09-28-2019, 02:25 PM
Don’t call it… retirement.
I have been thinking about a lot of things thanks to the extended LOA while I wait for my transmission to get fixed. Which just a small update on that is… I’m still waiting on it. There has just been one set back after another it seems… I’m supposed to have it back this coming Tuesday, but I’ll believe it when I’m driving it home.
I just think that it’s time for me to step away for longer than a leave of absence, but like I said don’t say that I’m retiring from the game, because if it’s anything like in the past I will be back in some shape, way, or form, because I have come to realize that I have toxic relationship with this game. I don’t mean that in a bad way, because I love this game. With the exception of a few people I generally get along with everything that meet in it, but it’s the choices that I make that make it toxic.
Like I know that I run too many characters, but I’m too proud to back off any of them, because I have a story to tell with each of them that I want to see through to the conclusion. A conclusion that I will never really get to, because I intertwine the stories with one another and then more often than not focus on one character more than that other. That’s evident enough with the current story that I have been trying to tell, because just a single day has taken me several rps to write and still hasn’t reached the conclusion that it should have already.
I mean really when I stop to think about it… I have more than enough time to write the rps, because here lately I have been whispering to Olek who to book on what shows to where I could get a head start on the CD portion of my rps, but I stay true to myself and that’s I’m my own worst enemy. Either I’ll get off to a great start and hit a bad day then be like I’ll work on it tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes until the night before the deadline and seeing as I have been working in the mornings for the last couple of months leaving me to choose finishing the rp or getting sleep for work. More so than not I pick sleep, because real life comes first.
Real life comes first, an efedders chant to remind themselves that this is just a game that we enjoy for the phone, but it’s a concept that I have never truly grasped. Granted, I’m not the toxic kind of handler (at least in my opinion) that takes the game too seriously. My problem is I have trouble separating myself away from it. Sure, when comes emergencies (my appendix bursting, my brother’s health scares) or times when it’s impossible to rp, because of circumstances (my computer dying, my car) out of my control get in the way I use it to calm myself down, because I will tear myself up over not getting something up, because as I’ve said I have a trouble with distancing myself from the game.
What I’m getting at is that September 17th, marked my youngest nephew’s seventh birthday I was hit with a proverbial freight train of regrets. My nephew had just finished opening his presents as I was finishing up my cake and ice cream when he along with his older brother came up to me. Aidan, the birthday boy gave me a hug and told me thank you for his present (it wasn’t much considering how much I’m paying get my car fixed, but he was happy.) while his brother, Eric (yes the namesake of E.S. Cormier if you were wondering) took my empty plate from me and told me that it was okay I go now.
I asked him what did he mean by that? Because I knew I didn’t have anywhere else to be, because I had the day off from work. I kid you not, because Eric had a chance to answer my question… Aidan said to me, “But Uncle Ricky its Tuesday don’t you have a deadline to meet?” Eric then added, “Its okay we understand.” In that moment I felt so small that I can honestly say that there is nothing in existence that I can think of to explain how small I felt. Because in that moment I realized that for the entirety of both of their lives I would give them both their gift and eat a piece of cake and some ice cream and then disappear back to my room to write rps.
But it was more than that, because I realized that I wasn’t there for either of their births. Granted, I was at work during both of them, because my sister was induced both times. However, I can’t say that I was there in spirit, because even at work I was more focused on thinking about my roleplays than about them and my sister. Then it donned on me that it was more than just that… I missed my older nephew’s football games, the ceremony when he got his black belt karate, and etc… I missed so much it was like I was a real wrestler on the road all the time, because I wasn’t there. Sometimes it didn’t matter if I was or not, because I wasn’t there mentally in the cases where I couldn’t run away or avoid being a part it.
The moral of the story is that I have been a terrible unclc, brother, son… you name it. Cause as I sit here writing this the more I think about what I’ve missed, but more than that what I threw away. My most meaningful relationship last a week, because I was afraid how she would respond to my obsession with this game among a couple other reasons (the other main was that she had kids from a previous relationship and I didn’t know if I wanted kids or not at the moment).
So needless to say like the bastard they expected me to be in that moment I did leave the party to hide in my room. Not to write an rp, but to have a small mental breakdown over the fact that my family got so used to me putting roleplaying over everything else they accepted it as the norm. So yes, that was the catalyst for deleting all but one of my twitter accounts and turning that last one in to an ooc one, but other than that I still struggling deciding on what to do… Whether I should keep going with one character, all of them, or walking away.
Until I read Charlie’s LOA thread I really didn’t know what I was going to do, because when it comes down to this game can be described as only one thing… my addiction. Just a little more perspective… December will mark 23 years that I have been “living” this game.
I say that, because I was just 14 when I found this game at a time in life where I was so lonely (as it was still the time before facebook and myspace even). I was forced to move away best friend Chris (the namesake of Chris Pressler) and the girl that I always envisioned I’d marry who inspired my character Jasmine Mooncross. We tried to keep in touch with another, but as it does with rping… life got in the way as I would end up moving three more times before finally getting to where I am now with nearly 10 years in the same house.
To fill the void of losing both of them and diving so keep in to efedding. I tried to make new friends by joining the football team and well to achieve my dream of playing football for Notre Dame. Worst thing I ever did, because I was still the same socially awkward new kid that people avoided, during a weight room session a dumbass playing around with a barbell clipped the back of my knee and fucked it (which was later compounded by car accident jacking up the same knee) to the point I retreated from everything. I quit the team, quit school, and buried myself in my fantasy world where I had my best friend by side and the girl of my dreams was my wife.
Wins and loses never really bothered me, because the only thing that I really cared about is that the world I was creating for my characters was better than what I dealing with. To where the fantasy world wasn’t my escape from reality it became my reality. So what does this have to do with Charlie’s LOA post… something he said in it really resonated with me and that was he was struggling to find a balance. As I’m in a similar boat when you think about it… I’m 37 years old going on 38 this January, but on some levels I’m still that same 14 year old that found this game at least compared to my peers. By my peers I mean my best friend and my first love… I’ve finally reconnected with both of them on facebook to find out that they are both married (different spouses) and he has three kids with his wife.
So I’m going to wrap this up… I’m stepping away from the game to be a better uncle, a better brother, a better son, but more importantly to finally be me. However, like all addictions I know I will have stumbles and set backs… which is why I said don’t call this a retirement, because it maybe a week, a month, or a year…but at some point I’ll probably be back.
So this isn’t good bye… it’s see you later.
Rick
I have been thinking about a lot of things thanks to the extended LOA while I wait for my transmission to get fixed. Which just a small update on that is… I’m still waiting on it. There has just been one set back after another it seems… I’m supposed to have it back this coming Tuesday, but I’ll believe it when I’m driving it home.
I just think that it’s time for me to step away for longer than a leave of absence, but like I said don’t say that I’m retiring from the game, because if it’s anything like in the past I will be back in some shape, way, or form, because I have come to realize that I have toxic relationship with this game. I don’t mean that in a bad way, because I love this game. With the exception of a few people I generally get along with everything that meet in it, but it’s the choices that I make that make it toxic.
Like I know that I run too many characters, but I’m too proud to back off any of them, because I have a story to tell with each of them that I want to see through to the conclusion. A conclusion that I will never really get to, because I intertwine the stories with one another and then more often than not focus on one character more than that other. That’s evident enough with the current story that I have been trying to tell, because just a single day has taken me several rps to write and still hasn’t reached the conclusion that it should have already.
I mean really when I stop to think about it… I have more than enough time to write the rps, because here lately I have been whispering to Olek who to book on what shows to where I could get a head start on the CD portion of my rps, but I stay true to myself and that’s I’m my own worst enemy. Either I’ll get off to a great start and hit a bad day then be like I’ll work on it tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes until the night before the deadline and seeing as I have been working in the mornings for the last couple of months leaving me to choose finishing the rp or getting sleep for work. More so than not I pick sleep, because real life comes first.
Real life comes first, an efedders chant to remind themselves that this is just a game that we enjoy for the phone, but it’s a concept that I have never truly grasped. Granted, I’m not the toxic kind of handler (at least in my opinion) that takes the game too seriously. My problem is I have trouble separating myself away from it. Sure, when comes emergencies (my appendix bursting, my brother’s health scares) or times when it’s impossible to rp, because of circumstances (my computer dying, my car) out of my control get in the way I use it to calm myself down, because I will tear myself up over not getting something up, because as I’ve said I have a trouble with distancing myself from the game.
What I’m getting at is that September 17th, marked my youngest nephew’s seventh birthday I was hit with a proverbial freight train of regrets. My nephew had just finished opening his presents as I was finishing up my cake and ice cream when he along with his older brother came up to me. Aidan, the birthday boy gave me a hug and told me thank you for his present (it wasn’t much considering how much I’m paying get my car fixed, but he was happy.) while his brother, Eric (yes the namesake of E.S. Cormier if you were wondering) took my empty plate from me and told me that it was okay I go now.
I asked him what did he mean by that? Because I knew I didn’t have anywhere else to be, because I had the day off from work. I kid you not, because Eric had a chance to answer my question… Aidan said to me, “But Uncle Ricky its Tuesday don’t you have a deadline to meet?” Eric then added, “Its okay we understand.” In that moment I felt so small that I can honestly say that there is nothing in existence that I can think of to explain how small I felt. Because in that moment I realized that for the entirety of both of their lives I would give them both their gift and eat a piece of cake and some ice cream and then disappear back to my room to write rps.
But it was more than that, because I realized that I wasn’t there for either of their births. Granted, I was at work during both of them, because my sister was induced both times. However, I can’t say that I was there in spirit, because even at work I was more focused on thinking about my roleplays than about them and my sister. Then it donned on me that it was more than just that… I missed my older nephew’s football games, the ceremony when he got his black belt karate, and etc… I missed so much it was like I was a real wrestler on the road all the time, because I wasn’t there. Sometimes it didn’t matter if I was or not, because I wasn’t there mentally in the cases where I couldn’t run away or avoid being a part it.
The moral of the story is that I have been a terrible unclc, brother, son… you name it. Cause as I sit here writing this the more I think about what I’ve missed, but more than that what I threw away. My most meaningful relationship last a week, because I was afraid how she would respond to my obsession with this game among a couple other reasons (the other main was that she had kids from a previous relationship and I didn’t know if I wanted kids or not at the moment).
So needless to say like the bastard they expected me to be in that moment I did leave the party to hide in my room. Not to write an rp, but to have a small mental breakdown over the fact that my family got so used to me putting roleplaying over everything else they accepted it as the norm. So yes, that was the catalyst for deleting all but one of my twitter accounts and turning that last one in to an ooc one, but other than that I still struggling deciding on what to do… Whether I should keep going with one character, all of them, or walking away.
Until I read Charlie’s LOA thread I really didn’t know what I was going to do, because when it comes down to this game can be described as only one thing… my addiction. Just a little more perspective… December will mark 23 years that I have been “living” this game.
I say that, because I was just 14 when I found this game at a time in life where I was so lonely (as it was still the time before facebook and myspace even). I was forced to move away best friend Chris (the namesake of Chris Pressler) and the girl that I always envisioned I’d marry who inspired my character Jasmine Mooncross. We tried to keep in touch with another, but as it does with rping… life got in the way as I would end up moving three more times before finally getting to where I am now with nearly 10 years in the same house.
To fill the void of losing both of them and diving so keep in to efedding. I tried to make new friends by joining the football team and well to achieve my dream of playing football for Notre Dame. Worst thing I ever did, because I was still the same socially awkward new kid that people avoided, during a weight room session a dumbass playing around with a barbell clipped the back of my knee and fucked it (which was later compounded by car accident jacking up the same knee) to the point I retreated from everything. I quit the team, quit school, and buried myself in my fantasy world where I had my best friend by side and the girl of my dreams was my wife.
Wins and loses never really bothered me, because the only thing that I really cared about is that the world I was creating for my characters was better than what I dealing with. To where the fantasy world wasn’t my escape from reality it became my reality. So what does this have to do with Charlie’s LOA post… something he said in it really resonated with me and that was he was struggling to find a balance. As I’m in a similar boat when you think about it… I’m 37 years old going on 38 this January, but on some levels I’m still that same 14 year old that found this game at least compared to my peers. By my peers I mean my best friend and my first love… I’ve finally reconnected with both of them on facebook to find out that they are both married (different spouses) and he has three kids with his wife.
So I’m going to wrap this up… I’m stepping away from the game to be a better uncle, a better brother, a better son, but more importantly to finally be me. However, like all addictions I know I will have stumbles and set backs… which is why I said don’t call this a retirement, because it maybe a week, a month, or a year…but at some point I’ll probably be back.
So this isn’t good bye… it’s see you later.
Rick