Damian Marshall vs. Religious Wright

[Konrad Raab]

2 RP Limit for singles

3500 word max per RP

Deadline: 11:59:59 pm ET THURSDAY, May 18, 2023

[Braddock]

We open just outside of a biker bar in Mt. Judea, Arkansas. Several people are gathered outside while loud guitar riffs of an annoyingly loud and barely comprehensible rock music is blaring over loud speakers; an electric guitar is being played by a morbidly obese man in overalls and a plaid shirt. His name is Brother Doug.

Brother Doug: JESUS! FUCK YEAH! SAVE THE PLANET! FUCK YEAH! EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE! HELL YEAH! JESUS! HELL YEAH!

“Language! Language! Language!”

Brother Douglas stops playing as Religious Wright enters the scene. Wright is wearing denim jeans sandals and a “James Evans” t-shirt. A pink thong is on his head. He walks up to Brother Doug and points an accusatory finger in his face.

Religious Wright: What did I tell you about swearing, Brother Doug?

Brother Doug: Uh, Reverend…

He points to the thong.

Brother Doug: ..why is the church secretary’s underwear on your head?

Religious Wright: Huh?

He takes the underwear off his head and stare at them. His face grows pale.

Religious Wright: How did you know that they were the church secretary’s underwear?

Brother Doug: The church secretary is my sister. Remember?

Religious Wright scowls before throwing the thong in Brother Doug’s face.

Religious Wright: SILENCE, BROTHER DOUG! SPEAK ONLY WHEN SPOKEN TO!

Wright then begins to march up and down the row of people, all of whom have gathered around thanks to the music played by Brother Doug. He looks them up and down. He scowls in disgust at the mass of humanity gathered before him.

Religious Wright: Are these BROTHAS AND SISTAS here for my MISSIONARY WORK, Brother Doug?

Brother Doug: Yes, Reverend.

Religious Wright: Excellent!

He raises his hands high into the air.

Religious Wright: BROTHAS AND SISTAS! The planet is a gift from the LAWD! The LAWD created it and commanded that human beings, CREATED IN HIS ALMIGHTY IMAGE, must cultivate it and reproduce it!

Brother Doug: But you told me that reproducing with a sheep was wrong…

Wright ignores him.

Religious Wright: But humanity has destroyed the LAWD’S CREATION!

He reaches into his pocket and produces a bunch of pictures. One is a picture of a T-Rex. He tosses that one away and shows a picture of a Triceratops. Then he throws that away and shows a picture of a brontosaurus.

Religious Wright: These creatures, CREATURES OF THE LAWD, are near extinction thanks to man’s hazardous treatment of THE LAWD’s environment!

Brother Doug: Actually, they went extinct about 65 million years ago.

Religious Wright: SPEAK ONLY WHEN SPOKEN TO! Go call your sister, tell her I’ll be right back…

Brother Doug nods and walks off. Wright then produces a picture of James Evans.

Religious Wright: This beautiful creature of THE LAWD has been brought to near extinction thanks to demonic demons of hell itself! Amelia and Luz! DARKNESS IN THE DARK! But they shall pay! Oooooooooh yes they shall pay! They suffer the wrath of tha LAWD and they will witness first hand what The LAWD is capable of when yours truly, THE SERVANT OF THE LAWD Religious Wright, strikes down the heathen known as Damian Marshal!

He points at the crowd.

Religious Wright: But I cannot do this good work of the LAWD without your help! You can help by giving me all of your cash…which is, of course, going to go to the mission of spreading the good word of THE LAWD! PRESERVING THE CREATURES NEAR EXTINCTION! AND SAVING BROTHA JAMES EVANS from The Demon Spawn in the Darkness!

He turns to Brother Doug.

Religious Wright: Brother Doug! Play me home!

Wright begins to walk through the crowd with an open bag. Many of these people put their cash into the bag. Meanwhile Brother Doug starts playing.

Brother Doug: JESUS! FUCK YEAH! SAVING THE DINOSAURS! FUCK YEAH! KICKING AMELIA’S ASS! FUCK YEAH! RESCUING JAMES EVANS! FUCK YEAH! JESUS! FUCK YEAH!

[Damian Marshall]

The journey begins