*blows on keyboard*
Alright….Wait…Why was my keyboard this dusty? I’m writing shows and I have dust…Well, I know I’m going to have to purchase some cleaning products one day. But no time for that, I’ve sat down. I’m starting to write this. We’re doing this…
Welcome to the Cynical View of E-fedding.
Wait a minute…that’s a horrible introduction. Perhaps I should have a prologue? Wait, if I do that, people may think I’m going off on people with prologues.
*sigh*
I’ll start with this then:
Ahem…
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DISCLAIMER: The points made in this column are about no one particular handler or character. They reflect trends that have been noticed in SCW over the last couple of months. Furthermore, just by following the advice given does not mean you magically will become undefeated and King of the Internets and all of the Championships that come with it. Remember, roleplaying is relative.
Now, we can start and I can give you another list of things that piss me off!
And hmmm….they all have to do with things doing with bios….how about that….
Sharper: “Welcome to hour two here of the program and we are still waiting for our first match to start…”
Knots: “Seriously, who let these guys come out to the entirety of In-a-Gadda-da-Vita!”
This is one of the things that makes me karate chop various dishes in my kitchen. It’s messy and I don’t have that much money. But it’s startling how this has become a slow trend.
Why in the blue hell do you have an entire song in your intro?
Seriously? Let’s just think this through for more than twelve milliseconds. Most television segments, in terms for a match, are five to eight minutes. I have posted some bios that are LONGER than the match that is going on. They take LONGER to get to the ring that the actual match. And this is not just a matter of the person putting a lot of detail in their entrance.
Their entrance is not a series of sentences like “The hair on the blonde kid in the third row quivered as the towering figure of John Q. Wrestler walked out to the stage. The old lady that lived under the arena, banged their broomstick into the ceiling, hoping the music would be turned down to no avail. The weather outside was a balmy 12 degrees with a hint of light showers, something that John Q. Wrestler was putting out of his mind, no longer worrying about his flight out of Moncton, New Brunswick, but instead focusing on the poor sap that will face him in mere seconds.”
I’d almost prefer that.
But I see people including the ENTIRETY of a three to five minute song as part of their entrance. And in some cases it’s laughable.
Let’s just take an example. I will include no discerning characteristics, but here is a typical MASSIVE entrance:
Lyric
Lyric
Lyric
Lyric
Lyric
Lyric
Chorus
Chorus
Chorus
John Q. Wrestler walks down the rampway.
Lyric
Lyric
Lyric…
I just want to point something out. John Q. Wrestler either got lost in the lights or something. He daydreamed and someone had to poke him with a stick to remember to go to the ring, because he was standing on the stage for at least forty-five seconds.
OR
John Q. Wrestler is the slowest bastard on the planet. Perhaps he pulled his groin part way down the ramp. It took him a minute to make his way down a ramp to the ring. He probably could’ve gone faster if he tripped and rolled all the way down. And then nevermind that often when people get to the ring, they go through another two verses, the coda, an encore and God knows what else.
I understand that you like the song. I understand that you probably weren’t sure what to cut from the lyrics. But here’s the thing…no one cares about the lyrics. This isn’t a singing contest. You’re not going on a trivia show later. You don’t have to go hang out in a bar, listening to excerpts and impressing your friends on how you know that one obscure Michael Bolton hit. The focus should be the entrance. If the lyrics matter, include them. It’s one thing to include a minor opening, perhaps the chorus of the song, or to have one line echoing to start it off, but why do you need the entire song? This is television. You’re not getting the million dollar Rise to Greatness entrance every show. All you do is force me to edit your entrance every time and get annoyed doing it. Granted, I could edit them right in your bio, but let’s face it, someone else is going to do it so I may as well just state this right out. An average entrance on a television show or PPV is at most thirty-seconds to a minute. Unless you’re a big star, that’s probably it. Use that as a guide.
Oh, one more note – YOU! New guy! Yeah, you! I don’t know you’re name, but they are going NUTS for you!
This is just a minor aside from the logic and reality department of SCW.
I understand you want to be a huge star. I understand you probably think your wrestler could be that. I understand that you want millions of dollars and to be having sex with many virtual beautiful men or women with your character…But if you’re a f’n rookie, why the hell do the fans 1) Give a damn about you and 2) know who the hell you are?!
This is something I always laugh about. I’ll see some new wrestler (and this is shockingly common, even by veterans of the game). They’re post a bio of how they are just starting training, or better yet, they’re some no name from some local indy promotion and now they’ve hit it big! They’re in SCW. A global promotion. I then read their entrance. They have pyro, the crowd is going nuts. In fact, they blow the roof off the place. They’re LITERALLY hanging from the rafters! It’s like Jesus himself is coming down to the ring!
Be realistic! If you’re a name, take for example, given the history of, say, Trinity Street, Simon Lyman and Donovan Kayl. Their history they’ve created for the character makes it feasible that they’d get a crowd reaction immediately upon debuting. But, let’s take Blitzkrieg when he first debuted. He and Aiken debuted together. The first appearance or two is probably going to get little reaction until they make their impact (which they did by attacking Lucas Knight). This established them as a heel. They get booed. But I laugh when I see fresh-faced rookies or no name wrestlers come in, jumping up and down, and getting a reaction as if the World Champion walked in. I always edit it. Be aware of where you are on the card. Remember, you CAN edit your bios here. So, be aware of where you are. Also, note things like whether I’m writing your match/segments. I often try to involve a realistic crowd response to let you know. Worst case, just be smart about it. But if you’re curtain jerking, don’t expect a monster pop. They’re probably doing that because they get a chance to take a leak.
Hey! You! I know your REAL name! Now you’re screwed!
I know where this comes from. I hate that. I realize it’s a function of modern wrestling…but come on…let’s just take this to the extreme. WHY HAVE GIMMICKS?! WHY HAVE NICKNAMES?! Why is Blitzkrieg, Blitzkrieg? OH YEAH, the name makes him a MONSTER! Calling him John Smith probably isn’t going to instill fear!
But this is becoming a trend. A lot of people think that mentioning someone’s really name makes them look cool. Newsflash! It doesn’t! It makes them look like a rebel…Newsflash! It doesn’t. It makes you look petty and it’s a cheap shot.
There are only TWO legitimate reasons someone should reference a REAL name on SCW programming (or in a promo).
1) They’re close friends or there’s a lengthy history between one another. There’s a reason Ravyn Taylor calls Syren, Zoe, and she calls CHBK, Alex. They’re in romantic relationships. Ravyn has also long established in her personal life that she calls them that.
2) It’s an exceptionally personal feud and even this isn’t always okay. It’s one thing if it’s gone over for years and it’s involved family members or gone outside of the ring. That’s fine. Again ,there needs to be history.
But I frequently see people just refusing to call people by their alias or their wrestling name. This is just plainly a smack in the face. And more often than not, it’s not your character showing disrespect to another by refusing to call them it. It’s a slap in the face to the handler because you’re basically screwing them over. They’ve taken time to come up with a character and an alias. Thirteen is the wrestler – not James Marsh-Asher. A$AP Scrappy is the wrestler, not Demetrius Johnson. It’s Simon Lyman not Braeden Lyman.
It seems minor and in some ways petty, but it’s petty the other way. It’s a cheap method by the handler to show disrespect, seemingly thinking you’re doing it the character, but all you’re doing is EXPOSING their character and maybe their gimmick, depending on how they’ve crafted it. That’s why this should only be done in personal reasons. Then it’s showing how serious the problem is, the rivalry is, or that it’s the people BEHIND the curtain too that are feuding (or more importantly, that this isn’t just a wrestling thing. That’s if you want to take the modern route. I personally believe that personal names should be left out of it unless the wrestler themselves call themselves it (for example, CHBK has referred to himself as Alex Desoubrais on the show, making that fair game.).
What do you gain from doing this? Nothing much. It just exposing things that don’t need to be exposed. It’s not a personal shot. It’s a cheap shot. It’s one of those things that’s not going to sink you, but it often frustrates me as it really serves no purpose 99 times out of 100.
Apparently, if you want to win the lottery, be a wrestler. THEY’RE LOADED!
This is one of those things I’ve wanted to discuss for a while. But I’ve never had the time to sit down and expose how ridiculous this is. I mean, let’s look at the roster, and I’d say at least 20 people live in palatial estates, have jets, millions of dollars and what not.
So, since I’ve been asked about this a few times by some people what I think about it and I’ve noticed some fed resources noting how this is becoming a trend, perhaps I should offer my two cents. Now I realize it’s only two cents, so you millionaires may not listen, but perhaps you may want to reconsider a few things.
Have any of you honestly thought about what you realistically would make from SCW, a global wrestling company that tours internationally and has primetime television and draws good business?
Well, allow me to explain the salaries and let be clear here that this is not hard and fast. This is more something someone asked me about and I did some research and came up with these numbers as reflective of what talent would likely be getting in SCW.
Low-card – $60 000 to $90 000 a year
Mid-card – $100 000 to $200 000 a year
Upper mid-card – $250 000 to $500 000 a year
Main Event/Long time star/Former Draw – $600 000 to $1 million+
Depending on the talent, merchandise would make up some of it, as would travel (first class or other), hotel accommodations (five star, etc.).
Most likely, the top, top star would draw no more than $2 million BASE salary (and that’s generally speaking). Furthermore, in SCW, there would be a bonus system for holding a given title during a month:
$25 000 for Adrenaline or Underground Championship
$50 000 for United States Championship
$50 000 per World Tag Team Championship holder
$100 000 for World Championship
Furthermore, for pay per views, there’s a potential for part of the house payoff.
So a lot of people are not becoming millionaires. Add living expenses, they can live well, certainly; but they’re not going to be bringing home millions upon millions of dollars.
But so many people are living the high life. Some people come from money, so that gets around some of it. Some people saved. Some people pool resources with their friends, family or allies. The problem is that at some point, some people are going to be tight for money. There are a lot of people living the highest of high lives. This point here is not to say that’s necessarily wrong or a problem. However, for the purposes of realism, this is something to consider.
Now, if you excuse me, I need to clean up the ripped up paper, the broken dishes and glasses and deal with some cuts on my hands from the destruction I caused venting here. Until next time…