10-03-2021, 05:08 AM
As is tradition, Apocalypse lived up to its chilling name.
In an e-business where brutality breeds success, we're used to reading some heinous acts of violence, but this most recent event in SCW really stood out for its murderous intent!
Here is the list of attempted murders on the pay-per-view.
NUMBERS ONE AND TWO:
With a match up like Marie Caedes versus Derek Adonis, you'd assume that the attempted murder here would be Adonis just straight up sitting on Marie. However, the actual attempted murder here is when Marie somehow flipped Adonis over herself.
Marie steps up and calls for a lock up. Derek just stares at her a few seconds, then leans in. Marie grabs at him but Derek shoves her off. Marie takes a step back, but goes back in. This time she grabs him. Derek switches, grabbing her from behind and applies a full nelson hold. Marie struggles a bit, before shifting her weight forward and, somehow, flipping Derek over onto his back!
The attempted murders here:
Marie trying to murder her back.
Marie launching Derek Adonis on the mat.
While Marie should be held responsible for it, I'll let her get away with the small earthquake caused in the greater Denver area due to the reversal.
NUMBERS THREE, FOUR, AND FIVE:
Just the entire Tsunami match. What kind of board of directors do we have, booking three competitors that don't even break 200 pounds against Tsunami after the (actual, not attempted) murder of Gigi Steward not too long ago?
Thankfully, Spencer Pryce, Katie Steward, and PURITY FUCKING PIXIE seemed to escape with their lives while Tsunami picks up a triple attempted murder charge to go along with his murder of Gigi Steward.
NUMBERS SIX AND SEVEN:
A flaming tables match seems to suggest a lot of opporunity for death, but this was rather tame, all things considered. That being said, after Ace Marshall slammed Shilo Valiant into one and a half flaming tables (one was lit, but died out quickly), he immediately became a suspect of attempted murder.
Should the first table not count? Maybe in an official court of law, but not in my mind. Should Katsumi Yashidi be considered an accomplice in the acts, what with her fire fixation? Probably, but she's so damn adorable, we just let her get away with it. Add two to the board.
Okay, so we're about halfway into the show and there's almost double digit attempted murders. Luckily, this is a pay-per-view event, which means there are no rules, so we're allowed to freely say the F word and try to kill each other.
But what follows is maybe too much.
NUMBERS...A LOT:
All right. Deep breath.
This is backstage, keep in mind. A human's head was being bashed into concrete repeatedly. One for Nicole!
Okay, so a punch to the throat can be mostly harmless, but there's no specifics here. Knowing Nicole, she probably aimed directly for the trachea. If Kim were not a woman of questionable will and resolve, this could have resulted in her trachea swelling up, leading to her choking to death as well as Nicole spending a good few years in prison. That's two for Nicole. Stop aiming for the throat, people.
Listen, Britt's using her strength to her advantage here, but just straight up throwing people is horribly unsafe. If Kim would have landed on her swollen trachea, this could have easily been fatal. Britt catches up with her second attempted murder charge.
Not too bad when you consider what's still to come, but people don't realize how dangerous beds of barbed wire are. Imagine if Britt snagged her wrist on that thing! Jordan enters the race with her first attempted murder.
Jordan may have been the one to set up the chairs, but Nicole was the one who almost paralyzed the poor girl. Nicole picks up her third charge.
We later see Jordan has some cuts on her arms, which only proves my earlier point that these barbed wire boards are too close to live veins. Add a third charge to Britt and Kim's first for the assist.
Two-for-one for Miss Majors!
All right, Nicole tried to kill not only two people on this God damn barbed wire bed, but also herself. That's got to count for three.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Add another for Britt. You know what? Add two. She could've easily taken a shard up the ass, which if it wasn't fatal, she probably would've wished it was.
THE WOMAN STABBED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD WITH A SHARD OF GLASS! I'M SORRY, WHAT?! ADD TWO!
Kim got her hands up to soften the blow, but with the contact and the intent from Jordan here, she gets herself a fourth charge.
Merficully, this match is over with Jordan's fifth attempted murder of the night. Honestly, there was even more that could have easily passed as attempted murder, but given that these ladies were out here bulk buying, I showed some leniency.
All told, there were EIGHTEEN (18) ATTEMPTED MURDERS in this Underground Rules triple threat match.
Nicole leads the pack with eight. Britt trails behind with five, just ahead of Jordan's four, while Kim only racks up one after being used as a ragdoll for the majority of the bout.
NUMBERS (??? I'VE LOST COUNT):
Surely after everything that happened in the triple threat, we need to come down a bit?
Nope. Instead, we start off with someone fully fucking armed on SCW television. Excellent.
THE GOD DAMN SHOVEL BROKE AGAINST THIS MAN'S SPINE! IF HE WEREN'T MADE OF MUSCLE AND WAS WITHOUT THAT GREAT BRITAIN STRENGTH, THIS MATCH WOULD BE OVER, BUT INSTEAD, IT HAS ONLY JUST STARTED!
A rare instance of Minerva discarding old wood, if you catch my meaning. A not so rare instance of her trying to kill a man. Two for Minnie.
Okay, so that could've been just a straight up murder, but Cannon saving Minerva from that with the dodge. Minnie racks up her third charge. Just a reminder, one of these yokels is still holding a fucking firearm.
First of all, slinging pig-shit-infested-mud at someone is absolutely foul and potentially fatal. Germs are dangerous. On top of that, barbed wire makes a return with no regard for human life. Minerva picks up a double charge within a few seconds.
Ah, it does indeed sound very scary, but since we don't see anything here, can we really count it?
The crowd roars as the picture returns properly to show Cannon and Minerva inside a home. In her hand is what looks like a Sickle, Cannon is holding his side which looks like some blood is seeping through his hands.
Oh, okay, I guess we can, because we come back and see that Minerva used a FUCKING SICKLE and tried to rip Cannon's guts out. Minerva picks up number six. I hope Tombstone has a good medical facility.
After getting his ass whooped and nearly KILLED several times, Chris Cannon gains his first murder charge with authority, nearly killing both himself and Minerva in order to pick up the win. Add another for endangering his own life as well.
Post-match, the cameraman and probably the official are kidnapped and are now hostages of Tombstone. Best wishes to them, but I can't quite count that as attempted murder just yet and I have no interest in kidnapping.
Apocalypse finishes with THIRTY-ONE (31) ATTEMPTED MURDERS, which could very well be a world record if Guinness bothered to track such things. Good job, everyone!
On a more mournful note, we'll wrap things up here with the lone actual murder of the event full of attempts:
Simon Lyman becomes SCW's Adnan Virk - not for leaking confidential SCW information to the media, but for lasting less than a handful of shows on commentary. I hope he's looking down at us, proud of the hell we raised at Apocalypse.
Rest easy, king. You've earned it.
In an e-business where brutality breeds success, we're used to reading some heinous acts of violence, but this most recent event in SCW really stood out for its murderous intent!
Here is the list of attempted murders on the pay-per-view.
NUMBERS ONE AND TWO:
MARIE CAEDES VS. DEREK ADONIS
With a match up like Marie Caedes versus Derek Adonis, you'd assume that the attempted murder here would be Adonis just straight up sitting on Marie. However, the actual attempted murder here is when Marie somehow flipped Adonis over herself.
Marie steps up and calls for a lock up. Derek just stares at her a few seconds, then leans in. Marie grabs at him but Derek shoves her off. Marie takes a step back, but goes back in. This time she grabs him. Derek switches, grabbing her from behind and applies a full nelson hold. Marie struggles a bit, before shifting her weight forward and, somehow, flipping Derek over onto his back!
The attempted murders here:
Marie trying to murder her back.
Marie launching Derek Adonis on the mat.
While Marie should be held responsible for it, I'll let her get away with the small earthquake caused in the greater Denver area due to the reversal.
NUMBERS THREE, FOUR, AND FIVE:
SPENCER PRYCE VS. KATIE STEWARD VS. PURITY FUCKING PIXIE VS. TSUNAMI
Just the entire Tsunami match. What kind of board of directors do we have, booking three competitors that don't even break 200 pounds against Tsunami after the (actual, not attempted) murder of Gigi Steward not too long ago?
Thankfully, Spencer Pryce, Katie Steward, and PURITY FUCKING PIXIE seemed to escape with their lives while Tsunami picks up a triple attempted murder charge to go along with his murder of Gigi Steward.
NUMBERS SIX AND SEVEN:
ACE MARSHALL VS. SHILO VALIANT
A flaming tables match seems to suggest a lot of opporunity for death, but this was rather tame, all things considered. That being said, after Ace Marshall slammed Shilo Valiant into one and a half flaming tables (one was lit, but died out quickly), he immediately became a suspect of attempted murder.
Should the first table not count? Maybe in an official court of law, but not in my mind. Should Katsumi Yashidi be considered an accomplice in the acts, what with her fire fixation? Probably, but she's so damn adorable, we just let her get away with it. Add two to the board.
Okay, so we're about halfway into the show and there's almost double digit attempted murders. Luckily, this is a pay-per-view event, which means there are no rules, so we're allowed to freely say the F word and try to kill each other.
But what follows is maybe too much.
NUMBERS...A LOT:
JORDAN MAJORS VS. NICOLE KINNECK VS. BRITTANY LOHAN
All right. Deep breath.
Nicole then runs over and jumps up and tackles Lohan back down. She grabs her by the head and drives it repeatedly into the ground as the crowd roars.
This is backstage, keep in mind. A human's head was being bashed into concrete repeatedly. One for Nicole!
Nicole drives Lohan in again before getting up and spinning around. Kim then turns to her and extends a hand. Nicole looks at her and then just punches her in the throat.
Okay, so a punch to the throat can be mostly harmless, but there's no specifics here. Knowing Nicole, she probably aimed directly for the trachea. If Kim were not a woman of questionable will and resolve, this could have resulted in her trachea swelling up, leading to her choking to death as well as Nicole spending a good few years in prison. That's two for Nicole. Stop aiming for the throat, people.
Lohan then grabs Nicole and hoists her up into a military press. The crowd roars as Lohan then turns and throws Nicole into the interview set backdrop, causing it to fall back and Nicole to land hard, the set collapsing around her. The crowd ohs.
Granted, an interview set isn't typically very dangerous, but it's the intent here. Anything from that set could have fallen onto Nicole and killed her instantly. Chalk one up for Britt.
Kim then turns to Lohan who suddenly lifts her up and then turns just throwing her off the rampway and to the floor. The crowd ohs and looks on as Kim hits the concrete and rolls through in pain. Lohan then looks at her before turning and grabbing Jordan and dragging her up to her feet. Lohan then looks at her.
Listen, Britt's using her strength to her advantage here, but just straight up throwing people is horribly unsafe. If Kim would have landed on her swollen trachea, this could have easily been fatal. Britt catches up with her second attempted murder charge.
The crowd ohs as Brittany arches her back and falls to the ground in pain. She starts to get up and Jordan runs across the ring and then runs at Brittany before managing to spear her back into the barbed wire board. The crowd erupts in cheers.
Not too bad when you consider what's still to come, but people don't realize how dangerous beds of barbed wire are. Imagine if Britt snagged her wrist on that thing! Jordan enters the race with her first attempted murder.
Jordan then walks around the ring and then unfolds one chair before grabbing the other chair and unfolding it, placing it right next to the other, the seated together. Nicole staggers back and turns and grabs Nicole, but Nicole jumps up and just starts to bite her forehead. Jordan pulls away. Nicole then stumbles forward and nails Jordan in the ribs. Nicole then spears Jordan back into the corner before Jordan grabs her and tries to take her down. Nicole however rolls through and they fight, separating. Both get up and Nicole kicks Jordan in the knee. Nicole then runs at her and spears her back into the chairs, the awkward landing, causing Jordan to grimace in pain. Nicole rolls over.
Jordan may have been the one to set up the chairs, but Nicole was the one who almost paralyzed the poor girl. Nicole picks up her third charge.
Turning to the corner, Lohan grabs the barbed wire board Jordan drove into her and throws it down on Jordan. The crowd ohs. Lohan then looks at her before turning and climbing up to the middle rope and then to the top, but we then see Kimberly Williams, wincing, a bruise having formed on her lower back, rolling into the ring. She runs over and jumps up and stomps the barbed wire board on Jordan for good measure.
We later see Jordan has some cuts on her arms, which only proves my earlier point that these barbed wire boards are too close to live veins. Add a third charge to Britt and Kim's first for the assist.
Jordan then goes over and falls into the ropes before running forward and pushing both and they fall over the top rope and into the barbed wire board on the floor below. The crowd ohs as Lohan and Williams wince from the impact.
Two-for-one for Miss Majors!
Nicole, presumably now as Ducky runs across the ring, bounces off and Jordan obliges, allowing her to “go” by back dropping her up and over and Nicole commits, landing on both Kim and Brittany with a senton before ending up in the barbed wire herself.
All right, Nicole tried to kill not only two people on this God damn barbed wire bed, but also herself. That's got to count for three.
Nicole then looks around and goes over to the ring. She then reaches under as the crowd erupts as Nicole pulls out a glass table.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Jordan leans forward. She then looks around before getting up but we see Brittany Lohan step through the ropes, muscling Jordan down and just hoisting her up and turning and hitting a sitout powerbomb through the glass table. The crowd erupts and ohs. A “Holy Shit!” chant breaks out.
Add another for Britt. You know what? Add two. She could've easily taken a shard up the ass, which if it wasn't fatal, she probably would've wished it was.
She moves for the pin, but just then, Nicole comes over, grabbing one of the shards of glass and driving it into the forehead of Brittany, carving her up. The crowd erupts.
Nicole rolls in. She then takes her shard of glass, which is also cutting her hand and drives it into the forehead of Brittany again.
THE WOMAN STABBED SOMEONE IN THE HEAD WITH A SHARD OF GLASS! I'M SORRY, WHAT?! ADD TWO!
Kim walks over and grabs Majors and Majors suddenly pulls out her item of choice, her barbed wire and stiletto adorned baseball mat. She swings and catches Kim in the face. Kim gets her hands up, breaking one of the stilettos off.
Kim got her hands up to soften the blow, but with the contact and the intent from Jordan here, she gets herself a fourth charge.
Majors then takes Brittany who is bent over, looking at Majors with disdain and Majors places the barbed wire bat under her chin before jumping up and using it for an assisted Cash Out. The crowd ohs. Majors rolls Brittany over and hooks the leg.
1!
2!
3!
Merficully, this match is over with Jordan's fifth attempted murder of the night. Honestly, there was even more that could have easily passed as attempted murder, but given that these ladies were out here bulk buying, I showed some leniency.
All told, there were EIGHTEEN (18) ATTEMPTED MURDERS in this Underground Rules triple threat match.
Nicole leads the pack with eight. Britt trails behind with five, just ahead of Jordan's four, while Kim only racks up one after being used as a ragdoll for the majority of the bout.
NUMBERS (??? I'VE LOST COUNT):
CHRIS CANNON VS. MINERVA
Surely after everything that happened in the triple threat, we need to come down a bit?
Eli Goddard removes a handgun from his back and smirks as the crowd buzzes.
Nope. Instead, we start off with someone fully fucking armed on SCW television. Excellent.
She looks over to her brother Sawyer who throws a shovel over to her which she catches, before spinning it around and snapping it across the back of Cannon as he drops to a knee.
THE GOD DAMN SHOVEL BROKE AGAINST THIS MAN'S SPINE! IF HE WEREN'T MADE OF MUSCLE AND WAS WITHOUT THAT GREAT BRITAIN STRENGTH, THIS MATCH WOULD BE OVER, BUT INSTEAD, IT HAS ONLY JUST STARTED!
The crowd oohs while those locally cheer for Minerva, with the broken piece of wood from the shovel she steps behind Cannon and places it in front of his throat and begins to try and choke him with it. There are boo’s in the arena which fall on deaf ears in Tombstone. Minerva laughs as she wrenches back on Cannon, however he manages to stand and throw her up and over his shoulder to the ground causing her to let go of the wood.
A rare instance of Minerva discarding old wood, if you catch my meaning. A not so rare instance of her trying to kill a man. Two for Minnie.
Minerva watches as Cannon gets up and backs into a carcass behind him and takes a breath. Minerva won’t let him and grabs a hook from a countertop and swings it at Chris Cannon. There are screams from the crowd in the arena but Cannon ducks and Minerva drives the hook into the meat which seems to get stuck.
Okay, so that could've been just a straight up murder, but Cannon saving Minerva from that with the dodge. Minnie racks up her third charge. Just a reminder, one of these yokels is still holding a fucking firearm.
The camera follows the pair as Minerva rolls in the mud and gets to her feet. Some pigs squeal before running away, Cannon approaches Minerva and reaches down to pick her up but in doing so leaves himself open where she slaps mud into his face stunning him. Cannon holds his face while backing up and Minerva runs and hits a drop kick on Cannon knocking back into a fence that is littered in Razor wire.
First of all, slinging pig-shit-infested-mud at someone is absolutely foul and potentially fatal. Germs are dangerous. On top of that, barbed wire makes a return with no regard for human life. Minerva picks up a double charge within a few seconds.
The crowd buzzes with excitement and a lot of them scream as we see Minerva holding something in her hands as she appears behind Cannon, she looks about ready to do something horrific but then the feed goes to static, as we see the signal lost appears on the tron.
Ah, it does indeed sound very scary, but since we don't see anything here, can we really count it?
The crowd roars as the picture returns properly to show Cannon and Minerva inside a home. In her hand is what looks like a Sickle, Cannon is holding his side which looks like some blood is seeping through his hands.
Oh, okay, I guess we can, because we come back and see that Minerva used a FUCKING SICKLE and tried to rip Cannon's guts out. Minerva picks up number six. I hope Tombstone has a good medical facility.
Minerva looks down with concern as she tries to pull her leg out from the hole in the wooden floor. The Crowd buzzes now however as the camera notices Cannon back to his feet and staring at Minerva. She looks at the floor and then at Cannon who begins running at her without remorse in his eyes. The moment he reaches her Cannon connects with a vicious C4 putting all his weight behind it, both Minerva and Chris hit the floor and when they do, it gives way and both crash through it.
After getting his ass whooped and nearly KILLED several times, Chris Cannon gains his first murder charge with authority, nearly killing both himself and Minerva in order to pick up the win. Add another for endangering his own life as well.
Post-match, the cameraman and probably the official are kidnapped and are now hostages of Tombstone. Best wishes to them, but I can't quite count that as attempted murder just yet and I have no interest in kidnapping.
FINAL LEADERBOARD:
Nicole Kinneck: 8
Minerva: 6
Brittany Lohan: 5
Jordan Majors: 4
Tsunami: 3
Marie Caedes: 2
Chris Cannon: 2
Kimberly Williams: 1
Apocalypse finishes with THIRTY-ONE (31) ATTEMPTED MURDERS, which could very well be a world record if Guinness bothered to track such things. Good job, everyone!
On a more mournful note, we'll wrap things up here with the lone actual murder of the event full of attempts:
Simon Lyman becomes SCW's Adnan Virk - not for leaking confidential SCW information to the media, but for lasting less than a handful of shows on commentary. I hope he's looking down at us, proud of the hell we raised at Apocalypse.
Rest easy, king. You've earned it.
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