SCW Taking Hold of the Flame Battle Royal

[Braddock]

1 of 2 for Religious Wright? Maybe?
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We open inside of The Grand Auditorium of the LAWD Dedicated by his righteousness Reverend Most Holy Archbishop John Wright. We see a stage (but we can barely make it out due to the disco ball like atmosphere and the flashy multi-colored lights going off all over the damn place. Brother Douglas is on stage playing his guitar.

“FUCK YEAH! JESUS! FUCK YEAH! THE LAWD IS GONNA LEAD OUR PASTOR TO VICTORY! FUCK YEAH! TAKING HOLD OF THE LAWD! FUCK YEAH! WE GONNA WIN THIS SHIT! FUCK YEAH! WIN IT FOR THE LAWD! FUCK YEAH!”

And then we see a figure in a dark hooded cloak dancing down the aisle. It happens to be none other than Religious Wright.

“FUCK YEAH! SATANIC CAULIFLOWER WRESTLING GONNA PAY! FUCK YEAH! SINFUL BASTARDS! FUCK YEAH! JESUS! FUCK YEAH! GONNA WIN THE BATTLE ROYAL! FUCK YEAH! GOING TO RISE TO GREATNESS! FUCK YEAH!

Religious Wright stops in front of the stage and does a quick Macarena. Why? He’s insane, so why the hell not? The nutty pastor then leaps onto the stage and heads towards the pulpit. He holds up his hand to silence Brother Dogulas.

“Be silenced my brotha! Be silenced!”

“I’LL BE SILENCED! FUCK YEAH! GONNA SHUT UP SO PASTOR WRIGHT CAN PREACH! FUCK YEAH! JESUS! FUCK YEAH!”

Wright turns and glares angrily at Brother Douglas. “I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP YA FILTHY ANIMAL!” And with that, Brother Douglas immediately stops playing. Religious Wright then turns to face the audience.

“Behold my brothas and my sistas! Behold I preach the truth to you about the future! The future as predicted to be in THA WORD OF THA LAWD!” Religious Wright pounds his fists on the pulpit. “In tha end times…there shall be ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FOUR THOUSAND…”

“One hundred forty four thousand prophets?” Brother Douglas asks. “One hundred forty four thousand believers?”

“No!” Religious Wright shakes his head vehemently. “ONE HUNDRED FORTY FOUR THOUSAND HEATHENISTIC VIOLENT BARBARIANS WHO REFUSE TO LISTEN TO THE WORD OF THE LAWD! THE WORD BROUGHT TO US BY BROTHER JAMES EVANS!”

“Oh…” Brother Douglas says, sounding rather disappointed “...I thought SCW was having a roster shortage, but one hundred and forty four thousand wrestlers? That’s quite a roster!”

“And I, the PROPHET OF THE LAWD, will have to eliminate all of them in the ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FOUR THOUSAND person Taking Hold of the LAWD Battle Royal!”

“I’m pretty sure it’s just a 40 person battle royal.”

“Silence, Brother Douglas!” Wright exclaims. “But there will be TWO witnesses to stand against them! Revelation chapter eleven verses one through twelve speaks of the coming of SISTA DATURA AND BROTHA JAMES EVANS to stand against the violence of SATANIC CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING! This battle shall take place on the battle field of Megido…”

“Wait, Megiddo is in Milwaukee?” Brother Douglas asks.

“Of course it is! The war shall be fought on the battle field of Megiddo for three and a half years…”

“That sounds like it’ll be quite the battle royal.” Brother Douglas says. “I’m gonna get me and my sister tickets!”

“While this war for the flame is ongoing, the BEAST SHALL EMERGE FROM THE SEA! Revelation chapter thirteen verses one through eight names this beast, this Anti-James, as AMELIA BLYTHE!” He declares loudly. “The Great Whore of Bablyon, predicted in Revelation chapter seventeen, is Light in the Darkness and it must be put to an end for the glory of JAMES EVANS!” He shakes his head. “But they will fail! FOR COMING IN GLORY SHALL BE OUR REDEEMER! BROTHA JAMES EVANS SHALL RETURN TO LEAD US TO THE GLORY OF THE LAWD!”

Religious Wright hops down off of the stage. He approaches a woman standing nearby. “Sister Bernice…is everything ready?”

“Yes, sir. I have arranged for you and Brother Douglas’s sister to have a secret sexy getaway on the church yacht paid for by offeratory money meant to go towards James Evans’s recovery efforts.”

“Good…” he shakes his head “...I mean, no! That was supposed to be a secret! What about the OTHER thing?”

“Oh, you mean tonight where you and I will meet under the cover of darkness to engage in a wild affair beneath my husband’s notice?”

“Yes…I mean NO!” He shakes his head again. “The OTHER OTHER THING!”

“Oh that…” she nods her head “...yes, all hymnals will be replaced by next week. All twenty eight versions of ‘Jesus Fuck Yeah’ will be included as well as forty new songs dedicated to James Evans. Also the stained glass window of James Evans will be installed tomorrow.”

“Stained glass window?” He rolls his eyes. “Too Catholic. I want a giant James Evans Monster Truck in the center of the church auditorium!” He points at the woman. “Make it happen!”

“Yes, sir!” She pauses. “Uh, how will we pay for a monster truck?”

“Use the money we collected to help wildlife preservation. Not like they need it, am I right?” He smirks.