07-02-2019, 07:01 PM
This whole ordeal has been one that has put me through a lot of trials and tribulations. From the actual event of trying ot take my own life, to having to look at myself literally dying from above, to facing people one on one and answer their questions, it's not been easy. Some of it has been down-right painful. I should have known that before I did what I did, too. I should have known that I'd be hurting others, but most importantly, myself. I should have realized that the risks of forgetting how to do basic tasks or the risks of basic tasks becoming difficult, like breathing and talking, would be consequences of my own actions.
Instead, I decided to pretend I wouldn't ever have to face that reality.
Ultimately one of the hardest things to do was to convince others that what had happened would be the last time it would ever occur. But from my experience with my best friend doing the same thing in his own way, I know how much I worry about him doing it again on a daily basis. I wasn't just having to convince friends and family, though, I was having to prove to physicians, nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, and other specialists alike, that I was ready to be integrated back with society. The worst part of that is they couldn't take me at my word. They couldn't trust me when I promised them anything. Effectively I had zero trust from any of them. That lack of trust, though, was what I deserved and needed because in my head, I knew I probably wouldn't ever try and go down that dark path, but it was never definitive. Sure, I told them it was, but in my head it was always a "probably." So I had to prove and convince myself that I was ready, and not just prove it to them.
Throughout the process there were milestones. The days when I would be given freedom to remove the shackles and just move around a little, the day that I didn't have to put them back on, and the day where I could see all of my care team look at one another with a sense of hope in their eye for the first time. It felt like I had finally broken through with them, and also in my own head, I began to realize that everything I had done had been as selfish as everyone had told me it was. It meant that I was "seeing the light" and realizing that what I had effectively done was try and push all of my problems onto others and run from them, instead of just facing them head on, becoming accepting of the reality in which I lived, and not trying to just be a little bitch and hide from it.
The ultimate dream moment was the day they all walked in, and they told me they were recommending I be discharged from the hospital and admitted to a halfway house to complete my treatment. They felt it was only right to let me begin to reintegrate, but also have the professionals still assisting me the rest of the way. I had requested that it be in the Greater Des Moines area, and not somewhere where his family and friends would have to travel a great distance. They agreed as long as I put my name to paper agreeing I wouldn't flee or try and discharge myself early.
Without hesitation, I signed that piece of paper.
Being in the halfway house, I won't lie, was like a mega sense of relief. I had moments where I could finally go out on my own, do things on my own again, and know that I was going back somewhere safe. The idea to run, stop treatment, or anything of the sorts never came until one very specific day. It was a day where I found myself facing a demon that I knew had more power than any other I had ever faced. That demon was the reality of myself, and what I had done.
Up until now, I had avoided going back to my home. I had avoided it like the plague. What happened that night, from what I remember, is one of hardest things for me to still talk about. It's where I realize I am not ready to be "cleared" for reality, but I also realized doing nothing would leave me in a constant state of fear of facing my past and my truths. I just didn't know how hard it would be...
I won't lie, I wanted to run. In that moment, seeing my own house, I wanted to run as far away as I could. It was like I was looking at the facade of a home that atrocities had been committed in, and I was being forced to see the damage done. I knew it was all bullshit, but I couldn't stop that feeling. I knew my mess had been cleaned up and everything would look normal, but I didn't know how I would react to seeing any of it. The comfort I had, however was everyone around me. From friends, to family, to the doctors, I knew that if I broke, I wouldn't be able to do anything to harm myself. But it just wasn't enough to take that edge off.
We stood there for what felt like an eternity. I wasn't in any rush to take that first step toward the door. This was enough for me. Enough of a "reality check," but the problem was it was just the beginning for everyone else. I also knew I couldn't turn back because they had asked me before we started this process if I wanted to do it in phases or all at once, and my dumbass said "let's just get it all over with." So I didn't get an option of turning back. But I also knew I wasn't going to be the one who just says, "sure let's Leroy Jenkins this shit." It wasn't until I felt a hand on my shoulder and look over to see my best friend, the man who had been in my very shoes, looking me in the eye and asking if I was ready that I knew I had to do what needed to be done...
Surreal... That's all I can say at that point. Standing in my own foyer, seeing my living room, knowing that this used to be a place of solace for me, and now was a place I feared wasn't something I could comprehend. It also began to make me remember that night, or what I could remember, about fighting with my wife, feeling at a breaking point, and finally deciding to do something about it. Let me tell you... Remembering how you felt the day you tried to off yourself is scary. It's also sad at the same time. You realize that there were better ways of handling things, and you took a way out to just avoid it, and now you're in the midst of handling it anyway.
They let me roam around that area for a while. I walked back out into the living room and I sat on my couch. I felt a lot of guilt come over me knowing I had done something I truly regretted. And I tried, damn did I try, to hold it together but sitting there I just broke. The tears began to flow and I think this was something they were hoping to see. I think they wanted the emotion to come out of me because it wasn't too long after this, they decided it was time for the main event...
I never liked that door, anyway...
They asked me if I felt better. Of fucking course I did. That door did something to me that I never wanted to see again. Plus I always preferred sliding doors to ones on hinges anyway!
The door... The sheet... They deserved what they got. They had tormented me in my head for I don't know how long, but it felt like a lifetime. They wanted me to "face" my fears, I did them one better. I eliminated them. The two things that had assisted in me doing the dumbest thing in my life were going to be gone from my life upon returning home. It wasn't the bathroom. It was the door, the door held that sheet in place. It was the sheet, the sheet that compressed itself across the blood flow and air supply to my body. THOSE were my demons. They wanted me to eliminate them, I did just that.
It was a moment of catharsis. It was a moment that told me that, when I was cleared to go home, the two prominent "players" outside of my own stress and life, that contributed to what I had done wouldn't be there. Yeah, I'm not stupid. I know it was all me, ultimately, but those two items needed to disappear. They needed to be destroyed. They needed to never be seen again. And they needed to be handled by the man who used them like they were never intended.
The rest of the ride back to the halfway house, I didn't say a word. Hell, nobody did. They didn't know how to approach me or what mindset I was in, and nobody wanted to test it either. Instead everyone opted for silence. It was honestly what I wanted, too. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I wanted to think about that fucking blanket burning in my hands. I wanted to see what almost killed me die in my hands. It may seem morbid, but even though it didn't have a soul, I felt like I had destroyed the evil soul within its cloth and wood. As far as I was concerned, I had vanquished a demon in my life and felt, almost joyous. Was this what they wanted me to feel? Was this the closure I needed? If it was, it worked. I felt relief. I felt like I had eliminated things in my life that had haunted me for a considerable period of time.
This is what freedom feels like...
Jake Starr: Taking Hold of the Flame... Breakdown... Supreme Championship Wrestling... Did you miss me? Did you miss the most arrogant and yet asinine individual on the roster? You know, I haven't missed Jason Zero either, but I did see him backstage the other day.
But seriously... How many of you expected to see me walk out of those curtains? And how many of you expected to see me walk out of those curtains preceded by a man doing his best impersonation of Icarus? I would strive to say none of you did, and quite frankly, I'm glad. Because I didn't want people to expect me back. I didn't want to be another name "returning" at Taking Hold of the Flame that people could guess. I wanted to surprise the world. I wanted to shock the world. I wanted the world to have a collective, "WHAT THE FUCK," moment. And it happened. It continued through the match as I outlasted many of the SCW elite superstars who I have never beaten in ANYTHING. Like literally, I've never beaten them in the ring, in the unsanctioned poker games we had in the back, ookie cookie, anything.
They've simply had my number until that night.
So what does that mean?
TITLE SHOT!
I'M THE BEST!
GIVE ME THE MAIN EVENT!
No it means nothing. It means I had a good night. Yeah I didn't win, but that's a match that it takes, literally, the PERFECT night to win. It wasn't my night, at Taking Hold of the Flame, but I did better than I had ever done before. I stepped up, and I showed the world that, while, yeah, I'm nowhere near that "elite" status, I'm someone to respect. I used to be an elitist. I used to be one of the best. I used to be a lot of things. But now, what am I? I'm simply another name on the roster. Yeah, I carry with me some clout and reputation, but in SCW, that doesn't guarantee you or gift you anything. You STILL have to earn it. You still have to go out there and prove you deserve ANYTHING you get. And I've been clear on what I want. I haven't demanded anything outrageous, but I've been clear on what Jake Starr WANTS. If I don't get it, I guess the power's that be would decide I hadn't done enough, but Jake Starr wants a match at Rise to Greatness.
Period.
I'm not here demanding titles. I'm not here demanding opponents or stipulations. I'm simply8 saying I want to be part of the big spectacle I haven't missed since 2009. If that's too much to ask in 2019 SCW, then it's just sad, but I'll take it and deal with it. Regardless, I'm operating on the assumption that this isn't too much to ask. Like I said, I'm not asking for something involving a title. I'm not asking for future title shots. Shit, I'm not asking for a specific opponent, but if recent years serve me right, I'd like an easy win!
Kidding, Mr. D... Seriously... You bring back Soopaman Luva for me at Rise to Greatness, we WILL have words, and it WILL end with you being violated in some phallic manner!
Now, I know a lot of you are thinking this is a bunch of lip service. You're thinking Jake Starr is a cocky, arrogant, greedy, son of a bitch. And you'd be right... But I am also someone who has been through a lot over the past, virtually, year, that has led me to realize that TIME matters more than anything. And right now, I'd be insane and completely bonkers to argue it was "my time," in SCW. I would be sitting here virtually INSULTING a lot of people who I may not know, but I know have busted their asses to get airtime in this crowded field. So I realize even asking for a match based on WHO I am is pretty cocky. I realize some may think that I am being pretentious and "deserving" even with this.
Well deal with it... Rise to Greatness and Jake Starr simply GO TOGETHER! I'm not being a complete entitled ass and asking for the world. I'm simply asking for my moment to be included. If you can't understand why the FIRST MAN in the HISTORY of SCW to go 5-0 at Rise to Greatness deserves to be included, you're living under a fucking rock, and can crawl out and see daylight at anytime.
For the rest of you, HI!
The fact of the matter is I am back. I didn't come back for one match. I didn't come back for a title. I'm the first person in SCW history to win EVERY title they could. I'm still THE Supreme Champion. ButI did come back for a reason. I came back to be happy. I came back to be satisfied in what I can do, have already done, and have yet to achieve. It's no longer about fulfilling a career. I have done that. I've done more than most in SCW ever will. And the fact is I am back to prove to myself and the world that I can still be one of the HOTTEST superstars on the docket... Be one of the BIGGEST sellers at the merch stand... And be one of the most influential stars in the business TODAY. Who else can say that, and actually MEAN it? Who else has the CLOUT to back it up? Who else can walk their happy ass back in, survive until the bitter end, and legitimately say they deserve the attention they're getting?
No one...
Now with Breakdown around the corner, I have a chance to show the non-believers, those who doubt me, and those who believe I'm still the same ole same ole Jake Starr, that I'm walking out there with a different mentality. JUST like I did at Taking Hold of the Flame. I mean, think about it... Who EVER would have put Jake Starr in the final four? Ever? Not just this year, but even in my prime? Who has EVER given me that credit? And I'm OK with it. I'm to the point in my life I'm OK being doubted. Why? Because it means there's still someone left to prove wrong. It means there is still something to achieve. And when Breakdown rolls around and the old ass Mel Gibson comes out from behind the curtain, I'll bitch slap him back to the says when he was speaking Aramaic with Jesus!
... Huh?
... So Mel Gibson and his antisemitic ways aren't there for me to lambaste?
... Well fuck there goes my material...
... So who is this guy?
... Big, red, had sex with a corpse, once?
... Ok so shorter guy... Likes to do flippy shit... Likes fried sandwiches... And is a unicorn...
Alright! We're good!
This week marks a historic moment for me because I step back into the ring, one on one, with another individual in Supreme Championship Wrestling. At this point, 6 months ago, I didn't even know if I would be able to walk on my own two feet, or would possibly be six feet under. So for me, this is a special moment. Yeah, I stepped into the ring at Taking Hold of the Flame, but that wasn't the same as match that belongs to me and someone else. That is a clusterfuck. So now we have Breakdown, a night where for the first time I get my name on the card, and my chance to fight for a spot on the main card of Rise to Greatness. I'm not saying this match will propel me to a title shot or into contention, but if I can go out there and make a statement, then it will show Mr. D and the powers that be that Jake Starr STILL belongs on the Rise to Greatness card.
For a lot of people, they may not look at this Max Kane as someone who will make a difference in my position in SCW. I beg to differ. Why? Because this guy supposedly doesn't exist in the world, and once I'm done, the world will see unicorns exist! I'll be more famous than ever proving that there are mythological beings among us. Shit, I may even try and partner up with him and go on the road and sell tickets to see him. I'd be a modern PT Barnum. And SCW management wouldn't have a choice but to put me in a position of importance!
Alright, alright, alright... Max, in all honesty I don't know much about you. I can kid around about your nickname and finishing move name, but the fact is, I'm in the dark. I've been gone for such a lengthy period of time I don't know if you're super talented, a cake walk, or someone who can pull off upsets. I truly don't know anything. But what that lack of knowledge tells me is that I have to simply walk out there and have fun. I need to walk out there and do what I can to give myself the best chance of winning. It doesn't matter who YOU are, it matters how WE each perform. It matters how we look out there. It matters if the winner looks like they fought hard, and EARNED the win. So the fact that I don't know who you are, know your record, or know what you bring to the table makes me nervous, I won't lie. But at the same time, yeah, it's a bit exhilarating.
Why?
How can I be both nervous and excited?
It's simple... I get to challenge myself right off of the bat. I get to go in blindly, just like I did when I first came to SCW. It's something I've only gotten to really do once. Now I get to have that feeling again. I get to go out and feel like I have to re-establish myself not just with the locker room and management, but with fans, and most importantly, myself. I'm a lot older than I was when I first came here. So what I have to do to win is a lot more than what I had to do back then. So I'm BEGGING... I'm PLEADING... Bring your A game. Bring everything you have. Show the world how special Max Kane can be and make me, make Jake Starr bring out the best he has in return.
So as much as I may have joked earlier, know you're someone important in my career. You send me down the path I will be taking all the way to Rise to Greatness, so whatever that path is, is in your hands. You going to take me out? Or will you realize that this old asshole still has enough gas in the tank to hang with ANYONE in this industry? I won't lie... I hope it's the latter. I hope you lead me right to Rise to Greatness to a match that is going to thrill the masses. But if not, you were the better man, and I couldn't rise to the occasion, and I'll deal with whatever consequences come of it.
But if you think Jake Starr isn't going to say he's GOING to win... You don't know Jake starr!
Instead, I decided to pretend I wouldn't ever have to face that reality.
Ultimately one of the hardest things to do was to convince others that what had happened would be the last time it would ever occur. But from my experience with my best friend doing the same thing in his own way, I know how much I worry about him doing it again on a daily basis. I wasn't just having to convince friends and family, though, I was having to prove to physicians, nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, and other specialists alike, that I was ready to be integrated back with society. The worst part of that is they couldn't take me at my word. They couldn't trust me when I promised them anything. Effectively I had zero trust from any of them. That lack of trust, though, was what I deserved and needed because in my head, I knew I probably wouldn't ever try and go down that dark path, but it was never definitive. Sure, I told them it was, but in my head it was always a "probably." So I had to prove and convince myself that I was ready, and not just prove it to them.
Throughout the process there were milestones. The days when I would be given freedom to remove the shackles and just move around a little, the day that I didn't have to put them back on, and the day where I could see all of my care team look at one another with a sense of hope in their eye for the first time. It felt like I had finally broken through with them, and also in my own head, I began to realize that everything I had done had been as selfish as everyone had told me it was. It meant that I was "seeing the light" and realizing that what I had effectively done was try and push all of my problems onto others and run from them, instead of just facing them head on, becoming accepting of the reality in which I lived, and not trying to just be a little bitch and hide from it.
The ultimate dream moment was the day they all walked in, and they told me they were recommending I be discharged from the hospital and admitted to a halfway house to complete my treatment. They felt it was only right to let me begin to reintegrate, but also have the professionals still assisting me the rest of the way. I had requested that it be in the Greater Des Moines area, and not somewhere where his family and friends would have to travel a great distance. They agreed as long as I put my name to paper agreeing I wouldn't flee or try and discharge myself early.
Without hesitation, I signed that piece of paper.
Being in the halfway house, I won't lie, was like a mega sense of relief. I had moments where I could finally go out on my own, do things on my own again, and know that I was going back somewhere safe. The idea to run, stop treatment, or anything of the sorts never came until one very specific day. It was a day where I found myself facing a demon that I knew had more power than any other I had ever faced. That demon was the reality of myself, and what I had done.
Up until now, I had avoided going back to my home. I had avoided it like the plague. What happened that night, from what I remember, is one of hardest things for me to still talk about. It's where I realize I am not ready to be "cleared" for reality, but I also realized doing nothing would leave me in a constant state of fear of facing my past and my truths. I just didn't know how hard it would be...
As part of the, now technically "outpatient" treatment of Jake Starr, after his suicide attempt, his care team has finally gotten to the point where it is time for him to return home for the first time, and see the location where everything went down. It's something Jake has been avoiding because he doesn't know what emotions will come over him, but as part of his therapy it is imperative for him to see where it went down, what went down, and come to grips with it himself.
In order to facilitate this, several sessions were had with Jake to mentally prepare him for the moment he sees his house for the first time. He was shown pictures, asked to walk through his house in his head, asked to think about the moment and the room he was in when it all went down, he was asked to visualize all of this. The goal was to show him that, while at that moment it may have had a lot of power over him, today it doesn't as it just resides in his memory. The places may be real, but the memories can slowly fall to the back of his mind. They teach him that he won't ever forget what he went through, but assure him they will teach him how to cope. They want him uncomfortable so he knows what it feels like, and how to deal with it.
Today, is that ultimate culmination of their work.
Pulling up in front of his home for the first time in months, Jake isn't alone. He's flanked by several members of his entourage who came in support of him. The primary members there are Brandon Evans, being the one who can relate to Jake's action the most, his wife Roeper Hart, and members of his care team. Mara Jade has been in isolation during most of this. Most of her father's ordeal has been kept from her, minus his hospital stay, where they left the reasoning as vague as they could. The doctors don't feel she needs to be made aware that her home is a scary place for Jake.
As the large group exits their respective cars, Jake steps onto his own lawn, and can feel his pulse begin to elevate. Brandon can feel the tension in his best friend grow, and even can see his heartbeat in his neck, as hard as it is pounding right now...
In order to facilitate this, several sessions were had with Jake to mentally prepare him for the moment he sees his house for the first time. He was shown pictures, asked to walk through his house in his head, asked to think about the moment and the room he was in when it all went down, he was asked to visualize all of this. The goal was to show him that, while at that moment it may have had a lot of power over him, today it doesn't as it just resides in his memory. The places may be real, but the memories can slowly fall to the back of his mind. They teach him that he won't ever forget what he went through, but assure him they will teach him how to cope. They want him uncomfortable so he knows what it feels like, and how to deal with it.
Today, is that ultimate culmination of their work.
Pulling up in front of his home for the first time in months, Jake isn't alone. He's flanked by several members of his entourage who came in support of him. The primary members there are Brandon Evans, being the one who can relate to Jake's action the most, his wife Roeper Hart, and members of his care team. Mara Jade has been in isolation during most of this. Most of her father's ordeal has been kept from her, minus his hospital stay, where they left the reasoning as vague as they could. The doctors don't feel she needs to be made aware that her home is a scary place for Jake.
As the large group exits their respective cars, Jake steps onto his own lawn, and can feel his pulse begin to elevate. Brandon can feel the tension in his best friend grow, and even can see his heartbeat in his neck, as hard as it is pounding right now...
I won't lie, I wanted to run. In that moment, seeing my own house, I wanted to run as far away as I could. It was like I was looking at the facade of a home that atrocities had been committed in, and I was being forced to see the damage done. I knew it was all bullshit, but I couldn't stop that feeling. I knew my mess had been cleaned up and everything would look normal, but I didn't know how I would react to seeing any of it. The comfort I had, however was everyone around me. From friends, to family, to the doctors, I knew that if I broke, I wouldn't be able to do anything to harm myself. But it just wasn't enough to take that edge off.
We stood there for what felt like an eternity. I wasn't in any rush to take that first step toward the door. This was enough for me. Enough of a "reality check," but the problem was it was just the beginning for everyone else. I also knew I couldn't turn back because they had asked me before we started this process if I wanted to do it in phases or all at once, and my dumbass said "let's just get it all over with." So I didn't get an option of turning back. But I also knew I wasn't going to be the one who just says, "sure let's Leroy Jenkins this shit." It wasn't until I felt a hand on my shoulder and look over to see my best friend, the man who had been in my very shoes, looking me in the eye and asking if I was ready that I knew I had to do what needed to be done...
As Brandon touches Jake's shoulder, Jake nods, and takes his first steps up the slight hill leading to his front doorstep. Surprisingly, Jake's pace was that of someone who seemed determined in the eyes of others. For Jake, he just wanted to get to that next "step" and assess how he felt.
In reaching the front door, Jake can feel his heart in his throat. The anxiety hadn't risen yet, but he knew once he crossed that threshold into his home, and even glanced down the hallway toward the bathroom, it would be at a level he had never faced before. He feels a squeeze on the opposite hand from Brandon and looks over to see Roeper standing there. Roeper knows that she and Jake have a lot to discuss, and knows Jake's heart is in several different places, but ultimately knows right now she simply needs to be there for him. In seeing this show of solidarity, Brandon reaches out and opens the door to Jake's home, and shifts his hand to the small of Jake's back to effectively "encourage" him to come inside.
As Jake crosses the threshold into his own home, he immediately feels his whole body shake. A sense of evil in the air that he knows he created looms above him. Many of the crew there for support quickly block Jake's view of the hallway, allowing him to simply take in the moment that he is in his own home.
In reaching the front door, Jake can feel his heart in his throat. The anxiety hadn't risen yet, but he knew once he crossed that threshold into his home, and even glanced down the hallway toward the bathroom, it would be at a level he had never faced before. He feels a squeeze on the opposite hand from Brandon and looks over to see Roeper standing there. Roeper knows that she and Jake have a lot to discuss, and knows Jake's heart is in several different places, but ultimately knows right now she simply needs to be there for him. In seeing this show of solidarity, Brandon reaches out and opens the door to Jake's home, and shifts his hand to the small of Jake's back to effectively "encourage" him to come inside.
As Jake crosses the threshold into his own home, he immediately feels his whole body shake. A sense of evil in the air that he knows he created looms above him. Many of the crew there for support quickly block Jake's view of the hallway, allowing him to simply take in the moment that he is in his own home.
Surreal... That's all I can say at that point. Standing in my own foyer, seeing my living room, knowing that this used to be a place of solace for me, and now was a place I feared wasn't something I could comprehend. It also began to make me remember that night, or what I could remember, about fighting with my wife, feeling at a breaking point, and finally deciding to do something about it. Let me tell you... Remembering how you felt the day you tried to off yourself is scary. It's also sad at the same time. You realize that there were better ways of handling things, and you took a way out to just avoid it, and now you're in the midst of handling it anyway.
They let me roam around that area for a while. I walked back out into the living room and I sat on my couch. I felt a lot of guilt come over me knowing I had done something I truly regretted. And I tried, damn did I try, to hold it together but sitting there I just broke. The tears began to flow and I think this was something they were hoping to see. I think they wanted the emotion to come out of me because it wasn't too long after this, they decided it was time for the main event...
The doctors let Jake know that it's time he truly face his ultimate fear. They see him vulnerable, and they know that if he has too much time to "toughen up" he won't have the same experience. Jake's head is slumped and he shakes them off, but the encouragement and numbers factor makes him realize they'll carry him if need be. Shawn and Brandon both walk up and put their arms under his armpits to lift him up. Jake doesn't fight back, and helps lift himself up as well. They begin to guide him back toward the front door, but make the turn down the infamous hallway.
As they made their way down, Jake sees his office and sees it just how he left it, decorated with his accomplishments and his computer monitor still glowing on ths lock screen. Passing it, however, gives Jake the realization of what's ahead. The bathroom in which both he and Brandon had tried to take their own lives in. Brandon removes his arm from Jake, and hugs him. Brandon assures Jake he's been there and this is like crossing a major evil out of your life. Shawn removes his arm, and assure Jake that he loves him, and he can do this.
The psychologist in charge looks at Jake and asks if he's ready. Jake shrugs, knowing it doesn't matter, and the psychologist opens Jake's personal portal to hell. Unlike what Jake expected, a wave of anger begins to overcome him. He walks in with a sense of gusto and slams the door shut and locks it behind him, immediately making everyone uncomfortable and scared outside. Jake, from the inside says, he would recommend moving out of the way of the door if he were them. Everyone on the other side looks at one another confused but obliges, and without warning, through the wooden door comes Jake's fist. Everyone is completely shocked and jumps as Jake then rears back and kicks the door near the hinges several times, before it finally breaks away from the frame, leaving shrapnel and confusion abound.
As they made their way down, Jake sees his office and sees it just how he left it, decorated with his accomplishments and his computer monitor still glowing on ths lock screen. Passing it, however, gives Jake the realization of what's ahead. The bathroom in which both he and Brandon had tried to take their own lives in. Brandon removes his arm from Jake, and hugs him. Brandon assures Jake he's been there and this is like crossing a major evil out of your life. Shawn removes his arm, and assure Jake that he loves him, and he can do this.
The psychologist in charge looks at Jake and asks if he's ready. Jake shrugs, knowing it doesn't matter, and the psychologist opens Jake's personal portal to hell. Unlike what Jake expected, a wave of anger begins to overcome him. He walks in with a sense of gusto and slams the door shut and locks it behind him, immediately making everyone uncomfortable and scared outside. Jake, from the inside says, he would recommend moving out of the way of the door if he were them. Everyone on the other side looks at one another confused but obliges, and without warning, through the wooden door comes Jake's fist. Everyone is completely shocked and jumps as Jake then rears back and kicks the door near the hinges several times, before it finally breaks away from the frame, leaving shrapnel and confusion abound.
I never liked that door, anyway...
With the door literally hanging by one hinge at the top, and dangling the rest of the way, Jake walks out. In walking out, he takes a deep breath, and makes eye contact with everyone around him.
They asked me if I felt better. Of fucking course I did. That door did something to me that I never wanted to see again. Plus I always preferred sliding doors to ones on hinges anyway!
Jake's emotional outburst didn't end there. As he began to turn and walk toward the front door, deciding he had enough of this test, out of the corner of his eye he sees something in the laundry room. His head slowly turns and he sees the sheet he used wadded up in the corner. That rage kicks in again and he pushes members of the clinical staff out of the way and storms into the laundry room and picks it up and begins staring at it. Roeper immediately realizes what sheet it is, and begins to plead with Jake, worrying about what he may do.
Jake immediately carries the sheet out of the laundry room with multiple people trying to grab it from him, and him looking at them each with a look of rage that quickly made them all let go. He continued storming out of the house to the backyard by their pool where he grabbed the lighter to their firepit and set the sheet on fire, holding it and watching it slowly burn more and more. As it got to where it was beginning to burn his skin he threw it into the pool, and watched the smoldering remains slowly extinguish themselves. After the last remnants had stopped flaming, Jake turned toward his home and stormed in, straight for the front door, and demanded everyone follow him, and take him back to the halfway house he was staying in. He jumped in the backseat of one of the vehicles, slammed the door shut, and stared out the window.
Jake immediately carries the sheet out of the laundry room with multiple people trying to grab it from him, and him looking at them each with a look of rage that quickly made them all let go. He continued storming out of the house to the backyard by their pool where he grabbed the lighter to their firepit and set the sheet on fire, holding it and watching it slowly burn more and more. As it got to where it was beginning to burn his skin he threw it into the pool, and watched the smoldering remains slowly extinguish themselves. After the last remnants had stopped flaming, Jake turned toward his home and stormed in, straight for the front door, and demanded everyone follow him, and take him back to the halfway house he was staying in. He jumped in the backseat of one of the vehicles, slammed the door shut, and stared out the window.
The door... The sheet... They deserved what they got. They had tormented me in my head for I don't know how long, but it felt like a lifetime. They wanted me to "face" my fears, I did them one better. I eliminated them. The two things that had assisted in me doing the dumbest thing in my life were going to be gone from my life upon returning home. It wasn't the bathroom. It was the door, the door held that sheet in place. It was the sheet, the sheet that compressed itself across the blood flow and air supply to my body. THOSE were my demons. They wanted me to eliminate them, I did just that.
It was a moment of catharsis. It was a moment that told me that, when I was cleared to go home, the two prominent "players" outside of my own stress and life, that contributed to what I had done wouldn't be there. Yeah, I'm not stupid. I know it was all me, ultimately, but those two items needed to disappear. They needed to be destroyed. They needed to never be seen again. And they needed to be handled by the man who used them like they were never intended.
The rest of the ride back to the halfway house, I didn't say a word. Hell, nobody did. They didn't know how to approach me or what mindset I was in, and nobody wanted to test it either. Instead everyone opted for silence. It was honestly what I wanted, too. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I wanted to think about that fucking blanket burning in my hands. I wanted to see what almost killed me die in my hands. It may seem morbid, but even though it didn't have a soul, I felt like I had destroyed the evil soul within its cloth and wood. As far as I was concerned, I had vanquished a demon in my life and felt, almost joyous. Was this what they wanted me to feel? Was this the closure I needed? If it was, it worked. I felt relief. I felt like I had eliminated things in my life that had haunted me for a considerable period of time.
This is what freedom feels like...
----------------------------------------
Jake Starr: Taking Hold of the Flame... Breakdown... Supreme Championship Wrestling... Did you miss me? Did you miss the most arrogant and yet asinine individual on the roster? You know, I haven't missed Jason Zero either, but I did see him backstage the other day.
Jake smirks.
But seriously... How many of you expected to see me walk out of those curtains? And how many of you expected to see me walk out of those curtains preceded by a man doing his best impersonation of Icarus? I would strive to say none of you did, and quite frankly, I'm glad. Because I didn't want people to expect me back. I didn't want to be another name "returning" at Taking Hold of the Flame that people could guess. I wanted to surprise the world. I wanted to shock the world. I wanted the world to have a collective, "WHAT THE FUCK," moment. And it happened. It continued through the match as I outlasted many of the SCW elite superstars who I have never beaten in ANYTHING. Like literally, I've never beaten them in the ring, in the unsanctioned poker games we had in the back, ookie cookie, anything.
They've simply had my number until that night.
So what does that mean?
TITLE SHOT!
I'M THE BEST!
GIVE ME THE MAIN EVENT!
Jake chuckles.
No it means nothing. It means I had a good night. Yeah I didn't win, but that's a match that it takes, literally, the PERFECT night to win. It wasn't my night, at Taking Hold of the Flame, but I did better than I had ever done before. I stepped up, and I showed the world that, while, yeah, I'm nowhere near that "elite" status, I'm someone to respect. I used to be an elitist. I used to be one of the best. I used to be a lot of things. But now, what am I? I'm simply another name on the roster. Yeah, I carry with me some clout and reputation, but in SCW, that doesn't guarantee you or gift you anything. You STILL have to earn it. You still have to go out there and prove you deserve ANYTHING you get. And I've been clear on what I want. I haven't demanded anything outrageous, but I've been clear on what Jake Starr WANTS. If I don't get it, I guess the power's that be would decide I hadn't done enough, but Jake Starr wants a match at Rise to Greatness.
Period.
I'm not here demanding titles. I'm not here demanding opponents or stipulations. I'm simply8 saying I want to be part of the big spectacle I haven't missed since 2009. If that's too much to ask in 2019 SCW, then it's just sad, but I'll take it and deal with it. Regardless, I'm operating on the assumption that this isn't too much to ask. Like I said, I'm not asking for something involving a title. I'm not asking for future title shots. Shit, I'm not asking for a specific opponent, but if recent years serve me right, I'd like an easy win!
Jake laughs.
Kidding, Mr. D... Seriously... You bring back Soopaman Luva for me at Rise to Greatness, we WILL have words, and it WILL end with you being violated in some phallic manner!
Now, I know a lot of you are thinking this is a bunch of lip service. You're thinking Jake Starr is a cocky, arrogant, greedy, son of a bitch. And you'd be right... But I am also someone who has been through a lot over the past, virtually, year, that has led me to realize that TIME matters more than anything. And right now, I'd be insane and completely bonkers to argue it was "my time," in SCW. I would be sitting here virtually INSULTING a lot of people who I may not know, but I know have busted their asses to get airtime in this crowded field. So I realize even asking for a match based on WHO I am is pretty cocky. I realize some may think that I am being pretentious and "deserving" even with this.
Well deal with it... Rise to Greatness and Jake Starr simply GO TOGETHER! I'm not being a complete entitled ass and asking for the world. I'm simply asking for my moment to be included. If you can't understand why the FIRST MAN in the HISTORY of SCW to go 5-0 at Rise to Greatness deserves to be included, you're living under a fucking rock, and can crawl out and see daylight at anytime.
For the rest of you, HI!
Jake waves in a very silly manner.
The fact of the matter is I am back. I didn't come back for one match. I didn't come back for a title. I'm the first person in SCW history to win EVERY title they could. I'm still THE Supreme Champion. ButI did come back for a reason. I came back to be happy. I came back to be satisfied in what I can do, have already done, and have yet to achieve. It's no longer about fulfilling a career. I have done that. I've done more than most in SCW ever will. And the fact is I am back to prove to myself and the world that I can still be one of the HOTTEST superstars on the docket... Be one of the BIGGEST sellers at the merch stand... And be one of the most influential stars in the business TODAY. Who else can say that, and actually MEAN it? Who else has the CLOUT to back it up? Who else can walk their happy ass back in, survive until the bitter end, and legitimately say they deserve the attention they're getting?
No one...
Now with Breakdown around the corner, I have a chance to show the non-believers, those who doubt me, and those who believe I'm still the same ole same ole Jake Starr, that I'm walking out there with a different mentality. JUST like I did at Taking Hold of the Flame. I mean, think about it... Who EVER would have put Jake Starr in the final four? Ever? Not just this year, but even in my prime? Who has EVER given me that credit? And I'm OK with it. I'm to the point in my life I'm OK being doubted. Why? Because it means there's still someone left to prove wrong. It means there is still something to achieve. And when Breakdown rolls around and the old ass Mel Gibson comes out from behind the curtain, I'll bitch slap him back to the says when he was speaking Aramaic with Jesus!
The producer reminds Jake he's wrestling Max Kane, and not Mad Max. Jake looks confused.
... Huh?
The producer again tells him he's wrestling Max Kane, not Mad Max.
... So Mel Gibson and his antisemitic ways aren't there for me to lambaste?
The producer shakes his head.
... Well fuck there goes my material...
Jake looks behind the camera.
... So who is this guy?
The producer, again, says Max Kane.
... Big, red, had sex with a corpse, once?
The producer just shakes his head, and Jake gets frustrated. He walks out of frame and comes back in with his encyclopedia of SCW wrestlers and begins flipping through the pages. He comes to Max's bio and begins reading aloud.
... Ok so shorter guy... Likes to do flippy shit... Likes fried sandwiches... And is a unicorn...
Jake slams the book closed.
Alright! We're good!
Jake clears his throat.
This week marks a historic moment for me because I step back into the ring, one on one, with another individual in Supreme Championship Wrestling. At this point, 6 months ago, I didn't even know if I would be able to walk on my own two feet, or would possibly be six feet under. So for me, this is a special moment. Yeah, I stepped into the ring at Taking Hold of the Flame, but that wasn't the same as match that belongs to me and someone else. That is a clusterfuck. So now we have Breakdown, a night where for the first time I get my name on the card, and my chance to fight for a spot on the main card of Rise to Greatness. I'm not saying this match will propel me to a title shot or into contention, but if I can go out there and make a statement, then it will show Mr. D and the powers that be that Jake Starr STILL belongs on the Rise to Greatness card.
For a lot of people, they may not look at this Max Kane as someone who will make a difference in my position in SCW. I beg to differ. Why? Because this guy supposedly doesn't exist in the world, and once I'm done, the world will see unicorns exist! I'll be more famous than ever proving that there are mythological beings among us. Shit, I may even try and partner up with him and go on the road and sell tickets to see him. I'd be a modern PT Barnum. And SCW management wouldn't have a choice but to put me in a position of importance!
Jake chuckles.
Alright, alright, alright... Max, in all honesty I don't know much about you. I can kid around about your nickname and finishing move name, but the fact is, I'm in the dark. I've been gone for such a lengthy period of time I don't know if you're super talented, a cake walk, or someone who can pull off upsets. I truly don't know anything. But what that lack of knowledge tells me is that I have to simply walk out there and have fun. I need to walk out there and do what I can to give myself the best chance of winning. It doesn't matter who YOU are, it matters how WE each perform. It matters how we look out there. It matters if the winner looks like they fought hard, and EARNED the win. So the fact that I don't know who you are, know your record, or know what you bring to the table makes me nervous, I won't lie. But at the same time, yeah, it's a bit exhilarating.
Why?
How can I be both nervous and excited?
It's simple... I get to challenge myself right off of the bat. I get to go in blindly, just like I did when I first came to SCW. It's something I've only gotten to really do once. Now I get to have that feeling again. I get to go out and feel like I have to re-establish myself not just with the locker room and management, but with fans, and most importantly, myself. I'm a lot older than I was when I first came here. So what I have to do to win is a lot more than what I had to do back then. So I'm BEGGING... I'm PLEADING... Bring your A game. Bring everything you have. Show the world how special Max Kane can be and make me, make Jake Starr bring out the best he has in return.
So as much as I may have joked earlier, know you're someone important in my career. You send me down the path I will be taking all the way to Rise to Greatness, so whatever that path is, is in your hands. You going to take me out? Or will you realize that this old asshole still has enough gas in the tank to hang with ANYONE in this industry? I won't lie... I hope it's the latter. I hope you lead me right to Rise to Greatness to a match that is going to thrill the masses. But if not, you were the better man, and I couldn't rise to the occasion, and I'll deal with whatever consequences come of it.
But if you think Jake Starr isn't going to say he's GOING to win... You don't know Jake starr!