Gimmick Battle Royal

[Braddock]

A black haired thin and wiry, wild eyed looking man in a flashy purple suit and orange silk button up shirt steps into the scene from the left. A smug, cocky grin is etched across his face that is full of a week old unclean and unkept beard. The SCW universe may not recognize him at first but they have seen him before. Upon closer inspection this is The Most Loved Man On The Planet, The Emperor of Entrepreneurship, Captain Capitalism, Master Media Mogul, Saint Levi, Your Righteous Savior, The Titan of Twitter, The Sultan of Social Media, The Nova Wonder Killer, The Maharaja of Marketing, The Franciscan Friar of Flash, and as of now, The Ayatollah of Rise To Greatness, The Man of a Thousand Nicknames himself, Leviticus.

“The Lord called to Moses and spoke to him from the tent of meeting. He said, Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘When anyone among you brings an offering to the Lord, bring as your offering an animal from either the herd or the flock. If the offering is a burnt offering from the herd, you are to offer a male without defect. You must present it at the entrance to the tent of meeting so that it will be acceptable to the Lord. You are to lay your hand on the head of the burnt offering, and it will be accepted on your behalf to make atonement for you. You are to slaughter the young bull before the Lord.”

The Sultan of Social Media chuckles softly under his breath. “The Book of Leviticus chapter 1 verses 1 through five.” St. Levi runs his hand through his disheveled black hair. “I may look a little different now from when you good people last cast your unworthy eyes upon yours truly. I actually have a head full of gloriously glorious hair! My fashion sense is top notch thanks to some Fabulous ladies I work with now!” The Nova Wonder Killer winks at the camera. “But most importantly, inside the squared circle, I am a far more dangerous competitor than I was before. So in case the new look and new presentation may fool you, allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Levi Timothy Craig, better known to you plebians as “The Man of a Thousand Nicknames” Leviticus!”

The Ayatollah of Rise To Greatness takes a bow. “I am back! Your celebration may begin now and may continue on through my official return at Rise To Greatness. See, I heard through the grapevine…the grapevine being Kimberly Williams told her half-sister Jessica Lasiewicz, and Jessica, who happens to be client, told me…that SCW Rise To Greatness would play host to a gimmick battle royal. Well come on, can you really have a gimmick battle royal without The Maharajah of Marketing? I know gimmicks. I know that a good gimmick is all about marketing. And hell, when it comes to this gimmick battle royal and Rise To Greatness, I could have marketed the hell out of this son of a bitch!”

“Rise To Greatness: The Movie!”

“I Survived Being Bullied by Selena Frost: A Story about an STD, a docu-series starring Gary Buesey as Selena Frost and Adam Sandlers are an STD.”

“I was even in discussions with Discovery Channel to have your stupid GM Shaun Cruze appear on Shark Week. We would toss him into a pool of hungry Great White Sharks with no cage. We would fetch the body out later.” Captain Capitalism shrugs his shoulders. “Ok, so I admit, I see why Discovery didn’t go with that last idea, but it was Kim’s idea and she made me pitch it. But I am a man of vision! So many great ideas for this great show! Cid Turner: The Toilet Paper! Wipe your ass with Cidnay’s face every time you take a dump! Nicole Kinneck: The Video Game! But did SCW listen to any of my ideas?” The Emperor of Entrepreneurship shakes his head.

“No, they ignored me. Hell, I had to find out about this battle royal through second hand knowledge! But hey, I get it! The Franciscan Friar of Flash understands the deal! I haven’t always been as serious a competitor as some of these other losers you have working for you! Like the penguin and the bear, your reigning tag team champions. Those are certainly some serious fighters, eh? You have an idiot manager running around with a dog as her lawyer?” The Master Media Mogul rolls his eyes. “But you don’t take ME seriously?” He chuckles softly.

“Well I am coming to Rise To Greatness. The Most Loved Man on the Planet will enter the gimmick battle royal and just like the Lord says in The Book of Leviticus, it shall be my duty to slaughter the bull! Hell, I’ll slaughter anyone who gets in my path! And I will win the battle royal and make sure that no one ever doubts me again.” St. Levi winks at the camera. “And when I win! WHEN I WIN! It will be Leviticus THE MOVIE! Leviticus THE VIDEO GAME! Leviticus THE TOILET PAPER!” He pauses and sighs. “Ok, maybe not that last one…but you get the picture!”