05-30-2020, 11:57 AM
[I feel like everything in my life is completely out of control. My anxiety is through the roof and right now I am probably the most anxious person in Supreme Championship Wrestling. Even before this past Wednesday night I have been having nightmares of all different sorts. It has led me to come to the home of my cousin, Stacy Kissinger, even though we had agreed that I would arrive at 10 o’clock in the morning, instead of right now, 10 o’clock at night. I haven’t gotten out of the rental car yet to ring the bell, as I am currently instead thinking about everything that has brought me here. From failing repetitively as a competitor as of late, to tossing and turning every single night, to feeling so frustrated all the time, and finally to the worst… feeling like I have failed Martha and Sarah Vixen. They both wanted me to return to the ring and be successful, along with aiding the future of SCW. With the way I feel right now, neither of those goals can be achieved. I am at my wit’s end.]
[I grunt just like my own daughter has so many times in the past when she doesn’t get her way before I unbuckle and get out of the car. Forgetting where I am for a second I slam the door really loud, but it seems to have gone unnoticed. I head for the door and look in through the window, seeing that the kitchen light is on at least, meaning at least one of them is up. I then see her through the window cleaning up something at the sink, wearing a simple white nightie, her hair let down. Without thinking twice I ring the doorbell. She turns and immediately comes towards me. She opens the door without hesitation and urges me to come right in, softly speaking to me.]
Stacy:
“Hopefully he didn’t hear the doorbell. Our son is sleepin’. Here, sit on the couch. I’ll go get ya a glass of water. Ya need it.”
[She’s right. I check my forehead with left hand and I have broken out into a sweat after having thought about all the things that have been making my head swirl. I feel a little bit of shortness of breath, so I do my best to calm down and regain my bearings. She is back really quick and looks very concerned as she holds out the glass for me.]
Stacy:
"Drink up Jay. I... I've nevuh seen ya like this before. You look so pale, almost like a ghost."
[I take the glass into my hands and immediately gulp down some of the water, enough so I am able to get out the three important words.]
Jay:
"Craig. Spar. Now."
Stacy:
"Luckily he is still awake. I think he was callin' Tyler to check in on him and Charlotte. This is an emergency. It can't wait until mornin'. I can tell."
[The moment I put the glass down she takes my hands in hers and looks me right in the eyes.]
Jay:
"I'm sorry."
Stacy:
"Don't be. It's okay. People reach their breakin' points at some point in their lives. I should know. I've been there."
[Stacy looks past me and off into the distance before she returns her focus.]
Stacy:
"You still look awful. Here, lay down. I'll get you an extra pillow or two. You're welcome to stay the night as well."
[All I can do is nod as I can feel my face is still flushed and not getting any better. She continues to tend to me until we both can hear Craig coming up from downstairs. I stay down on the couch as she makes her way towards him.]
Stacy:
"It can't wait Craig. Look at him."
Craig:
"Are you sure though Stace? I don't want to hurt him any more than he already is."
[At this point I just speak to him from the couch.]
Jay:
"The physical pain I can take. The physical pain I NEED. Anything to distract me from everything else. I'm sorry it can't wait until morning. I need this now."
[Craig walks around the couch so I can look at him and he can look at me. He nods.]
Craig:
"Let's head down to the basement. I have the sparring mat laid out."
[The three of us head down, me behind Craig and Stacy. Stacy asks about Tyler and Charlotte, to which Craig responds.]
Craig:
"They're both fine. Tyler is his usual self, admitting that he's scared of asking Charlotte to marry him."
Stacy:
"No change there. Nice to hear that they are both doin' well during this time though, ya know?"
Craig:
"Yes."
[We arrive downstairs and Craig goes to one side of the mat after taking his shoes off. I do the same and go to the other side. Stacy stands off to the side. Hopefully we won't wake up their son. Hopefully upstairs he is out like a light.]
Craig:
"Alright Jay, I can teach you some of my ground and pound if you want. Perhaps that is what you have been missing in your repertoire. You are getting older now so really the aerial maneuvers should come less from you. I'm not saying to put them on the back burner, but from when I have watched you, you would be better off keeping an opponent grounded. Want to try it out?"
[I nod. He and I both meet in the center of the mat and lock up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. I try to go around him but he senses this coming and is able to get in a takedown on me, putting me on the mat. Craig stops and looks at me.]
Jay:
"I was a step behind there."
Craig:
"Yes. You were. I think you know this already, but always keep your eyes on your opponent. Stay as focused as possible. I know it will be hard in the battle royal on Sunday night, but focus on one, not on multiple. Let everyone else do what they are going to do. If you stay as close to the ground as possible, chances for survival are definitely higher. Trust me, I also taught my wife that."
Stacy:
"Yeah."
Jay:
"Can we please try that again?"
[Craig is the one nodding this time around and we meet up again. This time I am able to counter him and turn him around, but when I go to take him out at the left knee, he moves to behind me and locks in a full nelson. I grunt in frustration but begin to fight my way out of it. I am able to break the hold and then I go low, this time taking Craig down to the mat with a drop toe hold.]
Craig:
"Nice."
[Both of us get back up and the intensity picks up a little. Both of us try to whip one another across the mat, but we both counter it. Craig however gets the upper hand, again with a clothesline which puts me back down on the mat. I pound the mat in frustration as Craig backs off and Stacy comes onto the mat. She kneels down to check on me.]
Jay:
"I'm fine! I just... I can't believe I have become so slow!"
Stacy:
"Hmm, maybe I should step in for a bit."
Craig:
"Are you sure Stace?"
Stacy:
"Yeah. Come on Jay. It's been a while for me. Face me first some then we will work ya back up to Craig. We can both tell ya want to do yer best."
[Stacy kicks off her night slippers and begins to grapple with me. We come to a stalemate the first time. Both of us reset and this second time Stacy attempts to go low on me. I block her and then spin her around before catching my lower right leg inside her lower left, connecting with the Golden Moment. She goes down to the mat and rolls over. I stop.]
Jay:
"Oh dear, are you okay Stacy?"
[Stacy giggles a little, meaning she is very likely fine.]
Stacy:
"Yeah I am. But that just proved what Craig said. Focus. We both know it's hard to do when ya have multiple opponents in front of ya, but it's what ya must do to be successful. No matter if it's one opponent, two, three, or even thirty-nine."
Jay:
"I know all of this, but it's just, apparently I'm not good enough this day and age to be competitive against most of SCW. I mean hell look what Giovanni Aries did the other night. I know his teammates were suspended from competing and all, but it's clear he had the balls to send down two untrained athletes in their place! I..."
Stacy:
"Hey. You and Kelsai did what ya had to do. You were both put in a rough spot, so yes, you were right to be angry with Sasha. Sasha is in the end responsible for everythin' that happens. I agree with ya there, as someone else who has had their problems with Sasha... But..."
Jay:
"But what?"
[She can see I am getting really amped up again, about everything that has been going on recently. She softens her eyes some as Craig looks on.]
Stacy:
"Give her a chance to make things right. Ask to talk to her, remain calm, and lay out all yer thoughts to her. She should listen to you Jay. You earned yer hall of fame status, and I don't wanna see ya throw it all away. Craig doesn't want to see that. And I know most importantly yer wife, yer daughter, and yer own self don't want that. But you should take care of that at a latuh date."
Jay:
"Okay."
[Stacy backs away off the mat and Craig reassumes his position on the mat. He teaches me quite a few more moves and things that I have not yet employed in a wrestling ring. Most of them were more ground-and-pound techniques, in order to stay on top of and in control of an opponent. I feel like I have learned much, despite ending up on the losing end of this sparring lesson. But that I’m fine with. Tonight was all about learning, not winning or losing.]
[As our sparring session comes to an end I am really breathing hard. Craig hasn't broken too much of a sweat, which does worry me. Clearly I still have a lot of work to do. Craig heads upstairs as I just stay seated on the wrestling mat. Stacy sits down next to me and slips an arm around my shoulder.]
Stacy:
"Um, this is clearly more than just about SCW. Anythin' ya wanna talk about?"
[I don’t want to trouble her with what’s been going on. However she can clearly tell that I am a troubled soul. Stacy sits next to me on the wrestling mat and places of her arms around my shoulders. With her free hand she raises my chin up so she can see me and I can see her.]
Stacy:
"I do care about ya Jay. We're family. But if ya don't wanna talk about it, I'm not gonna force ya. Do ya think it's best if ya just get some sleep?"
Jay:
"That. That's part of the problem. I've been having nightmares for quite some time now. So many bad things have happened over the past several years. So many. I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions. It's clear I've needed some me time, but I know I need to be there for my wife, and be there for our daughter, and be there for my parents who have grown older. I've been unable to take care of myself."
[There's a pause between us as she keeps her free hand on my chin. She nods, showing she understands. I figured she would.]
Stacy:
"I feel the same way sometimes. So does Craig. But we talk to one anothuh, ya know? We talk to one anothuh a lot, and we don't let things festuh. Are you and Martha the same way?"
[Maybe that's part of it. As I think back, the two of us have not had the best of communication. Something else for me to work on, opening up more to my precious Martha when I get the chance to do so.]
Jay:
"I need to work on that."
Stacy:
"Oh. Hmm. Do you wanna give her a call tonight?"
Jay:
"I don't want to disturb her or my daughter as they are definitely sleeping by now. And this weekend I'm really busy and-"
[She interrupts me.]
Stacy:
"Call her. If not right now, make sure to do that tomorrow. If you truly love her Jay, call her. Tell her everythin' yer feelin'. I mean it. At least that way everythin' will be out on the table. At least that weight of hidin' things will be off yer shoulders."
[I just nod to my cousin. She then heads upstairs, leaving me to try to get some semblance of sleep for the night. I am already afraid of what I might dream about, but soon I find myself drifting off to sleep. What will I encounter? Only time will tell…]
*******
I hear her. She calls out for me, almost crying. And then I see her. Sparkle looks more flustered than ever, oddly enough the same way that I feel. She turns to see me and immediately runs at me, so fast that I cannot even more a muscle. The next thing I feel is her worried embrace and before I know it, her lips are connected with mine. I try to break free as I only like her as a friend. I LOVE MARTHA! The harder I fight though, the more clingy Sparkle becomes. As I try and disconnect the kiss to try and talk to Danielle, her kiss becomes stronger and stronger to the point where I cannot. And then I do what I must do... I shove her backwards and she falls to the ground. She looks up at me, wailing before she stiffens up and dies right here in front of me, but not before screaming out loud "I LOVE YOU JAY!"
*******
I awake with a jump, screaming myself, as if I am in physical pain. It does not take long before Stacy Kissinger runs like a flash down the stairs and is at my side, kneeling by the couch.
Stacy:
"Oh muh gosh, are you okay? Craig and I could hear you tossing and turning from upstairs, and now this. What's going on?"
Jay:
"I... I had the nightmare again. I didn't want to tell you about it, but now I feel I have to."
Stacy:
"Only if you want to."
[I look at my cousin and explain it all to her.]
Jay:
"It's mine and my wife's deceased friend Danielle. She... she keeps appearing in my dreams. Every single time she is crying and desperately needs me. It always ends with her holding me and kissing me so tight that I can't escape, until I shove her down to the ground with a whole lot of force. After I do so she... she... she dies!"
[Tears fall out of my eyes. I can feel them. Stacy isn't sure what to say or do. I wait for a response from her amidst tears as I then hear Craig at the top of the stairs. He watches the scene unfolding before him. I wipe away the tears from my broken-down self and speak the best I can.]
Jay:
"I... I think I've imposed upon the two of you more than enough. I should go."
Stacy:
"No. Stay here until the mornin' at least. Yer in no condition to drive. It's no wonduh ya can't seem to focus. You need to open up to your wife, way more than ya've clearly been doin' Jay. Even if it hurts her to hear it, she needs to know the truth."
Jay:
"I know. I've kept it in for far too long. Even when I tell her though, I'm just... I'm scared I will throw a wrench into our marriage. We are both very happy, even in troubled times."
Stacy:
"As scared as you are, she needs to know. If I was yer wife, I'd wanna know. Anyways, I can see yer probably not gonna get any more sleep tonight. Do the best ya can. Craig and I will be upstairs if ya need us. If ya can't sleep, at least take this time to think Jay. And know that even though I'm just a cousin, I care for ya deeply."
Craig:
"And I do too. Jay, please listen to her. Stacy is the most amazing lady I've ever met."
Jay:
"I know she is. I guess I'm just sorry that I disturbed you both with my problems."
Craig:
"We're both glad you did. We'll see you in the morning."
[Craig disappears back into their bedroom. Stacy looks at me in the eyes one more time with her deep brown ones before she stands up and heads back upstairs to rejoin her husband, so the two of them can try to sleep the rest of the night. Trust me. I will do the best I can to not disrupt them again. I am very thankful for all they have done for me tonight, and I will let them fully know my appreciation in the morning before I leave. I guess I know what needs to be done now, even if it causes more harm then good. If I don't say anything though and instead choose to remain silent, I am afraid this rough patch I have been going through will continue, with no end in sight. That is not what I want.]
*******
[I have felt no better this morning. Stacy even served me a really nice breakfast, but still it hasn’t helped. I’m about ready to leave now, but Stacy tells me to hold up. She comes over to the area by the front door and hugs me as gently as possible. I have never felt a more gentle embrace from anyone before, not even from my own wife. I hug her in return and whisper to her.]
Jay:
“Thank you for everything you and Craig were able to do for me. It’s going to be a long road. I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for it.”
Stacy:
“Life isn’t always easy Jay. You have my phone numbuh though. Don’t be afraid to call me at any time. I’ll be here.”
[For a moment Stacy freezes here in front of me before she reaches out and gives me a peck on the cheek. She then looks into my hazel eyes.]
Stacy:
“Take care of yerself. And remembuh, even if you don’t win the battle royal on Sunday night, it’s not the end of the world. You have family that really, truly cares for you, despite wins and losses. Most importantly, please call Martha this morning. I beg of you to do that. If she truly loves you, at least one of yer problems might be solved.”
Jay:
“I’ll do that. Thanks so much.”
Stacy:
“Yer welcome so much.”
[I make my way out the front door and back to the rental car. I turn back and wave towards my cousin, which gets a return wave. She then fully returns inside. I sigh and open up the door to the car. The next thing I do is take my cousin’s advice and immediately dial the phone number for home. It rings three times, but right before it gets to the fourth ring, I hear Martha’s voice, and Sarah Vixen’s in the background.]
Martha:
“Hi honey. How have you been? Sarah and I have been really worried. I know you probably don’t have much time to talk with it being Taking Hold of the Flame weekend, but can we at least talk for a little while.”
[I gulp before responding, for the first time since asking her out on our first date, being nervous to speak to her.]
Jay:
“Yeah, that’s what I’m calling for. Here, I’ll put you on speaker. I have to head to the airport. My flight leaves at 11. It’s already after 9.”
Martha:
“Ummm, I thought Taking Hold of the Flame was in New Jersey. 9 o’clock puts you in the Central Time Zone Jay. Where are you?”
Jay:
“I have to tell you the truth. All of it. I didn’t want to bother you or Sarah due to all that’s going on, so I went to my cousin Stacy. She, her husband, and I all spoke and well, it was a trip that I needed to take.”
Martha:
“You know you can talk to me whenever you feel troubled honey.”
Jay:
“It runs deeper than that Martha. Hopefully I won’t get too upset while driving, but this needs to come out.”
[On her end of the phone I can hear her asking our daughter for privacy. Before Sarah can no longer be heard, I hear her voice one time.]
Sarah Vixen:
“I love you daddy! Please take care of yourself and come home after this weekend, even if only for a little while! I need you and so does mom!”
Jay:
“I know, and I will try my best to be there. Take care of yourself too.”
[I hear a door close, meaning now it’s just me and my wife, on the phone, alone.]
Martha:
“Okay, I’m alone. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
Jay:
“I’ve been having reoccurring nightmares. About Danielle.”
Martha:
“Oh.”
[That’s all she can say, a disappointed-sounding “Oh”. She has undoubtedly not forgotten about what happened all those years ago, when I confided in Danielle, when Martha herself distanced herself from me. Danielle was an amazing girl as well, but I chose to marry Martha because I truly loved her, for everything she was and is.]
Martha:
“Sooo, what happens in these dreams?”
[I heavily sigh, but know that it’s no use to continue holding it back from her. She will say what she will say.]
Jay:
“In the dream she runs at me and throws herself at me. She then desperate clings on to me and kisses me, not letting me go. I do fight her off Martha, but when I do and she ends up on the ground, she instantly… dies. I don’t know what to make of it.”
[She is silent, for far too long. In fact I am almost to the airport as I can see DFW in the distance.]
Jay:
“Please say something Martha. Anything.”
Martha:
“I don’t know what to make of it either. I do remember that time when you and I weren’t speaking with one another and you went to her, just looking for a friend. I always have understood that. But I’m wondering, why now? Especially when I know you have so many other things going on. Maybe Sarah and I were wrong. Maybe we shouldn’t have forced you to go back.”
Jay:
“It’s not your fault or Sarah’s. I guess it just comes with the territory of returning to a world that I was in over ten years ago. So much has changed though, so much.”
Martha:
“I know. Listen, if you don’t want to continue in SCW and you want to permanently retire, I won’t be disappointed in you. I love you, and I’m sure Sarah wouldn’t be disappointed either.”
Jay:
“I’m not so sure about that. I saw the look in her eyes when I left Martha. She was excited about watching her father wrestle live in front of the whole world. I can’t take that away from her, not now, not ever. Tomorrow night I will have to push everything aside and do one thing that Craig and Stacy taught me to do.”
Martha:
“Focus?”
Jay:
“Yes. But don’t worry, I’ll be thinking of the two of you as I compete out there. The two of you ladies are what drives me to want to be successful. As I look around the SCW landscape right now, there aren’t many spouses or children who are supportive, but I know you two are VERY supportive. Look, after tomorrow night, I will be coming home. I need the time with the two of you, a lot of it.”
Martha:
“And we are very okay with that Jay. Just please stay safe. I know I always harp on that, but we both love you and need you in our lives. On top of that, good luck. Don’t worry if you don’t end up in the main event of Rise to Greatness. That is not the most important thing in the world. The most important thing in the world is that we are both already so proud of you. Now it is really all about you being proud of yourself. Push all the bad things aside tomorrow night and deal with them later.”
Jay:
“But… but Stacy said I shouldn’t do that. It’s never good to hold everything in. That’s when I become like… well, what I am now. I’m distraught. I’m nervous. I’m… all over the place Martha. I have even gotten in Sasha’s face which is something I don’t do. I don’t like what I have become. It’s better if I have something to say that I just say it!”
Martha:
“You’re right.”
[That’s all she tells me. I focus sharply on driving right now as I have reached the airport. I head for the departure area and get ready to drop the rental car off at the Hertz station.]
Jay:
“Okay, I’m at the airport. I have to get going. Can I call you later maybe?”
Martha:
“Sure. Any time. I love you.”
[She says it with meaning, almost sounding like she is crying herself.]
Jay:
“I love you too. After this weekend is over, I’m all yours.”
Martha:
“Okay, talk to you later. Bye.”
Jay:
“Bye.”
[She hangs up on her end first and I hit the end button on my phone as I park the rental car. I retrieve all my belongings from within it before turning over the keys to the clerk at the Hertz station. I pay the funds that are due with my credit card and then race as quick as I can to the airport terminal. Time is growing short and I still have to get through security. Hopefully I will make the flight. Hopefully I will end up in Newark at Taking Hold of the Flame. And hopefully I will be able to focus on the battle royal when it comes time to do so.]
*******
[And so I missed my flight. Luckily by chance I have a seat for the two o’clock flight. Someone had cancelled and I snapped that ticket up so fast. The person at the counter could see how desperate I was, but he also knew who I was. So in that way hall of fame status does count. For right now I wait to board this later flight, with everything weighing heavily on my mind. Last night and this morning have been nothing but a whirlwind, but that’s all behind me now. I need to focus, and that time starts right now.]
[Seeing that there is still over twenty minutes before boarding begins, I have slipped off into the nearby meditation room. No one else is in here with me, so I lock the door. I sit down cross-legged on the floor by the running brook that is in the room and then close my eyes. I still feel so conflicted, with so much on my mind. Only this time it is about the state of SCW, and of those who I could be up against tomorrow night. I can see all their images right before my eyes. From the dancing bear that I scowl at, to all the girls who are desperate to win the SCW World Championship (or any championship for that matter), to those whom I respect like Selena Frost, to those that I don’t respect at all because they haven’t earned respect, and finally to the outliers like Xander Valentine. I re-open my eyes slowly and look into the brook’s water before I find myself speaking to myself. I allow my right pointer finger hit the record button on my phone, so at least the whole world will be able to hear me in my current state.]
Jay:
“This has always been a weekend unlike any other. I have been a part of it in good times and in bad. This one is unfortunately looking like one of the bad ones, but that does not mean I won’t be trying my best to toss anyone and everyone out of that ring. I know how to survive in a match like this one, as I was second place back in 2004, and was also involved in a tie on top of that, not to mention a few other top 10 finishes. I am no rookie. I am not green, despite having only returned here to SCW almost five months ago. It may look it because I haven’t been getting the success that I have wanted, Martha has wanted, and most importantly what my daughter thought would happen. I do need to realize though that I have been facing some of the best. Aaron Blackbourne is a great part of SCW’s present and will continue to be more than just an asset in SCW’s future. He could very well become the World Champion tomorrow night, despite what Bree Lancaster might think. But that’s for the two of them to settle.”
[I pause and look around the room for a few moments before focusing my attention back on the running brook, knowing time is growing shorter before I have to return to the hallway in order to board my flight.]
Jay:
“I however have much to settle, far more than just the championship that they will be fighting over. So, will I be discussing each and every single one of you that is signed up to be in that ring tomorrow night? No. Each and every single one of you can take care of yourselves. What I need to do is for this one night… focus on me. Now normally I am not selfish like this, but after everything I have been through as of late, everything I have really been through since I started in SCW back in 2003, it is necessary. I’m sure none of you fans out there will blame me. I’m not becoming bad or anything like that. It’s just that for once in my life, I will admit it, I NEED to be desperate. This isn’t me hanging onto my past accomplishments. This is me feeling a way that I have never felt before. I am in shambles. I am a mess. And I want to clean this mess up in the best way I know possible. I want to do it without hurting others, but I can see now that that is a weakness. I was lucky against Selena Frost, as she didn’t want to hurt me either. But a lot of you others, I know you will have no regard for me or for anyone else but yourselves. Thus, that is the mentality I need to have tomorrow night. Tomorrow night the world will see a Jay Gold that I hope none of them hate. I don’t want to be viewed as a monster. Heaven forbid that SCW and the world already have enough of those.”
“But even with those monsters in play, those monsters also have soft spots. Those monsters can be viewed as good. To me, Xander Valentine is not a monster. He’s not even a bad guy. He’s a good guy that many bad things have happened to. Sadly I feel I am now down that same path. So much has happened, especially lately, that I don’t know if I will be able to contain myself. Sasha almost caught my wrath. She was lucky that Kelsai and Amy were there. Tomorrow night though, it won’t matter who tries to hold me back. If any of you piss me off, and I mean ANY OF YOU, no one will be able to hold me back from acting on my own accord! If it even happens once, I just know that I am going to lose control, as unstable as I have been.”
“Just know this, whether you’re a brat, or you’re someone I respect, I am not going to stop until I’ve done all that I can to not just survive this battle royal, but also win it. I have been so close a few times now and even though all those times were years upon years ago, it doesn’t mean that I can’t get to the end again. I know I have much still to learn, and much still to offer to our business, but first I need to take care of myself before I can help those of you who deserve to see the top like I have.”
“I truly do want SCW to see its Golden Years, but right now, that seems to depend on me. I feel like we are all in the Dark Ages, especially myself now. Things need to change. Even if I have to go all the way to the edge and back, it needs to happen. Thus tomorrow night, when it comes time, I will have to live in the moment. I will have to push all of the past behind and focus on the here and now.”
“So what does all of that mean for the rest of you? Time will tell. But hear me out, I don’t even know what I will be capable of. I don’t know if I will be able to take hold of the flame, or if I might just snuff out the flame of some of you that I truly care about. No matter what happens, all I ask is for forgiveness. If anything bad happens, just know that I am not myself. I am not Jay Gold. I am a desperate man that is looking to get his life fully into order. Because right now my mind is racing, several miles per minute. I don’t know where to go, where to turn, or what to do. Tomorrow night, what happens… happens.”
[I lower my head for a minute and then carefully get up off the ground. I leave the meditation room and head to the boarding area, with this being the last time I will be on the ground prior to being in Newark, prior to being in the city where flames will be burned out, possibly forever. What will happen? I have no idea. I just hope after tomorrow night that I can get my life back in order. In the end that truly does matter, especially when it comes to everyone that I care about, and everyone that cares about me.]
[I grunt just like my own daughter has so many times in the past when she doesn’t get her way before I unbuckle and get out of the car. Forgetting where I am for a second I slam the door really loud, but it seems to have gone unnoticed. I head for the door and look in through the window, seeing that the kitchen light is on at least, meaning at least one of them is up. I then see her through the window cleaning up something at the sink, wearing a simple white nightie, her hair let down. Without thinking twice I ring the doorbell. She turns and immediately comes towards me. She opens the door without hesitation and urges me to come right in, softly speaking to me.]
Stacy:
“Hopefully he didn’t hear the doorbell. Our son is sleepin’. Here, sit on the couch. I’ll go get ya a glass of water. Ya need it.”
[She’s right. I check my forehead with left hand and I have broken out into a sweat after having thought about all the things that have been making my head swirl. I feel a little bit of shortness of breath, so I do my best to calm down and regain my bearings. She is back really quick and looks very concerned as she holds out the glass for me.]
Stacy:
"Drink up Jay. I... I've nevuh seen ya like this before. You look so pale, almost like a ghost."
[I take the glass into my hands and immediately gulp down some of the water, enough so I am able to get out the three important words.]
Jay:
"Craig. Spar. Now."
Stacy:
"Luckily he is still awake. I think he was callin' Tyler to check in on him and Charlotte. This is an emergency. It can't wait until mornin'. I can tell."
[The moment I put the glass down she takes my hands in hers and looks me right in the eyes.]
Jay:
"I'm sorry."
Stacy:
"Don't be. It's okay. People reach their breakin' points at some point in their lives. I should know. I've been there."
[Stacy looks past me and off into the distance before she returns her focus.]
Stacy:
"You still look awful. Here, lay down. I'll get you an extra pillow or two. You're welcome to stay the night as well."
[All I can do is nod as I can feel my face is still flushed and not getting any better. She continues to tend to me until we both can hear Craig coming up from downstairs. I stay down on the couch as she makes her way towards him.]
Stacy:
"It can't wait Craig. Look at him."
Craig:
"Are you sure though Stace? I don't want to hurt him any more than he already is."
[At this point I just speak to him from the couch.]
Jay:
"The physical pain I can take. The physical pain I NEED. Anything to distract me from everything else. I'm sorry it can't wait until morning. I need this now."
[Craig walks around the couch so I can look at him and he can look at me. He nods.]
Craig:
"Let's head down to the basement. I have the sparring mat laid out."
[The three of us head down, me behind Craig and Stacy. Stacy asks about Tyler and Charlotte, to which Craig responds.]
Craig:
"They're both fine. Tyler is his usual self, admitting that he's scared of asking Charlotte to marry him."
Stacy:
"No change there. Nice to hear that they are both doin' well during this time though, ya know?"
Craig:
"Yes."
[We arrive downstairs and Craig goes to one side of the mat after taking his shoes off. I do the same and go to the other side. Stacy stands off to the side. Hopefully we won't wake up their son. Hopefully upstairs he is out like a light.]
Craig:
"Alright Jay, I can teach you some of my ground and pound if you want. Perhaps that is what you have been missing in your repertoire. You are getting older now so really the aerial maneuvers should come less from you. I'm not saying to put them on the back burner, but from when I have watched you, you would be better off keeping an opponent grounded. Want to try it out?"
[I nod. He and I both meet in the center of the mat and lock up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. I try to go around him but he senses this coming and is able to get in a takedown on me, putting me on the mat. Craig stops and looks at me.]
Jay:
"I was a step behind there."
Craig:
"Yes. You were. I think you know this already, but always keep your eyes on your opponent. Stay as focused as possible. I know it will be hard in the battle royal on Sunday night, but focus on one, not on multiple. Let everyone else do what they are going to do. If you stay as close to the ground as possible, chances for survival are definitely higher. Trust me, I also taught my wife that."
Stacy:
"Yeah."
Jay:
"Can we please try that again?"
[Craig is the one nodding this time around and we meet up again. This time I am able to counter him and turn him around, but when I go to take him out at the left knee, he moves to behind me and locks in a full nelson. I grunt in frustration but begin to fight my way out of it. I am able to break the hold and then I go low, this time taking Craig down to the mat with a drop toe hold.]
Craig:
"Nice."
[Both of us get back up and the intensity picks up a little. Both of us try to whip one another across the mat, but we both counter it. Craig however gets the upper hand, again with a clothesline which puts me back down on the mat. I pound the mat in frustration as Craig backs off and Stacy comes onto the mat. She kneels down to check on me.]
Jay:
"I'm fine! I just... I can't believe I have become so slow!"
Stacy:
"Hmm, maybe I should step in for a bit."
Craig:
"Are you sure Stace?"
Stacy:
"Yeah. Come on Jay. It's been a while for me. Face me first some then we will work ya back up to Craig. We can both tell ya want to do yer best."
[Stacy kicks off her night slippers and begins to grapple with me. We come to a stalemate the first time. Both of us reset and this second time Stacy attempts to go low on me. I block her and then spin her around before catching my lower right leg inside her lower left, connecting with the Golden Moment. She goes down to the mat and rolls over. I stop.]
Jay:
"Oh dear, are you okay Stacy?"
[Stacy giggles a little, meaning she is very likely fine.]
Stacy:
"Yeah I am. But that just proved what Craig said. Focus. We both know it's hard to do when ya have multiple opponents in front of ya, but it's what ya must do to be successful. No matter if it's one opponent, two, three, or even thirty-nine."
Jay:
"I know all of this, but it's just, apparently I'm not good enough this day and age to be competitive against most of SCW. I mean hell look what Giovanni Aries did the other night. I know his teammates were suspended from competing and all, but it's clear he had the balls to send down two untrained athletes in their place! I..."
Stacy:
"Hey. You and Kelsai did what ya had to do. You were both put in a rough spot, so yes, you were right to be angry with Sasha. Sasha is in the end responsible for everythin' that happens. I agree with ya there, as someone else who has had their problems with Sasha... But..."
Jay:
"But what?"
[She can see I am getting really amped up again, about everything that has been going on recently. She softens her eyes some as Craig looks on.]
Stacy:
"Give her a chance to make things right. Ask to talk to her, remain calm, and lay out all yer thoughts to her. She should listen to you Jay. You earned yer hall of fame status, and I don't wanna see ya throw it all away. Craig doesn't want to see that. And I know most importantly yer wife, yer daughter, and yer own self don't want that. But you should take care of that at a latuh date."
Jay:
"Okay."
[Stacy backs away off the mat and Craig reassumes his position on the mat. He teaches me quite a few more moves and things that I have not yet employed in a wrestling ring. Most of them were more ground-and-pound techniques, in order to stay on top of and in control of an opponent. I feel like I have learned much, despite ending up on the losing end of this sparring lesson. But that I’m fine with. Tonight was all about learning, not winning or losing.]
[As our sparring session comes to an end I am really breathing hard. Craig hasn't broken too much of a sweat, which does worry me. Clearly I still have a lot of work to do. Craig heads upstairs as I just stay seated on the wrestling mat. Stacy sits down next to me and slips an arm around my shoulder.]
Stacy:
"Um, this is clearly more than just about SCW. Anythin' ya wanna talk about?"
[I don’t want to trouble her with what’s been going on. However she can clearly tell that I am a troubled soul. Stacy sits next to me on the wrestling mat and places of her arms around my shoulders. With her free hand she raises my chin up so she can see me and I can see her.]
Stacy:
"I do care about ya Jay. We're family. But if ya don't wanna talk about it, I'm not gonna force ya. Do ya think it's best if ya just get some sleep?"
Jay:
"That. That's part of the problem. I've been having nightmares for quite some time now. So many bad things have happened over the past several years. So many. I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions. It's clear I've needed some me time, but I know I need to be there for my wife, and be there for our daughter, and be there for my parents who have grown older. I've been unable to take care of myself."
[There's a pause between us as she keeps her free hand on my chin. She nods, showing she understands. I figured she would.]
Stacy:
"I feel the same way sometimes. So does Craig. But we talk to one anothuh, ya know? We talk to one anothuh a lot, and we don't let things festuh. Are you and Martha the same way?"
[Maybe that's part of it. As I think back, the two of us have not had the best of communication. Something else for me to work on, opening up more to my precious Martha when I get the chance to do so.]
Jay:
"I need to work on that."
Stacy:
"Oh. Hmm. Do you wanna give her a call tonight?"
Jay:
"I don't want to disturb her or my daughter as they are definitely sleeping by now. And this weekend I'm really busy and-"
[She interrupts me.]
Stacy:
"Call her. If not right now, make sure to do that tomorrow. If you truly love her Jay, call her. Tell her everythin' yer feelin'. I mean it. At least that way everythin' will be out on the table. At least that weight of hidin' things will be off yer shoulders."
[I just nod to my cousin. She then heads upstairs, leaving me to try to get some semblance of sleep for the night. I am already afraid of what I might dream about, but soon I find myself drifting off to sleep. What will I encounter? Only time will tell…]
*******
I hear her. She calls out for me, almost crying. And then I see her. Sparkle looks more flustered than ever, oddly enough the same way that I feel. She turns to see me and immediately runs at me, so fast that I cannot even more a muscle. The next thing I feel is her worried embrace and before I know it, her lips are connected with mine. I try to break free as I only like her as a friend. I LOVE MARTHA! The harder I fight though, the more clingy Sparkle becomes. As I try and disconnect the kiss to try and talk to Danielle, her kiss becomes stronger and stronger to the point where I cannot. And then I do what I must do... I shove her backwards and she falls to the ground. She looks up at me, wailing before she stiffens up and dies right here in front of me, but not before screaming out loud "I LOVE YOU JAY!"
*******
I awake with a jump, screaming myself, as if I am in physical pain. It does not take long before Stacy Kissinger runs like a flash down the stairs and is at my side, kneeling by the couch.
Stacy:
"Oh muh gosh, are you okay? Craig and I could hear you tossing and turning from upstairs, and now this. What's going on?"
Jay:
"I... I had the nightmare again. I didn't want to tell you about it, but now I feel I have to."
Stacy:
"Only if you want to."
[I look at my cousin and explain it all to her.]
Jay:
"It's mine and my wife's deceased friend Danielle. She... she keeps appearing in my dreams. Every single time she is crying and desperately needs me. It always ends with her holding me and kissing me so tight that I can't escape, until I shove her down to the ground with a whole lot of force. After I do so she... she... she dies!"
[Tears fall out of my eyes. I can feel them. Stacy isn't sure what to say or do. I wait for a response from her amidst tears as I then hear Craig at the top of the stairs. He watches the scene unfolding before him. I wipe away the tears from my broken-down self and speak the best I can.]
Jay:
"I... I think I've imposed upon the two of you more than enough. I should go."
Stacy:
"No. Stay here until the mornin' at least. Yer in no condition to drive. It's no wonduh ya can't seem to focus. You need to open up to your wife, way more than ya've clearly been doin' Jay. Even if it hurts her to hear it, she needs to know the truth."
Jay:
"I know. I've kept it in for far too long. Even when I tell her though, I'm just... I'm scared I will throw a wrench into our marriage. We are both very happy, even in troubled times."
Stacy:
"As scared as you are, she needs to know. If I was yer wife, I'd wanna know. Anyways, I can see yer probably not gonna get any more sleep tonight. Do the best ya can. Craig and I will be upstairs if ya need us. If ya can't sleep, at least take this time to think Jay. And know that even though I'm just a cousin, I care for ya deeply."
Craig:
"And I do too. Jay, please listen to her. Stacy is the most amazing lady I've ever met."
Jay:
"I know she is. I guess I'm just sorry that I disturbed you both with my problems."
Craig:
"We're both glad you did. We'll see you in the morning."
[Craig disappears back into their bedroom. Stacy looks at me in the eyes one more time with her deep brown ones before she stands up and heads back upstairs to rejoin her husband, so the two of them can try to sleep the rest of the night. Trust me. I will do the best I can to not disrupt them again. I am very thankful for all they have done for me tonight, and I will let them fully know my appreciation in the morning before I leave. I guess I know what needs to be done now, even if it causes more harm then good. If I don't say anything though and instead choose to remain silent, I am afraid this rough patch I have been going through will continue, with no end in sight. That is not what I want.]
*******
[I have felt no better this morning. Stacy even served me a really nice breakfast, but still it hasn’t helped. I’m about ready to leave now, but Stacy tells me to hold up. She comes over to the area by the front door and hugs me as gently as possible. I have never felt a more gentle embrace from anyone before, not even from my own wife. I hug her in return and whisper to her.]
Jay:
“Thank you for everything you and Craig were able to do for me. It’s going to be a long road. I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for it.”
Stacy:
“Life isn’t always easy Jay. You have my phone numbuh though. Don’t be afraid to call me at any time. I’ll be here.”
[For a moment Stacy freezes here in front of me before she reaches out and gives me a peck on the cheek. She then looks into my hazel eyes.]
Stacy:
“Take care of yerself. And remembuh, even if you don’t win the battle royal on Sunday night, it’s not the end of the world. You have family that really, truly cares for you, despite wins and losses. Most importantly, please call Martha this morning. I beg of you to do that. If she truly loves you, at least one of yer problems might be solved.”
Jay:
“I’ll do that. Thanks so much.”
Stacy:
“Yer welcome so much.”
[I make my way out the front door and back to the rental car. I turn back and wave towards my cousin, which gets a return wave. She then fully returns inside. I sigh and open up the door to the car. The next thing I do is take my cousin’s advice and immediately dial the phone number for home. It rings three times, but right before it gets to the fourth ring, I hear Martha’s voice, and Sarah Vixen’s in the background.]
Martha:
“Hi honey. How have you been? Sarah and I have been really worried. I know you probably don’t have much time to talk with it being Taking Hold of the Flame weekend, but can we at least talk for a little while.”
[I gulp before responding, for the first time since asking her out on our first date, being nervous to speak to her.]
Jay:
“Yeah, that’s what I’m calling for. Here, I’ll put you on speaker. I have to head to the airport. My flight leaves at 11. It’s already after 9.”
Martha:
“Ummm, I thought Taking Hold of the Flame was in New Jersey. 9 o’clock puts you in the Central Time Zone Jay. Where are you?”
Jay:
“I have to tell you the truth. All of it. I didn’t want to bother you or Sarah due to all that’s going on, so I went to my cousin Stacy. She, her husband, and I all spoke and well, it was a trip that I needed to take.”
Martha:
“You know you can talk to me whenever you feel troubled honey.”
Jay:
“It runs deeper than that Martha. Hopefully I won’t get too upset while driving, but this needs to come out.”
[On her end of the phone I can hear her asking our daughter for privacy. Before Sarah can no longer be heard, I hear her voice one time.]
Sarah Vixen:
“I love you daddy! Please take care of yourself and come home after this weekend, even if only for a little while! I need you and so does mom!”
Jay:
“I know, and I will try my best to be there. Take care of yourself too.”
[I hear a door close, meaning now it’s just me and my wife, on the phone, alone.]
Martha:
“Okay, I’m alone. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
Jay:
“I’ve been having reoccurring nightmares. About Danielle.”
Martha:
“Oh.”
[That’s all she can say, a disappointed-sounding “Oh”. She has undoubtedly not forgotten about what happened all those years ago, when I confided in Danielle, when Martha herself distanced herself from me. Danielle was an amazing girl as well, but I chose to marry Martha because I truly loved her, for everything she was and is.]
Martha:
“Sooo, what happens in these dreams?”
[I heavily sigh, but know that it’s no use to continue holding it back from her. She will say what she will say.]
Jay:
“In the dream she runs at me and throws herself at me. She then desperate clings on to me and kisses me, not letting me go. I do fight her off Martha, but when I do and she ends up on the ground, she instantly… dies. I don’t know what to make of it.”
[She is silent, for far too long. In fact I am almost to the airport as I can see DFW in the distance.]
Jay:
“Please say something Martha. Anything.”
Martha:
“I don’t know what to make of it either. I do remember that time when you and I weren’t speaking with one another and you went to her, just looking for a friend. I always have understood that. But I’m wondering, why now? Especially when I know you have so many other things going on. Maybe Sarah and I were wrong. Maybe we shouldn’t have forced you to go back.”
Jay:
“It’s not your fault or Sarah’s. I guess it just comes with the territory of returning to a world that I was in over ten years ago. So much has changed though, so much.”
Martha:
“I know. Listen, if you don’t want to continue in SCW and you want to permanently retire, I won’t be disappointed in you. I love you, and I’m sure Sarah wouldn’t be disappointed either.”
Jay:
“I’m not so sure about that. I saw the look in her eyes when I left Martha. She was excited about watching her father wrestle live in front of the whole world. I can’t take that away from her, not now, not ever. Tomorrow night I will have to push everything aside and do one thing that Craig and Stacy taught me to do.”
Martha:
“Focus?”
Jay:
“Yes. But don’t worry, I’ll be thinking of the two of you as I compete out there. The two of you ladies are what drives me to want to be successful. As I look around the SCW landscape right now, there aren’t many spouses or children who are supportive, but I know you two are VERY supportive. Look, after tomorrow night, I will be coming home. I need the time with the two of you, a lot of it.”
Martha:
“And we are very okay with that Jay. Just please stay safe. I know I always harp on that, but we both love you and need you in our lives. On top of that, good luck. Don’t worry if you don’t end up in the main event of Rise to Greatness. That is not the most important thing in the world. The most important thing in the world is that we are both already so proud of you. Now it is really all about you being proud of yourself. Push all the bad things aside tomorrow night and deal with them later.”
Jay:
“But… but Stacy said I shouldn’t do that. It’s never good to hold everything in. That’s when I become like… well, what I am now. I’m distraught. I’m nervous. I’m… all over the place Martha. I have even gotten in Sasha’s face which is something I don’t do. I don’t like what I have become. It’s better if I have something to say that I just say it!”
Martha:
“You’re right.”
[That’s all she tells me. I focus sharply on driving right now as I have reached the airport. I head for the departure area and get ready to drop the rental car off at the Hertz station.]
Jay:
“Okay, I’m at the airport. I have to get going. Can I call you later maybe?”
Martha:
“Sure. Any time. I love you.”
[She says it with meaning, almost sounding like she is crying herself.]
Jay:
“I love you too. After this weekend is over, I’m all yours.”
Martha:
“Okay, talk to you later. Bye.”
Jay:
“Bye.”
[She hangs up on her end first and I hit the end button on my phone as I park the rental car. I retrieve all my belongings from within it before turning over the keys to the clerk at the Hertz station. I pay the funds that are due with my credit card and then race as quick as I can to the airport terminal. Time is growing short and I still have to get through security. Hopefully I will make the flight. Hopefully I will end up in Newark at Taking Hold of the Flame. And hopefully I will be able to focus on the battle royal when it comes time to do so.]
*******
[And so I missed my flight. Luckily by chance I have a seat for the two o’clock flight. Someone had cancelled and I snapped that ticket up so fast. The person at the counter could see how desperate I was, but he also knew who I was. So in that way hall of fame status does count. For right now I wait to board this later flight, with everything weighing heavily on my mind. Last night and this morning have been nothing but a whirlwind, but that’s all behind me now. I need to focus, and that time starts right now.]
[Seeing that there is still over twenty minutes before boarding begins, I have slipped off into the nearby meditation room. No one else is in here with me, so I lock the door. I sit down cross-legged on the floor by the running brook that is in the room and then close my eyes. I still feel so conflicted, with so much on my mind. Only this time it is about the state of SCW, and of those who I could be up against tomorrow night. I can see all their images right before my eyes. From the dancing bear that I scowl at, to all the girls who are desperate to win the SCW World Championship (or any championship for that matter), to those whom I respect like Selena Frost, to those that I don’t respect at all because they haven’t earned respect, and finally to the outliers like Xander Valentine. I re-open my eyes slowly and look into the brook’s water before I find myself speaking to myself. I allow my right pointer finger hit the record button on my phone, so at least the whole world will be able to hear me in my current state.]
Jay:
“This has always been a weekend unlike any other. I have been a part of it in good times and in bad. This one is unfortunately looking like one of the bad ones, but that does not mean I won’t be trying my best to toss anyone and everyone out of that ring. I know how to survive in a match like this one, as I was second place back in 2004, and was also involved in a tie on top of that, not to mention a few other top 10 finishes. I am no rookie. I am not green, despite having only returned here to SCW almost five months ago. It may look it because I haven’t been getting the success that I have wanted, Martha has wanted, and most importantly what my daughter thought would happen. I do need to realize though that I have been facing some of the best. Aaron Blackbourne is a great part of SCW’s present and will continue to be more than just an asset in SCW’s future. He could very well become the World Champion tomorrow night, despite what Bree Lancaster might think. But that’s for the two of them to settle.”
[I pause and look around the room for a few moments before focusing my attention back on the running brook, knowing time is growing shorter before I have to return to the hallway in order to board my flight.]
Jay:
“I however have much to settle, far more than just the championship that they will be fighting over. So, will I be discussing each and every single one of you that is signed up to be in that ring tomorrow night? No. Each and every single one of you can take care of yourselves. What I need to do is for this one night… focus on me. Now normally I am not selfish like this, but after everything I have been through as of late, everything I have really been through since I started in SCW back in 2003, it is necessary. I’m sure none of you fans out there will blame me. I’m not becoming bad or anything like that. It’s just that for once in my life, I will admit it, I NEED to be desperate. This isn’t me hanging onto my past accomplishments. This is me feeling a way that I have never felt before. I am in shambles. I am a mess. And I want to clean this mess up in the best way I know possible. I want to do it without hurting others, but I can see now that that is a weakness. I was lucky against Selena Frost, as she didn’t want to hurt me either. But a lot of you others, I know you will have no regard for me or for anyone else but yourselves. Thus, that is the mentality I need to have tomorrow night. Tomorrow night the world will see a Jay Gold that I hope none of them hate. I don’t want to be viewed as a monster. Heaven forbid that SCW and the world already have enough of those.”
“But even with those monsters in play, those monsters also have soft spots. Those monsters can be viewed as good. To me, Xander Valentine is not a monster. He’s not even a bad guy. He’s a good guy that many bad things have happened to. Sadly I feel I am now down that same path. So much has happened, especially lately, that I don’t know if I will be able to contain myself. Sasha almost caught my wrath. She was lucky that Kelsai and Amy were there. Tomorrow night though, it won’t matter who tries to hold me back. If any of you piss me off, and I mean ANY OF YOU, no one will be able to hold me back from acting on my own accord! If it even happens once, I just know that I am going to lose control, as unstable as I have been.”
“Just know this, whether you’re a brat, or you’re someone I respect, I am not going to stop until I’ve done all that I can to not just survive this battle royal, but also win it. I have been so close a few times now and even though all those times were years upon years ago, it doesn’t mean that I can’t get to the end again. I know I have much still to learn, and much still to offer to our business, but first I need to take care of myself before I can help those of you who deserve to see the top like I have.”
“I truly do want SCW to see its Golden Years, but right now, that seems to depend on me. I feel like we are all in the Dark Ages, especially myself now. Things need to change. Even if I have to go all the way to the edge and back, it needs to happen. Thus tomorrow night, when it comes time, I will have to live in the moment. I will have to push all of the past behind and focus on the here and now.”
“So what does all of that mean for the rest of you? Time will tell. But hear me out, I don’t even know what I will be capable of. I don’t know if I will be able to take hold of the flame, or if I might just snuff out the flame of some of you that I truly care about. No matter what happens, all I ask is for forgiveness. If anything bad happens, just know that I am not myself. I am not Jay Gold. I am a desperate man that is looking to get his life fully into order. Because right now my mind is racing, several miles per minute. I don’t know where to go, where to turn, or what to do. Tomorrow night, what happens… happens.”
[I lower my head for a minute and then carefully get up off the ground. I leave the meditation room and head to the boarding area, with this being the last time I will be on the ground prior to being in Newark, prior to being in the city where flames will be burned out, possibly forever. What will happen? I have no idea. I just hope after tomorrow night that I can get my life back in order. In the end that truly does matter, especially when it comes to everyone that I care about, and everyone that cares about me.]