Derek Adonis & Cookie Dreams vs. Drake Hemingway & Loretta Inglewood

[Konrad Raab]

4 RP Limit for tag

Deadline: 5 PM ET Saturday, July 20, 2019

[Purity]

September 1990
The Mason Estate...

A twenty five year old woman by the name of Elanie Hemingway Mason sat in the nursery of a massive estate that is the size of two bedrooms. Only the best for the young child she is rocking back and forth in a rocking chair. The son she has wrapped up in a white blanket is sound asleep, unaware of the world around him. Giving birth to him at the start of the year was one of the greatest joys she experienced in her young life, coming in second is being swept off her feet by the man whose mansion she has come to call home. She continues to rock back and forth, enjoying the sereness of the moment. 

“He is so adorable...” a woman who Elaine is unaware is standing behind her couldn’t help herself from saying. 

Failing to look back at the woman, Elaine says, “William is precious. I can’t imagine my life without him.”

“He looks just like his father.” the woman chimes in. 

Elaine smiles. “I know. William is going to grow up to become great, I feel it in my bones.”

Elaine stood up. She walked the future William Blake Mason back to his crib. She gently places William down. Turning around to face the woman roughly twenty years older than her wearing a black and white maids outfit; Elaine couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. “I am the luckiest girl in the world. How did I get so blessed?”

“Is there anything that I can get you Mrs. Mason” the maid asked. 

“Not right now.” Elaine said. “I don’t want you going out of your way for me. I can make my own bed. Make my own food. I don’t want to be treated like a princess. I can manage.”

“I don’t doubt that, Mrs. Mason. We are all here at your beck and call. Don’t hesitate to ask for anything. I do mean, anything.”

Politely smiling, Elaine nods her head. “Thank you.”

The maid turns around and leaves Elaine alone in the nursery. Elaine turns around, she goes back to marvel at her only son. The smile on her face returns. All is good. 

“You don’t have anything to prove...” a male voice calls out. 

She spins around. Standing at the doorway in a pristine grey suit is the man who swept her off her feet. Elaine immediately rushes over, wraps her arms around his waist, pressing her head into his chest she exclaims, “JOSIAH.” 


“Accept the help. There’s no shame.”


“I still feel like an outsider. I don’t want everyone on the staff under the assumption that I came here to be Queen of the house.”


“But you are, Queen.”


Elaine blushes. “No... I’m not. I don’t want anyone to resent me.”


“Impossible. No one will.” He arrogantly smirks. “On the off chance anyone does, they’re fired. You are the most important person in the house, besides me of course. And our son.”


Elaine smiles. “Why do you always know the right thing to say?”


“I kinda have to. Don’t conquer the business world without knowing how to sell.”


Elaine’ smile morphs into a frown. “How late should I expect you?”


“Midnight...” Josiah shrugs. “I have no idea yet. You don’t need to wait up.”


“Couldn’t sleep if I wanted to; William will make sure of that.” 


“If he keeps it up, Mason Consolidated will be in good hands.”

“It’s too early to map out our sons future.”

Josiah chuckles. “Don’t be ridiculous, he’s the heir to the throne, someone has to keep the Mason Legacy into the next generation. We’ll mold him into a chip off the old block, believe me, Elaine, the future is bright, mark my words.”

“Ok. Ok. Ok. Go conquer the world, stud.”

Josiah kisses his wife on the cheek. “Plan on it.”

Elaine watches Josiah storm off to take on the world yet again. She hasn’t confessed this to him yet, the one thing she would love more than anything is more time with husband, she appreciates that he works hard. She is not blind to the sacrifice he has made to keep the Mason name prominent in the business world. She is more than willing to accept the drawbacks of spending less time with her husband then she would like to bask in the extravagance of the Mason prestige... 

Two hours later...  

Elaine wanted to take advantage of the nice day, Boston weather in the latter half of the year is schizophrenic at the best of times. As much as she wanted to take her husband's advice of utilizing the resources he left at her disposal, she drove herself to a nearby park. She found a park bench by the small pond. Watching the ducks fight over food brought a smile to her face. Elaine is a simple woman. The trappings of wealth didn’t get the best of her. 

“Didn’t think you’d show up...” a man says. 

Lost in her own train of thought, she wasn’t aware that a cacusian man sporting a full beard and short hair sat next to her. Elaine knows who the man is. She doesn’t look extremely excited to see him. 

“Why wouldn’t I, Braedon?”


Putting his arm around her, Braedon says, “I can think of one reason.” a smarmy expression forms on his face. 


Elaine feels shivers run up her spine with Braedon’s arm on her shoulder. She doesn’t slink too far in the moment, removing his arm, she kindly states.  “Josiah can’t find out about us, please.”

Braedon’s next move was to rest his hand on her knee. “The dirtbag doesn’t appreciate you the same way I do. If I were him, it would take the jaws of life to pry me away.”

Elaine pushes his hand off her knee. “Don’t talk about my husband like that.”

“Husband in name only.” Braedon rolls his eyes. “Why even meet me here?”

The thought crossed her mind several times on her way to the park. It would have been easier to find another way to deliver the message. Voicemail would have been easier, dangerous, much easier then showing up to the park to look the esteemed man in his crystal blue eyes. She let out a nervous sigh,  “I wanted to tell you to your face that it’s over. One night is all it needs to be. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t. I definitely wasn’t. I care enough about you to tell you this face to face. Please, forget about me.”

Braedon scoffs. “You have no right to ask me that.”


Unable to look at him, she says, “I’m sorry I can’t live like this. There are other women out there. You’re a Manning.”


Braedon lifts her chin up. “I don’t want them. I want you. Tell me what I need to do to make this happen and I will.”


Elaine stands up. Looking down sadly at Braedon, she finds the courage to tell him, “Sorry. Goodbye Braedon.”

Saying her peace, she turns around to walk away. She felt the vice grip of Braedon's hand grabbed her wrist. “I’ll scream...”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.” 

Braedon respectfully lets her go. She is relieved. She is thrilled Braedon didn’t call her on her bluff, stroking his cheek, she says “Josiah will change, you’ll see. He’ll become the man I have faith he is capable of being. He is the man I want. I was wrong to give you the impression we had a future.”

Braedon smiles. “It wasn’t your fault, Elaine. Far from it. The day your husband brought you to that conference, I had to have you. My fault for believing I had a chance with the most special girl on the planet. I promise, I won’t speak of this again.”

Elaine gives Braedon a hug. “Thank you.”

 With great relief, she walks away, leaving Braedon alone in the park. Elaine doesn’t get far...out of nowhere, her head starts throbbing. She tries to shake it off, the pain is too much. Before she hits the ground, Braedon catches her.  

“Are you ok” Braedon says clearly worried about the woman he clearly cares for. 

“I’m fine... thanks.” Elaine says.

“I can walk you to your car.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Her gut feeling told her something more was up. Over the past two weeks, she has felt everything from a headache, nauseous; she hasn’t been as energetic as she used to be. No one  was unaware. Pointless worrying anyone. Taking a moment to breath, a light bulb goes off in her head. Wasn’t the good kind either... “On second thought, I’d like that.”


Braedon helps Elaine back to her car, getting in the front seat, she heads home. 

Didn’t take her long to get home. Going straight to her room she opened her closet. In one of the litany of purses her husband spoiled her with, she hid a pregnancy test, she didn’t want to believe she could be pregnant again so soon after giving birth. Her episode in the park reminded her of when she was pregnant with William. She went into the bathroom, took the test. placed the test on the bathroom sink. Giving no further thought to her gut feeling she went straight to bed. A princess needs her beauty rest, after all. 

Elaine woke up hours later. She wasn’t aware of how much time had passed since she took the pregnancy test. The one thing she had not counted on was the maid exiting the bathroom, she panicked. 

The maid has a smile on her face. “Congratulations, Mrs. Mason.”         

Elaine’s eyes widen. This wasn’t the news she wanted to hear, not so soon; not like she this she said in her head. She forces a smile. “Thank you.”

“Mr. Mason is going to be so happy.” 

“No!” Elaine blurted out. 

She realized a second after blurting that out she made a mistake. And she knew it when the maid looked back at her curiously. “Mr. Mason will be happy.”

“You know how Josiah is like when he is in the middle of the huge business acquisition. No distractions. Worried that he’ll lose focus. That’s all.” Elaine smiles. 

The maid nods. “Makes sense. I can’t wait for the next addition to the household.” 

“Can you do me a favor? I want to be the one to break the news. Please, let me handle it.”

“Of course. Anything you need, I’m at your service.”


Elaine nods. “I’ll take you up on that.”

The maid leaves giving Elaine a moment to collect her thoughts. She’s pregnant? Can’t be. She needed to go to a doctor to give her the best bit of news she could ever receive, the pregnancy test had to be lying. On the off chance the test is one hundred percent accurate, there was a chance her husband isn’t the father...

--

Present Day.

The Mason Estate...

Drake, Loretta and Elaine sat on the patio in the back of the house. Loretta sat by Drake. Elaine sat on the other side of the table. He asked his mother to finally tell him the day that changed his life forever. In no way was he expecting to hear the full details, all he knew were the basics, she cheated on Josiah Mason, he made his mother gave him up for adoption. Whenever he acquired about who his father was, she hesitated to give him a name, until today. Drake and Loretta mutually looked at each other knowing full well what this bombshell meant.

“Are you certain my father is Braedon Manning?” Drake asked. 

There was no hesitation in Elaine’s response. “Positive. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you the truth. I should have, Drake, my deceit robbed us of the relationship we should have had. You would not have felt the need to turn to purity as an escape from the pain I caused. I take full responsibility. All the pieces of the puzzle are together. Time for you to heal, son. Take your place in the family.”  


Loretta chimes in “Whose, Mrs. Mason? Wouldn’t Braedon like to know he has a long lost son?” 

Elaine shakes her head. “He can’t know. I broke his heart once. I can’t bare to do it again. My actions changed him. The kind, sweet, gentle man I once knew turned out to be a cold hearted bastard. I take full responsibility of that. My other kids can’t find out.”

“It’s a good thing Drake wasn’t raised under your supervision. He wouldn’t be the lair that you turned out to be.” Loretta scoffs. 


“Relax.” Drake says firmly. “I’m condoning her sinful nature, but she is still my mother.”


Loretta chooses not to fight Drake on this. “I’m sorry.” 


Eliane smiles “I deserve it, son. She’s right; I lied. I have ruined a lot of lives. Josiah was mad at me; I would not have faulted him if he kicked me to the curb. We both agreed, for the sake of the Mason name; this was for the best. Not sure if it was, I turned my back on my own child. I can’t forgive myself for that.” 


Loretta stood up. She walks over to Elaine, placing her hands on Elaine’s shoulder, she says calmly. “Everything happens for a reason, Mrs. Mason. Sorry for my harshness, I care about your son. Drake means the world to me. No man or woman should have to go through a parent abandoning their child. On the bright side, he is honoring a higher purpose, purity, you were the vessel that brought him into the world. You should be proud about that. On behalf of all that is pure, you are forgiven of your sins.”

Drake watches as Elaine doesn’t quite know how to react to Loretta giving her the blessing of forgiveness. He knows she means well, couldn’t predict how his mother would react. She shows a faint smile. “Thanks...” She looks directly at Drake. “Do you feel the same?”

It was Drake’s turn to stand to his feet. He stands on the other side of his mother. Resting his hand on her free shoulder, he states calmly. “You’re forgiven.”

Tears run down Elaine’s face. “Thank you, Drake.” 

Drake hopes he absolved his mother of her sins. He knew him and Loretta’s forgiveness wouldn’t be enough. She needed to forgive herself. Knowing Blake was anything to go by, Mason’s didn’t have a good track record of forgiving themselves of their transgressions, naturally, he couldn’t forget the name Braedon Manning. He has two children in the wrestling business he has crossed paths with. Two more siblings are out there, the question remains, does he approach them with this information or does he keep the secret buried....

--

<PROMO TIME:

PURITY EDITION>

<The scene opens in the vast, seamlessly endless abyss in the desert deep in the heart of Texas. Who is ‘brave’ enough to hike a camera crew out here to film a promotional video? Drake Hemingway and Loretta Inglewood, that’s who. Loretta and Drake are sitting next to each other on the hot surface, in front of them is small raging, intense fire coming from the logs they have set up. Neither Drake or Loretta speak as soon as the camera roll, they allow a minute from the start of the video to allow the meditative silence to sink in with the viewing audience. Loretta is the one who addresses the camera first.> 

Loretta: “Thank you for joining us. My name is Loretta Inglewood, I brought you here today to relay a message to the masses. My message, as always, is purity is the way.”

“I can hear your objections from all the way out here in the Chihuahuan desert. Loretta, your a prude, you don’t know how to have fun. These are slanderous attacks I am used to, they never phase me. Why am I a pillar of strength amidst the stones thrown at me on a relentless basis by the non believers? Society, as a whole, has done a great job over the years brainwashing each and every single one of you sheeple. You are conditioned by a mainstream society that would love nothing more then to watch all of you bathe in a sea of filth.”

“How many of you were convinced your entire self worth is predicated on what car you drive?” 

“How many of you were taught to use men and women for your own lustful gain?” 

“How many men and women in wrestling companies present a false idea of success driven by superficial, base primal needs?” 

“Is it any wonder we have a decline in masculinity in our Western culture?” 

“Is it any wonder so many women out there are taught to use there bodies to cater to these same primitive men?” 

“Liars out there will tell you to use quote unquote assets that will wither away in old age as a weapon of empowerment. 

“You cheer these false idols.” 

“You purchase their merchandise.” 

“You live vicariously through these false prophets.” 

“I am offering each and every single one of you is a way out of the filth Supreme Championship Wrestling and the rest of mainstream society wishes for you sheeple remain stuck in.”

“A life driven by false identity is not the way.”

“A life driven by gratacious sex is not the way.”

“A life clouded by ego is not the way.”

“Purity is the way. Through me...”

<Loretta takes a deep breath. She exhales.> 

Loretta: “THROUGH ME, I will lead you down a path of enlightenment never before experienced by any false prophet who tried to sell you a bill of goods. The best part, you don’t need to pollute your body with drugs. To be pure requires no narcotics. I won’t ever ask you for money. I don’t need your hard earned money. All I want is the chance to wash your soul of any of all intoxicants.” 

“Believe in me.” 

“Believe in Drake.” 

“We are here to challenge Supreme Championship Wrestling to Rise to Purity.” 

“Greatness is an illusion.” 

“Purity is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but.”

“Every crusade has a humble beginning. Over the course of Rise to Purity weekend, the age of purity begins by snuffing the Advocates of Smut, Cookie and Derek Adonis.” 

<Loretta shivers in disgust. Drake takes over.> 

Drake: “Derek Adonis, know what offends me most about YOU?”

“I’ll give you a measure of credit, at least you bring up consent in your message. I’ll give you that much. But that’s all I am willing to give you. As a man, you have a responsibility to represent yourself as a good, upstanding, decent contributing member of society, is that too much to ask? Men all around the world are fed the wrong message about conducting themselves. When you shout the K word, what is the first imagine that filters through the mind of the masses?”

“Sex!” 

“You published an entire book parodying the other K word book that preached fornication in various ways. We as men should challenge the dregs of our society to aspire to become better. What have you actually contributed to society at large? In your naive world view, you have. Did you ever consider that your message can be used by men who are the lowest scum on the face of the planet? Do you sleep well at night knowing you profit off certain men in society whose minds are so depraved, they would make you sick? It makes me sick watching you shamelessly brag about making money off of a smut movement. Is there anything you piece of filth you won’t sell just to line your profits?”

<Drake scoffs.>

Drake: “I can hear the drags watching this video calling me a prude as well, I don’t care. I would rather be pure than to wake up every morning checking my bank account with the knowledge that I once again made money peddling filith. That is all your about these days. What happened to the man who was a 2x Television Champion? What happened to the man who was offended about being called a joke that he decided to take wrestling all the more seriously? Where is that guy? For your sake; you need to bring THAT Derek Adonis not the one using Supreme Championship Wrestling to line your own coffers.”   


“Your actions make our gender look like an absolute joke. In your naivety you believe you are being innocent, charming, funny, the big picture Derek, you are polluting the minds of the younger section of our demographic to act like complete buffoons, you may have given up on your spiritual life, Derek. I haven’t. I am the evolution of man. Because of Loretta Inglewood I can look at myself in the mirror and smile. She helped me wash away the impurities that haunted me in my youth. I should pity you Derek, the truth is, I don’t. I can’t afford too. You made your choice to exist within the same cesspool as the rest of them. Jonthan Knots hopes Loretta and I leave the fire at home, no, we’ll bring the fire with us. You, Derek, are in desperate need of a baptism.”

Loretta: “He’s not the only one.”

<Loretta smirks>

Loretta: “Cookie. It is no secret what I think about you. Those sheeple are blinded by your beast and butt cheeks. Their primal lust makes them forget that you don’t belong in the same ring with people like me and Drake.”

“All of your SCW existence you are responsible for being the brainchild behind people becoming worst versions of themselves.. Kennie Nation ring a bell? Kennedy Street was her worst self. You, among a host of others, enabled that woman to believe she contributed anything worthwhile to society. Kennie Nation died,  she became... somewhat of a better person without your influence Ms. Plastic. SCW didn’t see the last of you.  Then you latch onto Derek Adonis. With you inspiring him,  he becomes a 2x Television Champion, a smut peddler. One of the biggest enablers the world and SCW has ever seen.” 

“His words usually amount to filith. Occasionally he has moments of brilliance. I am going to harken back on words he spoke several months ago. He gave you all the credit for the Kablam Movement. All the salacious products. The marketing. Positioning Derek Adonis to be the pariah he is today, he claims you are the brains behind this whole operation, if that is true Cookie... Drake and I know exactly what we need to do. In order to break Kablam, in order to snuff out this farce once and for all, WE need to baptise you by fire.”

<Loretta pauses. The intensity in her eyes grows.>  

Loretta: “We need to put you on trial like the witch that you are. We need to purge SCW of one of its most successful pariahs. You. This all comes down to YOU Cookie. If we are to believe the words of Derek Adonis, it only makes sense to cut off the head of the snake. With you out of the picture Cookie, Derek Adonis doesn’t exist. There will be no more Kablam poisoning the SCW airwaves. Supreme Championship Wrestling moves one step closer to being purified of all its filth.”

<Loretta takes a moment to soak in the moment where she can purge Cookie from SCW.>


Loretta: “Every impure soul meets there day of judgement, eventually. At Rise to Purity, the pendulum of justice comes down on you. There is nothing Derek Adonis can do to stop what is inevitable. Purity is inevitable. Drake and I are on a mission higher than any false prophet can possibly imagine.”  

“Salvation awaits. In the name of Athena.” 


Drake: “In the name of the Most High...”


Loretta: “Let us pray...”


Drake: “Amen.”


-STATIC-

[Corner G]

KNN NEWS UPDATE


Our scene rises up inside the KNN studios, manned (or wo-manned, as the case may be) by the one and only news anchor Chesty LaRue. The young, well-endowed woman sits at her desk, the twins being pressed up by it from underneath, as she smiles into the camera.


Chesty: “Yes, this is a KNN News Update! I am your host, Chesty LaRue. Here’s today’s top story.”


She clears her throat, something she often does not have any trouble with as she keeps herself well in practice.


Chesty: “Today the match of the KABLAMennium was made, as our benefactors and financiers, Derek Adonis and Cookie Dreams, were announced to be facing the dastardly duo of Loretta Inglewood and Drake Hemingway at SCW’s Rise to Greatness event! Unfortunately, this match will NOT be contested within the confines of the KABLAMAdome, a structure that Man Mountain had teased in the past.”


An inset image appears above her shoulder that you don’t pay attention to. It’s essentially SCW’s Thunderdome painted pink and purple with some of the features of a BDSM club. I don’t know what kind of details that encompasses – just google it.


Chesty: “But what we can expect to have happen is a night where freedom and love and all things KABLAM takes its place against prudishness and cultish obedience. After all, what is America if not Freedom?”


Chesty stands up from her desk, removing the shirt she had been wearing tightly anyway to reveal an American flag bikini top underneath. She stands proudly, chest sticking out.


Chesty: “All this purity talk is unAmerican! And not only that, it’s anti-freedom. Like you might as well be [censored] [censored] Do[redacted] [unheard]ump! So stand up, denizens of KABLAM! Stand up for America! Stand up for the right to do what you want to do as long as it doesn’t hurt others! Stand up for KABLAM NATION! Together we can overcome this threat to our freedom! Together we can BE BEST! I am Chesty LaRue! THANK YOU, GOD BLESS, and HAPPY KABLAM!


With that, our KNN logo comes back onto the screen and we fade to black…


---------------------------------------------------


The KABLAMadome - an ominous structure made infinitely-less threatening by the presence of pink and purple paint upon it, strewn about with sex toys in lieu of actual weapons. It would be a hellish landscape for Loretta Inglewood, one of the opponents Derek Adonis and Cookie Dreams find themselves across the ring from at Rise to Greatness. In reality, this Rise to Greatness is different in and of itself: Derek Adonis is scheduled to compete on the main show for the first time in his SCW career - a feat made even more impressive considering his Taking Hold of the Flame appearance was decidedly limited. Derek Adonis can be seen sitting inside of it, holding onto one of the Fleshlights he was going to use in the match… they can make good bludgeoning objects, right? Looking at it almost wistfully, he sighs.


Adonis: “I’m sorry, Dillion Harper. I so wanted to use you in a manner other than that which you were created for. Oh well… I guess I’ll just have to keep you warn for the next time.”


He sighs again, reaching down for his belt buckle as he hears the footsteps of his unlikely wife, the voluptuous Cookie Dreams, approaching the KABLAMadome. He sets the Fleshlight aside, leaning back against the side of the dome. Cookie quickly rushes over.


Cookie: “Oh nonono! That was just painted!”


Derek shrugs.


Adonis: “What’s a pink grid on my back going to matter? It’s not going to be the KABLAMadome… it’s almost like SCW doesn’t take me seriously.”


Cookie begins to ponder it. 


Cookie: “But we make so much money for them.”


Adonis: “Right!? Even when I wasn’t a two-time Champion of Television, I was still a man of the people. They love me! Even if Kandis thinks I come off as a bit “rapey”...”


Derek looks over at Cookie, his Tide Pod-hued eyes almost glistening in hurt. 


Adonis: “Do I come off as “rapey”?”


Cookie: “What? Of course not! Where would anyone get that idea!”


Adonis smiles a bitter smile.


Adonis: “Thanks… just because I’m friendly doesn’t mean I’m rapey. I have my rules… No means no; Daddy doesn’t diddle; Daddy don’t ding dongs…”


Derek sighs, looking down at the Fleshlight beside him. He picks it up, just holding it.


Adonis: “I miss him too.”


Cookie: “It feels like everything we’ve had going on in the last six months has been because Manvel betrayed us. And look at where we all are now. You and I have these Purity people trying to horn in on our market…”


Adonis: “Without even getting the irony of “horning”...”


Cookie: “Exactly! They’re doing that, and Manvel is just… listless.”


Adonis: “Does he even have a match this weekend? I guess the pre-show battle royal...”


Cookie: “It’s all Cupcake’s fault… “WhO wAnTs A cOoKiE wHeN yOu CaN hAvE a CuPcAkE!?”... phooey!”


Derek chuckles as Cookie opens the Dome, moving over and sitting beside her (again very unlikely) husband. 


Adonis: “At least we have each other… even if you COULD do better.”


Cookie shrugs her shoulders.


Cookie: “Meh… better is too much work.”


Derek smiles, holding onto the Fleshlight as he rests his head on Cookie’s shoulder. She takes it out of his hand. 


Adonis: “Wait… wh…”


Cookie: “You just relax.”


Any of Derek’s mopiness instantly escapes as he gleefully sits up. Cookie shifts around in front of him as the scene cuts away. Sorry, perverts… none of that here! 


Adonis: “KABLAM!”


---------------------------------------------------


“KABLAM is under attack!


Make no mistake about it… what Purity wants to do will not stop with KABLAM! It will continue on through us if it is allowed to everything else until everyone is a soulless automaton existing only to pat each other on the back and have the world’s largest circle jerk without any actual circle jerks happening… madness, I tell you… MADNESS!


“THIS IS SPARTA!”... kick! Sorry… I always wanted to do that. 


I don’t believe in that… what Drake Hemingway and Loretta Inglewood talk about. Purity is fine and dandy. If that’s your thing, you do you. But they want to FORCE people into their belief. They want people to follow them by any means necessary, and that includes by force. I… I never understood that. There’s no joy in that. And KABLAM is all about happiness and joy. 


KABLAM is why, at 40, I joined SCW. Because it was something I wanted to do. And yeah, I’ve lost things in the meantime. I had four divorces when I joined, and now have five with a sixth marriage. I had a best friend who I don’t have anymore. I’ve been Champion of Television twice - both times starting the next year as Champion, which is pretty cool. But being Champion twice means I’ve lost it twice. I have lost a lot in the name of KABLAM… I’ve been beaten, spit on, called “Rapey” on Twitter…


But I’m still here. 


Because I am not about to let someone else tell me I can’t stick around, that I can’t be myself and believe what I believe. And no, I would never FORCE anyone to believe what I believe, but I’m not going to be shy about giving them the chance to. Maybe… maybe that’s where I come on a little strong. I’m a salesman. I sell things… drive-thru weddings, books, TV series… I sell things. Maybe they’re not things for everyone. What exists that everyone needs? I mean, you’d be hard-pressed to find a home without a chair, and I don’t sell a KABLAMAchair… maybe I should. Note to self: KABLAMAchair. 


Where was I?


Oh… right. Really, that’s the real difference between Purity and KABLAM! Purity wants people to fit a mold whether they want to or not. They’ll hammer square pegs into round holes (KABLAM) and vice versa. KABLAM will fit to your happiness. KABLAM, in a way, has room for Purity within it. If that’s what makes you happy, then KABLAM it! Maybe you should think about it, because the way you’re going about it makes people think you have sticks where the sun doesn’t shine IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! KABLAM!


No… no… I have a match. I have to be ready to go into combat. I have to be ready to defend not only MY ideals… not only the ideals of KABLAM… but the ideals of freedom… the same freedom that America represents! In a way of thinking, I am fighting for America… 


Because only in America can a man like me get a woman like Cookie and be able to actually keep her even when other people tell her she can do better.


Only in America can I take a little chapel in Las Vegas and turn it into the epicenter of what has become a full out movement.


Only in America can someone who was probably a tad overweight manage to become a cultural… well… not Icon, but you know…


Only in America could I have the FREEDOM to sell what you call “smut”. This is about America and American values! Not Purity. 


And I will do my PATRIOTIC DUTY and stand up for the United States! I will do my PATRIOTIC DUTY to NOT tone my skin orange and actually do some GOOD… someone in America has to, right!?


This is going to be big, folks! God bless the United States of Ameri-KABLAM!”