Sarah Wolf vs. Religious Wright

[Braddock]

We open in the obesely expensive auditorium used by Religious Wright for his sanctuary, his worship hall at The Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Temple of Joy Holiness by way of Mt. Judea, Arknasas. Brother Douglas is standing on stage in blue denim overalls a stained white t-shirt and boots. The lights begin to play some flashy disco style lighting as Brother Douglas begins to play his electric guitar.

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! JESUS! FUCK YEAH!”
“WORSHIP THE LAWD! FUCK YEAH! JAMES EVANS! FUCK YEAH!”

And then Religious Wright emerges at the front of the auditorium wearing a black hooded cloak and nothing else (sorry, too much information, I know, but at least the hooded cloak is completely tied up and closed shut, right?). Religious Wright is carrying his holy book in his hands as he dances down the aisle to the music of Brother Douglas…

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! SARAH WOLF! FUCK NO!”
“GONNA WHIP HER ASS! FUCK YEAH! FOR JAMES! FUCK YEAH!”

Wright dances his way all the way to the front. He kisses some babies along the way, shakes some hands along the way, he even kisses some women along the way…at least one woman grabs his plump buttocks. There is a distinct possibility that they are having an affair. Wright then continues dancing towards the steps of the stage.

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! RISE TO GREATNESS! FUCK YEAH!”
“JESUS! FUCK YEAH! JAMES EVANS! FUCK YEAH!”

Wright makes it to the stage and steps behind a podium. Brother Douglas stops his playing to allow Wright time to speak. Wright turns to face Brother Douglas.

“Brother Douglast, please inform the congregation and the sheep at home what happened at Rise To James?”

“Kandis defeated Selena Frost to become SCW World Champion.”

“Yes but that’s not important.”

“Oh…uh, Deanna Frost won two matches in back to back nights retaining her SCW United States Title!”

“Who gives a damn about her?! Next!”

“Oh…well…Simon Lyman made a glorious return to defeat Gavin Taylor….”

“SHUT UP!” Wright shouts angrily. He motions to himself. “I’m talking about me!”

“Oh you…” Brother Douglas smiles stupidly. “Sorry, I keep forgetting. Well, at Rise to James you got beat by Adam Brock.”

“Incorrect.” Wright shakes his head. “I fiercely defended the values and good name of Prophet James Evans against the barbaric horde!”

“You still lost, pastor.”

“Shut up.” Wright snaps at him angrily. Then he takes his holy book and slams it down on the podium, causing a crack in the podium. “Listen to me, my brothas and my sistas in JAMES!” Wright says as he pounds his fist on the podium. “Listen to the Book of James Chapter 6 verse 9…and behold the great and terrible Wolf, the one known as Sarah, this Wolf of Sarah shall descend from the north upon the leaf of maples, to bring evil and blasphemy to the land of Satanic Championship Worship!”

Wright presses a button and loud booing can be heard. Not booing Wright, obviously, because why would anyone boo a man of the cloth? No, they are booing SCW: Satanic Championship Wrestling. They are also booing The Wolf of Sarah. Yes, that’s who they are booing. Wright smirks as he holds up his hand to get the attention of the congregation.

“But lo from the clouds, the beautifully glorious lands known as Boone of the Carolina of the North, comes a savior who shall bring down the vengeance of tha LAWWWWD upon the Wolf of Sarah!” Wright pushes another button. Suddenly chants of ‘James!’ erupt in the congregation. Is this really a chant? Not really. Not even a chant of the Gregorian kind. This is a computer recording. Isn’t Wright smart? Wright shakes his head and the chanting ceases as quickly as it began. “No, my children! Not James! The Prophet James has not yet returned! The Prophet James has decreed that his disciple, The Great Pastor Religious Wright shall smite The Wolf of Sarah! Religious Wright shall tame the beast! Religious Wright shall turn her into a poodle! And through the Power of James Evans, Religious Wright shall cleanse all of Satanic Championship Worship from all evil!”

Wright presses another button and the computer recording blares loud cheers from the congregation. Wright then bows his head and clasps his hands as if he is in prayer. “This…has been the Word of James…”

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!” Brother Douglas says after striking a loud and obnoxious guitar riff. Wright then steps out from behind the podium and, after reading from his holy book, begins to preach the sermon.

“Now then my brothas and my sistas in James, what we have here in today’s scripture reading is what is called a PROPHECY! Now I am aware that most of you in attendance today and all of you watching from home are too ignorant and stupid to comprehend the Word of James, let alone a prophecy as complex as this, so allow me to interpret for the small minded ones among us. This prophecy takes place during The Post Selena Era of Satanic Championship Worship. Also known as The Ass Era. We see Satanic Championship Worship being invaded from the north upon the leaf of maples…this is clearly a reference to the fifty-first state of the United States, Canada…”

“Uh, Pastor Wright…”

Wright rolls his eyes out of frustration. “What is it, Brother Douglas? Can’t you see that I am preaching to the ignorant masses?!”

“Yes, but uh, Canada is a sovereign nation.”

“No, no, no,” Wright shakes his head. “You are mistaken. Canada was annexed into the United States during the Presidency of James Evans.”

“He was?” Brother Douglas tilts his head to the side.

“Of course. He came between Daddy Bush and Baby Bush. His Presidency was also known as Sex Between The Bushes.”

“Oh, right.”

“Now where was I? Oh yes. The Wolf of Sarah invades Satanic Championship Worship from Canada, specifically Toronto, which is her obvious choice seeing as she is a Toronto Maple Leafs fan…excuse me, Maples Laughs!” Wright presses a button and a laugh track plays. Once the laugh track ends Wright continues speaking. “And the Wolf of Sarah hates all things sacred, even the things Satan Championship Worship holds near and dear, things such as Rise To Greatness. Therefore it makes perfect sense that the Wolf of Sarah, a TORONTO MAPLE LAUGHS FAN, would invade FROM TORONTO at Rise To Greatness and attack Alex Mack!”

“Alexis Quinne.”

“Who?”

“Alexis Quinne.” Brother Douglas repeats. “Sarah Wolf attacked Alexis Quinne.”

“I thought that was the Medicine Woman.”

“That’s Dr. Quinne.”

“I thought that was Magenta from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

“That’s Patricia Quinne.”

“I thought that was the child actor starring in Annie.”

“That’s Aileen Quinne.”

“Then who the hell am I thinking of?”

“Alexis Quinne.”

“She was great in The Secret World of Alex Mack, but clearly wrestling is NOT her forte! Now anyway, as I was saying, the Wolf of Sarah invaded Rise To Greatness and attacked Alexis Quinne! And why has the Wolf of Sarah returned? What brings this foul deviant canine back to Satanic Championship Worship? The answer is to spread falsehoods, blasphemies, and ruin the good names of JAMES EVANS! But you need not fear, because Religious Wright is here to slay the beast!” Wright takes a bow as the cheering track is played again.

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH”! Brother Dogulas shouts loudly as he plays a guitar riff.

“Now Brother Douglas, tell the congregation what exactly does a wolf symbolize in sacred scripture!”

“Well, according to Google, it loyalty, family, communication, wisdom, teaching, and intelligence.”

Wright glares angrily as he walks over and smacks Brother Douglas in the back of his head. “Not THAT link, you idiot! The other one!”

“Oh, sorry…uh, power, loyalty, guardianship, teamwork and wildness?” This, too earns Brother Douglas a smack in the back of his head.

“Wrong again! Try the third link!”

“Well…uh…a wolf is, uh…a metaphor for evil men with a lust for power and dishonest gain?”

“Precisely!” Wright grins from ear to ear. “Sarah Wolf is an evil man with a lust for power and dishonest gain! Also she’s a whore, but enough about her ONE positive quality. The fact is that she returned to drag Satanic Championship Worship even further down into the depths of hell itself. She also returned to vomit on people. Just look at how she puked all over poor Sister Alexis! Would James Evans allow vomiting on people to stand in HIS SPORT, HIS ARENA, HIS SCW?!”

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH…” Brother Douglas shouts before a glare from Wright causes him to reconsider his answer “...uh, FUCK NO!”

“Exactly! James Evans would not allow some trifling harlot to walk right into his home and vomit all over helpless people! Not only is it disgusting but it is very unsafe and unsanitary! Who knows what kind of diseases Alexis Quinne might have got from being puked on? The news I am receiving from my VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE SOURCES is that Sarah Wolf’s vomit is mutating Alexis Quinne. Unless a cure is found soon, she will be forever scarred and be forced to wear a dolphin costume and join the Happy Farmstead Friends as its newest member…DISGRUNTLED DOLPHIN!”

“JESUS! FUCK YEAH!”

“We will not let that happen!” Wright gets up close to the camera. “Don’t worry, Alexis, we will save you from becoming Disgruntled Dolphin! Meanwhile, as far as The Wolf of Sarah is concerned…THE POWAH OF JAMES EVANS will make you pay for the suffering you have caused! For every human being you have ever puked on, the wrath of a thousand Jameses shall rain down upon you tenfold! And it will take place on Breakdown! It will take place in front of the whole world! And it will take place for the GLORY OF JAMES EVANS!”