.
Autumn Ross: What do you mean?
Jake Starr: I saw you when I coded... Clear as day, I saw you...
Autumn Ross: You may have heard about a woman outside who saw it, but you and I both know you didn't see me, Jake...
Jake Starr: You ran off crying. You were terrified. You felt responsible... I could see it, and I could feel it. And I swear you looked right up at me before you ran off...
As Autumn sits there she remembers a point where she did look up toward the flourescent light in the room, and it seemed to go super bright for a split second. She remembers it adding to her worry for Jake, and contributing to her panic attack.
Autumn Ross: The light, Jake... It just flashed at me... It probably was when they shocked you, and it effected the electricity in the room. It just added to the panic, Jake. We both know this.
Jake realizes what he believes and what she believes may not ever line up because of the difficulty in believing what he said, and that's fine with him. He's more happy that she's there.
Jake Starr: Well... Regardless, you're here. And I've hoped that you would come and see me.
Autumn Ross: I've wanted to see you more than anything. I figured I was the last person you'd want to see, though. I mean, I put you through a lot of this. I'm the one who pushed...
Jake is quick to interrupt.
Jake Starr: Autumn... Stop... Only one person is responsible here and it's me. If you were responsible, you'd be equally as restrained and locked up like a prisoner The fact is, it's my own damn fault.
Autumn Ross: It feels like mine, Jake...I came into your life, and I've done nothing but cause you problems at home.
Jake Starr: I'm pretty sure it goes both ways, dear...
Autumn sighs.
Jake Starr: ... Why are you here if you feel responsible? You coming to apologize? Beg me to forgive you? What? Why come if you feel I'm going to have such negativity toward you?
Autumn Ross: I... Because...
She sighs.
Jake Starr: Autumn... Talk to me dear...
A tear falls down the cheek of Autumn's face.
Autumn Ross: I've wanted to be by your side since this happened. I've wanted to be right here waiting for you to get better and wake up, even if I felt it was my fault. I've wanted to hold your hand, tell you I'm here for you, and you're stuck with me. I don't know how you feel but, the fact is, I wanted to be by your side through all of this and even if you hated me after, always be there if you needed or wanted me to be. You mean the world to me, and when Roeper contacted me, I...
Again Jake interrupts.
Jake Starr: She contacted you? Why?
The tears begin to fall more.
Autumn Ross: Because she said she could tell I made you happy... And... She wanted... She wanted me to come and talk to you and see you by myself, when nobody else would be around. She wanted me and you to figure us out.
Jake Starr: She wanted you to come see me? Why? That doesn't make sense...
Autumn Ross: She loves you, and yeah, I'm not going to lie, I love you, too. You're literally the only person I've ever been able to open up to. She says she seems the emotion in your eyes as well. And like I said, I don't know how you feel about me, but I want to be in your life and have you in mine. If I can't have you, I still want you in my life. I haven't been as happy, or as confident in myself since I met you. You bring out a side in me I want to let out more. But I also respect your feelings, and...
Jake, as he has done multiple times, cuts her off.
Jake Starr: I love you, too...
Autumn freezes.
Autumn Ross: What did you say?
Jake Starr: I said I love you, too...
Autumn Ross: Jake, I get that what I'm saying is a lot, but you don't have to say something to make me happy and...
Jake Starr: Listen to me... I love you, too. I don't know why. I don't know how. I don't know what it means for the future. But there was a fucking reason I saw you, and nobody else did. There was a reason I NEEDED to know you were there. When I woke up you were the first I looked for after I looked for Mara.
Autumn Ross: I call bullshit...
Jake Starr: Then fucking call bullshit. This room was packed. I saw everyone, but knew I didn't see you. I knew the last thing I could remember was you in tears running, and knowing you felt responsible. You're the one I've needed to talk to more than anyone because I've felt your feelings like I know you've felt mine. I also know we're both in positions where life wouldn't be the easiest for either of us if we just pursued everything at once. My guess is that's what Roeper felt, too. She could tell that you and I have to figure out what there is or isn't.
Autumn Ross: And if there is something?
Jake Starr: Then I guess we figure out what we are doing from there. But right now, I can't really get on a knee and proposse for multiple reasons.
Jake holds his shackled hands up, and shrugs. This gets a small giggle out of Autumn.
Jake Starr: ... But Roeper isn't stupid. She knows something is there. She also knows coming at it like a bat out of hell will make me run another direction faster than a tornado in Kansas. She knows I have to figure my own shit out. Hell, how do you really think I ended up here? Hell WHY do you think I ended up here? I thought I was taking the right way out to finally shut all the voices, all the demons, all the negativity out of my life. But then I remembered one bright spot. I remembered one shining light to show me life isn't just darkness. And that light gave me hope. Yeah, I watched it run away, but it being there, seeing me flash at her, I suppose, and me knowing she was right there all along, was the hope I needed to fight on.
And I won't lie... It sucks because it puts pressure on you. It puts you in a situaion where you feel like you have to "save" me. You don't have to do anything but be in my life. A wise woman said it best, like a couple of minutes ago, you're stuck with me...
Autumn reaches out and grabs Jake's hand.
Jake Starr: ... What comes of this, neither of us know. And honestly today isn't the day to figure it out...
Jake's sarcasm comes out.
Jake Starr: ... Mainly because I'm liable to fall asleep on you.
Autumn chuckles.
Autumn Ross: I won't lie, you're kind of cute when you sleep and snore.
Jake rolls his eyes.
Jake Starr: Yeah, thanks babe...
Autumn takes another sigh.
Autumn Ross: So what now? What is the next step?
Jake Starr: First and foremost, I want my friend back. Yeah, we love one another. Yeah, we may have a road to travel together in the future, which will require some serious thought and tough decisions on each of our parts. But the fact is, I just want that friend, that BEST friend, there to be by my side while I figure out why I did what I did. Why did I think killing myself was right? I know, now, it wasn't, but what was it that made me so hurt inside and so weak that I took that route? It's a question I have to answer on my own, but for once, I can't fight this alone. I need ALL the help I can get. And honestly, that means EVERYONE fighting beside me. But without you, that's a big puzzle piece missing. That's a big cog in the wheel that makes the entire machine not work.
Autumn smiles as another tear rolls down her face.
Autumn Ross: You're... Stuck... With... Me...
Jake takes a deep breath before a tear also begins to roll down his cheek, and Autumn finally stands, walking to his bedside, and reaching down to embrace Jake. Jake's restraints keep him from being able to hug back, and his hands sit on her waist. She whispers in his ear, again, "I love you," to which Jake replies with a response only fitting of someone who always believes in having the last word, "I love you more."
... "You're stuck with me" is a phrase that will forever be etched in my soul. Something nobody has ever told me. I've seen wedding vows in my day, and I have also seen reiterations of love from a spouse. But never has someoine promised that they were never going to exit my life, and always be there in some form or fasion. I've never had that reassurance.
But she was willing to give it to me.
Like I said, where everything goes from here is up in the air. I have a lot I have to figure out about myself. I have a lot to figure out about what drove me to such selfish decisions. It wasn't anyone else's fault, it was mine. Anytime someone tries to off themselves, it's a personal decision. My best friend made it and everyday I questioned his motives and felt responsible. Now, I know he did it because it was the only way he felt he could escape the pain. I also realize it was the dumbest decision I ever made. Why? Not JUST because it is never the right answer, but because I realize, now, it'd hurt others more than I ever hurt. It'd make people feel like I did when he tried. Ultimately, it'd make me the bad guy in a situation where my demons are the bad guys, and I was simply a victim of their attacks.
So what's next?
Where do I go from here?
Well for one, I don't fight alone. This isn't me needing someone by my side in a professional or personal setting. It's me willing to ask for help with I need it. It's me being willing to accept the help of others. I'm not perfect and I have a lot to figure out. I'm not giving up. I'm not backing down. I've never let a fight beat me, but that track record almost went to shit because I gave up on myself. Now... Now I re-energize that faith, and simply take it a day at a time. It's time to stolp trying to solve the World's problems everyday, and simply worry about what crosses my path instead.
One day at a time...
Take hold of it... One day at a time...