LEGEND
BLUE indicates items not recorded for public consumption
RED indicates items recorded for public consumption
ORANGE indicates dialogue
RED and GREEN indicate a Christmas Special commercial
ONE WEEK AGO…
The police had been working hard looking into the character and financial dealings of one Derek Robert Oliver Yanni George Brand Victor Walker-Marchetti, known the world over as Derek Adonis, the Supreme Championship Wrestling Champion of Television. Since meeting with Adonis pertaining to an ongoing investigation into an alleged money laundering ring surrounding his former manservant Jeff-rey, their suspicions were piqued by the seemingly-overt lengths that the self-proclaimed Lady’s Man’s Man went in order to protect himself and his assets. Constant in-house video surveillance, coupled with pre-emptive privacy waivers signed before anyone enters his living quarters seemed to be extraordinary lengths to protect oneself, but coupled with Derek’s apparent ignorance pertaining to various subjects – he asked if “money laundering” had anything to do with doing the laundry – well, any officer with a keen ear would be suspicious by that.
The two officers – Smith and Wesson – were busy pouring over any data they could find available, but were growing frustrated in their search.
Wesson: “I can’t fucking believe it.”
He slammed down a manila file that he had been reading through, shaking his head.
Wesson: “The guy’s forty-one years old, has something of a fucking empire that he’s funded by himself, and everything is clean. There’re no back trails. There’re no Cayman Island accounts. There’s nothing to even remotely suggest that he’s been involved in any illegal activity. There’s just…”
McDonald shakes his head again, trying to comprehend the magnitude of everything he had just pieced together.
Smith: “There isn’t a puzzle to put together her. It’s baffling, I agree.”
Wesson: “How could someone who is that overbearing, that overreaching in his due diligence, be on the level? That’s some master criminal stuff going on there.”
Smith: “Well, maybe there’s something else.”
Wesson: “What do you mean?”
Smith places his file on the table between them, leaning forward to prop his arms on the table as he puts everything together.
Smith: “Well, let’s say that everything with Derek Walker-Marchetti is on the level, and he isn’t some criminal mastermind.”
Wesson: “Okay, yeah…”
Smith: “Who would have more to gain by being able to set up a system that is effectively impenetrable? Who benefits most from keeping his employer out of legal trouble?”
Wesson’s eyes widen, as he understands exactly where Smith is going with his theory.
Wesson: “Motherfucking Jeff-rey!”
Smith: “That’s right. So, what we need to do is get a warrant, go back to Mr. Walker-Marchetti’s home, and assess absolutely everything about that security system… where it came from, how it’s funded, and if there’s anyone else monitoring it. We do this and we may be able to crack into a back channel to find out exactly who masterminded this entire laundering ring.”
Wesson nods, licking his lips before another thought crosses his mind…
Wesson: “Do you find it weird that local police are somehow being held responsible for the investigation of an international money laundering ring? I mean, shouldn’t this be the jurisdiction of the FBI or Interpol or something like that?”
Smith: “I don’t question jurisdictions. I find bad guys.”
Smith puts some sunglasses on, oblivious to the fact that they’re still indoors, as you hear the beginning “YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” from CSI Miami. The scene shifts…
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We are greeted now by the KABLAM News Network Logo, with a BREAKING NEWS UPDATE! Of course, this news isn’t breaking… but the tape is old. Still, we are blessed by the ample display from KNN anchor – recently voted the most-trusted news anchor for a 24-hour news outlet – Chesty LaRue. Today, Chesty’s blouse is buttoned up properly, albeit with a few buttons up top left undone either due to the appeal of the network or due to a general inability to bring both sides of the blouse comfortably together. Still, with her beaming smile and her glowing… er… demeanor, Chesty opens the scene.
Chesty: “Hello, and welcome to the KABLAM! News Network! I am your host, Chesty LaRue coming to you LIVE from the KNN studios here in the basement of the KABLAM Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada! We are coming to you live with BREAKING NEWS as moments ago, the world watching SCW Breakdown witnessed our man, the main man, Man-Mountain Derek Adonis successfully retain his Championship of Television over Max Kane after hitting an unprecedented TWO KABLAM!’s. We will have Derek joining us live momentarily, but let’s just take a moment to appreciate what we witnessed…
The inset of the screen shows the closing moments of the match from Breakdown…
Kane rushes to the corner and hits a rolling cannonball on Adonis. Moving to the corner, he lifts Adonis to the top rope and climbs through the ropes. He takes up a perch behind Adonis, jumping around and looking for the Magical Mystery Tour, but Adonis holds onto the top rope. Kane flips back and lands on his feet. As Adonis slips from the top turnbuckle, slumping in the corner, Kane rushes in for a crossbody, but Adonis moves out of the way! Kane crashes into the corner at full speed, and Adonis runs across the ring, rebounding off and charging at Kane in the corner, colliding full force with KABLAM! Kane slumps forward but holds onto the top rope, keeping himself on his feet. Derek sees this and runs back with a second KABLAM! Kane falls forward to the ring and Derek quickly covers!
ONE…
TWO…
THREE…!!!
We return to the studio, where Chesty fans herself with her script, clearly somewhat aroused by what she had witnessed.
Chesty: “Wow… what a man! What a match! And I’m told we have the man LIVE now via satellite from Washington, DC! Mr. Adonis, are you there?”
The screen splits between Chesty in Vegas and Derek Adonis, still clad in his Uncle Sam attire, with the Television Championship belt resting on his shoulder. Derek is panting, likely still winded from the match, and has sweat cascading down his forehead as he looks to the camera. Still, through his exhaustion, he manages to smile.
Adonis: “Hello, Chesty. Can I just say how absolutely fantastic you look tonight?”
Chesty giggles at the compliment, and it’s clear that she is crushing hard on Man Mountain.
Chesty: “You may!”
Adonis: “Well you do, and you are a great hire to be the face of the KABLAM News Network! There was no one else during the auditions who caught my eye like you did. You are going to be a big star, Chesty. HUGE!”
Chesty starts to blush.
Chesty: “You certainly know how to flatter a girl, Mr. Adonis. We just shared with the KNN audience the closing moments of your match with Max Kane! Can you give us a walkthrough of what you were thinking as you were sitting on the top rope first?”
Derek smiles.
Adonis: “Certainly. As I was sitting on the top rope, I was thinking “Thank God I can sit for a second”. I don’t know how many of my regular viewers know this, but wrestling a match is an exhausting job, and it doesn’t always come with the satisfying conclusion of OTHER physical acts IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”
Chesty blushes again, this time adding a small giggle.
Adonis: “But I knew I had to hold on. Max Kane didn’t want me to hold on, but I did. The next thing I did was slide off the top rope. If I stayed there, Max probably would have tried to hit his Magical Mystery Tour on me again and I might not have been able to hold on a second time. I knew then that I couldn’t let him hit me again at all. So instead of hitting him back when he jumped at me, I moved. Max has a reputation for taking one risk too many, and that was the risk. Then as he was in the corner, I had him right where I wanted him, and…”
Chesty: “KABLAM!”
Derek laughs, still catching his breath.
Adonis: “Yeeeeeees. Then KABLAM!”
Chesty: “So why twice?”
Adonis: “Because Max is a resilient little bugger who didn’t let go of the ropes when I hit him. I hit him with TWO KABLAM!’s because I had to in order to get him to let go. But of course, once I did…!
Derek claps his hand three times, indicating the pinfall that occurred after he hit KABLAM! Twice. Chesty against becomes flush with enjoyment and arousal.
Chesty: “And what a great moment it was for all of us! You have become something of an inspiration, winning the Championship of Television and holding onto it for what will now be over a month!”
Derek smiles, and then flinches about something, but regains his bearings and smiles again, breathing a little heavily.
Adonis: “And if I can keep it up… well, of course I can keep IT up IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! … I mean my…”
Chesty: “No, I’m sure we all get it.”
But Derek, not liking getting interrupted before finishing a filthy thought…
Adonis: “Genitals.”
Chesty giggles again… she was digging what he was laying down for some reason that we’ll probably never be able to fully comprehend.
Adonis: “But if I can keep the belt… if I can retain my title next week, then I will roll into 2019 as Champion of Television… ending 2018 as I began it! A lot of people don’t remember that held the Championship for three weeks last year right during this time of year. I walked into 2018 as Champion of Television, and now I might be able to pull off walking into 2019 as Champion of Television! Can you imagine how that would be reflected in history? I would be seen as more than the KABLAM peddler that others look at me as. Marie Jones… she insulted Man Mountain last week by claiming I was some kind of serial harasser? A Weinstein. First of all, racist. But mainly, untrue! I ensure I go to great lengths to get consent from my partners. I don’t pursue married women. Daddy Don’t Diddle with kids. I am very open and forward. If I’m interested, you know I am… right Chesty?”
Derek winks obnoxiously, which Chesty seems to dig.
Chesty: “Oh, absolutely!”
Adonis: “But I know that people are going to say things about meeeeee… that are untrue. Why? Because I’m successful now. I’m a Champion. KABLAMaerobics is a bona fide success story! Sales are through the ROOF! And this is just 2018. 2019 is going to be even BIGGER and KABLAMMER! No one ever thought I would amount to anything more than a comedy act but here IIIIIIIII… am. Yeah…”
Derek looks down.
Adonis: “Like that.”
Chesty: “After your match, Dante McCaffery and Xander Valentine went after Max Kane but left you alone…”
Adonis looks back up.
Adonis: “Yeah… they have beef with him. Its not my fight, and I’m far too valuable to the KABLAMpire to risk crossing the wrong people. That’s why I got out of dodge… I’m better served by pursuing my own means than letting someone else drag me left or riiiiiiiiiiight…”
Derek appears to be breathing even more heavily.
Chesty: “Mr. Adonis, are you okay?”
Adonis: “Never better, Chesty… never beeeeeeeee… KABLAM!”
After a few seconds passing with his face contorted, Derek begins to breathe more readily, sitting back in his chair as he does.
Adonis: “Never better.”
He gets a strange smile on his face. At this point, the back of a woman’s head raises just high enough to be seen by the camera, moving to the side as she does. Derek watches her move.
Adonis: “You did great.”
Chesty: “Mr. Adonis… who is that?”
Derek wags his finger and taps his nose.
Adonis: “Now, now, Chesty… a gentleman never kisses and tells.”
Chesty: “But that didn’t look like the result of a kiss.”
Truth be told, Chesty’s tone begins to get a little more accusatory as her jealousy begins to raise. But Derek, ever the lady’s man, immediately seeks to diffuse the situation.
Adonis: “Don’t worry, Chesty. While Cookie and Manvel are off celebrating in their own way, I needed a little bit of a stress release.”
She pouts.
Adonis: “But I promise, as soon as I get back to Las Vegas, I’ll stop by the studios and pay you a personal visit.”
This causes the young one-dimensional personality/three-dimensional woman to perk right up.
Chesty: “I’m going to hold you to that!”
Adonis: “I wouldn’t have it any other way! KABLAM!”
The split screen goes away, with a flush Chesty turning back to the camera.
Chesty: “Well, it looks like I have something to look forward to! For KABLAM News Network, I have been Chesty LaRue! Now stay tuned for KABLAMasutra: The Movie: The Table Read!”
With that, she begins to fan herself again as the camera fades away…
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WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS CHRISTMAS? NOTHING? WHAT ABOUT HANNUKAH? KWANZAA? SOLSTICE? FESTIVUS FOR THE RESTIVUS? TUESDAY?
WELL, WHATEVER YOU CELEBRATE THIS TIME OF YEAR IF ANYTHING AT ALL, BE SURE TO CELEBRATE IT WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS. AND, IF YOUR FAMILY IS LAME AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALL BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS, THEN TUNE IN TO THE KABLAM NEWS NETWORK FOR OUR FIRST ANNUAL DEREK ADONIS VERY KABLAM NON-DENOMINATIONAL HOLIDAY SHINDIG!
SOUND TEMPTING? WELL, DON’T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT! LISTEN TO THIS ENDORSEMENT PROVIDED BY THE ONE AND ONLY MR. D OF SUPREME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!
Mr. D: “What are you doing in my office?”
HOW CAN YOU SAY ‘NO’ TO AN ENDORSEMENT LIKE THAT!? AIRING ALL DAY ON THE KABLAM NEWS NETWORK, STARRING DEREK ADONIS, COOKIE DREAMS, MANVEL, CHESTY LARUE, THE SOLID KABLAM DANCERS, AND MORE*!!!
DON’T MISS IT! YOU’LL REGRET IT IF YOU DO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, AND JOYOUS KABLAM TO YOU ALL!!
* “More” may be limited to a stage hand getting caught on camera for a split second.
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Voice: “Mr. Adonis…”
The scene opens up inside of a Denny’s in Cleveland, Ohio. The age-old adage that “Cleveland Rocks” has been something impressed upon Man Mountain, as he has been spending time in the city prior to SCW Breakdown and his Championship of Television defense against Dante McCaffery. And, as he’s toured the city, Adonis has found that the ladies definitely have an eye for him. After all, what eyes wouldn’t be drawn to a man clad in the bright colours that Adonis has made part of his gaudy trademarks? Either way, as Derek is out for his second breakfast of the day (breakfast for dinner is absolutely something that exists and should be celebrated), he finds himself approached by a man in a three-piece suit, not as colourful as Derek’s own, and a woman in a form-fitted gown. To Derek’s chagrin, it’s the man who does the speaking…
Man: “May we?”
With a mouth full of food, Derek doesn’t answer verbally. I mean that would be pretty rude. He does, however, motion to the two available chairs, a convenient set-up considering there are two visitors. They sit on either side of him, and again it’s the man that does the talking.
Man: “My name is Vigo Montgomery, and this here is my daughter, Ariel.”
She smiles slyly, waving with just her fingers. Derek responds in kind.
Montgomery: “Excuse me, waitress?”
Vigo holds a finger up, flagging down Derek’s server. As she approaches, he pulls out a charge card from his own suit jacket.
Montgomery: “Mr. Adonis will not be paying for his own meal today. Please put it on my account.”
The waitress nods her head, taking the card from Vigo as she steps away. He turns back to the table as Derek swallows his mouthful of pancake.
Adonis: “Thank you?”
Montgomery: “Do not mention it, Mr. Adonis. I am sure that my daughter and I have confused you with our presence.”
Derek looks over to Ariel, who smiles.
Adonis: “Little bit, yeah.”
Montgomery: “Well, I can assure you that it is simple. You see, I am a wealthy entrepreneur with a taste for the finer things in life. My daughter, not unlike myself, has a keen eye for money-making opportunities. And that is why we sought you out when we heard you were going to be in Cleveland this week.”
Adonis: “Oh, you’re from Cleveland?”
Vigo laughs.
Montgomery: “What? God, no. My family and I would never reside in a city of such mundanity and squalor, content to live vicariously through a sporting franchise that is celebrated for not losing every week. We specifically sought you out because Ariel has been impressed with you.”
Derek looks over to the young daughter, who winks. Derek winks back.
Adonis: “Has she now?”
Montgomery: “Not by your physical attributes, if that is what you are believing. You are clearly not the physical specimen that one might typically entertain in an industry such as yours. But your business acumen must be recognized and appreciated. You have taken a single word and transformed it into a money-making enterprise and because of that, you have enabled your own transformation.”
Derek nods his head.
Adonis: “That’s KABLAMaerobics!”
Montgomery: “Yes… and how does “KABLAMaerobics” work exactly?”
Adonis: “Well, it makes you more limber for those hard-to-reach positions… it improves cardiovascular health to enable longer sessions… I would be happy to demonstrate with Ariel…”
Ariel appears a bit taken back, but she smiles just the same. Vigo stretches his arm out.
Montgomery: “That will not be necessary at this juncture.”
Derek, a little bit dejected, sits back. He doesn’t notice the disappointment in Ariel’s eyes, as somewhat bewilderingly, he has charmed another young woman. How he does it is something that will never be able to be explained, not in science, not in anything.
Adonis: “Fair enough.”
Montgomery: “What my daughter noticed was that you are an impeccable businessman. The wrestling industry itself… it chews people up and spits them out. I lost a son to the industry myself, so I understand as well as any the kind of struggles that can come associated with it. But it takes a particularly wise man to understand the business for what it is.”
Derek nods, pretending that he understands what Vigo is talking about although in reality he hadn’t the foggiest idea.
Adonis: “Yeah.”
Montgomery: “A business.”
Vigo laughs and, since he doesn’t want to be left out, Derek also laughs.
Montgomery: “When you think about the industry, that’s all it is. It’s no different than auto manufacturing or insurance sales. It is a means to an end and that end is making money. You understand it which is why you have been so successful at using your stage to promote your other business ventures, the real money-makers.”
Adonis: “Uh, yeah! That’s what I did alright!”
Derek didn’t really comprehend what Vigo was talking about. For him, the business side came from others. Derek was more of an ideas kind of guy. But hey, he liked the idea that this stuffy businessman was complimenting him, and his daughter was smoking hot and seemed interested enough.
Adonis: “So why are you here again?”
Montgomery: “How foolish of me… I never relayed the purpose of our visit.”
Adonis: “No you did not.”
Montgomery: “My daughter and I are interested in investing with your… commercial endeavors.”
Derek’s eyes widen.
Montgomery: “You would, of course, retain ownership and creative control, but we would become stakeholders. The more profits you attain, the more money we all get. You would no longer be liable for 100% of the risk.”
Adonis: “There’s no risk in KABLAM, sir. Until you get to the later chapters of the KABLAMasutra… those can be kind of tricky if you’re not limber enough.”
Vigo laughs rather dryly.
Montgomery: “Yes. Of course. I should also mention to you that, with this investment, we would be able to put your products in front of more eyes. I have prepared a proposal for you…”
Vigo pulls out a large envelope filled with material, sliding it across the table to Adonis. He pulls the envelope up, looking on the inside.
Adonis: “This looks like a lot of reading.”
Montgomery: “By all means, take your time Mr. Adonis. I wouldn’t want to rush you. But in the meantime, is there anything we can do to make your visit here more hospitable?”
Derek looks to Vigo, then looks over to Ariel, who he spots biting her lower lip.
Adonis: “Dinner?”
Montgomery: “We would lo-…”
Adonis: “No, not all three of us. Me and her.”
Montgomery is slightly taken back by this request, but Ariel smiles.
Montgomery: “That’s not exactly usual…”
Ariel: “I’d love you.”
She looks over to her father, giving him a knowing nod. The pair rise to their feet.
Montgomery: “My daughter is a woman of her own mind. I shall send her with our limo to get you at your hotel at 7. Be ready.”
Adonis: “I always am.”
Montgomery: “Yes… very good, then.”
The father and daughter walk away from the table, leaving Derek and their sales material. Once out of earshot, Vigo takes his daughter by the arm.
Montgomery: “What are you thinking?”
Ariel: “What? He’s cute… kind of like a teddy bear. Looking at him, he’s probably very attentive too.”
Vigo nearly chokes on his own saliva.
Montgomery: “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. This deal is going to take precise action. We cannot risk sullying it by getting involved with the mark.”
Ariel rolls her eyes, mocking her father with some derision.
Ariel: “Blah, blah, blah. You don’t trust me?
Montgomery: “No, it’s…”
He bites his tongue.
Montgomery: “Of course I trust you. I don’t want you to risk what you’ve worked for over some meaningless tryst with a mark.”
Ariel: “Relax, Dad. It’s nothing I can’t handle.”
Montgomery: “You had better be right. This KABLAM nonsense could be a goldmine for us, and we want to make sure that we strip every last bit of gold out of it.”
Ariel: “I know… let’s just get back to the suite. I have a date to get ready for.”
Vigo bites his tongue again, but he knows there’s no changing his daughter’s mind. The two fully exit the restaurant…
When a pair of eyes peek up from over the top of a menu, watching them go. The scene cuts away.
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We return now with another bit of KNN BREAKING NEWS! No Chesty LaRue at the desk this time… just a graphic on the screen before going straight to a shot of Derek Adonis inside the hot tub of his hotel room. Lucky for you the bubbles are on, as what appears to be Derek’s swim trunks are hanging off the side, implying heavily that he is au naturel under the water. He sits back, his arms up on either side of the tub as he rests.
Adonis: “Ladies and gentlemen, health is important to you. Did you know that? Because I see a lot of people outright neglecting their health by doing things like… well… you know. That’s why whenever I go to a new city and check into my hotel room, one of the things I make sure I have is a nice hot soak in a hot tub. Did you know that hot tubs can help reduce stress, both mental AND muscular? It’s true… I read it on the internet, and if you read things on the internet, you KNOW you can trust it! But it also helps you sleep more soundly, which means you can be more awake and alert when you engage in physical intimacy with your spouse and/or partners. KABLAM!”
Derek winks to the camera.
Adonis: “Now I’m sure many of you are wondering why I am talking about this now… why I brought a camera to my hotel room so I could record myself telling you about hot tubs. And no, the KABLAMpire is not soon going to be involved in the marketing of any type of hot tub. Who do I look like? George Foreman? But like George cares about helping you knock out fat with his patented grilling machine, I care about helping you be better. That’s why KABLAMaerobics exists. It’s not about making me a pile of money – although that helps. It’s about making sure you have something you can sink your teeth into… something that any old Joe or Jane Schmo can do. And many people have taken that to insult me! “Look at Derek Adonis. If HE can do it… YOU can do it too!”…”
He scoffs a bit before actually thinking about it.
Adonis: “And that’s exactly right. Because far too many fitness things seem out of reach for Joe Average. They’re expensive. They’re bulky. They don’t want to give their fat clothes to their fat friends. But KABLAMaerobics is different. KABLAMaerobics is special. It not only helps promote health and well-being, it saves lives! KABLAM saves lives! Think about that before you listen to people who want to run my name down for the good that I do! They don’t want you to be healthy. They just want your money. But I care. I care about all of you, my loyal fans and customers! Without you, there would be no KABLAMpire… there would be no Man Mountain! So, thank you. For the holidays, you can take 50% off of your KABLAMaerobics subscription AND get a free three-month trial of the KABLAM News Network… which, if you’re watching this now, you already have. But my confession… I didn’t only bring my camera to do advertisements for the many wonderful things that KABLAM has brought you in the last six months. Oh no… I have more pressing matters to attend to as well.”
Derek nods his head, turning the bubbles down so it would become easier to hear him. Of course, it’s now also easier to see what’s underneath the water, but the camera moves upward so you can save your innocence.
Adonis: “I am in Cleveland, Ohio today because SCW has a show coming up at the Quicken Loans Arena. Yes, the home of the 2016 NBA Champion Cleveland Cavaliers is going to be the stage where Derek Adonis, Man Mountain, the SCW Champion of Television defends his Championship for the final time in 2018. I get tingly in my happy parts just thinking about it! That’s because I know that Cleveland, Ohio, believes in the power of the KABLAMasutra! Cleveland, Ohio, believes in Derek Adonis. I know this because I have gone ahead and done the research. I have compiled the statistics. I know that 33% of young people in Cleveland have KABLAMinder on their phones right now! If you don’t, you are missing out on all that opportunity! I know that KABLAMaerobics is the fastest-growing fitness trend in Cleveland in the fourth-quarter of 2018! That’s because of you! That’s because you see the results every week on SCW Breakdown and you said “Me too”!”
Derek pauses, wondering if the last two words he said might get him into trouble. Deciding, however, that his exuberant tone and salesmanship were enough to shift its connotation to one of positivity.
Adonis: “But Cleveland, just as you believe in Derek Adonis… in Man Mountain… I need you to stand behind me and believe in me on Wednesday night! I am going to need you to stand up and declare yourselves as KABLAMasutra Faithful, because when I strut to the ring on that night, the SCW Championship of Television around my waist, I am going to do so to defend it against someone who means me harm. I know! I know that Dante McCaffery let me go last week because he wanted to get his hands on Max Kane. I know this to be true, but this week, since he’s my opponent, he is going to mean some ill intent to Man Mountain! He is going to want to turn Man Mountain into some lame amusement park ride. And he cannot be allowed to succeed!”
Derek closes his eyes, envisioning the horror of women no longer being impressed when they visit Man Mountain.
Adonis: “Ladies and gentlemen, please do as I do and extend your right hand out towards me as I do to you!”
Derek pulls his right arm off the back of the hot tub and reaches forward.
Adonis: “Say that you believe that Man Mountain can overcome the battle ahead of him! Say that you believe Man Mountain will overcome the battle ahead of him! Say that you believe Man Mountain is going to continue his reign as SCW Champion of Television! Say that you believe your faith in Man Mountain will be enough to push him over the top! Cleveland… this is your calling! I do this not for myself… well… kind of for myself. But mostly I do this for you! I do this so you may live vicariously through me! I am your inner you! My success is your success, be it in the ring or with the ladies!”
Derek pulls his arm back, putting it back on the side of the hot tub as women enter from both sides. Cookie Dreams, clad in a tiny bikini, enters on the right and Chesty LaRue, somehow in Cleveland, enters on the left, dressed similarly. They both enter the water, sliding right next to Adonis on either side.
Adonis: “World, you already know my smokin’ hot wife, Cookie. KNN audiences will recognize the vivacious, curvaceous Chesty LaRue, who is here in Cleveland on assignment for KNN at my personal request. Ladies, come on. You both know the rules.”
The women giggle as they move forward a bit, reaching behind their backs and untying their bikini tops. Derek turns the bubbles up again, obstructing the camera view of the being-exposed flesh as the women sit back again, nestling up to Adonis on either side.
Adonis: “Now this is the life. Folks, I know you believe. Come to Quicken Loans Arena. Show your support for Man Mountain, because together, we are making a difference! I know that with you behind me, I can overcome Dante McCaffery and whomever else he enlists to support him! Cleveland? We can become KABLAMland! Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything! Yes, I stole that line from a doll on The Simpsons. Good day, and have a happy KABLAM!!”
Derek looks to the women on either side of him, with a bigger smile on his face forming as he does.
Adonis: “I know I will! Hehehe… KABLAM!!!”
With that, the scene fades back to the KNN studios, where the producer Ephraim look around…
Ephraim: “Did you know she was going to Cleveland? Jesus Christ…”
The scene returns to the KNN Breaking News logo before returning our viewers to the KNN Presentation of Chronicle: How Derek Adonis Became Champion of Television!
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It has been a week since two blue lines on a pregnancy test changed everything for our unnamed subject. And in that week, she has become a complete recluse, isolating herself from humanity for 23-and-a-half hours a day, only venturing out into the real world long enough to pick up another pregnancy test. Seven tests. Seven positives.
She’s mad.
As three of the positive tests remain on the floor where they had been discarded, the woman’s feet are still seen. This time, however, it’s not pacing that we’re witnessing… not impatience for at test to clear up. Finally, we hear the woman’s voice as she apparently speaks on the telephone.
Woman: “Derek, you son of a bitch! You need to give me a call as soon as possible! This is your fault, you hear me? YOUR FAULT!”
With that, a phone is hung up and flung across the room, landing softly on some fallen, balled-up towels. We pan up to find the other four pregnancy tests having been sharpened and jabbed through a hanging image of Derek Adonis. Someone is unhappy with him. Derek might have some trouble coming sooner than he thinks…
- FIN -
BLUE indicates items not recorded for public consumption
RED indicates items recorded for public consumption
ORANGE indicates dialogue
RED and GREEN indicate a Christmas Special commercial
ONE WEEK AGO…
The police had been working hard looking into the character and financial dealings of one Derek Robert Oliver Yanni George Brand Victor Walker-Marchetti, known the world over as Derek Adonis, the Supreme Championship Wrestling Champion of Television. Since meeting with Adonis pertaining to an ongoing investigation into an alleged money laundering ring surrounding his former manservant Jeff-rey, their suspicions were piqued by the seemingly-overt lengths that the self-proclaimed Lady’s Man’s Man went in order to protect himself and his assets. Constant in-house video surveillance, coupled with pre-emptive privacy waivers signed before anyone enters his living quarters seemed to be extraordinary lengths to protect oneself, but coupled with Derek’s apparent ignorance pertaining to various subjects – he asked if “money laundering” had anything to do with doing the laundry – well, any officer with a keen ear would be suspicious by that.
The two officers – Smith and Wesson – were busy pouring over any data they could find available, but were growing frustrated in their search.
Wesson: “I can’t fucking believe it.”
He slammed down a manila file that he had been reading through, shaking his head.
Wesson: “The guy’s forty-one years old, has something of a fucking empire that he’s funded by himself, and everything is clean. There’re no back trails. There’re no Cayman Island accounts. There’s nothing to even remotely suggest that he’s been involved in any illegal activity. There’s just…”
McDonald shakes his head again, trying to comprehend the magnitude of everything he had just pieced together.
Smith: “There isn’t a puzzle to put together her. It’s baffling, I agree.”
Wesson: “How could someone who is that overbearing, that overreaching in his due diligence, be on the level? That’s some master criminal stuff going on there.”
Smith: “Well, maybe there’s something else.”
Wesson: “What do you mean?”
Smith places his file on the table between them, leaning forward to prop his arms on the table as he puts everything together.
Smith: “Well, let’s say that everything with Derek Walker-Marchetti is on the level, and he isn’t some criminal mastermind.”
Wesson: “Okay, yeah…”
Smith: “Who would have more to gain by being able to set up a system that is effectively impenetrable? Who benefits most from keeping his employer out of legal trouble?”
Wesson’s eyes widen, as he understands exactly where Smith is going with his theory.
Wesson: “Motherfucking Jeff-rey!”
Smith: “That’s right. So, what we need to do is get a warrant, go back to Mr. Walker-Marchetti’s home, and assess absolutely everything about that security system… where it came from, how it’s funded, and if there’s anyone else monitoring it. We do this and we may be able to crack into a back channel to find out exactly who masterminded this entire laundering ring.”
Wesson nods, licking his lips before another thought crosses his mind…
Wesson: “Do you find it weird that local police are somehow being held responsible for the investigation of an international money laundering ring? I mean, shouldn’t this be the jurisdiction of the FBI or Interpol or something like that?”
Smith: “I don’t question jurisdictions. I find bad guys.”
Smith puts some sunglasses on, oblivious to the fact that they’re still indoors, as you hear the beginning “YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” from CSI Miami. The scene shifts…
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We are greeted now by the KABLAM News Network Logo, with a BREAKING NEWS UPDATE! Of course, this news isn’t breaking… but the tape is old. Still, we are blessed by the ample display from KNN anchor – recently voted the most-trusted news anchor for a 24-hour news outlet – Chesty LaRue. Today, Chesty’s blouse is buttoned up properly, albeit with a few buttons up top left undone either due to the appeal of the network or due to a general inability to bring both sides of the blouse comfortably together. Still, with her beaming smile and her glowing… er… demeanor, Chesty opens the scene.
Chesty: “Hello, and welcome to the KABLAM! News Network! I am your host, Chesty LaRue coming to you LIVE from the KNN studios here in the basement of the KABLAM Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada! We are coming to you live with BREAKING NEWS as moments ago, the world watching SCW Breakdown witnessed our man, the main man, Man-Mountain Derek Adonis successfully retain his Championship of Television over Max Kane after hitting an unprecedented TWO KABLAM!’s. We will have Derek joining us live momentarily, but let’s just take a moment to appreciate what we witnessed…
The inset of the screen shows the closing moments of the match from Breakdown…
Kane rushes to the corner and hits a rolling cannonball on Adonis. Moving to the corner, he lifts Adonis to the top rope and climbs through the ropes. He takes up a perch behind Adonis, jumping around and looking for the Magical Mystery Tour, but Adonis holds onto the top rope. Kane flips back and lands on his feet. As Adonis slips from the top turnbuckle, slumping in the corner, Kane rushes in for a crossbody, but Adonis moves out of the way! Kane crashes into the corner at full speed, and Adonis runs across the ring, rebounding off and charging at Kane in the corner, colliding full force with KABLAM! Kane slumps forward but holds onto the top rope, keeping himself on his feet. Derek sees this and runs back with a second KABLAM! Kane falls forward to the ring and Derek quickly covers!
ONE…
TWO…
THREE…!!!
We return to the studio, where Chesty fans herself with her script, clearly somewhat aroused by what she had witnessed.
Chesty: “Wow… what a man! What a match! And I’m told we have the man LIVE now via satellite from Washington, DC! Mr. Adonis, are you there?”
The screen splits between Chesty in Vegas and Derek Adonis, still clad in his Uncle Sam attire, with the Television Championship belt resting on his shoulder. Derek is panting, likely still winded from the match, and has sweat cascading down his forehead as he looks to the camera. Still, through his exhaustion, he manages to smile.
Adonis: “Hello, Chesty. Can I just say how absolutely fantastic you look tonight?”
Chesty giggles at the compliment, and it’s clear that she is crushing hard on Man Mountain.
Chesty: “You may!”
Adonis: “Well you do, and you are a great hire to be the face of the KABLAM News Network! There was no one else during the auditions who caught my eye like you did. You are going to be a big star, Chesty. HUGE!”
Chesty starts to blush.
Chesty: “You certainly know how to flatter a girl, Mr. Adonis. We just shared with the KNN audience the closing moments of your match with Max Kane! Can you give us a walkthrough of what you were thinking as you were sitting on the top rope first?”
Derek smiles.
Adonis: “Certainly. As I was sitting on the top rope, I was thinking “Thank God I can sit for a second”. I don’t know how many of my regular viewers know this, but wrestling a match is an exhausting job, and it doesn’t always come with the satisfying conclusion of OTHER physical acts IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”
Chesty blushes again, this time adding a small giggle.
Adonis: “But I knew I had to hold on. Max Kane didn’t want me to hold on, but I did. The next thing I did was slide off the top rope. If I stayed there, Max probably would have tried to hit his Magical Mystery Tour on me again and I might not have been able to hold on a second time. I knew then that I couldn’t let him hit me again at all. So instead of hitting him back when he jumped at me, I moved. Max has a reputation for taking one risk too many, and that was the risk. Then as he was in the corner, I had him right where I wanted him, and…”
Chesty: “KABLAM!”
Derek laughs, still catching his breath.
Adonis: “Yeeeeeees. Then KABLAM!”
Chesty: “So why twice?”
Adonis: “Because Max is a resilient little bugger who didn’t let go of the ropes when I hit him. I hit him with TWO KABLAM!’s because I had to in order to get him to let go. But of course, once I did…!
Derek claps his hand three times, indicating the pinfall that occurred after he hit KABLAM! Twice. Chesty against becomes flush with enjoyment and arousal.
Chesty: “And what a great moment it was for all of us! You have become something of an inspiration, winning the Championship of Television and holding onto it for what will now be over a month!”
Derek smiles, and then flinches about something, but regains his bearings and smiles again, breathing a little heavily.
Adonis: “And if I can keep it up… well, of course I can keep IT up IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! … I mean my…”
Chesty: “No, I’m sure we all get it.”
But Derek, not liking getting interrupted before finishing a filthy thought…
Adonis: “Genitals.”
Chesty giggles again… she was digging what he was laying down for some reason that we’ll probably never be able to fully comprehend.
Adonis: “But if I can keep the belt… if I can retain my title next week, then I will roll into 2019 as Champion of Television… ending 2018 as I began it! A lot of people don’t remember that held the Championship for three weeks last year right during this time of year. I walked into 2018 as Champion of Television, and now I might be able to pull off walking into 2019 as Champion of Television! Can you imagine how that would be reflected in history? I would be seen as more than the KABLAM peddler that others look at me as. Marie Jones… she insulted Man Mountain last week by claiming I was some kind of serial harasser? A Weinstein. First of all, racist. But mainly, untrue! I ensure I go to great lengths to get consent from my partners. I don’t pursue married women. Daddy Don’t Diddle with kids. I am very open and forward. If I’m interested, you know I am… right Chesty?”
Derek winks obnoxiously, which Chesty seems to dig.
Chesty: “Oh, absolutely!”
Adonis: “But I know that people are going to say things about meeeeee… that are untrue. Why? Because I’m successful now. I’m a Champion. KABLAMaerobics is a bona fide success story! Sales are through the ROOF! And this is just 2018. 2019 is going to be even BIGGER and KABLAMMER! No one ever thought I would amount to anything more than a comedy act but here IIIIIIIII… am. Yeah…”
Derek looks down.
Adonis: “Like that.”
Chesty: “After your match, Dante McCaffery and Xander Valentine went after Max Kane but left you alone…”
Adonis looks back up.
Adonis: “Yeah… they have beef with him. Its not my fight, and I’m far too valuable to the KABLAMpire to risk crossing the wrong people. That’s why I got out of dodge… I’m better served by pursuing my own means than letting someone else drag me left or riiiiiiiiiiight…”
Derek appears to be breathing even more heavily.
Chesty: “Mr. Adonis, are you okay?”
Adonis: “Never better, Chesty… never beeeeeeeee… KABLAM!”
After a few seconds passing with his face contorted, Derek begins to breathe more readily, sitting back in his chair as he does.
Adonis: “Never better.”
He gets a strange smile on his face. At this point, the back of a woman’s head raises just high enough to be seen by the camera, moving to the side as she does. Derek watches her move.
Adonis: “You did great.”
Chesty: “Mr. Adonis… who is that?”
Derek wags his finger and taps his nose.
Adonis: “Now, now, Chesty… a gentleman never kisses and tells.”
Chesty: “But that didn’t look like the result of a kiss.”
Truth be told, Chesty’s tone begins to get a little more accusatory as her jealousy begins to raise. But Derek, ever the lady’s man, immediately seeks to diffuse the situation.
Adonis: “Don’t worry, Chesty. While Cookie and Manvel are off celebrating in their own way, I needed a little bit of a stress release.”
She pouts.
Adonis: “But I promise, as soon as I get back to Las Vegas, I’ll stop by the studios and pay you a personal visit.”
This causes the young one-dimensional personality/three-dimensional woman to perk right up.
Chesty: “I’m going to hold you to that!”
Adonis: “I wouldn’t have it any other way! KABLAM!”
The split screen goes away, with a flush Chesty turning back to the camera.
Chesty: “Well, it looks like I have something to look forward to! For KABLAM News Network, I have been Chesty LaRue! Now stay tuned for KABLAMasutra: The Movie: The Table Read!”
With that, she begins to fan herself again as the camera fades away…
----------
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS CHRISTMAS? NOTHING? WHAT ABOUT HANNUKAH? KWANZAA? SOLSTICE? FESTIVUS FOR THE RESTIVUS? TUESDAY?
WELL, WHATEVER YOU CELEBRATE THIS TIME OF YEAR IF ANYTHING AT ALL, BE SURE TO CELEBRATE IT WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS. AND, IF YOUR FAMILY IS LAME AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALL BUSY DOING OTHER THINGS, THEN TUNE IN TO THE KABLAM NEWS NETWORK FOR OUR FIRST ANNUAL DEREK ADONIS VERY KABLAM NON-DENOMINATIONAL HOLIDAY SHINDIG!
SOUND TEMPTING? WELL, DON’T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT! LISTEN TO THIS ENDORSEMENT PROVIDED BY THE ONE AND ONLY MR. D OF SUPREME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!
Mr. D: “What are you doing in my office?”
HOW CAN YOU SAY ‘NO’ TO AN ENDORSEMENT LIKE THAT!? AIRING ALL DAY ON THE KABLAM NEWS NETWORK, STARRING DEREK ADONIS, COOKIE DREAMS, MANVEL, CHESTY LARUE, THE SOLID KABLAM DANCERS, AND MORE*!!!
DON’T MISS IT! YOU’LL REGRET IT IF YOU DO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, AND JOYOUS KABLAM TO YOU ALL!!
* “More” may be limited to a stage hand getting caught on camera for a split second.
----------
Voice: “Mr. Adonis…”
The scene opens up inside of a Denny’s in Cleveland, Ohio. The age-old adage that “Cleveland Rocks” has been something impressed upon Man Mountain, as he has been spending time in the city prior to SCW Breakdown and his Championship of Television defense against Dante McCaffery. And, as he’s toured the city, Adonis has found that the ladies definitely have an eye for him. After all, what eyes wouldn’t be drawn to a man clad in the bright colours that Adonis has made part of his gaudy trademarks? Either way, as Derek is out for his second breakfast of the day (breakfast for dinner is absolutely something that exists and should be celebrated), he finds himself approached by a man in a three-piece suit, not as colourful as Derek’s own, and a woman in a form-fitted gown. To Derek’s chagrin, it’s the man who does the speaking…
Man: “May we?”
With a mouth full of food, Derek doesn’t answer verbally. I mean that would be pretty rude. He does, however, motion to the two available chairs, a convenient set-up considering there are two visitors. They sit on either side of him, and again it’s the man that does the talking.
Man: “My name is Vigo Montgomery, and this here is my daughter, Ariel.”
She smiles slyly, waving with just her fingers. Derek responds in kind.
Montgomery: “Excuse me, waitress?”
Vigo holds a finger up, flagging down Derek’s server. As she approaches, he pulls out a charge card from his own suit jacket.
Montgomery: “Mr. Adonis will not be paying for his own meal today. Please put it on my account.”
The waitress nods her head, taking the card from Vigo as she steps away. He turns back to the table as Derek swallows his mouthful of pancake.
Adonis: “Thank you?”
Montgomery: “Do not mention it, Mr. Adonis. I am sure that my daughter and I have confused you with our presence.”
Derek looks over to Ariel, who smiles.
Adonis: “Little bit, yeah.”
Montgomery: “Well, I can assure you that it is simple. You see, I am a wealthy entrepreneur with a taste for the finer things in life. My daughter, not unlike myself, has a keen eye for money-making opportunities. And that is why we sought you out when we heard you were going to be in Cleveland this week.”
Adonis: “Oh, you’re from Cleveland?”
Vigo laughs.
Montgomery: “What? God, no. My family and I would never reside in a city of such mundanity and squalor, content to live vicariously through a sporting franchise that is celebrated for not losing every week. We specifically sought you out because Ariel has been impressed with you.”
Derek looks over to the young daughter, who winks. Derek winks back.
Adonis: “Has she now?”
Montgomery: “Not by your physical attributes, if that is what you are believing. You are clearly not the physical specimen that one might typically entertain in an industry such as yours. But your business acumen must be recognized and appreciated. You have taken a single word and transformed it into a money-making enterprise and because of that, you have enabled your own transformation.”
Derek nods his head.
Adonis: “That’s KABLAMaerobics!”
Montgomery: “Yes… and how does “KABLAMaerobics” work exactly?”
Adonis: “Well, it makes you more limber for those hard-to-reach positions… it improves cardiovascular health to enable longer sessions… I would be happy to demonstrate with Ariel…”
Ariel appears a bit taken back, but she smiles just the same. Vigo stretches his arm out.
Montgomery: “That will not be necessary at this juncture.”
Derek, a little bit dejected, sits back. He doesn’t notice the disappointment in Ariel’s eyes, as somewhat bewilderingly, he has charmed another young woman. How he does it is something that will never be able to be explained, not in science, not in anything.
Adonis: “Fair enough.”
Montgomery: “What my daughter noticed was that you are an impeccable businessman. The wrestling industry itself… it chews people up and spits them out. I lost a son to the industry myself, so I understand as well as any the kind of struggles that can come associated with it. But it takes a particularly wise man to understand the business for what it is.”
Derek nods, pretending that he understands what Vigo is talking about although in reality he hadn’t the foggiest idea.
Adonis: “Yeah.”
Montgomery: “A business.”
Vigo laughs and, since he doesn’t want to be left out, Derek also laughs.
Montgomery: “When you think about the industry, that’s all it is. It’s no different than auto manufacturing or insurance sales. It is a means to an end and that end is making money. You understand it which is why you have been so successful at using your stage to promote your other business ventures, the real money-makers.”
Adonis: “Uh, yeah! That’s what I did alright!”
Derek didn’t really comprehend what Vigo was talking about. For him, the business side came from others. Derek was more of an ideas kind of guy. But hey, he liked the idea that this stuffy businessman was complimenting him, and his daughter was smoking hot and seemed interested enough.
Adonis: “So why are you here again?”
Montgomery: “How foolish of me… I never relayed the purpose of our visit.”
Adonis: “No you did not.”
Montgomery: “My daughter and I are interested in investing with your… commercial endeavors.”
Derek’s eyes widen.
Montgomery: “You would, of course, retain ownership and creative control, but we would become stakeholders. The more profits you attain, the more money we all get. You would no longer be liable for 100% of the risk.”
Adonis: “There’s no risk in KABLAM, sir. Until you get to the later chapters of the KABLAMasutra… those can be kind of tricky if you’re not limber enough.”
Vigo laughs rather dryly.
Montgomery: “Yes. Of course. I should also mention to you that, with this investment, we would be able to put your products in front of more eyes. I have prepared a proposal for you…”
Vigo pulls out a large envelope filled with material, sliding it across the table to Adonis. He pulls the envelope up, looking on the inside.
Adonis: “This looks like a lot of reading.”
Montgomery: “By all means, take your time Mr. Adonis. I wouldn’t want to rush you. But in the meantime, is there anything we can do to make your visit here more hospitable?”
Derek looks to Vigo, then looks over to Ariel, who he spots biting her lower lip.
Adonis: “Dinner?”
Montgomery: “We would lo-…”
Adonis: “No, not all three of us. Me and her.”
Montgomery is slightly taken back by this request, but Ariel smiles.
Montgomery: “That’s not exactly usual…”
Ariel: “I’d love you.”
She looks over to her father, giving him a knowing nod. The pair rise to their feet.
Montgomery: “My daughter is a woman of her own mind. I shall send her with our limo to get you at your hotel at 7. Be ready.”
Adonis: “I always am.”
Montgomery: “Yes… very good, then.”
The father and daughter walk away from the table, leaving Derek and their sales material. Once out of earshot, Vigo takes his daughter by the arm.
Montgomery: “What are you thinking?”
Ariel: “What? He’s cute… kind of like a teddy bear. Looking at him, he’s probably very attentive too.”
Vigo nearly chokes on his own saliva.
Montgomery: “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. This deal is going to take precise action. We cannot risk sullying it by getting involved with the mark.”
Ariel rolls her eyes, mocking her father with some derision.
Ariel: “Blah, blah, blah. You don’t trust me?
Montgomery: “No, it’s…”
He bites his tongue.
Montgomery: “Of course I trust you. I don’t want you to risk what you’ve worked for over some meaningless tryst with a mark.”
Ariel: “Relax, Dad. It’s nothing I can’t handle.”
Montgomery: “You had better be right. This KABLAM nonsense could be a goldmine for us, and we want to make sure that we strip every last bit of gold out of it.”
Ariel: “I know… let’s just get back to the suite. I have a date to get ready for.”
Vigo bites his tongue again, but he knows there’s no changing his daughter’s mind. The two fully exit the restaurant…
When a pair of eyes peek up from over the top of a menu, watching them go. The scene cuts away.
----------
We return now with another bit of KNN BREAKING NEWS! No Chesty LaRue at the desk this time… just a graphic on the screen before going straight to a shot of Derek Adonis inside the hot tub of his hotel room. Lucky for you the bubbles are on, as what appears to be Derek’s swim trunks are hanging off the side, implying heavily that he is au naturel under the water. He sits back, his arms up on either side of the tub as he rests.
Adonis: “Ladies and gentlemen, health is important to you. Did you know that? Because I see a lot of people outright neglecting their health by doing things like… well… you know. That’s why whenever I go to a new city and check into my hotel room, one of the things I make sure I have is a nice hot soak in a hot tub. Did you know that hot tubs can help reduce stress, both mental AND muscular? It’s true… I read it on the internet, and if you read things on the internet, you KNOW you can trust it! But it also helps you sleep more soundly, which means you can be more awake and alert when you engage in physical intimacy with your spouse and/or partners. KABLAM!”
Derek winks to the camera.
Adonis: “Now I’m sure many of you are wondering why I am talking about this now… why I brought a camera to my hotel room so I could record myself telling you about hot tubs. And no, the KABLAMpire is not soon going to be involved in the marketing of any type of hot tub. Who do I look like? George Foreman? But like George cares about helping you knock out fat with his patented grilling machine, I care about helping you be better. That’s why KABLAMaerobics exists. It’s not about making me a pile of money – although that helps. It’s about making sure you have something you can sink your teeth into… something that any old Joe or Jane Schmo can do. And many people have taken that to insult me! “Look at Derek Adonis. If HE can do it… YOU can do it too!”…”
He scoffs a bit before actually thinking about it.
Adonis: “And that’s exactly right. Because far too many fitness things seem out of reach for Joe Average. They’re expensive. They’re bulky. They don’t want to give their fat clothes to their fat friends. But KABLAMaerobics is different. KABLAMaerobics is special. It not only helps promote health and well-being, it saves lives! KABLAM saves lives! Think about that before you listen to people who want to run my name down for the good that I do! They don’t want you to be healthy. They just want your money. But I care. I care about all of you, my loyal fans and customers! Without you, there would be no KABLAMpire… there would be no Man Mountain! So, thank you. For the holidays, you can take 50% off of your KABLAMaerobics subscription AND get a free three-month trial of the KABLAM News Network… which, if you’re watching this now, you already have. But my confession… I didn’t only bring my camera to do advertisements for the many wonderful things that KABLAM has brought you in the last six months. Oh no… I have more pressing matters to attend to as well.”
Derek nods his head, turning the bubbles down so it would become easier to hear him. Of course, it’s now also easier to see what’s underneath the water, but the camera moves upward so you can save your innocence.
Adonis: “I am in Cleveland, Ohio today because SCW has a show coming up at the Quicken Loans Arena. Yes, the home of the 2016 NBA Champion Cleveland Cavaliers is going to be the stage where Derek Adonis, Man Mountain, the SCW Champion of Television defends his Championship for the final time in 2018. I get tingly in my happy parts just thinking about it! That’s because I know that Cleveland, Ohio, believes in the power of the KABLAMasutra! Cleveland, Ohio, believes in Derek Adonis. I know this because I have gone ahead and done the research. I have compiled the statistics. I know that 33% of young people in Cleveland have KABLAMinder on their phones right now! If you don’t, you are missing out on all that opportunity! I know that KABLAMaerobics is the fastest-growing fitness trend in Cleveland in the fourth-quarter of 2018! That’s because of you! That’s because you see the results every week on SCW Breakdown and you said “Me too”!”
Derek pauses, wondering if the last two words he said might get him into trouble. Deciding, however, that his exuberant tone and salesmanship were enough to shift its connotation to one of positivity.
Adonis: “But Cleveland, just as you believe in Derek Adonis… in Man Mountain… I need you to stand behind me and believe in me on Wednesday night! I am going to need you to stand up and declare yourselves as KABLAMasutra Faithful, because when I strut to the ring on that night, the SCW Championship of Television around my waist, I am going to do so to defend it against someone who means me harm. I know! I know that Dante McCaffery let me go last week because he wanted to get his hands on Max Kane. I know this to be true, but this week, since he’s my opponent, he is going to mean some ill intent to Man Mountain! He is going to want to turn Man Mountain into some lame amusement park ride. And he cannot be allowed to succeed!”
Derek closes his eyes, envisioning the horror of women no longer being impressed when they visit Man Mountain.
Adonis: “Ladies and gentlemen, please do as I do and extend your right hand out towards me as I do to you!”
Derek pulls his right arm off the back of the hot tub and reaches forward.
Adonis: “Say that you believe that Man Mountain can overcome the battle ahead of him! Say that you believe Man Mountain will overcome the battle ahead of him! Say that you believe Man Mountain is going to continue his reign as SCW Champion of Television! Say that you believe your faith in Man Mountain will be enough to push him over the top! Cleveland… this is your calling! I do this not for myself… well… kind of for myself. But mostly I do this for you! I do this so you may live vicariously through me! I am your inner you! My success is your success, be it in the ring or with the ladies!”
Derek pulls his arm back, putting it back on the side of the hot tub as women enter from both sides. Cookie Dreams, clad in a tiny bikini, enters on the right and Chesty LaRue, somehow in Cleveland, enters on the left, dressed similarly. They both enter the water, sliding right next to Adonis on either side.
Adonis: “World, you already know my smokin’ hot wife, Cookie. KNN audiences will recognize the vivacious, curvaceous Chesty LaRue, who is here in Cleveland on assignment for KNN at my personal request. Ladies, come on. You both know the rules.”
The women giggle as they move forward a bit, reaching behind their backs and untying their bikini tops. Derek turns the bubbles up again, obstructing the camera view of the being-exposed flesh as the women sit back again, nestling up to Adonis on either side.
Adonis: “Now this is the life. Folks, I know you believe. Come to Quicken Loans Arena. Show your support for Man Mountain, because together, we are making a difference! I know that with you behind me, I can overcome Dante McCaffery and whomever else he enlists to support him! Cleveland? We can become KABLAMland! Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything! Yes, I stole that line from a doll on The Simpsons. Good day, and have a happy KABLAM!!”
Derek looks to the women on either side of him, with a bigger smile on his face forming as he does.
Adonis: “I know I will! Hehehe… KABLAM!!!”
With that, the scene fades back to the KNN studios, where the producer Ephraim look around…
Ephraim: “Did you know she was going to Cleveland? Jesus Christ…”
The scene returns to the KNN Breaking News logo before returning our viewers to the KNN Presentation of Chronicle: How Derek Adonis Became Champion of Television!
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It has been a week since two blue lines on a pregnancy test changed everything for our unnamed subject. And in that week, she has become a complete recluse, isolating herself from humanity for 23-and-a-half hours a day, only venturing out into the real world long enough to pick up another pregnancy test. Seven tests. Seven positives.
She’s mad.
As three of the positive tests remain on the floor where they had been discarded, the woman’s feet are still seen. This time, however, it’s not pacing that we’re witnessing… not impatience for at test to clear up. Finally, we hear the woman’s voice as she apparently speaks on the telephone.
Woman: “Derek, you son of a bitch! You need to give me a call as soon as possible! This is your fault, you hear me? YOUR FAULT!”
With that, a phone is hung up and flung across the room, landing softly on some fallen, balled-up towels. We pan up to find the other four pregnancy tests having been sharpened and jabbed through a hanging image of Derek Adonis. Someone is unhappy with him. Derek might have some trouble coming sooner than he thinks…
- FIN -