Rachel Tatum Lee vs. Jake Starr

[Konrad Raab]

2 RP Limit for singles

Deadline: 5 pm ET Saturday, October 26, 2019

[Rachel Tatum Lee]

OOC: Good Luck Ian, always a pleasure brother.




Anything with the “REC” on it is Viewable to the Public.

The Views Expressed By Rachel Tatum Lee Do Not Reflect Those of the Publisher. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

THE LONG ROAD HOME:
TENDENCIES

(Click Title)

[Jake Starr]

OOC Note: I have the best excuse for not having a promo done... I took a nap lol!  I like the CD I did, so I hope it's at least enjoyed.  New routines in life, I just have to get my time budgeted better.  But I'm having fun getting what I can written.

//It's been weeks since the restraining order ended.  There was no court fight.  There were no fireworks.  It just, ended.  I got to the courthouse at my designated time, and the judge notified my attorney and I that they both had voluntarily withdrawn their claims.  To my attorney, he was surprised.  He figured that her husband, at least, would pony up a fight against me, if for no other reason get the opportunity to smear my name even more, on the record.  I knew, deep down, why she didn't.  I knew, deep down, why she probably was the catalyst that ended both of their protective orders.  She knew I had proof.  She knew that, even though I said I had deleted soem of the chats we had, and photos she had sent me, I still had all of the copies.  Heh... I won't lie, I may or may not have put that big in her ear through Twitter.  Now, I couldn't communicate with her in any way, so I simply made mention of my over the air backups that I had forgotten ran every so often.  I knew she had eyes on my social media accounts the whole time, and I knew if she sw that she would realize the jig was up, if it was truly her decision, or a potential clusterfuck waiting to happen.

Thankfully it neber dod, and I'm grateful for that.

But it's what has happened since that has troubled me.  I haven't been able to think or  process any of what happened.  It was so sudden.  It was so  out of the norm that I knew there was more to it than just trying to insult my name.  Something or someone got inside her head and made her do  things that I knew she wouldn't do on her own accord.  I knew she was persuaded.  I knew he was the reason.  I just had hoped that after this had all passed, she would have come back to talk to me like an adult.  Instead, the silence has continued.  I don't hold it against her.  I don't hate or resent her.  I just wish I knew all of the details.

It's been a game of cat and mouse that has really started to push my capabilities of self control.  That darkness that once clouded my life I can see in the distance with every moment that passes where there is some kind of hardship in my life.  I feel that risk of it consuming me like things in the past have, and knowing what it led to, I won't lie, I'm scared.  And why shouldn't I be?  Why shouldn't I fear a regression or a trip down a path that led me to such a bad place in my life?  I should always fear it.  I should always be scared that it could manifest itself again.  I'm not alone in this worry either.  I know others fear the same.  I know others worry that something so similar would trigger me all over again.  I can't say as I blame them...\\

.:: Inside the home of Jake Starr, it's been a house of silence as of late.  The restraining orders blindsided Jake, and Roeper alike considering the allegations mentioned within, but when time came and went, and nothing manifested, Roeper realized it was all a lie.  It was a relief to know her husband wasn't some kind of monster she was being shielded from.  She also hoped that this was the last she was going to be dealing with Autumn, and she and Jake could begin to mend things, or figure out where they go next without the distractions.

For Jake, however, the silence meant something different.  When he got word that the two had dropped the cases voluntarily, and the court had accepted their withdrawal, he hoped one of the first things to happen would be some kind of reach out from Autumn.  He hoped they would be able to talk about what had happened, and iron things out.  The lack of communication verbally, mixed with, what Jake believes are coded messages to him through various social media outlets, has left Jake pretty confused.

Even though she's enjoying the lack of "Autumn" in their lives, Roeper can see Jake wants to hear from her, and his silence makes her wary and uncomfortable.  There's a sense of worry that this could send Jake down a negative path, and by playing naive she hopes to get information out of Jake, and have him open up to her for once, and not just those inside his "inner circle."  She walks into the living room and sees Jake playing a game of "pick up and put down" with his phone.  She can see him yearning for that communique, and it just not coming. ::.

Roeper Hart: You look like you're waiting on a response from a job interview...

.:: She walks in and sits down across from him. ::.

Jake Starr: Yeah it kind of feels that way, I won't lie...

Roeper Hart: You want to talk about it?

Jake Starr: You don't want to hear about it...

Roeper Hart: With that kind of response I gather it's about her, isn't it?

.:: Jake nods. ::.

Roeper Hart: Well let me say this... While I may not care for her, and wish she was out of your life completely, if it's affecting you like it obviously is, my personal biases go to the side.

Jake Starr: Why is that?

Roeper Hart: Because, Jake... I'm scared.

Jake Starr: Of what?

Roeper Hart: Honestly?

Jake Starr: No Pinocchio, lie to me while I sit on your face...

.:: Roeper rolls her eyes, and gets choked up all at the same time.  Tears begin to fall as her naive facade disappears, and the truth begins to come pouring out. ::.

Roeper Hart: Jake... I don't know what is going on in your head, in regard to her.  I don't know what's going on in your heart with her, either.  Honestly, I don't care, either.  I truly am just scared that whatever is going on inside your head now is going to lead you to a dark place, and the next thing I'm going to be responsible for is picking out your gravestone and casket.  I mean, the last time she influenced your life like this, that's almost what happened.  I'm not ready for that.  Mara isn't ready for that.  None of us are...

//Hearing the fear in her voice jarred something inside of me.  It was a reality check that told me what I did didn't just hurt and embarrass me, but reminded me about how detrimental it was to the mental health of others as well.  It reminded me that I'm still pretty selfish when it comes to what I perceive as the most important aspects of my life, and forget to take anyone else into consideration.

I don't think it's intentional.  I don't think I purposefully try and exclude the feelings of others.  I think I've just been that way for so long, and very few have ever pulled the other side of me out, that I just don't realize when it's happening until it's too late.  With my wife reminding me that she watched as medics tried to resurrect me like Frankenstein's Monster.  What she's seen is something nobody should ever have to see and I was the one who put her through it.  I'm the one who put EVERYONE through it, and yet here I am, still with that same selfish mentality.

Maybe understanding this is a positive?  Maybe understanding I'm still this same selfish bastard will help me fix myself in the long run?  I don't know.  But I know I need to start remembering that it was my own doing that hurt others.  It wasn't their doing that hurt me.  It was all my doing.  I can't sit around and forget that.  I need to understand it and accept it for the good of EVERYONE, not just them, not just me, but EVERYONE.\\

.:: Jake's heart sinks hearing Roeper's comment. ::.

Jake Starr: I'm not ready for it either.  I just... I just... I don't know how to phrase it right.

Roeper Hart: Please try... Help me understand...

Jake Starr: It's like, I don't realize how I impacted anyone but myself.  Well mostly just myself.  All I think about is what is causing negative things, and where have I gone wrong, and for once I just don't have an answer.  I don't know what I did.  I don't know how this all became a clusterfuck where I was accused of things that never happened.  I don't have answers and it sucks.  I know you have your own suspicions, and I'm not talking about those, for or against, right now.  I want to know what happened.

Roeper Hart: I get it.  It blindsided me, too.  Do you really think I believed EVERYTHING in there?

Jake Starr: I don't know.  I don't know what I think about any of it.  All I know is the confusion is where the darkness is right now.  It's not like it was.  It isn't consuming me.  But it is there, and I want answers.

Roeper Hart: And you deserve them.  We all do.  

=p= I just wish, whatever he did to her, or threatened her with, she'd have trusted me to fight back for her.  I still would...

.:: Roeper cocks an eyebrow. ::.

Roeper Hart: Really?

Jake Starr: Yeah...

Roeper Hart: You'd still support her?

Jake Starr: You know that's how I am...

.:: Roeper's voice shifts to a more surprised tone. ::.

Roeper Hart: Even after all of this?

Jake Starr: Yes...

Roeper Hart: Uh huh... Ok, then... I don't even know how to comprehend or respond to that...

Jake Starr: How come?

Roeper Hart: After this fucking charade, Jake, you REALLY think I have any desire to have her in my life, in ANY WAY?!  And... Yeah... We won't go any further, but if you decided to let her back in, I don't know what would happen with us.  I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm just telling you how I feel at this moment.

.:: From the other side of the house, in walks Brandon Evans.  He hasn't heard any of the conversation but has wanted to talk with Jake one on one for a while.  It's been something that he has felt nervous about, but at the same time anxious about getting over with.  Like others, he wants answers. ::.

Brandon Evans: Yo... What's up?

.:: Roeper downplays the nature of the previous conversation. ::.

Roeper Hart: Meh honestly not a whole lot, yourself?

Brandon Evans: I was actually wondering if you would mind me speaking to Jake man to man?

.:: Jake can't resist his urge. ::.

Jake Starr: I'm game... Who's the other man?

.:: Brandon smirks. ::.

Brandon Evans: Ha ha...

.:: Roeper chuckles. ::.

Roeper Hart: Sure... I have laundry to fold anyway...

//The truth is, I don't blame her for the way she does.  I understand where her emotions are coming from.  I think they're right and justified.  I just don't know how to fix them.  I never shun people.  I always am there, even if they're righting a wrong they did to me.  I can't not be.  But at the same time do I always need to put myself on a limb for someone to just up and saw off once I get out there with them?  Do I always need to risk my own mental health and sanity?  Or in the end is it just who I am, and not doing it would drive me more insane?

I always wonder if my life is the only one this batshit out of sync, or if anyone can relate and understand... I just wish I knew...\\






~~~~THE GREATEST PROMO YOU'VE EVER READ WENT HERE.  IT WAS YUGE!  LONGEST EVER!~~~~~






//After hearing everything my wife had to say, and then my best friend magically appear, I began to wonder if this was some kind of coordinated assault to try and get me to see things their way, or make sure that I'm not going down a path of suicide again.  What they don't get is I have no desire to cross that threshold again, nor do I want to let that kind of darkness consume me again.  They don't understand I see it coming.  It can't blindside me like it did.  It can't drive me into a depressive state again.  Instead, I know how to fight back.  Yeah what they may be seeing is a depressed individual, but what they don't see is a man poised to not let himself lose again in that fashion.\\

.:: As Roeper leaves, Brandon walks in and sits down in the same spot as Roeoer.  He leans back and stares at Jake.  Jake is fiddling his phone, just awaiting the moment his friend berates him for everything he's putting himself through, but after several moments of silence, Brandon finally comes forward with what he wants to talk about with his friend. ::.

Brandon Evans: ... Alright man, so I have to ask, what's the deal?

Jake Starr: With what, exactly?  That could be a question of 100 different situations right now.

Brandon Evans: Autumn... Roeper... Pepper... All of them... What's the deal with all the women?  You're not a player, I know this.  You're loyal.  You care.  And I can see you legitimately care for each of them in a very genuine manner.  So it confuses me to see it be this way when I know who you are deep down inside.

.:: Jake sighs.  This wasn't the conversation he was expecting, but is one with one of the few people who would legitimately listen to him with an open mind. ::.

Jake Starr: ... You know man... I do.  I care about each of them in a very equal manner, and I can't explain it.  They each hold a special place in my life, and I feel like such an asshole about it.  I don't know why.  I don't know how.  I don't know what it means.  I don't know any of it.  All I know is they all matter to me.  I want them all happy.  I want to help make them all happy.  I want to save them from the hell in which they each live.

Brandon Evans: But Roeper doesn't live in hell, bro.  I mean, living with you may be shitty, i've only done it for like nearly a decade, but I'm still here!

Jake Starr: Well shit, while you're at it you forgot "her."

Brandon Evans: But with her, she really doesn't count the same, does she?  You love her, but you don't much get a choice, do you?

Jake Starr: Yeah, you can't pick them.  But I still worry about her and want her happy, too.  She's worked so hard, and done so much.  She deserves it, man...

Brandon Evans: And she'll get it.  She already is.  She knows you're there for her.  You've always been there, and that's why she came to you in the first place, before all of this started.

Jake Starr: Yeah...

.:: Jake looks down at his phone, still with no alert from Autumn. ::.

Jake Starr: ... I just want to know what happened, and why.

Brandon Evans: WIth Autumn?

Jake Starr: Yeah... I mean, we had been talking fine.  Everything was normal.  We were planning on meeting for lunch, but something changed and she had to run home, and after that all hell breaks loose, there's silence, and then she gets me served with paperwork?  What happened?!

Brandon Evans: You're asking like I know, man.  But what you NEED to be thinking about is if you really want to continue to spread yourself so thin and keep playing Superman.  You can't save the world.  On top of that, as even you've said, you can't Nerf the world to protect everyone, and that includes you.  You have to protect yourself sometimes.  You have to think about Jake Starr, and what HE NEEDS to be happy.

Jake Starr: That's the thing, Brandon... I've tried.  And when I try to worry about myself, I find myself worrying more about others instead.  I don't care about myself enough.  I know I need to, and I know I need to figure out how, but the thought of alienating ANY of them kills me inside because what if that's when they need me most?

Brandon Evans: You can't control that, Jake.  You can't frustrate yourself with that either.  They are grownups, too.  They are responsible for their actions.  Autumn, I don't know what the fuck she is doing with your head, but she's playing some sort of mind game.  I know about Snapchat...

.:: Jake freezes.  The one thing he hadn't told anyone was Autumn had added him back on Snapchat, but never reached out to him.  It's been the reason he's been so obsessed with his phone.  He's hoping that she'll show up. ::.

Jake Starr: ... How?

Brandon Evans: Honestly I saw the alert when she re-added you.  I didn't know if I saw it right, and then you obsessed over your phone and I knew what was going on, again.

Jake Starr: Yeah... Well...

Brandon Evans: I'm not saying kick anyone to the curb.  Whatever your heart feels, man, I'm going to support, even if I don't understand it.  But you need to focus on you.  You need to quit letting ANYONE but Jake Starr, or maybe Mara, get into your head about how you act and feel.  Not Autumn... Not Pepper... And not Roeper... You need to focus on you.  You need to focus on cleaning your mind and your heart so you can quit having these periods of darkness.  I've been there, man.  You've been on my end.  You helped me get out of the darkness by just reminding me that I matter and that I can do it.  Now it's my turn.  Now I have to remind you where your head needs to be.  It's not always on them.  It's not on the business.  It's on Jake Starr.

.:: Jake sighs. ::.

//He was right.  Everyone has been right.  He wasn't the first to look me in the eye and tell me that I needed to get my head on straight about me, but for some reason he was the first one that actually made it click.  The problem is, he was also right about her adding me on social media out of the blue.  It's more mind games.  It's more questions than answers.  She looks at everything I post, and knows I look at what she posts, too.  Nothing has she posted making me think she's trying to make me not feel she added me to fuck with my head.  It's all back to her wanting me part of her life.

So what do I do?  What do I think?  How do I not let it make me think that there is still something there, and this isn't her way of reaching out?  Where should my mind be but on her, and the others?  Wherever my mind is supposed to be, it's not there, but it needs to be.  I know he's right about it.  Regardless, it's causing darkness I don't like again.  I'm thankful, though, for those who are watching me a lot closer so I don't let myself fall into the nightmare I put myself in before.

They will be the only thing keeping me from trying to off myself again...\\