Too long for discord

[Braddock]

Depression sucks. I rarely speak about my depression, maybe I should do so more often. I don’t have a bad case of it, at least not in my opinion. People have it way worse than me. But I do think maybe it’d help if I spoke more.

My depression started when I was diagnosed with diabetes. I blamed myself because I knew about my family history of diabetes (both sides) and yet I didn’t heed the warnings. I didn’t diet and exercise. I ate what I wanted. So I blamed myself. I was already epileptic but now diabetic too. But I set my mind to fixing myself. I dieted, I exercised, took medicine, and brought my blood sugar level down to non diabetic/normal levels. I set a goal to eventually get off the medication. I started with 4 pills and dropped to 2. That’s when I peaked.

My blood sugar had been from 80 to 90 for nearly a year. Then when I got to just two pills it steadily rose back to 115 to 130. For a diabetic that’s not bad but I had set too high standards. 80 to 90 for nearly a year spoiled me. Part of me wanted to think i was no longer diabetic, even though my mind knew better. So my blood sugar jumping up again was a crushing blow. Even the weight I had lost from my diet and exercise started coming back.

It was so frustrating. I take my medicine. I diet. I exercise. But my blood sugar kept going up and the weight kept coming back.

I felt so bad I stopped exercising. Stopped dieting. Because I felt what was the point of doing that when I was still gonna gain weight regardless. I kept taking my medicine but I haven’t checked my blood sugar in awhile either. Too depressed to. That whole “what’s the point” thought still going through my head.

Then there’s the hate going on in the world today. I’m a very opinionated person but I rarely speak out via word or meme about my views. Part of it is because I have a local government job and being vocal about my views isn’t a good idea. But also because I just don’t want to get into a fight. I have seen many mutual friends of mine on Facebook get into wars over issues. 

Sometimes I see friends of mine post things I disagree with. That’s fine. I don’t reply because either I can understand their points and understand their perspective or or because I just don’t want to dignify it with a response. 

But I see other friends of mine arguing with each other and it seems as if they’re looking for a fight. No understanding. No attempt to see the other perspective. No tolerance. Just “I’m right, you’re wrong, and if you’re not ok with that then screw you.”  It’s not just my friends on Facebook. It’s everywhere and that’s even more depressing. I just wish people could talk, understand, and dialogue again. Y’know?

Anyway that’s all. I’m sure eventually I’ll be fine. Usually these things pass by eventually and I’m ok. But I just wanted to get this off my chest.